Apologies for the late update-this chapter didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to, but here it is. There wasn't enough room to fit everything in so the Citadel DLC content will continue into the first half of the next chapter.

Thank you to Carrie for everything you've done this week, and to all who are reading and leaving reviews.

Some NSFW content here which means that, as of now, the story has an 'M' rating.

Shepard's Apartment, late the following morning (Kaidan's POV)

So we dealt with C-Sec, made our reports to Command, got the techs (and EDI) back on the Normandy and the dead bodies off of it.

At 04:30 hours John and I stood in the docking bay, dead on our feet. John looked at me with hooded eyes and managed one word:

"Sleep. Aughrr."

Well, technically two words but I couldn't make out the second one.

We came here, dropped our armour to the floor piece by piece, kicked our boots off and head-planted the big couch. Lights out, that's all she wrote.

I'm just waking up now but my eyes are still shut. I keep 'em that way. I can smell John, can hear him breathing, and I'm nice and warm.

Except there's one part of me that isn't warm. What the…?

Open my eyes a bit and my t-shirt's pulled up to my chest. John moved down the couch, parked himself between my legs, and he's studying my tattoo with great interest.

"There're laws against taking advantage of people, you know."

His head snaps up and he looks shocked for a second before he smiles. "I'm a Spectre. I'm above the law."

"Yeah, well, I'm a Spectre too," I say around a yawn. "Which means I can arrest your ass. Wonder what the Council'd think of that, not to mention the press… 'Commander Shepard canned for molesting a fellow Spectre'. 'Course, I guess that would make me senior."

"Oh, yeah? Prove it."

I narrow my eyes at him and slowly shake my head. "You're a son of a bitch, you know that, right?"

He laughs and starts tracing along the edge of my tattoo with his finger. "So what's the deal with this, Kai? It's an amazing piece of art, but you're the last person I would have expected to have it on their body."

I stretch out, sigh and tuck my hands behind my head because I really like him stroking me like that. "Guess it was my way of rebelling," I say, trying hard not to bite my lip because now he's splayed his fingers and he's stroking my belly with his whole hand and he's totally doing it on purpose.

Also… I can feel his breath on my skin and it's like the hairs are standing on end, screaming for him to come closer.

Wonder if he knows?

"Rebelling?"

"Yeah. I mean back in those days I was so uptight, so obsessed with regs and doing things the right way. Everyone thought they knew me. Guess they did, but there was one thing they didn't know about me."

"Regs? Doing everything the right way? Kaidan… you're still like that," he teases.

"Oh, really? So you're saying that what we're doing now isn't setting us up to break some regs?"

"But I'm only checking out your tattoo. What's wrong with that?" Then he pushes a kiss right into my belly button and my whole body quivers.

"John—"

"Hm?"

He stays right there, running his nose through the hairs that trail downward, and kisses me a little lower. My legs—and ass—tense up.

It's not so much where he's kissing me, but where he might kiss me next.

Where I hope to God he kisses me next.

"You like that?" he murmurs, looking up the length of my body.

"I, ah... oh, boy." I can't even get my words out, so I let my hands do the talking. Touch the back of his head and gently push him down.

"Yeah, I think he likes that."

He starts tugging at my waistband, running more kisses along my hip bones, and I don't stop him. Lift up my butt and feel his hands graze my cheeks as he slides my pants down.

Looks up at me again and raises an eyebrow. Think he likes what he sees. And yeah, I'm just about a pile of goo right here. My arms and legs feel so heavy. My skin… it's like it's buzzing.

Then one of his hands cups me and he starts kissing me again. Right. There.

Doesn't take long for me to get hard. I try to watch what he's doing but my eyes keep fluttering closed so I just concentrate on how it feels.

And it feels pretty fucking incredible.

Those lips… I waited so long just to be kissed by them, now they're sliding up and down my—

Need to think of something else here to keep the wolf from the door.

"Don't fight me, Kai," he whispers before taking all of me into his mouth, his hand massaging my balls.

And there's nothing else except my erratic breathing, the slippery, sucking sounds John's making… the scratchy grunting deep in my throat and the thing building inside of me, the heat, the ache, that beautiful ache... like sweet, sweet torture because you never want it to end but you really need it to end.

God, I waited so long for this and damn it, I'm not fighting it.

My head's pressed right into the couch, my back's arched and my hips are bucking. One hand's on the back of John's head, the other's flailing around and grabbing at something I can't find. I'm shouting something I don't understand and I don't even know how to talk anymore and I don't even care.

I'm flyin' apart at the seams here—

"J—John!"

I crash back to the couch and then… I'm floating, just made of nothing.

