Versatility – 6

–

Perched upon the roof of Howe's Hardware, Jane glared across the barren parking lot with disdain. Her head still hammered with angry thoughts, conflicted emotions, echoes of their recent conversation. There'd been a lot of yelling. But right now, Jane was trying to focus on keeping watch. In the middle of the day, the chilled air stung at her cheeks. She enjoyed it. She appreciated winter's bitterness, even if this southern air was tainting it.

A lone walker was trudging its way across the lot. The second one she'd seen that day. The first had been leaning against a broken down car for probably a couple of hours now. Was it bored? Was it tired? Why did they seem to take breaks like that, anyway? Just...sit around silently, unmoving...Those were the most dangerous ones, too. But they sure as hell didn't do it out of some keen predatory instinct. Getting the drop on the living was just a happy accident that they weren't even capable of being happy about. Fuckers. What did they need to take breaks like that for, anyway?

Did they get tired, maybe?

Huh.

Brooding over the edge of the roof with her hands, Jane had nothing better to do than watch the walker for a while. Its aimless meanderings, its pointless shamblings...

Every direction was a question. But there were never any good answers. Not answers that made sense, anyway.

After a couple of minutes, the walker had found its way over to the one taking a load off. It was passing by without incident. This drew the attention of the one taking a break, and by the time the trekking walker had reached the end of the lot, it had a follower. Jane couldn't help but notice that the one leading the way was smaller, shorter...

Laughing to herself through her nose, Jane sighed. She scratched an itch on the back of her head feverishly for a few seconds. A nice protective layer of dandruff. Yep, that'd scare the fuckers off, right?

Blech. What she wouldn't do for a fucking cigarette right then...Or a stiff drink. Either, really. Fuck, she couldn't even remember the last time she'd partaken in both at the same time. Definitely before everything had gone to shit.

Hm. No, wait. She could remember, when she put her mind to it. Felt like ages ago, but...Yep.

A late-night bender with the douchebag she'd been shacking up with back then. More for his money, as she recalled. Which came in real handy when it was drinking night. Jaime had tried to come hang out with them, but Jane had sharply declined via white lie. She couldn't remember what it had been, or even why she hadn't wanted Jaime to come hang out. She could only remember how pointless the night had been. A haze of smoke rings and shot glasses, beer bottles and glowing ashes, placid sex – which kinda happened when everyone was, ya know, stoned out of their fucking minds...Sex and vomit did not mix well. Not something she was kinky about. Especially when she was the one vomiting.

That particular night, she'd gone out less to spend time with that asshole and more for the intake of, well...shit. Shit that made her forget what a lousy life she was living. Which had felt good at the time. Less good when the previously mentioned vomiting had started up, but...Probably would still feel good right in that very moment on the rooftop of the fucking boring-as-hell apocalypse, as upset as she was. Hell, she'd even be OK with throwing up her brains afterward if the stuff was good enough.

On second thought, maybe Jane had it all wrong the first time. What she wouldn't give to remember the good stuff from the 'Before Time.' The actual good stuff, not the alcohol. If she'd chosen to take up her sister's offer that night, countless months ago, instead of piss the night away with pricks she didn't care for, maybe she'd have one more good memory to latch onto in these boorish times. And she had very few of those to spare anymore, half of them spoiled by shitty circumstance like mold forming in milk.

A baby's whimper rattled Jane out of her head. Of-fucking-course...

It was coming from the greenhouse behind her. When had Clementine snuck in there? The kid had been inside, avoiding Jane for a solid couple of hours now. Meh. Jane probably deserved it. She didn't know. Whatever. If it was easier on Clementine to take it out on Jane, she could go for it. Jane would take the metaphorical beating. Still felt shitty, though.

But that fucking crying...

–

"I saw you, Jane."

"I was just getting him to be quiet."
"You were smothering him!"

–

Jane scratched her nose and rubbed at the heavy bags under her eyes. The crying behind her continued, muffled by greenhouse glass.

