"-and then one thing led to another, you know, and next thing I know, I wake up the next morning in nothing but a pair of socks."

"Wouldn't you take the socks off first, and then move on to other stuff?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I don't really know how it happened."

Cue accidental overhearing of phone conversation.

"Honey!" my mother called in that terribly sweet voice that either means your Pokémon just ran off to the Butterfree farm, or you're in deep shit. Or both. "Can you come here for a second?" I groaned and apologised to my fellow interlocutor, resignedly hanging up the phone.

The sight I saw would make any child quake in their boots.

But I wasn't a child anymore; my eighteenth birthday had come and gone with as much Dingus in it as every other year, only more. I settled for returning her glare and tapping foot with a look of feigned innocence. What ever she was about to dump on me, I wasn't going down without a fight.

It was a total of about three and a half seconds before her pursed lips stretched into a grin from ear-to-ear and she ran forward to hug me with a crushing grip. Death by constriction, was that her game?

"I'm so happy for you, darling!" she cried from beside my ear. "It must be so wonderful to be young and in love!" She pulled back to hold me by my shoulders, but that didn't stop the ringing in my ears. My earlier look had long since been replaced by one of utmost confusion.

"I get the feeling you're talking about something in particular, Mom."

She waggled her eyebrows and withdrew her arms to nudge me with her elbow. "I think you know what I mean, dear. I remember when your father and I, for the first time-" Fuck.

"No, no, no!" I shook my head hastily and threw a hand out to cover her mouth. "That's not at all what I was talking about on the phone!" I had to dispel whatever disturbing images my mother was probably conjuring up in her head, but her expression told me I wasn't doing jack. "We were talking about how hot it was a couple nights ago and because you can't be bothered to have a fan installed in my room I had to resort to taking all of my clothes off and it had nothing to do with him or anything-" I paused to take a breath "-and now I don't know why you would think I would tell anyone something like that especially over the phone and you're just jumping to conclusions and I don't wanna hear about any of your 'adventures' with Dad 'cause I mean 'Why?!' and-"

"Honey, honey, settle down. I understand." I stopped blabbering and looked at her to see that she was barely repressing a smile. "Go back to your telephone conversation." I squinted at her with a frown on my face. Her actions were too suspicious, but I'd let it slide. Just this once. I started the walk back to my room, glancing back her every once in a while over my shoulder. She still had that innocent look I'd worn earlier. She finally spoke up again after I stepped one foot into my room.

"One last thing, honey. If you did, would you tell me?"

A door was slammed shut in our house that day.

Fast-forward about one month.

"Can you put me down now?"

Let's face it: even being carried around can be uncomfortable sometimes. Especially when you're being carried around by your accidental boyfriend in a style reminiscent of weddings. Through town.

"I'll put you down when we get there." My arms were crossed indignantly, as they'd been the entire time, and I glanced up at Doofus's face to see his ridiculous grin. Surprisingly, he hadn't seemed to break a sweat yet, even after what felt like ten minutes.

"Where are we going?" This was the twelfth time I'd asked.

"You'll see." This was the twelfth time he'd said that. The mystique was starting to wear off, though it hadn't started so strongly, anyway.

By now, we were passing under shadows of the trees lining the route outside Pallet Town. Great, more witnesses, I groaned inwardly as I spied some kids down the road. Why did this place have to be so popular with newbie trainers? To my misfortune, Dingus didn't seem to be making any effort to avoid their gazes. I'm sure my occasional calls of "We're just friends!" weren't exactly persuasive, thanks to Doofus's chuckles and him holding on even tighter.

"Seriously, where are we going?" Thirteen.

"Seriously, you'll see. Can't you be a little patient, Leafy?"

"No."

At least I was honest.

When we entered the outskirts of Viridian City, I was about to blow. The next thing I needed was more people seeing me looking like a wimp like this. I started kicking my legs impatiently, but Dingus didn't seem to get the message.

"Settle down, Leafy, I know you can walk. But this is symbolic, right?"