Some time passes by, I don't know how much. I don't even know where I am. Feel John climbing up me and he's laughing. Throws himself on top of me and ruffles my hair, planting a big smacker on my cheek.

"You think that was against regs, big guy? And I mean big."

Open my eyes and raise a weak hand to his face, which is right next to mine. "Yeah, pretty sure the UCMJ* just blew up."

He chuckles and kisses my brow, then my cheek again. "Y'okay? Feelin' good?"

I stretch my body before wrapping an arm around his back, my other draped over his shoulder, and give him a stupid grin. "Feel… terrific. But you didn't even buy me dinner yet."

"I'll take you out to dinner later, okay? A real date. Then we've got a hot tub to try out."

"I could swing that, sure." Then John kisses my nose, so I point to my mouth. "How about here."

"After I just…? Wow, Kaidan. Never knew you were so nasty." Gives me a lusty smile and whispers against my lips. "But okay."

My whole body tingles as we come together. He tastes musky and bitter and salty and I'm good with that. Push my hands under his t-shirt and run them up his back, feeling his skin come alive beneath my fingers. I want him to fly apart too, want to hear him shout my name, want to send him dizzy and make him tremble and moan and claw at the couch.

With a monumental effort, I pull back. "Think I need to return the favour."

He groans and shakes his head. "Sorry. No can do. Still a little sore after my encounter with a merc's knee."

"But, ah, I can be gentle."

He looks intrigued. "Yeah? How gentle?"

"I'll be like a little kitten, just… nibbling away."

He pulls a face. "I'm not into bestiality, Kaidan. I'll stretch to armpit worship, maybe, but not animals. Let's get that clear from the start."

"Shut up and get on your damn back, John. We'll talk about the armpit worship later."

We're both laughing as we clamber over each other, then we freeze when the entry door sensor pings.

"Goddamnit." John keys up his omni-tool and the huge screen on the wall in front of us shows Joker at the door.

"Does he actually know we're here?" I ask.

"Uh, think I might have mentioned it last night." John rubs his eyes and sits up straight on the couch. "Guess we can't pretend we're out. It is a long walk up here for him."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Can he… see us?"

"I'm guessing no, because his eyes are still in his head," John says with a smirk. "Might wanna yank your pants up, though, just in case."

"Oh, right." I hop to my feet and make myself decent. Hell, my legs are still shaky. Look down at John, smile and hold out a hand, pulling him up.

He steps real close to me, skims my hips with his fingers and nudges my nose with his. "Y'know… I'm sure Joker can wait a little longer. I need a minute, two, tops."

"Not with me, you won't. I'll make you work for it."

He takes a step back and looks at me like he's been blind his whole life and just got his sight back. "Holy shit, Kaidan."

"But… Joker's at the door," I say with a melodramatic sigh, "so how about you get breakfast started and I'll go grab a shower?"

"Ho. Lee. Shit." He starts walking backward, not taking his eyes off of me.

I send him a wink before turning around and sauntering off, biting my lip to hold in my laughter. "We'll pick this up again later," I say over my shoulder.

"Yes, we will. Wow." Then he blows out a long, shaky breath and hits one of the control panels on the wall. "Come on in, Joker."

Shepard's POV

Quickly wash my hands and meet Joker at the door. Find him holding a data pad, picking his way through my and Kaidan's scattered armour.

"Wait a sec. Let me get that for you."

"Late night, huh, Commander?" he asks as I kick the pieces aside to clear a path for him.

"You could say that. Have a seat. How's EDI doing?"

"Ah, they fixed her up pretty good."

I run over to him as he's about to sit on the couch where Kaidan and I—

"Uh, not that one. This couch over here. Be more comfortable for you."

"Thanks, Boss." He eases himself into it with a groan.

I go back to pick up the armour on the floor, leaving it on one of the kitchen counters. "Want some breakfast? Coffee?"

Joker shakes his head. "I'm good."

I then go to the island in the centre of the kitchen and find some eggs, cracking them into a pan. "So what's with the data pad?"

"Oh, that. See, James and I've been planning a big celebration since you took down the Reaper on Rannoch."

"A what? Hey, Kaidan, you want eggs?" I yell.

"Sure, whatever," he replies from upstairs. "Morning, Joker."

"Hey, Major!" Joker calls out. "Yeah, so we got it all planned out and thought it was about time we told you, Commander, 'cause we're kinda holding it here. Tonight."

I groan to myself. So much for introducing Kaidan to the hot tub.

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then," Joker resumes. "So I sent out a few invitations—"

"Stop right there." I take the pan off the heat and walk over to him. "How many invitations?"

