So I just saw Guardians for the third time over Labor Day weekend (yes, I know, I'm obsessed), and this idea just kind of popped into my head. I have no idea why I ship this ship so freaking hard, but I do. I just can't see him with Gamora, for some reason.

Usual warnings apply. Slash, sex (which won't come until much later, fyi) and language. Piles of angst, some minor Quill whump (I just can't help myself!) and there will definitely be some hints of Grocket later so if shipping a tree and raccoon seems squicky, might wanna stay far away.

Disclaimer: Don't own GOTG, but if I did, I would cuddle them. A lot.

When you grow up in an insecure environment—for me, it was a Ravager ship where I was constantly threatened with death, beatings, and starvation if I didn't get things right—you learn over time that no one is going to save you when stuff gets hairy. Yondu would protect me to an extent, mainly by keeping his crew from eating me (and, hey, wasn't I really glad he didn't tell me exactly what that was slang for when I was a kid?) and by making sure I got food when I was supposed to have it. But I was mostly on my own. I earned my own money, gave a cut to the Ravagers, and had to manage the rest. If I was out, I was out. If I got myself stranded somewhere, it was my job to find a way home. If I was arrested and one of them bailed me out, I had to pay them back—and that was if they picked me up; most times I'd spend the night in jail because no one felt like coming to get me. If I got into a shootout and ended up wounded, someone might fix up the wound for me, but if they did you can be damn sure I'd be treated to a lecture about what an idiot I was for getting myself shot in the first place.

All in all, I didn't grow up in the most nurturing environment. So it's no surprise that for the most part, I was a complete mess.

It sounds like a list of textbook excuses, really. Showing emotion was bad because, on a Ravager ship, showing any emotion besides "bored," "angry," or "laughing falling-over drunk" can get you labeled weak, and we all know what happens to the weak on a Ravager ship. So if I was upset, I'd damn well better hide it. I didn't like to stay in one place for too long, even if it was a rare planet where I had no criminal record, because getting attached to a place meant I would inevitably feel hurt when I had to leave it. And of course, the same rule went for people. Don't make friends, you'll inevitably expose your weaknesses to them and they can use it against you. Whatever you do, do not fall in love, ever. If there's one fast way to get yourself stabbed in the back, it's to make yourself vulnerable to someone else.

So that was my MO. Hide everything—and I do mean everything—behind a veneer of charm. Flirt with anyone and everyone. Shoot my way out of situations, then laugh it off as if killing people didn't bother me one damn bit. Hey, they're just bodies, they have nothing to do with me. No, I don't care that they had families. (I totally care that they had families, that badass soldier chick I just put flat on her back, that could be somebody's mom, I may have just killed somebody's mom.)

The other rule, the big one, was never get attached to anyone, no exceptions. No you can't stay an extra night or two, I have to leave in the morning to get this bounty back to Yondu. Yeah, I know. We had fun. Now go have fun with someone else. (I want you to stay, you're beautiful, but if you stay you are a liability, please don't look at me like that.) No, you can't be my partner, I'm an outlaw, I don't need a partner, thanks for the help anyway, here, have a cut of the reward and get lost. (I wish you could come back with me, you and I could make such an amazing team, it's killing me to send you away.)

I made it a general rule not to let emotions get involved in sex. And I made it a general rule that I always had to be in charge. I controlled the encounter start to finish. I always was the one to pick up the girl. If she approached me, she was automatically out. I'd question her, before getting her back to the ship; if she was into S&M, automatic out. I'd get kinky if she wanted, but she was not allowed to tie me up, hit me, or hurt me. I'd tie her up if she asked nicely, but I didn't do hardcore punishment, just wasn't my thing. I always decided when she left. If she was really nice, maybe we could have an encore round or two, but she was never allowed to stay more than two nights. If I had sex with a girl once, and then ran into her on another planet, I couldn't bring her back for a repeat performance. That was too dangerous. That made it seem like I might get attached to her. I couldn't have that.

The final, most important sex rule? No guys. No sleeping with men. I wasn't ashamed of being attracted to them (you want an estimate of how many of the Ravagers had a strict no-woman policy when it came to sex? a freaking lot, that's how many), but when I was with a woman there was no chance of being the vulnerable one, and with men it was a toss-up; you could be the top or the bottom, and there was no way of casually bringing that up in conversation before you got back to the bedroom. So no, I didn't do guys. (No matter how badly I wanted to.)

As long as I kept to these rules I'd be okay. Not happy, maybe, but okay.

(Your mother would cry if she saw you like this.) I don't care. She shouldn't have left me, then.

It just figured that after I broke one of my self-imposed rules, all the others came crashing down after it like dominoes.

This is just a prologue of sorts. Real story will come later. :)