Chapter 56

It felt different this time, Helena thought as she sat in the car, trying to control her anxiety. Trying to fight off her depression. Trying to still the lingering fear she had in the back of her mind that she had injured her shoulder again.

This time, the nightmare felt more real probably because she felt the consequences of it more acutely. And she felt guilty for hurting Miranda, but it made it even worse when she realized that she probably hit Rinn a couple of times as well. Although they weren't as frequent as they were in the life before, her nightmares still haunted their home at least once or twice a week. Rinn never showed it, always acted as if everything was fine. As she did this morning in fact when she probably knew that it was not.

Helena sat in the car and tried to find a scrap of enthusiasm, a scrap of hope with which to face the day. But there was very little.

How often have I hurt Rinn? Is Miranda alright?

She got the idea that Rinn didn't really want to go to work either. Her friend was showing no signs of trying to rush her out of the car. No agitation that was usually associated with them running a little bit late.

And that's always my fault as well, Helena thought bitterly. I'm the one who can never get up. And I should probably get out of the car.

She looked at Rinn, who was staring up at the widow of Liara's office.

"Are you…" Helena said instead of saying good bye. "Alright for going to work today? You had a tough day."

Rinn glanced at her and sighed deeply, shrugging as she did so. "There's no skipping it," she said simply. "I… I don't have leave days." So you considered taking one?

Feeling a little angry at the concept, Helena wondered when it happened that Rinn became Orcus' problem. She was supposed to work for Liara. To keep an eye on Helena. To be a bodyguard for them. Not some bratty turian children.

"You can always say you need to take me to the doctor or something," she pointed out. "They always give you off for that."

Not looking at her, Rinn simply shook her head. "I have to take it as it comes," she said dejected. "We'll probably hear today whether we're losing the contract or not. I can't imagine that we'll keep it." She fell silent, then finally risked taking a peak at Helena. "Are you alright to go to work today? How is your shoulder?"

Panic came and went as Helena once again considered the implications of what might have been a wrong twist or tug. "It's fine," she tried to convince herself. "Sore, but… You know." She shrugged and it hurt. "I could have done with a day a home. Or a year." Her heart ached. "At my own home."

When Rinn said nothing, Helena tried to get herself to work up some enthusiasm, but it was near impossible. Miranda was leaving with the Normandy on a mission of her design. What's more, she had shown Miranda how broken she really was…

"This just feels like a bad golf match."

At this, Rinn gave her a curious look. "I didn't know you played golf."

"I didn't," Helena confessed with a half-smile. "But I did play it on the old windows. You remember? It's in the rough…"

She got the feeling that it was lost on Rinn as her friend simply nodded. Oh, dear Microsoft Golf… So easily forgotten. Again she thought to get out, but when she moved her elbow, it ached too.

"Did I ever hurt you?" She didn't want to know, but the question just popped out. What troubled her was that Rinn didn't look at her. No eye contact. No change in her tone.

"No worse than I've gotten during training," she pointed out. "It's fine."

Like my shoulder is fine?! Damn it, Rinn.

Helena rubbed her brow, then put her hand over her mouth. After a few awkward pauses, Rinn shifted.

"The demons that chase you at night come from real things you've had to deal with," she tried. "I know that. I don't hold your nightmares against you."

But you know I'm running from you. Is dealing with me some kind of penance? Why can't I say anything?!

Swallowing, Helena scrubbed a hand through her short hair. "It's not fair on you," she said quietly, voicing what she had been thinking about all morning. "I'm sorry, Rinn." I should sort my shit out.

The intensity in Rinn's eyes flared for a moment and when she looked at her there was real concern. "To be honest, Lena," she began slowly. "I'm… I'm just worried about you. I heal quick and… I dunno if it… I don't get nightmares. I should, but I don't." She shook her head, her brow furrowing into a self-loathing frown. "I think that's the part that's not fair."

Helena could tell where she was going with it. In Rinn's mind, the hybrid deserved to be tortured. Maybe dealing with my nightmares is some sort of penance.

