Chapter 26

Tris finished putting the remaining dishes away before sitting down on one of the stools at the kitchen counter. Carter stood across from her, both palms placed flat down on the countertop.

"What do you want to know?" her mother asked.

"When you and dad were trainers, did you ever come across an initiate who experienced the same fear twice during the simulations?"

Tris stared at her daughter for a few moments, searching for something that Carter couldn't pinpoint. When she either found what she was looking for or had given up trying, Tris sighed and responded with a question of her own.

"I'd like to think that this is a purely hypothetically question, but it's not, is it?"

Carter simply shook her head.

"It's not something that I've ever come across, and your father was only a trainer for two years more than I was, so I think if he'd have seen something like that he would have shared it with me. So, no, I've never had an initiate who experienced the same fear twice during the simulation round."

Carter tightened her grip on the counter in frustration. Despite her mother's longer experience as a trainer, she didn't know any more information than Lara had. Once again, she had hit a wall that there was seemingly no way over.

"What would you think it means though?" Carter asked desperately, hoping her mother may have some idea even though she'd never heard of this happening before.

Tris reached out and grabbed her daughter's hand, releasing its white-knuckle grip on the counter.

"Honestly, Carter, I just think it means that this person only has three fears. I don't think that there's any more depth to it than that. I guess when they go through the final round of initiation they'll find out for sure." Her mother said assuringly.

Carter appreciated the way her mother had not directly labeled Carter as the person in question, although realistically Carter knew her mom figured it was her. The words Tris had spoken also calmed Carter incrementally. Just the fact that there most likely wasn't any other explanation than having only three fears had her sighing out in relief. Finally, there was some news that wasn't completely life altering.

"Okay, that's all I had to ask I guess." Carter said, running a hand over her head. In the moment she found herself missing her long locks, praying that her hair would grow back quickly.

"Are you okay?" her mother asked. "There's so much on your shoulders right now, I know, but that doesn't mean you have to let it control you. You get to make the decisions here, Carter, not someone else who thinks that you're the only option."

"But I am the only option, Mom."

Tris gave her daughter a sad smile. "I know it seems that way, but it's still your choice. As someone who knows what it's like to be responsible for saving an entire faction, I know how hard of a weight that is to bear. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not my own daughter. You deserve a life of happiness, Carter, not one where you're the world's last hope."

Carter let the words wash over her. Though she didn't know many of the details, she knew that her mother, and father as well, were the source of many heroics back in their day. Tris knew first-hand how hard it was to have so many people rely on you. She also knew that even though Carter technically had a choice in deciding if she was going to work with the Agency or not, there was really only one choice to make. Carter stepped towards her mother and wrapped her arms around her, trying to show how much she loved her in one simple hug.

"Thanks mom. I'm going to go and get some dinner and then meet up with Grayson. We're going to talk through some things and try and get prepared for tomorrow." Carter said as she pulled away.

"You'll do great, Carter. I know you will. Your father and I will be waiting in the Pit for you when you're done."

Carter gave one last smile before leaving the apartment. She immediately set off to find Grayson and tell him what she had learned from her mother. They were also going to discuss what they would do after the conclusion of initiation. Will had said that he would help Carter regardless of what decision she had made, and she needed to figure out exactly how he planned to do that. Also, Grayson needed to inform his father of his plans to go with Carter, something she secretly hoped Will would put a stop to. As much as she'd love Grayson's help, she didn't want to risk his life in the process.

Surprisingly, Carter found Grayson in the tattoo parlor. He had never expressed interest in getting a tattoo before, so she was a little curious as to why he was in there.

"Thinking of getting something?" Carter asked gently in his ear as she walked up behind him.

Grayson jumped, eliciting a laugh from Carter. Her boyfriend frowned at her for a moment, but eventually cracked a smile and kissed her lightly in greeting.

"I'm not sure. I kind of want to, but I don't what I'd get." Grayson said.

Carter looked around at all the designs hanging up on the wall, wondering what she'd get if she ever wanted one. There were designs of all sorts, ranging from gruesome portraits of demons to beautifully crafted roses.

"My mom has both the Dauntless and Abnegation symbols, as well as a few ravens and a small tattoo for her and my dad. Dad has a whole back full. He has all of the faction symbols as well as an intricate detail of black lines. I think they're meant to cover something up, but I don't know what," Carter mused, just trying to make conversation.

