AN: There is some sad stuff in this fic that I hope people will read and enjoy. I tend to see how fics perform on the first chapter before updating these days so any review would be treasured.

This will be following Kurt's storyline

Losing Someone I've Never Had

Chapter One
Is this what you'd call a 'break'?

He didn't know how late it was.

He didn't know how long he had been away from their apartment, and yet, somehow it seemed as if he had been away forever. Kurt took a deep breath as he saw the ferry lights loom above him and felt the cold snap of the wind against his body.

He hadn't meant what he had yelled at Blaine about wanting to take a break from their relationship, he really hadn't, but why was anger such an easy emotion for him to access? Why was he scared of being happy?

He could be very very happy with Blaine, a happiness that he really really wanted, but why was he always challenging the world.

It wasn't courageous at all.

It was stupid.

There was a commotion as the ferry that he was riding seemed to go into the fog, but he ignored it. It was so much better for him if he were just to try to let his mind wander, let the thoughts of NYADA's new semester, or Isabelle's getting him to help out with some of the more editorial pages, or even Rachel's nightly phone call, wash over him and take him to a place of peace.

A place where he could put the fight on hold, just….for…..one….momen—-

—

"Kurt! You up!?" Burt Hummel yelled as he looked at the sports column in the newspaper, he had a plate of bacon and toast in front of him and was trying to figure out which canister to take to work with him.

There wasn't a response.

"Kurt! You're gonna be late!" Burt yelled again, "and for god sake's I'd prefer not to drive you."

Kurt turned in the bed as he heard that noise, he wasn't sure what it was. Or rather, he had a feeling it was his father, but he had no idea what that would mean and he wasn't too sure he wanted to know. He yawned and stretched out, his body felt different. He couldn't stretch as far as before and he didn't understand why.

He looked at his hands, they were his hands, seemed familiar, but they weren't quite the same. A little puffier maybe? Had his body gotten fatter overnight? "Blaine…" he moaned before his eyes widened and he finally looked up at where he was. All of his furniture and posters and clothes were as they had been when he was younger, a lot younger.

It slowly dawned on him, this wasn't even the house that he and Burt had moved into after the wedding. This was the house he had spent years hiding away in, years of not being able to express himself, years of…torture with pee balloons and furniture on the top of the house.

No!

No! No! No!

He gripped to his shirt, a blue pair of pajamas that seemed much too similar to the ones that he had worn in that stupid 'Jump' commercial that Rachel had talked them into and had led to Mr. Schue not being able to take them to Sectionals. He opened the buttons and trembled as he saw the more baby penguin look that he had thought he had traded in for muscles and a body that wanted to have sex.

Rushing up to the vanity, he stared at his face and felt the puffy cheeks, the 'cute' look that often got him picked up. He was happy he had looked like this in the past, but what did it mean now? Did it mean that…

Blaine

His eyes widened and he ran to the kitchen, his eyes wide and his cheeks starting to flush. Right, different body, pre-New York, not as toned. He clung to the door frame, bending over as he tried to take deep breaths in and out. "Dad, Dad, tell me…tell me you know who Blaine is…" he begged.

Burt looked at him confused and suddenly Kurt felt terrified. Was this before he had come out to his Dad? Was this when he was still pretending to be straight? He clutched to his upper arm as his dad studied him.

"What's with those weird questions Kurt and don't you think that you should be getting out of those pajamas? Look kid, I might not agree with all of your clothes or your choice in singers like that Justin Wannawho,"

"Justin Timberlake," Kurt corrected before his eyes widened

And I still say that piñata was a very good likeness.

"Whatever," Burt said, "but I know you're not supposed to be wearing pajamas to school, so get something on and come join me for breakfast." Kurt nodded quickly, why did he do everything quickly at this age. "Is this Blaine guy some author you need the book of?"

"No, he's…I just remembered the name from somewhere," Kurt replied. It was part of a lie at least.

He rushed upstairs and grabbed some clothes out. This was one of the first times that he had put the minimum amount of thought into preparing a matching outfit with some kind of style sense, and he was going to forgo the majority of his shower and wake up ritual because he needed, he needed to find out where Blaine was.

He had a very quick shower, brushed his teeth, combed his hair, and, whilst sitting in his bath robe, used the internet to find Facebook…did it really look that different?

He went to the search bar before writing in the name 'Blaine Anderson'.

He took a deep breath in before seeing something that was very terrifying to him.

Name could not be found

His hands trembled upon the keyboard, tapping the keys as if using up all of his energy would actually lead to him feeling happier. It didn't help. He bowed his head, feeling weak and afraid and lost, this was a dream right? It was all a dream.

He bit his bottom lip and felt pain. He pinched himself, pain. He pinched himself again, pain.

Pain, but not Blaine.

Kurt trembled again, bringing his hands to his face and trying not to cry. He couldn't cry. He couldn't, especially not when he hadn't come out of the closet to his dad who had known since he was three that he was gay.

He needed some air.

He needed some time and some space to breathe.

His glasz eyes widened again and he started a new search, My Space.

He wanted to make a noise of discontentment as he opened the site, did anyone still go on here? He looked at the graphics and the scroll bar, not understanding why anyone would go on here, but he didn't understand why Blaine would never tell him about which school he had been to. He didn't understand why Blaine never wanted to talk to Kurt about that part of his life.

Kurt clicked in the search bar and typed the two words most important to him.

'Blaine Anderson'

Kurt waited for the search to finish and smiled as he saw curly hair and a very young teen wearing wayfarers on his forehead. Kurt smiled as he looked at the picture of his soul mate, the boy that life had waited its sweet time, to help him find. Blaine was wearing a scarf, crimson and gold, but beneath that were bruises.

Kurt looked back into the eyes and saw something only he came to recognize. Fear and pain.

Blaine might have been pretending that he was doing okay, but he wasn't.

A tear slid down Kurt's rounder cheeks as he found out the details of the school and he gripped the computer, 'Carmel High School'.

…..

He had never seen Blaine as part of Vocal Adrenaline.

…..

He heard Burt coming to his room and realized that he would have to leave soon. He stood and got changed, he would have to get something to style his hair with soon and maybe see if he could change his clothes more. Even though he knew it was the past, these clothes felt old and restricting and Kurt hated that feeling.

He left quickly with his school bag (homework put away the night before) and came to the kitchen to have dinner with his father.