Chapter 5, Stray off the Path
"Hey Jeff"
"Yeah Tony?"
"Ever wonder why we are here?"
"Its one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean are we the product of some cosmic coincidence or is there really a god watching everything? With a plan for us and stuff? I dont know man...but it keeps me up at night"
"What...? I meant why are we here, guarding this empty factory?"
"Ooooh... I dont know, I joined E88 to be racist."
"PIZZA DELIVERY!"
"What?" both of the guards looked up to see a girl riding a moped with a overly large helmet and Red and Black bike leathers on and carrying a stack of pizza boxes.
"I said PIZZA DELIVERY!"
"Do people actually say that when they are delivering pizzas?"
"Doesn't matter, pizza!" Jeff yelled as he walked over to the Lady in Red. "What kind is it?"
"Buck Shot and Nazi."
"What?"
BOOOM
"ARG! What the fuck!" The gangster then fell to his knees and clutched his bleeding stomach.
"Owch, the front of your stomach!" Tony shouted from behind.
"And STOP REFERENCING STUFF! That's my shtick!" The Lady in- okay what the hell am I doing, Deadpool Girl then whipped off her helmet and swung her shotgun around at the other guard.
"WAIT! I surrender!"
"... What, seriously? We're not going out pull out our weapons and go apeshit on each other, I'll regenerate the damage and you'll be choking on bullets helplessly?"
"... You know, it was kind of because I really didn't like the guy you shot in the first place so i thought I'd just make it easy for you, but HELL no! Don't you know how much of a bad idea it is more mere mooks to fight a Cape?! It's like the stupidest thing you can do! Second to being black!"
"... Really?"
"What?"
"Nevermind, I'm just going to shoot you now." And with that, another blast sounded out and the gangster fell down screaming.
"ARG! The kneecap of my left leg!"
BOOOM!
"ARRRGG! The kneecap of my RIGHT leg!"
"Well, that was certainly a satisfying case of anger management."
"Eh, I say we shoot him more, he still has his elbows."
"I think letting him bleed out is more funny." I got off my awesome moped and-
WAIT A SECOND! You switched to the first person narrative! I thought I would be taking care of this!
Well of course I am, this is my story right now, you can take a break author.
B-but… I'll be out of the job...
Don't worry, I'll likely get bored after the chapter has been written up anyway.
… Okay…
Alright, now that's out of the way, onto the chapter!
I walked past the moaning and bleeding bodies of my foes and opened up the warehouse, and peeked inside.
"What? No light-switch conveniently next to the door? Damn, I miss the writer already…" I grumbled as my futile attempt at groping in the dark didn't yield any results.
"Alright! I guess I'll just scavenge, I'll use my special cat powers of night vision!"
"We don't have cat powers."
"Then I'll use the special flashlight on my utility best!"
"We have a belt, no flashlight."
"... Man, we suck."
"Bow-chika-bow-wow!"
"Okay, new material, seriously we're milking that joke too much." And so, I took out a convenient matchbox I happened to bring along for the trip.
"What kind of material?"
"Eh, I don't know, cartoons?" I then struck the match on the box and the dark blanket of sight impairment disappeared to reveal-
"HOLY SHIT!"
"Oh FUCK YEAH!"
"... Murphy hates us."
And that was when several explosions lit up the room.
"Aegis to HQ. We're responding to a disturbance near the factory district, we'll report when we hear more." The leader of the Wards reported, and then turned to his partner, "Okay Vista, lets get in close and find out what's going on."
"Alright." She agreed, and off the two went, flying towards the smoke rising from the buildings in the distance, one flying and the other pulling space between her and the next building over.
As they approached the smoldering wreck they slowed down to take in the situation.
"Now thats a sight you don't see everyday..." The young brute said looking around at the small patches of fire and scattered debris.
"Actually, we saw it last week, remember when Lung went crazy on that E88 warehouse? Burning buildings are kind of a thing around here. But since we have Lung in captivity…"
"Your right., lets take a look around, what's the worst that can happen."
And with that Aegis approached the ruins of the former warehouse.
"Hey Vista! I got to E88 over here next to a pile of pizza boxes!"
The girl tilted her head in confusion, "Mind repeating that Aegis? I don't think I heard that right."
"Two goons and a pile of pizza boxes. Also there seems to be footprints heading closer to the warehouse." Aegis floats into view and puts his hand next to his radio, "I'm going to call it in."
"Well, I guess those guys should have paid for their pizza."
"YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
And the sound of a guitar blared through the area and the two heroes both jumped at the sudden shout that echoed after it,
Aegis looked at Vista.
"Is that...The Who?"
"Who?"
"The Who."
"Who?"
"THE WHO!"
"Oooo that old band… from like the 60s?"
"Yeah, my dad loves them."
"Ok then, so any idea why they are playing near a ruin of a building?"
Moving forward systematically, a method taught through hours and hours of PTR training they inspected the area for the source of the separated in two directions and looked through the wreckage.