"Rinn, it's not you chasing me," Helena said quickly. "Please know that. It's just everything else."

She could pick up her friend's doubt, but at least the woman didn't say anything. Realizing that there was nothing else that they could say to each other, Helena finally worked up the courage to open the door before she did so, she reached out and carefully touched Rinn's leg. It was just a brush, but it got her friend's attention.

"I don't want to hurt you," Helena whispered.

Her friend's features were gentler when she looked at her. Sad even.

"I know, Lena."

There was nothing else that they could say. Helena broke eye contact and slowly got out of the car. Aware of her friend's sadness. Aware of her own. Aware of the alien world that they were in to which neither of them belonged or deserved to have gone through what they did.

"If it gets tough at work," she said, her voice breaking for a moment "Tell them you have to take me to the doctor. I'll even schedule an appointment, so that you don't have to lie."

Rinn smiled at her and Helena had to hand it to her, she had become pretty good at faking it.

"It will be okay," her friend said simply.

Helena didn't feel like it would be but said nothing, as she always did. She waved at her friend and crossed the distance to Liara's office.

And Rinn, Rinn didn't leave until she was safely inside.

Much to her surprise, Helena accepted the invitation. Karin had had a plan B, an ambush in which she would go and drag the young woman from her office kicking and screaming. But, it wasn't needed. Helena showed up at the rooftop café for the lunch time date Karin had invited her to. And she was alone, even though Karin had politely extended the invitation to Rinn as well.

Which was a bit of a farce, you old biddy, Karin berated herself. You didn't really want her to come.

Physician, heal thyself…

Karin noticed how a plainly dressed salarian escorted Helena to the café entrance and lingered around until he was sure that Helena knew where she was going. The younger woman looked tired as she waved him off, then focused her attention on Chakwas. The smile she offered her was half-hearted, but her eyes showed clear apprehension.

Dressed for winter in asari fashion with a subtle mix of greens and browns, Karin tried to imagine what she would have looked like had her hair still hung to her waist. She didn't see any of it now, the short crop she had hidden underneath a winter hat. It was cold on Nos Astra.

Karin stood up, invited Helena over when she found the woman slow to cross the distance. The secretary first glanced around the room, then put on a more fixed smile and came to her. Karin didn't think that she saw Robert – who was hidden away in a booth behind her.

"Hallo, Helena," Chakwas spoke kindly and stepped into her former patient's space, making her intention known by subtly spreading her arms. Helena didn't move as she embraced her and, with some measure of delight, Karin felt her carefully slip her arms around her torso and return the gesture.

The hug was fierce, filled with a strange emotional need for comfort.

"Hello, Dr Chakwas," she whispered in her ear. "Thank you for inviting me." Her words made Karin's heart ache suddenly and she tightened her grip on the woman.

We shouldn't have abandoned you here, she thought. We thought we were doing you a favour… But I don't think we were.

Karin allowed Helena to hold onto her until the other woman pulled away on her own, her capacity for physical contact reached.

"Let's sit," the doctor said. "Have you ever been here?"

Helena settled slowly, fussing in the chair before reaching to the side of the table and calling up the menu.

"Once or twice," she said, not looking at her – the menu reflected in her spectacles. "Liara likes the setup as it offers some privacy. Have you ordered anything?"

Karin shook her head, still studying the woman's features. "I thought I'd wait for you. Anything you can suggest?"

A brief, easy smile crossed over Helena's face like a shadow. "It's too early for liquor," she pointed out. "I guess their tea's good. And juice. I'm not sold on anything, but my palate is hardly anything to go by these days. It all goes one way in the end, regardless of what it tastes like."

Karin could tell by her appearance that she wasn't very interested in food.

"Well, I always like a good cup of tea," she said. "Would you join me? Any particular flavor you prefer?"

Again that ghost of a smile graced Helena's lips as she shook her head. "Every meal's an adventure," she pointed out. "Every drink a journey. Order what you'd like, I'm open to trying anything. They have real milk here."

