Author : Dr. Blueneck

Disclaimer : One Piece belongs to Eiichiro Oda. Duh.

Note : This story is not beta'ed, sorry for any remaining mistakes! I just wanted to post something before going back to college, so... Here we go! I hope you enjoy this new crack!fic :D

ONE PIECE CRACK:

WHO LET THE HATS OUT?

The crew stared at the straw hat in Luffy's hand, gobsmacked, as the fruit they had so much trouble to find disappeared in-between the woven straws.

Nami stared, not knowing if she should smack her captain across the face and tell him to do something, or if she should cry because the oh-so-rare Devil Fruit she was eager to sell was now lost. Chopper watched in fascination as the blue Fruit was slowly ingest – because, let's be realistic, yes, that was happening – while Usopp was already shaking and tearing at his hair, seeming to be the only one aware that nothing went alright in this crew and they should expect the worst coming out of this unexpected occurrence. Zoro was deadpanned, arms crossed, waiting to see what will happen next and Robin, standing besides him, covered her mouth with a slender hand – to hide a smile or a gasp, nobody knew. Franky just pull up his glasses to better see the show and Brook was twirling on his spot, yelling frantic "yohohoho" until Sanji bopped him on the skull and told him to shut up – he was obviously bothering his beautiful Nami-chwan.

Luffy, the hat preciously held in his hands, watched with blank eyes as his beloved Boshi burped.

Silence followed and the crew processed what just happened.

The captain's hat ate a freaking Devil Fruit and burped.

Surprisingly enough, the first to react was Zoro who widened his eyes and sputtered, "What the fuck?!" while drawing his swords, ready to slash the hat that said the next second, "What's up?"

Even Robin was disturbed and took a step back.

They all stared at their captain, awaiting his reaction. Surely he'll be pissed that his hat was messed up.

Luffy's hands were shaking and his fingers digging into the straws. Suddenly, he looked up, eyes full of stars, and, straw hat rose high above his head like a crown, shouted, "AWESOME!" He turned to his crew, wide smile stretching his lips. "Look, look! Boshi can speak now! Hey, Boshi, d'you recognise me? It's me, Luffy! Talk to me, Boshi!"

The hat jumped lightly in his hands to turn and face him – although Boshi had no eyes – and said after what seemed to be a moment of intense reflexion, "Listen kid, you're cute and all, but I have to break it to you: I'm going to be the Pirate King."

Boshi jumped from his hands and landed on the floor before swaggering away – don't ask how a hat can swagger, it just can, end of story.

The ship stayed silent for a long minute before a loud cry could be heard across all the seas.

"WHAAAAAT?!"

xox

Luffy was fuming.

He tried for several days to talk to his hat and make it understand that there could be only one Pirate King ("Yeah, I know brat. Me." - "I'M GONNA BE THE PIRATE KING! YOU CAN'T." - "Watch me." - "You're my hat! Can't you be the Hat King or something?" - "No. Doesn't sound as nice.") but Boshi wouldn't listen to reason.

So yes. Luffy was understandably pissed his most precious belonging decided to go against his will. The Straw Hat captain ("Can we still be the Straw Hats if Luffy's hat is doing a mutiny?" - "Shut up Usopp, if the captain hears you, he'll be even more depressed." - "You're one to talk! You tried to slash the hat to pieces!" - "I wasn't thinking." - "When do you ever think?" - "Fuck you, Curly Brow.") utterly refused to speak with Boshi, avoiding the hat by staying locked up in the kitchen with Sanji who was beginning to feel his patience running low – a depressed Luffy was a hungrier Luffy.

Much later, as they were eating Sanji's delicious meal and joking around, the door suddenly banged open, quieting the crew. In the entryway, hovering into the air, was Boshi. A shadow seemed to follow it closely, but they couldn't see what it was, the light coming from behind the hat darkening the form. Boshi cleared its throat, demanding attention.

"Since I decided to become the Pirate King," it began, ignoring Luffy's growl, "I thought it would be good to start gathering a crew. Welcome my first mate, Sunny."

For a frightening second, Franky thought Boshi was speaking about their ship, but was relieved when a sun hat stepped besides Boshi. The relief was short-lived as Usopp screamed, arms flailing, "THIS IS MY BUCKET HAT!"

He put a foot on the table, ready to launch himself at the hats, but Sanji kicked him behind the knee and made him stumble to the floor in a heap. "Don't fucking step on my table," the cook growled, scowl firmly in place.