–

"Smuh...-?! I put my hand on his mouth to shut him the fuck up!"
"You could've hurt him!"
"But I didn't. And there were walkers, Clem."
"So? That...-! You can't just...-!"

–

Jane sighed, leaning forward against her knees. She let her eyes slide closed. She buried her face between her elbows, arms linked across her legs. There had been a bit of a...'mishap' during their supply run that afternoon. Formula was nearly out, and they had needed to find some. A daycare center they had scoped out a couple miles down the road had seemed like a prime spot to search. Luckily, formula wasn't exactly in high demand by scavengers, so it was something that they'd been able to find amid the stray supplies. But, like most any supply run, there had been walkers around. And AJ had been fussy and started bawling for no goddamn apparent reason.

–
"Clementine, what kind of fucking world is he going to grow up to see? Huh?"

"That's...not the point, it-"
"Like he's even going to grow up."

"...What? How could you say som-"
"Let's not fucking kid ourselves, here, Clem. Our days are numbered."

"So we just quit?"

"No, but...that's a baby, it's never gonna...-"

"What? He's never gonna what?"

"I'm being realistic, Clem. I know you're...really attached to him, but...-"

–

Jane's ass was getting sore from sitting on the gravel. She tried to realign her posterior. AJ was still fussing, his muffled whimpers accompanied by Clementine's hushes and coos.

–

"AJ is part of the group, too, you know..."
"I'm not...saying he isn't, it's...-"

"Jane…"

"Clem. He's a liability."

"What does...that even mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like."

"Nnn...No, like...I-I still don't know what that word...means...No one's explained it, exactly."

–

Jane twisted her head back over her shoulder, peering into the greenhouse. She could make out Clem through the miserable-looking plants. The girl's eyes were veiled by that hat of hers, and she was bouncing the braying little creature up and down in her arms, sticking her tongue out at him.

–

"Liability? It...it means...something that only puts us at risk."

"At risk?"

"In danger. Something that, sooner or later, is gonna bite us in the ass."

"So...You're saying it's like that family we turned away. We didn't want...the risk."

"Sorta, yea. That is whywe turned 'em away, isn't it?"

"Yea, but...AJ's-...I mean, he's different."

"Why? How?"

"He's just a baby, he can't...-"
"Protect himself? Protect us? Do anything other than need to be taken of?"

–

Jane just kept staring at Clementine coddling the infant in her arms. Puffing out her cheeks, making funny faces...Tiny brown hands reached up, trying to claw at Clem's face, and she allowed them to squish her nose.

Jane, in her cynicism, couldn't help but hear a walker's growls, see the gnashing of tiny jaws, the scratching of tiny nails.

Clementine was smiling.

–
"AJ can't make any decisions for himself. So we have to take care of him."
"That shit machine shouldn't even be our responsibility in the first place."

"How can you talk-?"
"Is he your kid?"
"Wh...-?"
"No. Is he mine? No."
"How can you talk about him like that, Jane?"

"I'm just calling it like it is, Clem."

Jane got up and cautiously approached the greenhouse, thumbs latched over the edges of her pockets. Her leg was still stiff from her injury, but it was getting better. The greenhouse itself was in a clean state, but the plants weren't doin' so hot. Untouched by walkers, and also uncared for.

-
"And you're...saying that's all AJ is. A...a 'liability.'"

"Yep. Guess I am."

"That's it? That's all he is to you?"

"Well, yea, Clem, I mean...what else...-?"

"You...really are a shitty person..."

"...Clem. Don't...-"

–

Lingering by the crusty-edged windows, Jane kept eyeballing Clem, as if observing a monkey tending to its baby in a zoo. Curiously comprehending this creature that was different from her. Trying to understand how it could care so much for a lost infant it had picked up from the dirt, abandoned.

Sure, that was sorta what Jane had done with Clem, but...Clementine was a full person, not just...-

Clem noticed Jane's presence, and the glare she gave Jane wasn't too far off from slinging shit her way.