Here, Chakwas had to smile as she put their order through. "What do you mean by real milk?" She asked. "Milk is milk, Helena."

The ginger opened her eyes wide and shook her head theatrically. "Lactose," she pointed out. "Produced by an herbivore. That to me is milk. All the other tags they put to it is… I'm not that adventurous. I like my white stuff to come from a cow, thank you very much." She settled back, glancing around the restaurant again.

"Are you well, Dr Chakwas?"

Briefly, Karin wondered if she should tell her to call her by her name and mentally tried it in her mind. However, it felt awkward and she suspected that Helena might feel the same. The young woman, as she sat there, was old enough to be her daughter. That thought brought an old ache to her heart, the ache of a life never lived.

"I am," she said. "Getting back into routine, preparing to ship out. It's good to be busy, even though in my position I always hope I'm not. And you my dear? You look tired."

Breathing deeply, Helena's smile vanished and was replaced by what appeared to be a grimace trying to masquerade and fail as a smile. She contemplated her answer longer than was technically needed, but Karin kept her pose, knowing that her reply might well set the tone for the rest of the conversation.

"I am… exhausted," Helena confessed. "And ahm, I suspect you know why." She couldn't look at Karin now, but fussed with the menu, browsing the meal section even though Karin suspected she would decline anything to eat. Karin opened her own menu after a few seconds, mimicking Helena's behavior. Robert had once told her that sometimes, it put the patients at ease.

I'm doing this as a friend.

"I do," Karin said, keeping her tone light. "You'd be pleased to know Officer Lawson will make a full recovery. Nothing's broken."

Relief closed Helena's eyes briefly and she breathed easier. "Good," she whispered and this time, her voice sounded a little heavier. "I'm… glad." She swallowed. "I… am sorry. I am really sorry."

Apologies, Miranda had said. They both made a lot of apologies.

"Nonsense," Karin said. "Honestly it could have happened in any number of situations that go wrong. It's not your fault, Helena."

Snorting, Helena opened her mouth to say something, but stopped when a young asari waitress brought them the tea Chakwas had asked for. The doctor studied Helena as she studied the woman in a gesture she realized suddenly, reminded her of Liara. Liara did the same when in a strange place, looking at the patrons, looking around. Memorizing appearances. When the woman left, Helena leaned forward first and looked at the pot, taking off the cover and studying the tea before glancing at Karin.

"Can we let it seep?"

When Karin motioned her to go ahead, the woman closed the lid and carefully put the pot between them. Interestingly enough, she put it as close to the middle as her eyes could judge before she lined up the handle so that it was parallel with the table's edge. When Helena caught her watching she smiled, a little embarrassed.

"I like straight lines," she confessed. "I can't help it." She sighed and sat back a bit, looking at the pot. Chakwas leaned forward slightly, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Were you hurt, Helena?" She asked quietly. "When… all of this happened?"

There was worry in her eyes, but after some consideration she shook her head. "I might have a bruise tomorrow," she pointed out. "And general stiffness. But I'm ok." She paused. "You know Miranda and I…" She trailed off, seemingly not knowing how to describe their relationship.

"Are seeing each other?" Karin pointed out, watching Helena's face shift to embarrassment. "Yes."

Helena didn't seem to know what to make of it. She wasn't exactly embarrassed, but she was clearly awkward with the conversation. "How long have you known?"

Here Karin had to smile. "As long as most on the Normandy," she said. "It's a small ship. Miranda didn't tell me but, the people who know you…" She shrugged. "We don't discuss it." When Helena didn't say anything, Karin continued with a smile. "I told Miranda that if you two think that this is the right time for these things and you can be kind to each other, then I don't see a problem with it." She laughed suddenly, realizing how it sounded. "Not that it is any of my business. But I care for both of you; I don't want to see either of you get hurt."

Helena swallowed again, then took a deep breath, looking away from her. Again she scanned the area, but this time she took off her glasses and cleaned the lenses with her sleeve. Then she rubbed her eyes quite vigorously, but it didn't hide the hint of moisture in them.