"Yes Sanji… Sorry…" Usopp struggled to his feet and pointed an imperious finger at the straw hat. "Gimme back my hat! You can't have it! I need it to protect my hair from the salty weather!"

Sunny hovered close to Boshi and whispered something in its ear. Boshi grunted and nodded before facing once again Usopp. "Sunny said: 'Fuck you. I can't stand your bushy hair anymore. Peace.'"

Seeing Usopp's crestfallen face, Sunny whispered something again and Boshi said, "Sunny tells you: 'By the way, use coconut oil for your hair. It makes wonder, you'll see.'"

Usopp passed a wary hand in his curly hair. "You think?" he wondered before snapping out of his reverie and shouted, "OI! Don't divert my attention!" But the hats were already on their way out. The sniper fell into a chair, defeated. "Luffy, you have to do something with your hat! It corrupted mine!" he whined.

But Luffy was stuffing his face with more roasted sea-king, tears springing like waterfalls from his eyes. Sanji noticed it and a vein popped on his forehead. "Don't drip snot on my meal, bastard! All the flavour will be ruined!"

As Luffy nursed the new bump on his head, he wept, "Boshi didn't even ask me if I wanted to join his crew!"

Chopper climbed on his shoulder and pointed, "Well, yes, but you wouldn't have joined, right?"

Luffy pouted and crossed his arms. "But he could've asked, dammit!"

xox

Those who wore a hat in the crew decided to sleep with them, afraid they'd be Boshi's next target. But they didn't think Boshi would attack someone else…

They were all surprised when Zoro woke up from one of his naps yelling bloody murder. Nami, who was lounging on the deck, was the first to come to him and asked, clima-tact at the ready, "What? Who's attacking? Why didn't you already kill them?"

The swordsman turned crazed eyes on the navigator and roared right into her face, showering her with spittle, "MY BANDANA! DID YOU TAKE IT?"

She stepped back, shivering as much from disgust as from fear. Luckily, Sanji arrived in a flash and kicked Zoro in the stomach, sending him into the mast. "What's wrong with you, braindead? And don't speak like that to Nami-chwan, you filthy rat! You spat all over her!"

"I don't give a damn! I want my bandana back right fucking NOW."

Zoro wasn't joking, and his fingers itched towards his swords, but a pair of hands blossoming on his sides stopped him, keeping his wrists in a firm grip.

"No need to be so rash, gentlemen. I think I know exactly where Zoro-san's bandana is."

"Yohoho! It seems Boshi-kun recruited a new member…"

As soon as Brook spoke, Boshi fluttered to them, Sunny and Zoro's bandana in tow.

"Cool. I see everyone is already here. Let me present you my new recruit! Bandie, sweetheart, if you could step forward."

The bandana shyly hovered past its crewmates – or was it hatmates? – and bowed to the pirates before hiding behind Boshi and Sunny.

"This must be a joke. I'm not playing anymore. Give me my bandana or I'll shred you," threatened Zoro.

Bandie muttered something and Boshi told Zoro, "She doesn't want to stay with you. She says she can't stand your sweat anymore, and that you should shower more."

Usopp and Nami couldn't help but laugh despite Zoro's dark glare. Chopper was confused but laughed nonetheless while Franky shook his head. "It's not your fault bro, your manly musk was too much for the lady!"

But Zoro was not amused. Robin couldn't hold him any longer and as he was about to draw his swords, Luffy stopped him.

"Enough. You can't hurt Boshi, or Sunny, or Bandie. They're alive now."

"But my bandana– "

"I know, Zoro. But they aren't going anywhere."

It was true. The hats were stuck on the Thousand Sunny and it'll be weeks before they reached land. Nami and Robin were already searching a way to reverse whatever the Devil Fruit did to the hats, but the only solution was to kill Boshi to free it from the fruit. But how did you kill a hat? Besides, Luffy would surely rip them apart for destroying Shanks' hat.

The next victim was Brook, who wept for long hours when the newly named Crownie joined the hats, singing about how being stuck all day long on Brook's hair was suffocating.

Chopper couldn't sleep at night, and often wondered when the hats would attack him next. They were always parading around the ship, Boshi leading them around the deck so they could better "watch their opponents and learn from them". Zoro once tried to smash Boshi with his weight but was tripped by his own bandana.

But despite his best attempts, Chopper couldn't stay up all night and day and it was after a short nap that he felt air blowing between his antlers. He shrieked and ran around the deck, alerting all his crewmates.