"Just the senior staff, plus a few other people you know."

"Other people? Joker…" I hold my hand out and he gives me the data pad. I sit beside him and read it. "Tali, Liara, Garrus, Zaeed… okay. Grunt… Wrex..."

"Oh, I didn't invite anyone with Cerberus connections yet because of… you know." He looks up at the ceiling. "So there's Jacob…"

"No."

"Miranda?"

"If you can find her, fine. But I don't think she wants to be found right now."

"I'll send an invite anyway. How about Jack?"

"I don't think so."

Joker snorts to himself. "Lucky I got started on these invites, or it'd have been just you and Kaidan."

I lean into him a bit and give him a stare. "That was the idea, Joker."

"Aaaand I'll take that as my cue to leave." He wriggles forward and I help him to stand. "Just remember, Commander, we're all itching to party with you 'cause you're so awesome and all. Oh, and, uh," he coughs, "it's a costume party."

Put my hands on my hips. "Then you can just keep walkin', mister."

"Kidding! Just… kidding," he says with a shifty glance at the data pad as he heads for the door. "I, uh, got a couple of things to take care of. Like, quickly. Catch you later, Commander."

"When? What time? Do I need to do anything?"

"'Bout 20:00 hours. Just provide some decent music and drinks. It's potluck, so you don't need to worry about food. EDI wants to try cooking." He thinks about that for a sec and frowns. "Yeah, I'll buy her something to bring along."

I watch him go out the door and wonder how much booze I'll need for about twenty people… actually, make it thirty with two krogan attending.

Then I hear the shower start up above me. Jog up the stairs. "Wait up!"

Later that evening (Garrus's POV)

"So you want me to stand here and let everyone in?" I ask Shepard. "Like some kind of personal butler?"

He's holding his hands up and shaking his head, which means he's lying through his blunt little teeth. "No way! This is an ancient Earth custom. It's a great honour to be asked to let everyone in. I wouldn't have chosen anyone else but you, old friend."

"In other words, I was the first one here?" I spot a helmet of black hair hovering around a corner. "Kaidan? Is this custom thing true?"

"Uh… be with you in a sec, Garrus. Just need to check on… music." The black helmet disappears and I cross my arms, giving Shepard my most sceptical expression, even though he can't tell the damn difference.

He sighs. "Look. I don't know what to do at a party. I never hosted one before."

"And you think I have? Nearest I ever came to a party was that time the munitions locker on the SR-1 was left open and I… oh crap."

"So that was you? Wondered what happened to those X-mods. And I questioned the entire crew because I thought someone stole them. Oh, wait! Someone did."

"Uh, look! Someone's in the elevator." I push him along. "You go take it easy for a bit. I'll show everyone in. What a great honour this is."

"You're so full of shit, Garrus."

"Takes one to know one. Uh… one who's full of shit, that is."

Shepard steps closer to the security screen and sees that EDI, Joker and Traynor are on their way up. "Think I'll stay here and watch you squirm. Or are you laughing? Crying? Having a psychotic episode? I can never tell."

"Shut the hell up." Look over my shoulder. "Kaidan! Guests are arriving."

"Uh, yeah, I'm just…"

"Hiding," Shepard calls loudly.

"I told you I'm arranging the music!"

The first three guests arrive, two of them carrying food. Traynor's first in and starts setting up on a nearby table.

"What's all this?" asks Shepard.

"Curry with all the accompaniments," she says, taking out several small containers. "The two red tubs are dextro, so don't eat those."

"Wow, you really went to town. Can I try some?" Shepard asks, reaching for a spoon.

"I'd advise lining your stomach with something else first, Commander. It's a bit spicy. Besides, it tastes much better after alcohol. Speaking of which…?"

"Oh, right over here." Shepard directs her to the drinks table. "Help yourself." He then walks back to us and takes a large tub off of EDI.

"This is shepherd's pie," she tells him. "I thought it appropriate."

"Yeah, EDI and I made it together," says Joker, "and that's why I didn't bring anything." He walks off toward the drinks table and EDI leans closer to us.

"In actuality, Jeff performed 9.4% of the tasks required to make the pie, and that includes standing around and complaining. Would you care to sample it? It is still warm."

Shepard, spoon still in hand, nods. "You bet." EDI takes the lid off and Shepard scoops some out, shovelling it into his mouth. EDI watches him expectantly as he chews it. "That's actually pretty good, nice and moist," he says in surprise. "Kaidan! C'mere. You've gotta try this."

The music starts playing and Kaidan's excuse for hiding is used up. He appears in the kitchen and walks over to us, wearing a smile. "Hey, EDI."