"I don't know what to do about it, Dr Chakwas," she confessed. "I really…" She swallowed again, breathed deeply. "I don't know what to do."

Oh love.

Karin wanted to reach out and touch her, but knew it wasn't the right gesture in this moment. "What do you want done, Helena?" She asked gently. "If you could do something, what would you do?"

Chakwas saw the moment between breaths where Helena's emotions teetered between the total release of tears and total withdrawal. Privately she wished Helena would cry, but the ginger never got that far. Looking defeated, she breathed out and looked at the table, the moment gone and her eyes dry.

"Change everything," her voice had a note of defeat in it. "But I can't. So I… I guess… I just want to stop hurting people. Miranda. Rinn." Her eyes were desperate when they looked up to Karin. "It doesn't happen often and rarely as bad as this. I guess I am fine, I just…" She bit her lip, emotionally withdrawing from herself. "It was an accident."

Karin shook her head, refusing to accept the lie Helena was trying to convince herself of.

"Helena, I don't think it's fine," she said slowly. "Miranda described a very vivid and very frightening night terror. And she said the way Rinn reacted, she knew exactly what to do. So she's had practice…" Karin, careful, she's withdrawing. "I'm not accusing you, Helena. I am very concerned. This isn't something you're doing wrong this isn't something you are failing at. Lena… it's terrible that you have to go through that. And yes, Rinn as well."

Helena didn't look at her, but sniffed and moved shaking hands over to the tea pot. Her right hand shook as she tried to lift it, so she changed hands and poured them both some tea. It was very hard to read her and Karin began to feel as if she was slipping.

A moment, I had her for just a moment. Did I say the wrong thing?

"What would you have me do?"

Helena's voice was very soft and emotionless, but not distant. There was a question there that she really needed an answer on. Karin took a deep breath and plunged forward because she knew she had no other choice and no other answers than the one she came here with.

"Speak to someone," she pointed out. "Speak to my colleague, Dr. Murdoch."

Helena looked up and gave her a very frustrated look.

"You know I can't do that," she spoke quietly, still keeping her tone low. "He doesn't know the truth."

Karin held up her hands briefly. "He knows most of it," she pointed out. "He knows about Rinn. We could hardly hide it from him. He knows enough to be able to help; that is what the arrangement with him was. That we allow him that and in turn, he will keep our secrets."

Helena's eyes didn't leave her. She had picked up Karin's cup to pass it to her, but didn't move.

"Does he know about me?"

Karin smiled at her dryly. "No," she pointed out. "But we don't even know about you, in all fairness because you keep on insisting that there's nothing to know." The last slipped out, though she had not meant to say it. For a moment they simply stared at each other before Karin decided to just carry on. Helena in turn carefully put her cup down and picked up her own.

"I don't know how to help you, Helena, but he might. He might know what to do. He knows what to do for me, for the crew. He is making a difference."

Taking a sip of tea, Helena looked around the room again. She didn't add any of the milk they brought and didn't seem to take any pleasure from her drink either. Karin forced herself to remain quiet and prepare her own drink without looking at her companion too intently.

"You know, Doctor," Helena finally said with a sigh. "Even if he did, there's no time now. You're leaving. And there is nobody here on Nos Astra that I would dare trust."

Karin didn't mention the fact that Helena didn't really trust anybody anyway.

"Maybe," she said, feeling a little bit more hopeful. "But we are not leaving this very second, so we still have time." She contemplated for a few seconds before she decided to take the plunge. "I brought him with me."

Helena sat up immediately, her cup meeting the saucer a little bit harder than it should have, spilling some of her tea.

"What?!" She stared getting up and for just a few seconds Karin thought that she might run. She reached over quickly, almost knocking over the teapot, and grabbed the younger woman's wrist. She felt Helena ball her fist, but she didn't pull away.

"He isn't hear now," Karin said quickly. "He isn't listening to this conversation and he doesn't have to join us. Sit, Helena, please. Please, hear me out."