"I feel so naked," he cried as Nami cuddled him. "I w-want my ha-hat baaack!"

The hats didn't spare the poor deer, stealing his beloved hat and naming it Rosie, leaving behind the blue hood usually covering it.

But the crew weren't at the end of their surprises. A week after all hats were – willingly – abducted, Franky rang the alert.

"The Mini Merry is being stolen!"

They all went to the side of the ship and saw the hats hovering on the Merry, laughing.

"Good bye, lads! We're on our way to become the best crew ever! See you at the end, and thanks for letting us tag along!"

Zoro attempted to dive into the sea but Franky restrained him. "What are you doing, bro?! The sea is hurling, you'll drown in two seconds!"

"MY BANDANA, YOU BASTARDS!"

"Docto-tor's ha-haaat!"

"Shit… I'll really need a new hat for my hair now…"

"BOSHIIIIII! I WON'T LET YOU BECOME THE PIRATE KING, DAMMIT! I have a promise to fulfil with Shanks!"

He turned to Nami and yelled over the tempest, "Nami! Follow them! We can't lose, the Pirate King will be me!"

xox

The Straw Hats – although they really were the Hatless Pirates now – didn't expect to meet an angry Trafalgar Law on their chase.

"Oi, Straw Hat-ya," he called from his submarine, ignoring the crew's flinch when their captain's eyes filled with fat tears at the name. "Could you explain to me how a crew made of fucking hats came to existence?"

The Heart Pirates' captain was looking at the Straw Hats with hard eyes, a vein pulsing on his brow. He didn't seem to have slept much these past days and his hair was ruffled. The Straw Hats explained the situation, meeting some disbelieving eyes. But it only seemed to anger Law more.

"Listen well. I'm going to give chase to this damn hats crew, and if I get my hands on your blasted straw hat, I'll tear it to pieces for stealing something that was mine."

And he muttered under his breath, "Calling my hat Softy-ya… I'll fucking show it how soft I am…"

As Luffy and Trafalgar argued about what to do, a third ship appeared next to them, dwarfing them easily. Marco flew down to them and ignored Law who gritted his teeth to speak with Luffy, looking solemn. "I'm sorry to intrude like that, but we came upon something that might interest you, yoi. Ace's hat was stolen from his grave. We don't know who did it, but if you have information, feel free to share, yoi."

Trafalgar smirked. "Oh, he can tell you alright! His hat ate a Devil Fruit and thought it'd be a great idea to become the Pirate King, leading a crew made of hats."

Marco furrowed his brows and looked between the two pirates, and Trafalgar continued, "It stole my hat two days ago, and before they ran away, I saw an orange cowboy hat congratulating other hats on their feat."

At that, Marco deadpanned, "Congratulating?"

But Trafalgar saw it for what it was and scowled. "Don't doubt my words. You'll be surprised to see how human gestures are engrained in their behaviours…"

"So your hat kidnapped my dead brother's hat, yoi?" Marco scowled at Luffy who frowned.

"Boshi didn't kidnapped Nii-san's hat! Boshi just... borrowed it."

Marco's scowl deepened and he prepared to fly back to the Moby Dick. "Fair warning: if I find it before you, don't expect to get it back in one piece, yoi."

A dark smirk stretched on Trafalgar's lips who gave Luffy a two fingers salute. "I'm going to sink the boat of this nasty little fucker."

"OW! That's super not cool bro, I built this boat!"

"Yeah! Not cool! Leave Merry alone!," yelled Usopp behind Franky's tall body.

"OI! MY HAT IS NOT A FUCKER!"

xox

"BOSHI, YOU FUCKER!"

Luffy couldn't believe his eyes. A stuffed seagull hat, a top hat and a feathery black hat were the new additions of the crew.

"Yo, buddy. It's been a while, right? Here, let me present you my new mates! Stuffy, Toppy and Fluffy. Oh, and there's also Cowie. And Softy, too."

The pirate captain just wanted to tear his hair out. Don't get him wrong, he was strong and confident in his abilities, but if he was to face the former Fleet Admiral, Mihawk, and – gulp – Sabo to defend his hat, he was in deep shit.

"You can't go around stealing people's hats!"

"Why not? I'm a pirate," the hat replied with a hint of a smirk in its voice.

Luffy was about to lash out at his hat but Franky interrupted him. "Three ships are coming towards us, captain. What do we do?"

The crew peered at the far away ships and Zoro's eye narrowed. "This is Mihawk's boat on the right."

Sanji lit a fag and breathed in. "And there's a Marine ship coming on the left side. I'm calling dibs on it."