"Good evening, Major," she greets him. "Would you like to eat my pie? It is warm and moist."

"I… what?" The colour drains from his face and then Shepard points to the tub, shaking his head. "Oh! Yeah, sure. Ahaha!" He takes the spoon off Shepard and tries some of EDI's pie, deciding he likes it. He and EDI go off together to find plates.

"Glad to see those two are finally hitting it off," I say to Shepard.

"Yeah, me too… what in God'sname is that?"

We look at the screen and see Cortez in the elevator along with… I don't know what that thing is. Seem to know each other because they're chatting away like old friends.

Shepard and I just look at each other. "Thiiiis oughta be good," I comment.

"Evening, Commander, Garrus," says Cortez as he enters the apartment with his… friend. My and Shepard's eyes are locked on Vega, who came dressed as something resembling a jellyfish, complete with pink full bodysuit and tentacles. Oh, and two of those tentacles have a toy gun stuck on the ends.

"James, that's an… interesting choice of outfit," Shepard mumbles, his brow creasing.

"He's Blasto," Cortez imparts. "Apparently."

Vega does some kind of fist pump thing with one of his tentacles. "Damn right! This one is ready to party down! Whooooo!" Then he looks around, his face falling in dismay. "Where's everyone else's outfits? You're all gonna change, right? Right, Commander?"

Shepard shakes his head. "This isn't a costume party, James. I made that very clear to Joker."

"But I…" Then Vega gives Cortez a dirty look. "Hey! Did you know about this? Thought you said you weren't wearing an outfit 'cause you couldn't compete with mine!"

"I think there was a memo or something. Might have forgotten to mention it."

"What the hell, Esteban? You helped me on with all this shit and you didn't say a goddamn word!"

"That'll teach you not to question my manliness, won't it?" Cortez starts walking away. "From where I'm standing, I'm not the one wearing the pink condom."

"But all I said was that pilots spend, like, two minutes a day actually flying, and get all the glory even though the real men are on the field," says Vega, his eyes following Cortez who's now talking with Kaidan. He turns back to Shepard. "Commander, you gotta help me out here. You got somethin' I can change into?"

"I don't think so. Not unless you grab a bed sheet and come as a roman emperor."

"How about a ghost?" I suggest.

"Or tie it around your head and let it hang loose. Naked Rapunzel."

"Commander!"

Shepard sighs. "Go upstairs in my closet, first on the right. Might be a pair of pants you can get into, but forget the tops."

"Yeah, thanks, Commander."

Vega goes scuttling off and the guests that are already here do double-takes. Kaidan wanders over to us, his mouth hanging open. "What the hell did I just see there? I mean I haven't even had a drink yet! And then it's just usually pink elephants, not pink… whatever that thing is."

"I don't know what it was," I reply, "I only know that I can't unsee it."

Shepard can't even talk because he's laughing so hard. Got his fist pressed against his mouth, shaking his head over and over, his face screwed up and getting redder by the second. Then a tear rolls down his cheek and Kaidan starts to laugh, too.

I'm also laughing, but to them I might as well be attending a funeral.

A few more people arrive, bringing various foodstuffs, but it soon becomes clear that there's a shortage of dextro food so Shepard orders takeout for me and Tali. Tali and Liara arrived together and Tali's wearing, uh, quite a, um, tight-fitting outfit.

"Well, what else can a quarian wear?" Shepard asks me, and I blink.

"Did I… say that?"

He nods. About twelve times.

"Oh. Because I thought I thought it. You know, only thought it."

"You probably did, but you said it, too. You also said the word 'Tali' about fifteen times in the last minute."

"Oh, look, Javik's coming up."

I move right next to the security screen and Shepard moves right next to me. "Never knew turians could blush."

"They don't."

"Really. Huh."

Why does it take so damn long for the elevator to bring Javik up? I almost hug the guy when he steps out, carrying a big bowl of something.

"Commander," he says with a curt nod, "as the custom is to bring food for some reason, here is a recipe from my cycle. I prepared it personally."

Shepard looks through the transparent lid at the grey-brown contents. "What is it?"

"Salarian soup."

"You mean… a salarian soup recipe?"

"No, Commander. I mean salarian soup. Do you need a translation?"

Shepard glances at me and gives a nervous laugh. "Uh, yeah, good one. What is it really?"

"Good what? Where shall I place it? The container is heavy. I have brought enough for everyone."

Shepard wordlessly points at the food table and we watch Javik solemnly place the container down. Shepard quickly keys up his omni-tool and sends everyone (except Javik) a message:

Don't eat Javik's soup. That's an order.