Before it clicked and I started really trying (in vain) to wiggle out of his hold, he had begun a mad dash for wherever his destination was. He knew me too well. I barely even realised it when we crossed the threshold of the Viridian City Gym. I was so occupied with my escape attempt. Even when I finally looked up to see the gym guide with a mixture of surprise and barely concealed amusement on his face, I still didn't understand why we'd gone in a Gym of all places. We must have been quite the sight: my disheveled hair, his hold on me, our flushed faces. If I were lucky, the guide would report him as a kidnapper and I could be rid of him finally. But life has this nasty way of slapping you in the face, and then laughing at you as you sit there, dumbfounded.

"Welcome back, Mr. Oak," the guide said with a slight nod of his head. "I see you've brought a...friend," He added, looking pointedly at me and slightly smirking. I wouldn't want to know what he was thinking if someone paid me.

"Hello, Clyde," Doofus responded amicably as ever, as though he hadn't just run several hundred feet holding another person who had come this close to strangling him while doing said running. He took a moment to put me back on the ground (what a gentleman) and brushed a hand over my head to smooth my mussed hair, which I promptly swatted away. He instead wrapped an arm around my shoulder and said to the guide," This is my girlfriend, Leaf Green." I'd been resisting my urges to punch him since that fateful day, but I now was seriously starting to question why I did that.

Some kind of man-telepathy seemed to pass between the two and Dingus began to lead me further into the gym. I would take a moment to describe it in great detail, but it's much easier just to say that it was remodeled beyond any recognition. The spinner panels were still in place, but that was where the similarities stopped. As much as I hate to admit it, putting the words "kick" and "ass" together basically sums it up. But I'll digress for a moment here in my shock as the pieces came together.

In the past couple of weeks, he'd managed to convince my mother he was some kind of god, consummate our relationship (don't even ask how that happened) and embarrass me countless times in front of most of the residents of Pallet Town with unbridled PDA. And between all that, he still found time to take up a position as a gym leader? I could feel the world as I knew it crumbling beneath my feet.

"Can't handle being outdone, Leafy?" He smirked at me.

"Actually, I'm not being outdone, Doofus. Who defeated Team Rocket three years ago? Who became the Pokémon League champion soon afterwards?" I didn't add that I'd given up the title because I wanted to keep traveling to other regions instead of battling day in and day out (which, coincidentally, I did anyway while traveling). "I think you've got a lot more to go before outdoing me." He shrugged and grinned at me.

'But it's a start, isn't it?"

An hour later found us enjoying tea at some new cafe someone had decided needed to be built in the city. Well, I was enjoying the tea. Doofus seemed to busy staring at me and tracing a finger around the rim of his cup.

"You're tea's going to get cold if you don't drink it."

"I'll just get another cup." I decided against pointing out the waste of money - I'd heard Gym Leaders could make a killing if they were good enough. Once again, silence fell over our table until my Pokégear decide that it would be fantastic time to ring. I couldn't disagree.

"Hold on for a second," I said to Dingus. "And don't freak out if I'm not back in, like, five minutes or something." I stood and started for the door.

"I do not 'freak out', Leafy!" he called. Damn liar.

Ever since that fateful day, as I refer to it, he'd seemed even more clingy and possessive than before. If he didn't know where I was, I didn't have to wait long before getting some kind of message, usually with the subject "URGENT! WHERE ARE YOU?!" from him. I've found that it's kind of fun to make him squirm sometimes, though. Like right now.

After my phone conversation with a friend that lasted all of one minute, I decided to try something. I loitered around town a bit, checking my watch to make sure at least ten minutes had passed, then began to head back to the cafe, messing up my hair with my hands and making wrinkles in my clothes and tilting my hat lopsided for good measure. And of course, the pièce-de-resistance, my Pokégear was shut off for the entire time.

I barely stepped one foot into the cafe when I was consumed by someone's enormous hug. Doofus pulled back, still holding me firmly and with some mixture of relief and frustration on his face. As expected.