"Hm. This ship looks familiar... Oh, I remember. It's the Revolutionary Army," smiled Robin.

Usopp sighed, twirling a soft – Sunny was so right with the coconut oil – curly lock between his fingers. "Meh, we're screwed."

"Luffy!," yelled Nami. "I'm not fighting three of the most powerful people we know over HATS! Do something!"

"You're right Nami."

Stars shone in the woman's eyes. Finally! Their captain listened to reason!

"We're going to fight the hats!"

She almost toppled over the railings.

xox

In the end, Luffy couldn't get himself to harm his hat and they lost the battle, having to use a coup de burst to escape an incensed Sabo, a displeased Mihawk and a peeved Sengoku.

xox

The final blow happened when Shanks decided to form an alliance with the Hats Crew. Because it was fun, according to him.

xox

They worked hard, but months later, the Straw Hats succeeded in catching Boshi. Zoro immediately volunteered to shred the hat as to free their belongings from the Devil Fruit powers, and Usopp suggested to burn it. But Robin, after scrutinising the hat, merely removed the stitches made by Nami years ago, smiling when hearing the agonizing speech of the straw hat.

"Argh, nooo, I'm withering, someone help me! I was so close... to become... the Pirate King!... Argh...!"

All of that was made bahind their captain's back, and once the hat stopped speaking and moving and the hats crew fluttered to the floor and stayed still, they breathed a relieved sigh and Nami carefully stitched back the hat.

"Where do you think the Devil Fruit is, now?" she asked, already scheming a new way to find and sell it.

Zoro finished tying his bandana back around his arm and shrugged. "Don't know and don't care."

Usopp nodded. "Good riddance, I say!"

His hat clutched lovingly onto his head, Chopper sniffled, "Yeah! It was scaaary!" and Brook laughed, twirling his crown on his bony finger – pun intended.

"Well," began Sanji, "If you lot weren't so determined on wearing a hat, maybe all of this could've been avoided. Anyway, here is your tea, Nami-chwaaan, Robin-swaaan!"

When the crew presented the hat to their captain, Luffy punched it angrily before bursting into tears and clinging to his hat.

"Boshiii, you bastard! Love you so much! I promise I'll be the best Pirate King ever for youuuu!"

The crew smiled, and made a note to send the other hats back to their owners.

OMAKE

"Vice-Admiral! We have a problem!"

Garp turned around with a sigh. Sometimes, he regretted not completely leaving the Marine and having to deal instead with fools not able to do a simple thing without needing his input.

"What is it?," he barked.

"It's the ship, sir! It's behaving... abnormally..."

Intrigued, Garp followed the rookie and chuckled when he saw the warship slipping on the ground toward the sea.

"What? You're so stupid you can't keep a ship on ground?"

"Sir, that's not it! You parked it yourself an hour ago, but it started suddenly slipping towards the sea and no-one can make it stop! But that's not the worse... Sir, the ship is talking!"

Garp picked his nose.

"What nonsense are you speaking, boy!"

He went to the warship, intending to stop it by sheer strength as many marines were trying to do by pulling on ropes, and was surprised to hear a loud, metallic voice crying, "I want to go to sea! It's my purpose, you can't understand! I live for this!"

The Vice-Admiral stopped a marine and shouted, "You! Tell me what's going on."

The panicked marine cried, "A rookie happened to find a Devil Fruit on our way back, and the ship swallowed it!"

At that, Garp guffawed and the ship finally managed to slip onto the water. The marine looked at his superior, worried.

"You're not going to do anything, sir?"

"Why would I? It's fun! And you need more training if you can't keep a ship out of sea!"

The marine twisted his hands and stuttered, "But sir, it's your ship."

At his words, Garp stopped laughing just as the marines around him cried out fearfully.

"THE SHIP IS SINKING!"

"MY SHIP IS WHAT?!"

END

A/N: I couldn't resist writing an omake with a ship eating a Devil Fruit... Seriously, how did it not already happened?!

Also, don't ask me what's the name of the Devil Fruit Luffy's hat ate... I didn't think of a name and don't really care for one u.u

If you liked it, please, leave a review! I'll be happy to reply to all of you! (concerning Guest/Anonymous reviews, I reply to them on my tumblr, the link is on my profile) And go read my other crack!fic "Pirate Garp and his (damn) Marine Grandsons" ;)

Anyway, thanks for reading, au revoir mes petites framboises! (raspberries are soooo good...)