"Little help?" James hollers from upstairs. "I lost my arm somewhere in one of these damn tentacles."

"Someone go help James," Shepard says. After most everyone pretends they didn't hear him, Kaidan lets out a groan and heads on up.

Then we get an alert that the elevator's on its way up again. "Here come the krogan," I announce, checking Shepard's expression. I see his shoulders tense a little. "You okay?" I ask him.

"Yeah." He gives an exaggerated nod and doesn't say another word until Wrex, Grunt and Zaeed—who we couldn't see behind them in the elevator—step in.

"So this is a human party." Grunt makes a 'disgusted' face and shakes his head. "Gonna need to liven things up here." He makes a beeline for the drinks table, where most of the others are.

"What does he mean by that?" Shepard asks Wrex, who's carrying a huge sack. "And what have you got there?"

"Krogan delicacy, pyjak poppers." Wrex reaches into the sack and pulls out something the size of a baseball, pushing it into Shepard's hand. Looks like a lump of crap and doesn't smell much better. "Got 'em fresh from Fish Dog Food Shack. Been dying to see what you think."

Shepard forces a smile and looks like he's holding his breath when he brings it to his mouth. Almost screw my eyes closed but don't, because I've never seen a human projectile vomit before and it might be pretty funny, given how expressive they are.

He takes the tiniest bite he can get away with and makes a show of chewing it (even though I know he's doing nothing of the kind). "Yeah, it tastes like… just like I'd expect monkey to taste."

"That's the spirit, Shepard!" Wrex goes inside, throws his sack somewhere in the vicinity of the food table and heads for the drinks. Hope Shepard bought enough drinks.

I turn to him and his face has gone red again. Makes sure Wrex isn't looking and then spits his mouthful into his hand, retching a few times before he runs upstairs, leaving me and Zaeed alone.

"This place is like a goddamn morgue!" Zaeed thrusts a bottle into my hand which is the very exclusive, but unfortunately-named, Golden Snow vodka.

"This stuff's pretty expensive, isn't it?"

"Heh heh. Didn't pay a fucking penny for it." He thumbs over his shoulder. "Got a crate of it out there. Associate of mine owed me a favour, just didn't know it. Had to strong-arm him a bit but he paid up… eventually." He cracks his knuckles and takes the bottle back off me. "You can't drink this, can you? Pity."

"Good to see you too, Zaeed," I say as he walks off. Then my omni-tool lights up and I read a message from Shepard:

Don't eat the stuff in the sack. Seriously. That's an order.

Javik's POV

This is the first 'party' I have attended and I hope it is my last. If the Reapers attack the Citadel it will be my last. The entire group of people tasked with defeating the Reapers is gathered in the same place. On the Normandy, this is understandable but this building does not have guns or shields.

Commander Shepard is not the master tactician I believed him to be. He is naive.

I am on my way to tell him exactly that but am experiencing a strange tingling sensation in my extremities. James gave me something called 'booze' which made me feel warm. Maybe more of it will help.

I walk to the table which holds a diminishing supply of 'booze' and am greeted by three females: the human Traynor, the asari and the synthetic. Two females. They are cackling and exchanging inane rumours and suppositions. They are not talking about the Reapers. I have no time for such wasteful behaviour. I quickly fill my vessel with something called Ryncol and move to the next group of people in the adjoining room.

These are the engineers, the humans Adams, Daniels and Donnelly. The ones who call themselves soldiers but do not fight. In my cycle such lies would have been punishable by extracting the prevaricator's tongue, but here their claims are not only tolerated, but celebrated. I imbibe some of this 'Ryncol' and watch as Shepard and the quarian join them.

This is my chance to distract Shepard in front of his contemporaries. I will wait until he makes a point and then I will dispute it. Perhaps then he will finally concentrate on the Reapers.

"What are we talking about here?" asks Shepard, taking a seat among them along with the quarian.

"Oh, Commander! Tali!" says Adams. "We were discussing the XPI threshold of the Maxwell-Baines capacitors during peak flow."

"What state?" the quarian asks.

"Definitely quantum. See, we've all got different opinions and we'd like to hear yours. I say 1500 XPI to keep it stable, Ken thinks less than that and Gabby thinks more. Way more, up in the terahertz range."

"I think we could pull it off, Commander," says Daniels in her annoyingly bouncy mode of speech. "All we need to do is get the core's harmonics to a modulation of 6.1 terahertz."

"Ach, that's nay possible, lass!" argues the Donnelly engineer.

"It is possible if you just read the projected engine specs once the refit's done, Ken."

"Is that even safe?" Shepard asks. "Did you take blue-shift emissions into account?"