–

"It's...it's not OK to think like that, Jane!"

"How is that not OK? It's what keeps us alive."

"So...So what happens, then?"

"Huh?"

"With AJ. What happens with him?"

"I...don't know."

"You'd just abandon him if I wasn't here."

"I wouldn't have taken him in the first place, if that's what you-"

"Well, Kenny was taking care of him."

"Kenny was...broken, he was-"
"A shitty person? Like you? Like me?"

–

Jane let herself into the greenhouse, head bobbed. AJ's crying was starting to taper off and Clem kept shushing him in that calm way of hers. She pretended to take interest in the state of the plants, her eyes periodically darting up to Clem. Watching, waiting.

"What do you want?" Clem's voice culled the question with dry, crackling disinterest.

"I'm...sorry. About...-"

"Leave us-"
–

"-alone."
"Clem...?"
"Go."

"Go."
"Clem, please...-"
"Not...-! I don't...mean...-"
"Look, I didn't want to piss you off, I was...-"
"Can you give us some time alone?"
"Sh-sure, yea, I can...I can do that."

–

"You, uh…-" Jane tried to speak, her throat dry. She cleared it, scratching at jaw awkwardly, avoiding Clem's stare. "Need a bit more alone time?" she mumbled out. This felt like the verbal equivalent to walking around eggshells.

"I'm not alone," Clementine stiffly corrected, touting AJ's body up a little bit.

"Rrright, yea," Jane hastily agreed. Fuck, argh…There went one eggshell, right beneath her boot.

Hands wrapped around her empty stomach, Jane's teeth ground together beneath tightened lips.

"Ahm, sooo…-" Jane's right knee – her good leg – wriggled, bouncing a few times off her toes in a nervous tick of impatience. "Ya sure you're good? 'Cuz, I mean…I'm not a doctor, but…ya don't seem so good."

Jane's bobbing leg shifted form, becoming a lightly tapping foot. She eyed Clementine for a reaction, and Clem's eyes seemed to scan her right back with scrutiny. Squish. There was another eggshell.

"I-I'm just saying," Jane continued to fumble with words, her grip on her own arms tightening. "It's been…a while, and I'm…not really sure what…you wanna…-" Jane grimaced a bit as Clementine approached her silently, baby in tow.

Without a word, Clementine extended her arms out, easing AJ toward Jane. AJ wriggled in his blanket bundle, his weird little nose wrinkling, and his…wrinkly weirdness making Jane uneasy.

"Uh, Cuh-...Clem, I…I don't...-" Jane was sputtering out syllables in a nervous fit as Clementine released AJ into Jane's arms. "I-I'm gonna drop it," Jane spat, her fingers clenching at the cloth as her teeth were grit. She made to give the pudgy, wrinkly thing back. "C'mon, Clem, take...-!" Her chest tightened when Clem took a step back, a studious look about her. AJ began fussing again, his whining noises further unsettling Jane. "Look, see?" Jane desperately mumbled. "He, uh, he hates me, you should-"

"Just hold him for a minute," Clementine demanded.

Jane gawked at Clem, who looked rather serious about this, but did as she was told.

The hell? Was this Clementine's idea of getting some kind of 'maternal instinct' bullshit to kick in? 'Cuz that wasn't gonna happen. Maybe Jane had gotten a soft spot for the kid – for Clem – but this...thing in her hands, he was different. And he wasn't shutting up. Jane had carried the kid around a few times, sure, whatever, but he hadn't been fussing, he hadn't been crying, and it hadn't been under Clementine's stern gaze. Goddamn, those amber eyes were kind of intimidating in that instant. Just glaring. Judging.

"Rock him," Clementine insisted, demonstrating with her own arms on an air baby. "You've gotta learn how to do this."