Helena's eyes darted around behind her glasses as she sought out the culprit. When she didn't see him, she settled down again slowly and gave Karin an accusing look. The doctor let her go quickly and held up her hands.

"He isn't near," she said. "He's just around. And he doesn't have to join us, but I wanted him close by in case you wanted to hear him out." She was surprised when Helena started laughing softly, a breathy sound that held no humor.

"What, he's going to fix me in the hour we have?" She asked sarcastically and rubbed her brow. "Doctor, I…" Their eyes met and there was… something that passed between them. Helena's gaze had been fierce, but when she looked up she grew still and simply studied Karin. Her features saddened suddenly as an old shadow passed over them. They had looked at each other many times once, with a pane of glass between them and poison filling the space around Karin. Chakwas could feel the memory rise in their minds and this time it was Helena who reached out and took her hand. Maybe for comfort, maybe to give.

"Something I think of, all the time is that I'm not the person I was," Helena said quietly. "And I know what the difference is. I had control over my life before. It wasn't perfect, but there was some order. In here." She tapped her head. "I had my shit under control. That's all gone now. I look at myself sometimes and I don't even know what Miranda sees in me, because I am…" She sighed. "I keep wishing that I can change the world. That I can change, everything. But I can't even change myself. I expect of myself to change the…" She trailed off. "Maybe I guess, it might take… I dunno." She shook her head suddenly. "I don't have anything to say to your doctor, Doctor. But call him," she breathed, her tone dejected and defeated. "Let him speak him peace. Or yours."

Karin's message to Robert was brief, a simple text of permission. Helena in the meantime let go of her hand and fussed in her chair.

"Thank you, Helena," Chakwas spoke quietly. "I'm sorry I can't help you, but I am too close to you. I share your pain too deeply. I know this is just one meeting, but… thank you."

Helena said nothing to this but crossed her arms, her eyes moving upwards when there was a movement behind Karin. Robert joined them, his own cup in his hand. He took the chair between the two of them, but shifted it so that he was a little closer to Chakwas. She reached under the table briefly and touched his arm, squeezing it as a sign for good luck.

Helena was looking at the two of them, her lips thin with tension. Robert on the other hand had an easy smile, tough his eyes were just as alert as their patient's.

"Ms Gordon," he greeted. "Good day."

Helena's murmur was noncommittal. "Dr Murdoch," she said simply and looked at Karin expectantly. It was Robert who spoke first though, forcing her attention to him.

"Thank you for allowing me a seat at the table," Robert said, his eyes briefly studying Helena as he assessed her body language. "This situation is more than a little unconventional."

"That it is," Helena said and sat up suddenly as she thought of something. "Is Officer Lawson alright with this? Does she know about this?"

Robert glanced at Karin, showing her she should reply. The answer was luckily quiet easy.

"She does," she said. "Miranda recognizes that she has a specific set of skills and that these kind of conversations isn't necessarily a part of it. Dr Murdoch is here with her approval, granted of course that this happens in whatever capacity you feel comfortable with."

Helena snorted again, standing up briefly to fuss with her jacket. She had had a thick scarf wrapped around her neck which Chakwas now realized was more like a shawl. She undid it, then opened it up like blanket and let it settle on her shoulders, pulling the ends tight.

"I'm not comfortable with this," she pointed out. "This feels like…" She sighed. "Not an ambush exactly, but an intervention." She glared at Robert halfheartedly who smiled and spread his hands open.

"It is a little," he said honestly. "But I think it is important to understand that these kinds of interactions always comes from a place where people that care about you strongly feel that you need help. Because, and I know this sounds like a cliché, they care." He grinned suddenly. "And, I will be frank. I felt as if I needed to meet you once more knowing that you got one up on Miranda Lawson. Rumour has it that she is generally a formidable opponent."

There was nothing in Helena's smile.

"Cerberus generally is," she spoke quietly, her tone hinting at her level of exhaustion. Robert nodded, but his eyes were a little bit sharper.

"Has Dr Chakwas explained my… full duty on the ship?" He asked. "What do you know about me?"