"Absolutely." Adams thinks about this and nods his head. "You know, Daniels could be onto something here. All we'd need to do—"

My brain is already weary from this interminable tech-chat. How is this going to defeat the Reapers? I drink more Ryncol because it is making everything bendy, and bendy is pleasing to my eyes. I re-join the inanity as Donnelly is responding to a comment Shepard has made.

"With all due respect, Commander, that's complete horsecrap. There's no way—"

"On your feet!" I order, pointing at one of the Donnellys… there are now four of them. "In my cycle, those who questioned their superiors were put to death. Prepare to meet your maker."

"'In my cycle' again?" mumbles the quarian. "Really?"

"Uh, we don't do things like that in this cycle," says Shepard with breath-taking casualness. "We're having what's called a debate. You're welcome to join us so long as you don't kill anyone who disagrees with you."

"And do what? Talk about flows and thresholds while the Reapers obliterate your cities?"

Daniels leaps to her feet. "This is to make the Normandy better against the Reapers! At least we're doing something! What are you doing? Listening in on people's conversations?"

"Aye, how many ears d'you have there, pal?" the one with the strange accent asks.

I touch my listening orifice but my flesh and brain are numb. "I… do not remember."

Four Shepards stand and walk to my side, one of them taking my drinking vessel from me and sniffing the contents. "Is this Ryncol? How much have you had?" He scans me with his archaic omni-tool. "Well, your insides aren't shredded yet. But don't have any more, okay?" He throws the contents of my vessel into a plant pot, which immediately starts to sizzle.

"You have altered your appearance," I say to him. "You are fuzzy and made of many colours. It suits you."

"Okaaaaay. Why don't you go lie down? There's a bed just at the top of the stairs. I'll show you."

"I can make my own way. You are too fuzzy and bendy and colour… colour-y. You are the one who should rest."

I walk away from him, laughing at my own biting wit. I believe I emerged from that debate as the victor. Before long I come upon two krogan who are attempting to kill each other with their heads. The spectacle proves diverting for approximately thirty of this cycle's seconds.

Then I find a larger group consisting of the two human pilots, the human biotic who may or may not be joined with Shepard, and James, who is standing on a table, his chest uncovered. He appears to be nursing as his mammary glands are swollen, and he is flexing them for the amusement of the group. I was not aware that male humans could birth live young. They have evolved more than I thought. But where is the infant? Has he eaten it? His girth indicates a hearty appetite.

I quickly tire of this half-man, half-woman and stumble away, disillusioned. Why is no one discussing the Reapers? In my cycle, we did not indulge in such frivolous pursuits as 'parties'.

"Psst!"

I look around but see no one. "Yes? Is it me, Javik, that you are hailing?"

"Yeah, you, 'andsome! Over here!"

I peer around a corner and find four Garruses with four humans I have never met before. They are standing next to a table with a green surface, looking furtive. "What are you doing?" I demand.

"Planning," one of the humans says. "We need to prepare this apartment in case of an attack."

"An attack by the Reapers?"

"Sure, if you want," replies the first Garrus. "You in? Me and Zaeed have got a plan."

"I am in," I declare proudly, glad to find warriors among this rabble of misfits and milksops. "First, we should fortify ourselves. I have discovered a tonic called 'booze'. It makes everything bendy."

"Yeah, it'll do that, ain't that right, Garrus?" says Zaeed.

The turian shakes his head. "Dextro beer they've got here's nasty. I'll take a rain check, but you two knock yourselves out."

The human warrior throws an arm around my shoulder and we walk to the booze table. "Sounds like a plan, my friend."

Joker's POV

So Vega didn't learn his lesson after the Blasto incident and now he's crowing about how manly he is again. In front of me, Cortez (the mastermind behind the Blasto incident) and Kaidan. This is just too easy.

"See these puppies?" he brags, flexing his biceps for—yawn—about the godzillionth time, and that isn't even a number. "Twenty-six inches of raw power. I ain't seen no fighter pilot—oh, pardon me—shuttle pilot or biotic with guns like these. How 'bout you, Joker? You seen anyone like that 'round here?"

Cortez stretches his arms above his head and looks at Kaidan, who's seated next to him. "Feeling kinda hungry, Major. Got a hankering for calamari."

Kaidan chuckles. "Yeah, I might join you for that, Steve. Saw a huge squid earlier, but I think it got eaten already."

"James," I say to Vega as he purses his lips at them, "you do realise you're practically table dancing in front of these two? These two who appreciate the male form more than most? Not exactly what I'd call a manly thing to do."

"I'm good with getting compliments from guys who like other guys," he replies with a shrug. "Less competition for me with the ladies."

