TK: I had the strangest bit of inspiration and simply had to get it down on paper. Or Word, as it were. Either way, this is about as crack as it gets. It's KakuzuInoHidan, and it's not a love triangle. It's polyamory. I'm not going for realism here guys; it's crack, so it's not supposed to make sense. There's a lime in there toward the end, but I left out the full lemon since apparently people are going around reporting stories with lemons in them to get them removed.

I haven't written much for the Zombie Brothers yet. I couldn't resist. I actually think Kakuzu is probably one of my favorite Akatsuki members of all time. Hidan is fantastic, too, don't get me wrong. But that miser holds a special place in my heart for some reason. I always like to include him in my stories, even as a side role. Well, no more delays; let's get this show on the road.

Kakuzu has been one of my favorite Akatsuki members for as long as I can remember (and Sasori, of course). Hidan is pretty fantastic, too. And while I generally write about Sakura, Ino is my favorite from the Rookie 9. She's just, a great character. Better than most.

[Companionship is, interestingly enough, what keeps people from going completely over the edge. When the strangest, purest twist of love is added, the bond is unbreakable. HidanInoKakuzu.]

Dangerous

TK Grimm

Dedicated to firefly

(for writing the best stories of Hidan and Kakuzu; your work has inspired this story completely)

-I-

One of the most shocking things about human nature is the subconscious urge for companionship. Despite what anyone says, how alone they claim to prefer being, they (perhaps secretly) desire to be around someone, even if just for a little while. People can lie to those around them, but they can't lie to themselves.

That truth of life can be torturous.

Another interesting fact about companionship is that you can know someone your entire life, but you never actually know them until you live with them. Ironically enough, this can be said another way; you live with someone, and you grow to hate them. But if you live with them long enough, regardless of circumstances…

You grow to love them, even if there's a little hate in there, too.

Perhaps you don't realize at first. Perhaps you even deny it outright that it could ever be true or even possible. But as previously stated – you can lie to others… but you can't lie to yourself. Spending enough time with someone, whether you want it to or not, creates a bond that never truly goes away. Before you know it, you frown when they're sad, you're upset when they're hurt, and you cry when they die.

This is a truth about life that, though most don't realize, is inevitable.

Even if the very people you learn to love are the ones who killed your teacher, your father-like figure. Your sensei.

-II-

The first day Yamanaka Ino was with them, she hated them. She despised every fiber of their being because they were the ones who took her beloved sensei away from her. Hidan and Kakuzu were, undoubtedly, some of the highest on her hate list. And it was because of them that she was most likely never going to see her village again.

When you're given a choice of sacrificing yourself to protect the ones you love, that choice is almost always obvious. Despite the words of those around her, Ino made her choice. It didn't matter that they never saw more than a snob in her. It didn't matter that they all only viewed her as an ignorant blonde with nothing better to think about but her appearance and love life.

It didn't matter that she had suffered the ultimate betrayal from her former best friend, and everyone had taken Sakura's side.

Ino didn't hate Sakura regardless of their once glorious friendship turning into a bitter rivalry. She didn't even mind that it had been lost simply because of some guy. If they were going to lose it, Ino decided, it was better lost over love than something any less insignificant. For what greater cause was there?

No, Ino didn't hate Sakura, even if the two of them barely shared so much as polite conversation when passing each other by in the street.

So when she was given a choice between herself or Sakura, she chose Sakura. As the Hokage's apprentice, Sakura had a lot more going for her. She still had to find that guy who pulled them apart. That guy who stole their friendship and stepped on their love. That guy… who still occupied all of Sakura's thoughts.

So Ino helped them, the infamous Zombie Brothers, as they slowly pulled themselves together. Literally, in Hidan's case. Ino helped them, refusing to tell them something that she refused to ever acknowledge out loud. She would never admit to anyone save herself – only because you cannot lie to yourself – that Sakura was the better healer than her.

She wasn't so sure which would kick the other's ass, though, her or Sakura. Ino could take her. So she thought, anyway.

The memory was ripe within her mind and crystal clear to her eyes. She remembered helping Kakuzu reattach Hidan's limbs one by one. She remembered Hidan's colorful vocabulary as they did so. She remembered Kakuzu's scrutinizing, untrusting gaze.

She remembered her hatred.

-III-

Kakuzu had an obvious distaste of anything expensive. It didn't take Ino long to notice this. The cheap take-out was a tell-tale sign, and even though she knew all that fast food had to be horrible on a shinobi, she didn't think her complaints would be listened to. Regardless, there were a few instances where she accidentally dropped her guard and forgot that she was, in fact, a prisoner to the Zombie Brothers.