"What do the ravens mean?" Grayson asked.

"She always told me it was for her three kids, flying towards her heart, but that's not true. When I was little, and Tori Wu was still in Dauntless, my mom would bring me here. Tori would tell me stories and she mentioned that she gave my mother all of her tattoos when she was in initiation, except for the one about her and my dad. If that's true, then the ravens can't be about us. We weren't even a thought back then." Carter answered, then realizing that she'd never mentioned that to anyone before.

"Why would she lie?" Grayson wondered, not really asking a question, just thinking out loud. Even if he was, Carter wouldn't be able to answer it. She simply shrugged and continued to look at the designs papering the studio.

Now that she thought more about it, the more curious she got about her mom's reasoning behind her lie. What could the ravens mean, if they weren't about her children? Carter had never thought about it too deeply. If her mother wanted to hold back a piece of her past, then that was her business. However, lying about it to simply evade answering seemed unlike her mother. Perhaps one day, when things were simple again, Carter would ask her mother to reveal the true meaning of the ravens that flew straight towards her heart.

For now, though, she would just focus on getting through the days ahead.

Turning back to Grayson, she asked, "So, are you getting anything?"

Grayson took one last look around the shop before smiling at Carter and reaching for her hand.

"Not today."

-break-

The morning of the final initiation test passed in a blur. Carter had woken up, not in her room, but in a bunk in the Dauntless-borns dormitory, had outstretched towards the bunk to the right of hers where Grayson still slept peacefully. It was still pretty early, so Carter tried in vain to get a few extra minutes of sleep, but it was no use. She was up.

Carter shrugged on some clothes and gently shook Grayson's shoulder, eliciting a light snort to come from his startled form. He sat up quickly and rubbed at his eyes, wiping the sleep from them, before yawning and sending a glare in his girlfriend's direction.

After Grayson got ready, Carter grabbed his hand and led him to the cafeteria for a quick breakfast. They had to be at the fear landscape room in about an hour. Carter was dreading the journey up to the very top floor of the Dauntless compound. Not only was it too high up for Carter's liking, but that room would be where her fate in Dauntless will be decided. Well, maybe not.

Would Carter even be able to pick her job at the initiation ceremony tomorrow? Or would she already be shipped off to the Agency to help them defeat Jeanine and Erudite?

The whole fear landscape seemed very trivial to Carter at the moment. It mattered, but it also didn't.

Carter was pulled out of her deep thoughts by Grayson, who had grabbed on to her wrist to draw her out of the abyss that was her own mind. He gestured to the untouched muffin sitting in front of her, but Carter suddenly didn't find it very appetizing.

At Grayson's insistence, however, Carter managed to swallow a few bites, though they merely felt like rocks falling into her stomach. Soon after, the duo was heading up to the top of Dauntless. Carter was still trapped in her own head, so Grayson was practically dragging her behind him. It was evident that he was worried about her. She hadn't had an episode quite like this in a while, and they were extremely hard to pull her out of when they occurred.

She just couldn't get past how useless this whole process was. Regardless of how her landscape went, she was still the perfect Divergent, and she was still going to leave Dauntless to assist the Agency. What was the point of her staying? What was the point of her completing initiation?

She couldn't find one.

Carter hadn't realized that they had started calling names until two people had already gone through. Her head snapped up as a transfer came out of her fear landscape, looking so pale Carter wondered if she was going to be sick.

Since she had been ranked 1st in the second round, Carter would be going through her landscape last. Grayson had been ranked 4th, so he would be going before her.

It was nerve-wracking, being the last one to go through the test that decided how their lives would end up, though Carter knew it wasn't a true representation for her specifically. Her life was being dictated for her. It was either she joins the Agency and help take down the tyrant that is Jeanine and stop her endless vendetta against Divergents, or she refused, and lived her life in Dauntless until Jeanine had the means to come for her. If she chose the second option, innocent people would end up hurt or even killed. There would be senseless violence nonstop until Jeanine either took over or was taken down.

So really, Carter had no choice. She couldn't let the city be torn apart by Jeanine's agenda. She had to join the Agency and help take Jeanine down.

A hand closing around her wrist snapped Carter from her thoughts.