"I'm good too," Cortez says. "Think I can just about contain myself."

"Hey, I'm sensin' a little resistance from the crowd here." Vega switches poses and extends his triceps behind his back. "So you guys wanna tell me the manliest thing you ever did?"

"We're still waiting for yours, James," Cortez challenges.

Vega turns to him and moves his hands up and down his body like a magician's assistant does. "I was born, dude. So what do you got?"

"I'm manly enough not to come to a party which isn't a costume party dressed as seafood."

James turns back to me and waves a hand at Cortez. "Ah, I'm done talkin' to you. Joker, what you got?"

"Saved the Normandy from a Collector attack. Next."

"Not by yourself, bro, you had EDI along for that ride."

"Think what you want, Vega. I know the truth. How 'bout you, Major? How can you possibly beat James being born? Tough, I know, but give it a shot."

"I'm Commander Shepard's XO."

"What? That's all you got?" James squawks.

"No, think about it," Cortez says. "You'd need to have a pretty strong personality to handle that. With all the demands on Shepard, his XO's gotta take as much of that off of his shoulders as possible, command the Normandy in Shepard's absence and deal with the crew."

"And quarian admirals, amirite?" answers Vega. "I pulled XO duty on Rannoch and the major said I did pretty good."

Kaidan nods and gives him a smile. "Yes you did, James."

"Suck up," I mumble.

"Hey, at least I ain't makin' up no bull about saving the goddamn ship single-handedly."

"Actually, he did save the ship."

I look over my shoulder and Shepard just arrived with Wrex and Tali. "See?" I say to Vega as Shepard parks himself between Kaidan and Cortez on the couch.

"Yep, snapped their necks and kicked their asses out the airlock. Rest of 'em shit their pants and ran."

"Okay, no need to go overboard, Commander. What actually happened was, I crawled through some ducts, opened all the airlocks and cracked my hip when we accelerated. Then got chewed out by Miranda."

"Which you did with EDI's help," Shepard reminds me. "For some reason she always seems to get left out of these conversations."

"Yeah, I was just getting to EDI, if you give me a chance."

"Hey, Shepard," says Cortez, "what's the manliest thing you've ever done?"

"Held a gun to my head," Wrex interrupts with a cackle. "Had a little disagreement on Virmire, didn't we, Shepard?"

"Yeah, just a little one." Shepard gives a strained smile and sits on his hands.

"And how about you, Wrex?" I ask. "Was it when you held a gun to Shepard's head?"

"No, I can think of something much better than that," says Tali. "Remember when the three of us," she points at Shepard and Wrex, "ran into that armature in the tiny room on Feros? And Wrex threw himself in front of it?"

"He what?" James splutters.

"Just didn't want Shepard to scratch up his armour," Wrex says.

"No." Shepard shakes his head and slowly looks up. "Saved my damn life, Wrex. And it wasn't the first time."

I see Kaidan glance at him and then look down into his lap, holding in a sigh. I obviously missed something here.

"Had it all figured out," replies Wrex. "Knew you'd cure the genophage someday, so that's why I kept you alive." They all laugh, but Kaidan's laughing politely and Shepard's just grimacing and stroking the top of his head.

You know we've all got that one racist grandpa or uncle who says stuff at the dinner table when you're a kid, and your dad's nudging you not to stare at him with your mouth wide open, even though everyone's really uncomfortable? Not that Wrex is the racist grandpa here, but Shepard's definitely the kid and Kaidan's the dad. Only he's not nudging Shepard.

Okay, that was a crappy comparison, but I know what I mean.

"Well, better circulate." Shepard stands up and so does Kaidan, but Shepard tells him to stay put. "Think I'll check on Grunt, I heard the Ryncol's running low."

He nopes outta here just like he did when EDI told like the whole lounge he and Kaidan were into each other. Damn, I wish EDI'd been on the SR-1, 'cause some weird shit just went down here that I don't understand, and she'd definitely spill the beans.

Maybe I'll ask her anyway.

Later that evening (Kaidan's POV)

Finally managed to sneak away for a bit without appearing rude. I mean it's not that I'm not enjoying the party—although parties aren't really my thing—it's just that it's getting a little rowdy down there and I feel kinda out of place. Don't really know how to act when everyone's cutting loose like that. Just need to take a few minutes of quiet and then I'll be able to enter the fray again with a (genuine) smile on my face.

I'm in one of the bathrooms upstairs so I check myself out in the mirror. John was right—this tux does look good on me, although the lighting's pretty soft in here. Maybe I'll wear it for this date he's promised me. I'm assuming the sushi place is out, though.