Oh wow Robert, if you knew how that question might be answered… Karin didn't move but watched Helena intently, wondering suddenly if she had some kind of foresight into their councilor's psyche as well. She had to give it to her though, Helena's face was completely blank. She'd have made a great poker player.

"Your safety word is apples," she spoke dryly. "You've just joined the Normandy." She briefly looked to Karin. "You're friends with Dr Chakwas. Close friends." Her one shoulder came up in a shrug. Karin had noticed before that her injured one rarely did. "That's it."

Really?

"I think the important thing that you left out is that I am not with Cerberus," he said. "I'm independent. I had a practice in the Citadel which I…" He smiled sheepishly. "Locked the door of and embarked on this adventure. I was actually very upset with Karin, when I heard who her choice of employer was. We met when she was still following the straight and narrow in the military. I was pretty traumatized when I heard she went dark side."

Karin shifted and gave her friend a look. "Robert," she pointed out. "Really. I told you why I went. I'm not with Cerberus, I'm with Shepard."

Robert flashed her a smile and the disturbing thing was, his eyes were dead serious. "We haven't really discussed it, Dr Chakwas," he pointed out. "But, now I guess I can't judge." He turned back to Helena. "Though I have never been fond of their work."

Helena's smile was bleak. "I don't care much for them either," she pointed out.

Robert nodded and leaned in a little. "Is that why you left the Normandy?" he asked. "Was it your choice to go? Or, a choice forced on you? I never really understood that move." Lately, Karin didn't either.

Helena however didn't blink. "There were other complications," she said simply. "This…" She motioned between herself and Karin as if their relationship was something visual. "Came after. I had only one friend on the ship when I left, and she wasn't part of the Normandy crew either. However, I should say that the Normandy was very kind and arranged that I be placed… in the care of Dr T'Soni. It gave me access to all the medical care I needed. I am very grateful." She meant it.

Robert nodded. "I can understand that," he said. "I saw your medical file." He glanced at her shoulder, making Helena shift and draw the shawl around her more tightly. "Cerberus does have the capacity to do some good. But, you see one of the thing on vessel like that is…" He hesitated. "How can I say this? Karin is right in a way. The Normandy is Cerberus built, but I've also come to realise that it's a more complex organism. It has a very clearly defined mission. It is… battling the reapers. Trying to… What?" Karin missed what he saw, but clearly Helena wanted to say something.

"You don't believe in the reapers," she pointed out. "You should."

Robert didn't commit to the idea. "I don't think it's necessary for me to believe in them or not," he said honestly. "I understand that I work with people who do. People who will have a job to do when and if the reapers come. I can't do that job for them, I'm not a soldier or an engineer. So, it's my job to make sure that they can do theirs, but more to the point, to be able to stand up for them if they can't. As I was saying, this ship has a mission and I think sometimes, in a situation like this the mission becomes an entity on its own. People expect it to move forward at a certain pace, to get results and reach milestones. And luckily you had people like Dr Chakwas and, believe it or not, Doctor Lawson who realized that this entity wasn't going to reach its goals unless they took care of the people. Something Cerberus never really thought about, I believe because they have always had small strike teams. Scientific projects. Mercenaries and zealots." He said the word with distain. "They come with their own drive. It is… a very unique situation." There was a hint in his voice that it frustrated him a little. "Because really, what they should have done, something even the military gets right these days, is they should have debriefed their employees after it came back from the Omega-4-Relay. They should have focused on their people immediately because then someone like me would not have been needed. And then people like you wouldn't have fallen through the cracks and be expected to sit out here on your own with no emotional support system."

Helena gave him a long look, clearly still uncomfortable but a little bit more engaged. "And this is a sale's pitch selling what?" She asked, her features a little puzzled. "You? The Normandy? Cerberus?" She glanced at Karin again with some uncertainty.