"Where were you, Leafy? And why is your hair messed up? And your clothes, too? I was waiting for you! You had your phone turned off, too! Someone could've taken you and I wouldn't have ever known!" The barrage of questions seemed endless. Now to begin Phase 2 of my two phase plan.

"W-well," I sniffed, willing fake tears to come to my eyes, "there was this big man following me, and he tried to take my bag, and I tried to fight him off, but he was too strong, but then Officer Jenny came a-and..." I was blubbering like a baby while Dingus's face became set in a frown with his brow furrowed.

"Don't worry, Leafy!" he cried. "I'll apprehend this fiend myself! No one touches my girl! Or tries to take her bag!" he added as an afterthought. Fantastic. Consider this revenge for that day.

Unfortunately, I honestly had no idea what to do here. I hadn't expected to get this far, actually. As all of you lovely smart readers out there could probably figure out, there was no "big man" and Doofus was acting all noble for nothing. He was denser than I thought; I'd assumed he'd realise I was lying. Now I had to come up with something or come out with the truth. The latter option had never appealed to me.

So if you were around and wondering why I chose to throw my arms around him like he was a freaking messiah or something, now you know.

Just like earlier, he swept me up off of my feet and into his arms. I guess holding hands wasn't his thing. Or walking with a good two feet of space between us. Just like earlier, he started running through town, but this time not for his life. However, unlike earlier, he decided that I would be better carried over his shoulder with my face against his back and my feet at the perfect height for dealing some damage. He didn't seem to realise this, and I was feeling especially generous. He should be grateful.

Speaking of my face against his back, my vision was kind of limited at that point. That left me and my thoughts together - never a good combination. The first thing I thought was how funny it would be if Dingus tripped right about then, but I figured my legs (or in the rare occasion, my head) would get pinned under him. Scratch the tripping. Next, I moved onto more philosophical thoughts. If I did kick him...no, then he'd still fall. Plus, I wanted to see where he was headed. I hadn't told him where I'd been "almost mugged". Maybe to the police station…?

What I didn't expect was a long jog to Arceus-knows-where. I also didn't expect the sudden appearance of a carpeted floor beneath me or to be thrown unceremoniously onto a bed. Namely, my own. Doofus busied himself with rifling through my closet, eliciting a few indignant "hey!s" from me, and pulling out an assortment of ill-matching scarves. Before I could ask what he was doing, he had already started wrapping me in a chartreuse one like a straight-jacket. Then blue. Then scarlet. Then grey. Then amber, until I was completely tied up and quite similar in look to a bizarrely coloured Caterpie. This is what I get when I'm caught off guard.

"Now I don't have to worry about any big, bad, old men coming after you, right, Leafy?"

"Screw you, Oak. And anyway, I didn't know you were one for bondage."

"That's no way to talk to your boyfriend," he snapped. "And I almost forgot." He grabbed a sock from nearby and shoved it in my mouth. "Ha, ha," he muttered. "Put a sock in it." I gave him my best "you're dead to me" look, but he just chuckled and kissed me on the cheek.

"I did know you were making it all up, Leafy. You're pretty bad at lying. Just like when you say you hate me."

With a bit of rocking, I managed to roll off the bed and fall onto the floor. Ouch. I'd feel that in the morning. He just looked on, probably amused by my floundering attempt. I made my way like a Weedle over to the door and was about to start down the hallway when Dingus picked me up with his arms wrapped around me in a hug.

"Don't worry, Baby Leafy," he cooed. "You want to see your mommy?" No, I wanted to punch you. I swear, this kid was getter weirder by the second. "Let's go!"

We made it to the living room when I was almost dropped. I can't blame him, though; I would've dropped myself, too, if I'd seen Red standing there with an unreadable expression on his face. I was consumed by an overwhelming feeling of déjà vu, especially as he backed out of the front door.

"Well, that happened."

I just had to include the beginning after getting the idea, which, incidentally, interrupted my nap. I had to end it, or it would've been way too long. Plus, it started getting a little cracky at the end. That's what happens when I sit down and write a whole fairly long chapter after getting tired out from going to a college open house for the better portion of the day.

Well, I'm pretty sure, FIN.