Jane begrudgingly obeyed, her nervousness giving way to irritation. Glaring down at the infant in her arms, she thought spiteful thoughts, wishing things had played out differently. Wishing that this burden hadn't become theirs to bare. Wishing Kenny had kept the thing and they'd just ditched his ass, instead of-...Fuckin' christ, Jane was being lectured on how she 'had to learn' how to take care of a baby. Like she wanted lessons, here. Then again, Jane kinda had forced some of her own knowledge onto Clem – it was how they'd met and all. But, c'mon. That had been useful stuff, not…pointless stuff. With things the way they were, babies were...fucking pointless.

"He's not that bad, is he?" Clementine posed. Her voice was rife with exhaustion, like she was talking to a child who had just gotten a vaccine shot.

Well, the runt in Jane's hands had gotten quieter now, but that didn't really change Jane's state of mind.

"Clem, look." Jane fidgeted her grip balancing the creature in one arm long enough to brush hair from her face. Clutching him back in both hands, she mumbled with a sigh, "I'm sorry about earlier, OK?"

Clementine's eyes kept piercing through Jane, but while they'd been like molten knives before, now they were rusted over.

"I know," Clem murmured.

The two stared at one another, reaching each other's vacant expressions, searching for something neither found.

Jane wondered tiredly, "What are you trying to do here? Wh-...?" She shook her head slowly, eyes rolling upward. "What are we trying to do here? With...-" She bobbed her head down, slightly raising A.J. "-...this?"

"We're staying alive," Clementine bluntly grumbled. "We're making sure that A.J. stays...alive. Isn't that all you care about? Surviving?"

In the wake of Clem's assertion, Jane was breathless – left to ponder if Clem was right. Left to ponder how it felt to realize that this was what Clem thought. A.J. squirmed in her arms, croaking out some miserable baby-whimpering sound.

"Clem, you know that's not all I care about," Jane muttered with some dejection. Still dodging the fucking point, of course. How could she not? She was the adult. She was the elder. She couldn't...-
"If you care about me," Clementine tossed out, "then I need you to care about him."

Jane's brown eyes were gridlocked by Clem's amber ones. Clem really meant it. It hurt. Burned a little. Jane in and of herself wasn't...enough? Was that it? A.J. could just...go missing. And yea, that'd suck, but everyone else had 'gone missing.' It was Clementine, though – no her and there'd be no Jane. If she left, Jane would 'go missing.' But that those seconds of staring confirmed it for Jane: she was important to Clem – she knew that fully well – but she wasn't an end-all-be-all for Clementine. She could die, disappear, even be pushed away like everyone else in Clem's life, but as long as A.J. was around, Clem would have a reason to keep fighting. Keep surviving.

Well...fine. Like Jane had a choice. She managed to pry her eyes from Clem's, gazing down at the pudgy face of what Clementine found hope in.

Fine. She would try. Didn't make any goddamn sense, of course – this thing, this...lump of not-yet-a-person, it...could be a person. Eventually. It wouldn't, of course. Jane knew that deep in her gut. But the idea was what mattered. The idea was what gave Clem hope, naive as that was.

Clutching A.J. like a bomb, Jane carefully made an effort to...she didn't know, be...mother-ish? She managed to worm her hand against the back of the baby's head, thumbing at its forehead. Shit, it was so...soft. And squishy. Argh, fuck. He. He was so soft and squishy. Gragh, this was gonna be...hard.

Oh, fuck, he was staring at her. His eyes were so huge on his tiny face.

"H-hey, there," Jane squeaked out, her stomach suddenly empty. She was holding a fucking human being. Something that could grow, and evolve, and...become a full person. And this was a thing that had been created by other people. In the middle of all of this shit.

Jane had gotten so tangled up in her instincts, in protecting Clementine – protecting herself – that she'd be refusing to see this weird, fucking freakish truth that Clem had been glued to from the moment this th—baby had shown up.

"See?" Clem eked out with nervous optimism, staring with awe at the way Jane and A.J. were silently gaping at one another. "He's not so bad...right?"