Robert drew back a little and smiled sheepishly. "No," he confessed. "I apologize. That's a tirade of a man standing on the outside of this entity not quite understanding it yet. I get very passionate about these things." He was quiet as he studied her and perhaps, gave her the opportunity to say something which she didn't take immediately. Karin took a moment to gauge Helena's emotions and found her surprisingly calm. She was listening to Robert, her dirty green eyes studying him intently. Karin was grateful for the choice of venue, because it allowed them some level of privacy.

"What do you know about me, Dr Murdoch?" Helena asked quietly, her voice soft but still carrying.

"I know you have a mean right hook," Robert started with his usual joke before he eased up a little. "I've read some of your medical file and I've heard some of the accounts of the crew who mention you. Karin has spoken to me of your situation and Kelly Chambers..." He gave her a kind smile. "She told me that you are one of the strongest people that she knows."

Helena's smile was a little bit more genuine this time. "I don't think that's the words that she used."

Chuckling, Robert held up his hand. "Doctor-patient confidentiality," he said. "I guess you can say that I know enough to say that I don't know anything at all. And I wished that you and I had time to talk about what happened on the base. And the mine. And with your friend. I think you need to talk about these things, which is why you get nightmares. Have you ever considered approaching someone in Nos Astra?"

Helena's look was colder this time.

"No," she said with a chill in her voice. "I can't risk Rinn that way."

Robert nodded slowly. "Which means you do feel the need to talk about her?"

Helena sniffed loudly and sat up straighter. "No," she said a little bit defensively. "But seeing someone without being able to tell them the truth is hardly worth it, don't you think, Dr Murdoch? I can't even talk to Rinn about these things because she's…" She breathed out loudly. "She has to deal with enough. She doesn't need exposed to that."

Robert nodded again. Karin had noticed that he was beating a soft rhythm on his own leg while they were talking. "But she does have to deal with your nightmares. It's not become something that you can keep to yourself." His hands became still and this time he picked them up and put them on the table where Helena could see them. She had been looking past them, but now turned her attention to him again, glancing at his hands as if they were something to be wary of.

"If I could I would," Helena said a bit snappishly. "I'm not… I'm not doing that because I want to. I want to stop. The nightmares will stop, they always have before. They have to because…"

"You feel it's not fair to your friend, because you feel she tortures herself enough already." Robert's statement wasn't necessarily an interruption, rather it had been a natural progression when Helena started trailing off. The ginger looked at him now, both alarmed and surprised. Even Karin found herself look at Robert, wondering where he got that from.

For a few breaths, nothing was said at the table.

"Rinn needs help a lot more than I do."

Robert nodded and Karin knew that he honestly agreed with Helena.

"What help would you want from me, Helena?" He asked. "What do you think I can do for you?"

Her eyes were bleak when she looked at him. "Nothing." She said honestly. "I told Dr Chakwas, you are leaving and I'm not even convinced I should sit here and talk with you because I can honestly not figure out what it is that you are offering me."

Karin got the feeling that Robert had been mentally waiting for this moment when he dropped his tone of voice.

"Perspective," he whispered, drawing Helena's eyes back to his. "Understanding. A way to help unravel the elements that have gotten stuck in your psyche that plays itself out in your dreams. You need time, yes, but maybe I can shorten what might be a very long journey. I want to offer you a start and yes, some reprieve. Don't you think you deserve that at least?"

Something in Helena's face told Karin that she wasn't sure. She looked away from them, her miserable eyes clearly seeing nothing as she turned inward and thought about what he had said. Her expression didn't become lighter.

"Time, Dr Murdoch," she said. "We don't have much of it. Even now, I have to get back to the office." She sniffed loudly and rubbed her nose, reaching out for her tea and drinking a few sips. "I am… tired. And I still have a lot of work to do which is not happening at the pace that it needs to."

Robert leaned in a bit, his features radiating understanding. "Then let's see if we can fix that exhaustion in the short term," he said. "You're right; timing isn't conducive to what would ideally be the start of a lengthy set of therapy sessions. But, it shouldn't be the hurdle. We live in a marvelous time of communication. I know space travel makes it a bit difficult, but we can sort something out. And, I can offer an ear when we're next in Nos Astra. But…" He glanced at Karin. "We can also help you with something that will help you sleep a bit better. If you are less tired, maybe it will give your mind the fortitude to withstand these assaults." He smiled at her. "I'm guessing you don't sleep well often?"

