Alchemy, the science of not owning Fullmetal Alchemist.

"Well, Fullmetal, after three months of travel and I'd have thought you'd finally grow a little bit."

"Step away from the statue Fullmetal, that's mutiny you know."

"So you're finally marrying your mechanic, Fullmetal, about damn time."

"Guess who just made Major General? You'll be paying me that 520 cenz before you know it Fullmetal."

"Congratulations Fullmetal, I know how much this means to you."

Edward Elric pursed his lips as he lightly bounced his newborn son in his arms as he looked at his visitor. Mustang was sitting across the room with a small, genuine smile on his face that Edward very rarely saw. But that's not what was on his mind right now; even the perfect child in his arms couldn't distract him from this puzzle. Ed didn't quite know why the Bastard was even here. He'd just called this morning to tell him the good news and before he knew it, Mustang was on a train down to Resembool. There wasn't any rush, the baby wasn't going anywhere but he'd insisted on taking time off to come down. Sometimes Ed wondered if he'd ever figure out what was going on in the other's head.

"Fullmetal?" Mustang enquired with a little bit of that suave Mustang conceit leaking into his voice. Ed almost wanted to grin, hearing that tone made him feel 15 years old again, standing in front of the Colonel's desk listening to short jokes. They'd both certainly come a long way since then. Which is why, despite all the wonderful things he'd been blessed with these last few years, Edward felt annoyance at the man before him.

"I've told you not to call me that," Ed said sharply, ceasing in rocking his son to address his former commanding officer. "I abandoned that title when I brought back Al from the Gate. I'd have thought you of all people would be relieved to not have me in the military anymore so you can cut it out with the Fullmetal crap." It had bothered Ed for years that Mustang refused to call him anything but his old title. Not that he cared what the Bastard thought or anything, but Edward was almost a little hurt that Mustang didn't seem to acknowledge him beyond that. Weren't the things he had accomplished after his military service, the babe in his arm being a notable example, good enough for the man?

From his chair, Mustang snorted and rested his chin in his hand in a manner that always got Ed riled up. That smug expression that with just the smallest curve of his lips seemed to mock Edward's prodigal intelligence, his younger age and even, after all these years of growth, his shorter height. But before his irritation could escalate any further, Mustang spoke.

"You think just because you're not an alchemist anymore that you're no longer Fullmetal? A lot's changed since I met you kid but not that much; you're still that obnoxious little brat with metal limbs who'd stomp into my office screaming at the top of your lungs. No matter what, you'll always be Fullmetal because it's who you are whether you realize it or not." His dark eyes lighted upon Edward's and suddenly he understood. Mustang was a master of speaking between the lines and it seemed now that Ed was finally picking up the message.

'I remember you when you were a 11 year old lost cause in a wheelchair, I'm proud of how far you've come'

'You're twice as stubborn as your second name implies, I only wish I was half as obstinate as you when I was in Ishval'

'Remember how you got your signature automail? You know better now, don't do anything stupid'

'Just because you can't do alchemy anymore doesn't mean that I don't respect the things you've done'

'I know you're not in the military anymore, but you're like a son to me and I will always support you'

The baby tugging at Ed's shirt pulled him back to reality as Mustang just sat there blithely pretending nothing had happened merely taking a moment to adjust his shirt collar causing Edward to scoff. He supposes he should probably thank Mustang, now that it's suddenly apparent to him, for caring and helping him all these years but that wasn't the way it worked between them.

"You're an asshole, you know that? You're never going to become Führer with such a soft heart."

"Forgive me if I don't take the advice of someone who was regularly hospitalized for refusing to seriously harm his enemies." Mustang smoothly said as he held open his arms with an impatient frown. "Now quit stalling, I didn't come all this way for nothing. Bring that boy here, let me see the newest addition to the Elric family. I need to decide how much trouble he's going to be in the future so I can start preparing the military now."

"Bastard," Ed muttered under his breath as he handed over the precious boy to the man he trusted to the ends of the Earth.

"Always," Mustang chuckled lightly as he smiled cheekily down at the baby, wiggling his finger for the kid to grasp at. Not that he'd ever tell the bigheaded egotist; Ed took enough abuse as it was. But he had to admit, seeing Mustang lovingly hold his son looking for all the world content made Ed realize that he'd put his trust in the right man. Still didn't mean he couldn't rile him up a bit.

"So Major General Bastard, when are you going to confess to Hawkeye and have kids of your own?"

"You Bastard! I am growing; I'd have more of a chance to if you didn't send us on useless missions."

"Mutiny Schmutiny, no one, especially not a Bastard, deserves such a big statue."

"Bastard, I've got a wedding coming up and I need you in it."

"Major General's still a long way from Führer, so keep climbing Bastard."

"Hey Bastard, Winry had the baby this morning, it's a boy!"

