A/N: after being completely destroyed by episode 9 I kind of had to write this. I can't write to save my life, but I needed this to make this episode just a little bit more bearable

Did anything even matter anymore?

I looked up at the ceiling, the noise from the crowd sounding distant, so so far away.
Just where I wanted it to be.

I didn't care. I didn't care as I heard the murmuring of disbelief from the crowds in the stand. I didn't care as I heard the splashing of water as the others swam to the finish. I didn't care even when the soft beep reached my ears, signalling the ending of the race.

I didn't care. Not one, single bit.

The water - I couldn't feel it. It wasn't welcoming like normal. I had to resist it, force my arms and legs to propel through the water that usually flowed through so easily…

I wasn't free.

I remembered the scouts - the important looking men with their smiles and their expectant eyes. "We'll be expecting so much from you!" They had said. "I believe that you're talent is infinite." They had said.

I looked back down at the water. My reflection was wavering in front of me, and I closed my eyes.
I only swam for myself. I swam for Makoto, Nagisa and Rei.
I didn't swim for results. I didn't swim to impress.

I swam to be free.

Why can I never be free?

I opened my eyes, and forced my legs to move. One step, two steps - I forced myself to walk to the other end of the pool, dragging my feet through the water.

"Haru!" I heard a voice, the same, familiar voice as always. Looking up, I saw Makoto - bent over at the end of my lane with his hands on his knees, ready to reach out towards me.
But his usual bright smile; the happy twinkling in his eyes weren't there.

Instead there was worry.

I dropped my gaze, and looked at the me reflected in the water, staring back. What was I doing?

I felt lost, so lost. It was like my life was a huge, dark ocean, and I was standing there, not knowing where to go, even as I drowned.

"Haru."

Makoto's voice bought me back. I made myself push through the water to the end; to where I knew I would always belong.

I slowed down when I got to the end, and looked up at him. His expression was worried but gentle as always, his arm outstretched towards me. Gritting my teeth, I looked down. My eyes were burning, and two searing drops of water fell into the pool, shattering the calm surface.

"Haru?" I heard his voice, and looked back up. He had his head tilted sideways, and his eyes searched deep into mine. Reaching for his hand, I wondered how someone could care about me so much, when I had never done a single thing for him.

I didn't deserve him.

Our hands grasped each other and he heaved me up onto the edge of the pool. And even before I could fully stand up, his strong body had engulfed my own. His embrace was gentle and kind, but it was also the safest place in the world.

"Haru. Haru." He repeated, over and over again, and I could feel his face burying into the side of my neck. I could feel his clothes drying the water off me, and his warmth seeped into my cold skin.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Makoto breathed, his arms tightening around my body as though he was trying to keep me from falling apart. I closed my eyes, and stayed silent. I didn't trust myself to speak.

More tears joined the first, and I hoped that they simply looked like drops of water from the pool falling down my cheeks.