Helena surrendered the truth by simply shaking her head. "I am not signing up for any lengthy set of therapy sessions," she said, drawling in his accent a little. "And I don't want anything that's going to be addictive. But…" She hesitated. "If I can sleep better, it might stop me from knocking the teeth out of someone." She tried a half smile.

Robert nodded sagely then turned a little bit more serious. "Karin can also give you something to give to Rinn," he said – speaking the hybrid's name for the first time. "If you are having a nightmare, it might help her neutralize you before you hurt yourself. Or her. That is definitively not a long term solution, but some wounds need some pressure first before they can be treated."

Helena simply nodded, but there was a weight behind her next words. "I'm very serious about the medication not being addictive," she pointed out. "I want to be able to let it go on a hair's notice. I had enough trouble coming off of all those pain medications that I had been pumped up with in the beginning. I don't need to go through that again."

It was something Karin hadn't even considered but Robert nodded, sitting back again so that he could give her more space. "The last thing I want is to create another obstacle for you to overcome," he spoke quietly. "Karin will organize it and I'll be available for any questions. You can direct them at one or both of us." He smiled suddenly. "Or even Kelly Chambers," he added to Karin's surprise. "If you are more comfortable with her."

Helena murmured a halfhearted reply and stood up slowly, looking older than she did when she came to sit down. "I have to get back my ahm… lift is around." The idea seemed to frustrate her. "Thank you for the invitation, Dr Chakwas. Dr Murdoch, thank you for…" She frowned and gave him a halfhearted glare. "Being a busy body."

Robert looked relaxed as he smiled. He didn't get up, or offer her a hand in departure. "Honestly, you have Karin to thank for this," he said. "It was good talking to you, Helena. Thank you. I'll send you a message in a week or so, to hear how you are doing."

The young woman said nothing but turned to Karin who quickly got up with her. "I'm sorry we didn't get to chat more, Helena," the doctor pointed out. "I promise the next invitation will be a social one. Let me walk you out. Robbie and I will finish your tea, sorry you didn't get to enjoy it."

Smiling crookedly, Helena gave her a one shoulder shrug and turned her back on the table, slowly heading to the entrance. Karin followed her, briefly touching her back as she fell in step behind her.

"The idea was really not to ambush you, love," the doctor spoke quietly. "But you needed to hear this."

Turning to her, Helena's expression was somber. "I'm telling myself that you mean well by it," she pointed out. "And I'd have told you to tell me the truth before I came… But then I wouldn't have showed up." She snorted and her eyes were moist again. She had enough self-control not to start crying, but she was close to it.

"And he gave me things to think about, I will not deny that."

They were at the foyer now and sure enough, the same salarian was waiting for her outside. Helena looked at him, then turned to Chakwas. To the doctor's surprise, she leaned in and gave her a hug which Karin accepted immediately.

"Call me," She whispered in Helena's ear. "If you need anything, call me. I'm on my own journey of healing, I know it's hard. Call me, write me. You're not alone here. You are among friends."

Helena's soft chuckle was followed by a very brief kiss on the doctor's cheek before she pulled away.

"I try and tell myself that as well, Dr Chakwas. Thank you and… my regards to the people who'd have it on the Normandy. Stay safe."

The loss of contact left Karin with another strange void and again she found herself thinking of a life she never lived.

"I will contact you pretty soon, Helena," she said. "I need to hear whether the medication accommodates with you. There are many alternatives. Robert will help."

The ginger nodded, but started to wander away. "I'll tell you when my third eye pops out of my skull," she said, not looking back. "Good bye." She went to the salarian and they left the area together. Karin watched them go, then returned to the table where Robert was browsing the menu.

"What are you looking for, Robbie?" She asked as she sat down and was surprised when he gave her a wild grind.

"Champagne," he said. "To celebrate. That went much better than I anticipated."