Undateable

As Written by: TheBooksofEli

Starring: Boomer, Bubbles, Brick & Blossom

Location: Townsville, CA (somewhere around the second semester of college)

Boomer just walked in to Brick's apartment with a sour look on his face. This face had befallen him as an result of an awful date with his girlfriend, Bubbles, (and leftovers from a 3-star Mexican restaurant). Meanwhile, Brick foolishly squandered his time playing Crash Bandicoot rather than studying for his important exam in the morning. But that's not even remotely relevant for today's story.

"Oh, hey," Brick looked over his shoulder, "how did the therapy with Bubbles go?"

"Just as I thought."

"Oh, so my therapist friend did well then?"

"No," Boomer rolled his eyes. "Your therapist friend had no idea what he was doing. The only thing he got right was figure out that Bubbles and I have absolutely nothing in common."

"Well, he did buy his license online," Brick mumbled. "But still, I fail to see how that translated to a good date."

"I never said it was good. In fact, no date is ever 'good' with her," Boomer air-quoted with his fingerless hands.

Also meanwhile, Bubbles came into Blossom's apartment, slamming the door behind her. An unwitting Blossom stopped knitting exciting underwear and turned off the boy band nonsense she was listening to.

"Uhh! I can't date that douche anymore."

"What's the matter, Bubbles? Another date rape?"

"No, not today."

"Well, let's go to the bathroom together and we can talk about boys and feelings and...stuff."

"But we're in the same room. Alone."

"Oh...right," said Blossom awkwardly.

"I don't know where's all this is coming from," Brick shrugged. "You and Bubbles have been going strong for a solid week now."

"And I've dreaded each passing day by her side."

"You made out with her for like 10 minutes the other night."

Boomer gestured to himself. "I was unbelievably drunk."

"But you made out with him for like 10 minutes the other night," Blossom tilted her head.

"HE BARFED IN MY MOUTH RIGHT AFTER!" Bubbles raised her hands.

"What's the matter with her?" Brick still looked confused. "She's nice, pretty, and my girlfriend's sister — which means I'm totally not going to stereotypically like her more than Blossom."

"What's the matter with her? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?! Well, for starters, I'm figuratively banned from all my favorite places!"

~~~(Flashback)~~~

Bubbles (holding Boomer's hand): "Do you have anything by Nickleback?"

Record Store Clerk: "Get out."

~~~(End Flashback)~~~

"Remember there days ago when our dads came to town and wanted to meet her?"

~~~(Flashback)~~~

Bubbles: "I forgot my tennis shoes at Blossom's. All I have are these Crocs."

~~~(End Flashback)~~~

"Oh yeah! They disowned you in front of everyone!" Brick laughed.

"But what really bothers me is that she ruins the movie for me every time!"

~~~(Flashback)~~~

(1/3) "Ooh, this is the part where the ship hits the iceberg and sinks everybody!"

(2/3) "Ooh! Look! They're finally gonna make it to White Castle!"

(3/3) "Ooh, ooh, I love this part! Dory finds Nemo!"

~~~(End Flashback)~~~

"Oh, come on. You didn't see any of those coming?" Brick sounded annoyed.

"Are you listening to me?" Boomer moved his arms maniacally. "SHE RUINED SOME OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME FROM ME!"

"You know," Bubbles began, picking up laundry from the floor, "for such a critic like Boomer, he hasn't even seen The Wizard of Oz yet." Blossom smudged her makeup in the wake of this reveal.

"He's never seen The Wizard of Oz?!"

"She thinks we're even because I've never seen The Wizard of Oz."

"Well, Boomer..." started Brick, feeling the whiskers on his face, "that sounds like a fairly robust reason for her to break up with you instead of you dumping her."

Blossom was now curling her hair. "You know, for all his flaws, yours are 10 times worse."

"Who's side are you on?!" Bubbles raised her hands and voice at Blossom.

"Uh..." Blossom turned away to think about that one.

"Who's side are you on?!" Boomer raised his hands and voice at Brick.

"Currently...Crash Bandicoot's," Brick returned to his game, "so...get out of my apartment. I'm trying to beat my high score."

Boomer moved to the PlayStation and yanked out the console's socket from the wall. Also, also meanwhile (that's 3 meanwhile's so far), Bubbles ripped out the curler from Blossom's hair and pointed it at her like a lightsaber (the cordless curler and a lightsaber are basically the same thing in purpose). The two distraught lovers addressed their respective older sibling with precision in their snarling voices. Brick put a cigarette in his mouth out of spite of losing his game's progress but Boomer took it and threw it aside. They spoke in total synchronization.

Boomer: "Listen you sick, lazy..."

Bubbles: "...sleazy, skank!"

Boomer: "If you're just going to joke around..."

Bubbles: "...and not help me console with my..."

Boomer: "...idiot girlfriend, then I'm just going to have to deal with that..."

Bubbles: "...good-for-nothing..."

Boomer: "...boneheaded..."

Bubbles: "...lazy ass..."

Boomer: "...spoiled..."

Bubbles: "...rotten..."

Boomer/Bubbles: "...son of a bitch myself!"

As it turns out, just as soon as the pinnacle of the split-screen argument had been reached, the cigarette that was improperly disposed of at the hand of our male protagonist had apparently landed on the PlayStation and, unbeknownst to them, had already burned most of it to a melty, plastic crisp.

"Oh what the hell, Boomer?!"

"I'll buy you an Xbox later!"

"Aw, I don't want that crap!" yelled Brick after his younger brother, who stormed out of the apartment and made his was to his driver's seat by now.

Inversely, Bubbles was grinding her enamel to dust as she power-walked away from the disillusion of seeking solace in her sister's empathy. She left the apartment room and climbed into her white convertible. On their ways to break up with each other (and after thinking of a series of ludicrous insults to exchange with the other), they found themselves crossing paths. They angrily met each other toe to toe.

"Listen, you..."

They said unanimously. With their determinations to end their seemingly fruitless, melodramatic relationship, spanning a mere week, they instantly filled the void of silence with interlocking lips, thus ending their predicament.