Ah… I knew it couldn't last. Someone's coming up the stairs. Someone's running up them. I hear footsteps and then they stop.

"Kai? You up here?" It's John. I key the entry panel and the door slides open. He's heading past the bathroom and quickly turns around. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were…"

"I wasn't."

He walks up to me and leans against the door. "Hiding?"

"Uh, not exactly…"

He's grinning at me. He knows damn well I'm hiding. He steps past me into the bathroom and closes the door. "Want me to kick 'em out?"

"No! Listen, John, I'm having a great time, I just wanted a minute, that's all. Didn't mean to be a stick-in-the-mud."

"You're not a stick-in-the-mud, you just need a time out. Nothing wrong with that, it's how you were made." He comes and leans against the wash basin unit next to me, looking into my eyes. "I never did get the Presidium for you, did I?"

Can't believe he remembers that. I laugh out loud. "No, but I kept it in my head. Still go back there sometimes."

"Yeah?" He moves in front of me and rests his hands on my waist. "Then let's go there now. Together." There's a loud crash and a cheer from downstairs but John doesn't blink. "Close your eyes."

I'm still laughing because I feel silly but I do as he asks. His arms fold around my waist and he pulls me close, resting his nose against my cheek, his breath feathering my lips, but he doesn't kiss me as I expected. I just feel this huge warmth inside of me and I lean into him, my own eyes fluttering closed, my hands sliding up his chest and resting on his shoulders.

I'm not laughing anymore. I'm just still. Seems like time stopped and it's just us two, breathing together. I'm taken back to three years ago, before Horizon, before Cerberus, and things feel… like they should. I can't even hear the ruckus downstairs anymore. Maybe it stopped. It doesn't even matter.

I think we stay there for a few minutes but I lose track. "How do you do that?" I whisper to him.

"Hm?"

"I mean your life's full of chaos, danger, insanity, and yet you always make me feel… at peace."

"Advanced N7 training. Works wonders on Cerberus. Just hug 'em into submission."

Well now I'm laughing again. Move my head back an inch and look into his eyes. "No, really. How do you know exactly what I need, just like that?"

He holds my gaze for a few moments and exhales. "Because you're the only part of my life that's normal. That makes me feel normal."

"So… I'm the most normal guy you know?" I tease.

"Yeah. And you have no idea how precious that is." He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my lips. "Now you're back in my life, and now we're together as we should be, I need to make sure you're okay."

I run a hand along the back of his head, his buzz cut tickling my fingers. "And are you okay? You were pretty tense after what Wrex said."

He looks down for a sec and slowly nods. "Yeah. After tonight, Kai, I'm going to put things right. I can pull in a few favours and… I don't know how, but we'll do it. Somehow."

I nudge his chin and he looks up at me. "It's not only the right thing to do, but it'll give you peace, too, John."

"There's always another way, right?" he says quietly.

"Right."

I pull him tight against me and bury my face in his neck. I'm so relieved and happy. Then he steps back and there's something different in his eyes.

"How about we do something unexpected?"

"Like…?"

"I believe I promised you a date."

"What, here in the bathroom?"

He waggles his eyebrows and yeah, I walked into that one. "Maybe some other time. But I know this great little noodle place."

I nod and put on my serious face. "And, ah, how's the floor there?"

"Reinforced. If Grunt couldn't bust it, neither can I."

"Sold," I say with a grin. "But aren't you forgetting something? You're supposed to be hosting a party."

He shakes his head, running his hands up and down my arms. "I never agreed to host a party. I did agree to buy you dinner. This is Joker's show. The booze is running out anyway, so I think it'll start winding down soon."

"Well… if you're sure."

"Really had to bust your balls there, didn't I?"

He follows me out of the bathroom and we move to the balcony overlooking the main level. Seems the party's in full swing. James and Joker are playing a drinking game with the engineers; Cortez, Liara, Traynor, EDI and Tali are dancing, while Wrex and Grunt are singing krogan war songs above the music.

No idea where Javik, Garrus and Zaeed went. Just like no one knows where the Ryncol went.

"Guys!" John yells out. James, Joker and a few of the dancers look up. "Kaidan and I are heading out for some food. Anyone want anything brought back?"

Everyone shouts out at once, desperate for some decent food. When John and I are sure we can remember what everyone wants, they all get back to what they were doing.

"See?" John says. "We're not needed here."

"Then…" I kiss him on the cheek because no one's even looking. "How about that date you promised me?"

"Right this way." He gestures toward the stairs and we head down.

*UCMJ-Uniform Code of Military Justice, the foundation of military law in the United States.