Over the phone, Roy Mustang smiled broadly at the outpouring of joy coming from his youngest charge. Of course he'd known that the baby was due soon what with Ed's constant, if slightly annoying, phone conversations. His smile became sad for a moment as he fondly remembered another man calling to talk about his family. He shook his head to dispel such thoughts, now wasn't the time for the dead, not when a new life had just arrived into this crazy world and as an Elric no less.

"That's great, have you named the little menace yet?" He was sitting in his study with the telephone precariously balanced between his ear and shoulder as he poured himself a celebratory drink for the new father. He smiled listening to Ed as he detailed all the wonderful attributes of his newborn son. But even Roy's legendary patience began to wear thin after another 10 minutes of paternal affection. He pinched the space between his eyes, he'd almost forgotten what it was like.

"Alright calm down Fullmetal, I'm sure your baby is great but don't you think this is a little much?" He said cutting off Ed's tirade on how happy and healthy the newborn was. In the privacy of his home, Roy rolled his eyes. Who'd have ever thought brash, little Edward Elric would become such an obsessive parent? He frowned recalling that the boys had grown up without a father so perhaps Ed's attention was understandable. On the other end, he heard the younger man huff indignantly and Roy couldn't suppress the chuckle. Somethings would never change.

"You're such a bastard Mustang! This is my first kid, of course I'm excited!" There was a slight pause as if Ed was considering something. "Though I guess I should tone it down a bit when I call Master, she's got even less patience than you do and I need to survive long enough to raise the kid." While he could still hear Ed on the other end muttering things to himself, Roy was mildly taken aback.

"You mean you haven't called your Master yet?" Mustang didn't know the Curtis' all that well but he knew that they had become pseudo-parents to the Elric brothers after the loss of their mother and, later, their father. Of all people to call, Roy would have figured that they would have been more suited than him to hear the news. Ed hummed at his question not registering his surprise.

"Oh yeah, you're the first person I called. Shoot, I can't talk too much longer. Al's probably gonna want to call Mei pretty soon and I'd better check in on Winry." Mustang was only half listening still reeling from the information that of all the people Edward knew, he'd chosen to call Roy Mustang first with the news of his son's birth. He felt strangely touched as he quickly downed the rest of his drink. "You still there Mustang?"

"Yeah, sorry Fullmetal, I don't mean to keep you. I guess I'm just a little surprised to hear that you called me first." On the other side of the country, Edward groaned into the phone as if Roy was missing something obvious.

"Well of course I called you dumb Bastard, I couldn't think of anyone who deserved to know more. Especially now that the Bastard Hohenheim isn't here, who else was I gonna call?" This time Roy let the phone slip from his shoulder in utter shock. Just when he thought that kid was done surprising him, he goes and says something like that.

Maybe it's because Mustang himself is used to subterfuge, to talking in codes and placing hidden meanings into words that having Ed speak so honestly and plainly was still startling after all this time. It was one of the traits that had initially endeared him to the boy. He smiled lightly to himself as he noticed, perhaps for the first time, that Ed used to call his father Bastard as well. Since Roy himself had enjoyed the privilege of that name for years he supposed he never made the connection but perhaps Bastard is as close as Edward Elric could ever get to saying Father. On the floor, he could hear Ed's voice asking where he went through the telephone, that pipsqueak would go on all day given half a chance. Roy picked up the phone as if he hadn't just had a life changing revelation.

"Sorry, the phone slipped. Now I know you're in a hurry but before you go, I'm looking up the train schedule. I can be there by about 5 this evening if I leave right now, is that alright?" Ed paused as if uncomfortable.

"Look Mustang you really don't-"

"I wouldn't come if I didn't want to, and you're right, who else would you call? It's not like any normal person would venture that far out into the boondocks for a washed up ex-alchemist?" He grinned into the phone, that sly grin that he knew Ed could see despite the distance. "So pick me up at the station Fullmetal?" Edward laughed loudly on the other end.

"Of course Bastard, always. See you soon."

Yep, thought I'd put another one out there since they seem to be rapidly accumulating. But I like this one, I really like it and I don't often say that about my work. I like it because the whole thing came together as it was being written. It was just supposed to be the first part, Ed, Mustang and baby as they discuss the fact that (manga verse anyway) Mustang almost always calls Ed 'Fullmetal'. I thought well Bastard is as close as Ed has to a Mustang name so I just started typing until I came to the magic sentence 'Bastard is as close to Father' and I just stopped, set my laptop down and walked around because, wow, that was perfect. I don't know, this is a long, dumb explanation but I've not had such a powerful 'Eureka!' moment before. The two parts are out of order but I think that adds an extra layer. Also the quotes are imagined conversations between Ed and Mustang over the years, sometimes they're speaking, sometimes they're replying and I think that's another component of their relationship. The give and take masking how much they care. I've been pleased at how much people have been enjoying my recent FMA works, thanks for taking the time to favorite or review!