Grayson was standing, preparing to go through his simulation. Carter had completely missed the last several initiates going in and out of the Fear Landscape.

Carter looked up and met Grayson's worried gaze. She attempted a smile and whispered, "Good luck."

She squeezed his hand before he walked into the landscape room.

Carter was unsure if she could watch Grayson go through his Landscape. Sure, she didn't know what was going on in there, but she knew he'd be facing the things he feared most in the world. He was all alone, seeing scenarios that terrified him. Carter didn't want to see the anguish that would cross his typically joyful face. She put her head in her hands and forced herself to take slow, even breaths.

He'll be in there for twenty minutes max, Carter thought to herself. It'll be over before you know it, before he knows it.

Carter managed to keep herself calm like this for about five minutes. After that, an overwhelming need to check on Grayson took over. Slowly she lifted her head and looked towards the Fear Landscape room. It looked as though he was frantically trying to get away from something, though Carter couldn't discern what. After seeing the sheer panic covering Grayson's features, Carter looked back down towards her hands. She was squeezing them closed so tightly that the skin stretching across her knuckles had turned white.

It felt like she hadn't breathed until she heard the door open. She looked up and out came Grayson, so pale and almost shaky. Carter let out a sigh of relief when he gave her a shaky smile and a thumbs up. Her hands unclenched, and she finally focused on her strategy for her own landscape. It was pretty straight forward. Since she knew exactly what she was up against, she'd do exactly what she'd already been doing. Look for ways out that don't include revealing her Divergence.

The only simulation that she was worried about was the one where she was back in Jeanine's lair. Carter had to be extremely carful to only loosen the rope a very slight amount, and not give away that she'd done it. Also, having a fear with someone in it that Carter shouldn't know could tip off the other leaders. Hopefully Will would be able to make up some excuse for her.

She heard the door open once again and looked up. It was her turn. Carter stood and set her shoulders. This was just one more step she had to complete before her life could go back to normal. It's how Carter decided she had to deal with the situation, as a series of steps. Complicated, seemingly never-ending steps.

Carter stood stoically as one of the leaders prepared her for her Fear Landscape. Once she was set, Carter closed her eyes and prepared for the simulations to begin. When her eyes opened, she was in that black space. Her family stood together, and Carter felt panic flare in her heart. She walked towards them and placed her hand against the glass that separated her. A single tear rolled down her cheek as her father was grabbed, at the lifeless look in her mothers' eyes. Carter forced herself to move, to turn around and walk into the never-ending blackness in front of her.

She was on the roof. Wind was blowing viciously around her. Carter could feel her racing heart pounding relentlessly against her rib cage. Slowly, as to not let the wind through her off balance, she stepped towards the edge of the roof. Carter stared straight ahead, knowing that if she looked down, she may not be able to work up the nerve to jump.

It's just like when you jumped off the building down to the net, Carter told herself. There is nothing to fear. You'll be fine.

One more step, and Carter was falling helplessly towards the ground.

Carter then felt the binds around her wrists. She was with Jeanine. Her captor was staring down at her with a maniacal grin, a gleaming scalpel in hand. Carter bit back a scream and desperately tried to remain calm. Her wrists twisted in their constraints.

Just a tiny bit of slack. That's all I need.

She struggled wildly to cover up the fact that she was manipulating the simulation. Once she felt the ropes loosen, Carter tore her wrists free and lunged for the women in front of her. She threw a punch and fought to rip the scalpel out of her hands. When she managed to get it, Carter pointed it at Jeanine, whose smile no longer graced her aged features.

Eyes squeezed shut, Carter prayed for the end. She only opened them when she heard the applause of the Dauntless crowd below her. It was over. She made it through.

The leaders were staring at her in an impressed sort of shock. Some were nodding in approval, but some had a suspicious tint in their eyes. Will gave her a smile and nodded once, signaling that she could leave.

On shaky legs, Carter all but ran towards the door, taking in gasps of air when she was out. She took the steps down to the pit two at a time, needing to be on solid ground once again. The first person she met after the descent was her mother. Carter through her arms around her and felt like she'd never be able to let go. Another pair of arms wrapped themselves around her and she didn't need to look to know it was her father.

Carter felt a light breath of air as he whispered, "Congratulations."