"Found anything yet?" Aegis shouts out.
"No, theres just so much rubble I can't find anything arou- AAAHHHHHHHH!"
"VISTA!" Aegis loudly shout in panic, and quickly flew over to the general direction of his teammates voice.
He soon came into sight of the Vista's screaming, and looked down to see Vista backing away frightened and-
A red and black female was impaled on a sharp piece of metal piping, likely from the warehouse slumped against the wall. She was missing half her arm and blood was everywhere.
And music was coming from her belt.
Both of the junior heroes looked at the sad mangled body of the Cape.
"... This is a sad."
"No shit." Vista snarked out angrily, before her face fell upon looking at the 'dead' Cape, "It's… really sad."
"... Who do you think is calling her?"
"You don't think it's something like, her family? I don't want to explain into a phone that their kid is dead!" The young heroines heart sped up dramatically, she didn't see much death, this was completely crazy.
"... I suppose we should turn it off for now, trace back the call later." And with that Aegis took a deep breath and walked towards the 'corpse'.
Closer...
He kneeled forward and extended his hand…
And… NOW!
All of a suddenly, the head of the not-so-dead Cape reared up and grinned thought her mask
"HEY KIDS EVER SEEN A DEAD BODY!?" She shouted out in a crazed voice.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" a young girls voice screamed
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" a very manly voice did not shriek.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH" the crazy voice screamed, just in order to join in.
"WHAT THE HELL!" Aegis yelled jumping away, "HOW THE HELL ARE YOU ALIVE!"
"... Well, you see a man and a woman loved each other very much and-
"What?! I mean your..." Aegis waved his hand towards the metal poles sticking protruding from her body, "... Current condition."
"Oh look… I've been impaled" the woman said giggling to herself. She actually took the time to caress the implements that were sticking out her body, "I guess that's what Arclight felt like when she was on that pole, INNUENDO!" She shouted out loudly, and wiggled a little on the poles stuck in her body, "... You know, not as sexy as you'd think it would sound."
The two heroes just stared at her in utter confusion. The anti-hero then proceeded to twist and turn on piping she was stuck on, and bit by bit, she pulled herself of the death spike in her stomach.
"Soooooo...I'm Deadpool Girl, I like long walks on the beach, Chimichangas and puppies, kittens can go to hell."
"...What?" Aegis uttered in utter bewilderment, the context was plain confusing, and he had no clue what was going on.
"Hmm…" She looked Aegis up and down, as the puncture wounds in her torso sealed up completely, and nodded, "I'll give you a 8/10, by muscles alone"
At this comment, the Ward's leader blushed a deep red and stepped back, rather put off by the random behavior of the Cape, Vista snapped out of her shock at this a gave a small snort.
DG then looked over at her and gave the same look up and down.
"... Eh, I'd give you a six, but you'd make a nice nine when you grow in them peaches a little more." A big grin showed clearly through the skin tight mask, and Vista reflexly put her arms around her chest in embarrassment.
"I-I don't swing that way!"
"Girl, there are only two ways to swing, back and forth, perpetual motion, you know what I'd saying?" DG spread her arms wide for emphasis. "For now, lets focus on the E88 gangsters that are likely going to bring a twist in the upcoming plot."
"Yeah… wait, what?"
"GODDAMN IT! When are the RvB references going to stop?!" She screamed out in exasperation. She then crouched down and picked up the phone, which was still ringing.
And casually answered it, "Hey Baka-Kuda-
"*%^&"^£&*£(!" A loud garble of sound exploded out the phone and the regenerating degenerate simply pulled back her hand and waiting for it to cool down.
"I'm really, REALLY sorry I didn't pick up right away, you see I was being penetrated-
"$"^£&%£!?"
"Nope, not in the fun way."
"...&%$£&*^?"
"Yeah, explosive trap, I guess they rigged it since it was close to ABB territory, oh, and I'm pretty sure the story is going to make me fight Hookwolf, I think the writer is mad since I tried switching to a first person perspective," Oh yes indeed I did, "Scratch that, he definitely is."
"... &%$£&"*&£^."
"Don't you worry! I'll get back those materials in no time at all! Just let me take care of the Big Bad Wolf, and me, Red Riding Hood shall be on her way to deliver to her-
"^*£&*"^£*."
"Don't worry Baka-Kuda, you're not the grandmother, you're the sexy hot girl who Red Riding Hood hangs with, and may or may not have a lot of role-play with one another. Makes more sense that she got fooled by the wolf that way see."
"^%£&&"&£*, ^"&£*£^**£(."
"Alright, BYE!"
The moment she ended the call, and then turned casually to the mass of metal wolf that appeared from the side street. It glared with it's chrome eyes at the girl. The two Ward's stepped back, the situation suddenly became too much for them, Aegis quickly put a hand to his ear and began calling for backup. Vista's hands went up in preparation for use of her power.
And Deadpool Girl merely pulled out her katana's got into a battle stance.
"My, what big teeth you have…"
And that was the last thing said as the two rushed at one another.