"If you hate spending so much, Kakuzu-san," she drawled, "then why didn't you leave me in the Nara forest while you were saving your partner? I am, after all, just added cost."

Kakuzu looked at her, his facial expression unreadable behind his dark mask. "While I won't deny that your whining seems worth its weight in gold as far as annoyance goes, the cost of keeping you healthy isn't as much as we were spending keeping Hidan in one piece."

Ino's jaw dropped. "…You're keeping me around because I save you money on medical shit?" It seemed Hidan's potty mouth didn't take long to rub off on her, either.

He closed his eyes as if trying to block out the outside world. With a stressed sigh, he said, "Yes. Now shut up and eat."

"If you're too good for this shit, I'll eat it," Hidan said, pointing at her barely touched 'meal' with his index finger. Ino turned and continued eating with her back facing him.

-IV-

Ino barely noticed she was falling until her world turned upside-down before her very eyes. The sky was suddenly at eye-level, and her blonde hair swayed through the wind in front of her face. Subconsciously, her shinobi training kicked in, and she grabbed the rocky ledge just before falling to her death.

Breathing heavily, she tried to pull herself up, but lacked the physical strength. Was this really the end?

"Fucking take my hand!" she heard Hidan yell at her. "Stupid woman."

Ino gaped at him. Hidan was leaning over the cliff's edge and reaching out to her, his slicked back silver hair partially falling into his eyes because of his downwards position. She narrowed her eyes at him, her first thoughts imagining him helping her only to let her go a moment later.

Her grip on the ledge loosened. Her strength was failing.

It would have been a waste, she realized, if Hidan were to let her go now. A month after being stuck with them, and they'd obviously seen that her healing abilities weren't really lacking at all. Not to mention, she could hold her own in a fight.

"You're going to fall, you stupid bitch," Hidan warned, his voice low. His patience was thinning.

He was offering to save her because she was useful. Of course. Did she really want to be useful to them, though? Would it be better if she died? What if helping them endangered her friends? Then again, why hadn't Sakura and everyone else come after her?

Ino realized then that she didn't actually want to die. Even if it was a miserable existence with Hidan and Kakuzu, she wanted it. It was still living.

She reached up to grab his hand, and he reached towards her, seeing that she was finally complying. Before they could meet, however, familiar black threads encircled Ino's body and pulled her up without Hidan's help. Ino was suddenly on the ground again, on her knees in front of Hidan. The threads dissipated from her body and disappeared into Kakuzu's Akatsuki robe. She stared at him, lips parted in shock.

All he did was narrow his dual-colored eyes at her. He had nothing to say.

-V-

There really was nothing like it – the way the blade slowly dipped into her skin as though slicing through some sort of fruit. Forbidden fruit, no doubt. A drop of blood emerged, which slowly turned into a steady trickle down her smooth stomach. The way she hung from the chains bolted to the ceiling, the blood dripped off her to form the Circle of Jashin with little to no effort on Hidan's part. It was too easy, every time.

A cute grin there, and a sly comment here, and they always fell into his trap. He was good at what he did – a professional. There was no question as to why his god had granted him immortality. The fact that he actually wished to die was the only thing that made him look at his sacrifice with the tiniest bit of envy.

The door opened, and Hidan whirled around, red scythe poised and ready to attack. He recognized who it was, but did not lower the three-bladed weapon. "Damn it, I told you not to interrupt my ritual!"

His partner, Kakuzu, seemed less than amused. The masked missing-nin walked right past him without so much as a second glance. He didn't seem the least bit perturbed that Hidan carried a massive weapon in his outstretched hand.

Hidan finally lowered his blade, but he didn't let go of it completely. With his free hand, he gripped his rosary tightly, closing his eyes in concentration. He sat in the center of the triangle-circle symbol that had been painted onto the wooden floor with the nameless woman who hung lifelessly from his ceiling. He didn't speak.

Kakuzu sat down in a tattered brown recliner, leaning back and closing his olive green eyes as if to block out all the stress that surrounded him. If he had nothing to do, he actually had a strange sort of appreciation for Hidan's outrageous sacrifices. It gave him a rare moment of something the Jashinist usually never came even remotely close to understanding.

That something was silence.

"Where's the broad?" Hidan suddenly asked, snapping Kakuzu out of his shortl-lived moment of peace.

It took him a while to realize who his religious idiot of a partner was referring to. Kakuzu stood up immediately, anger radiating off of him in waves. How the hell did he forget about Ino? "Hidan," was all he said.

Hidan shifted his violet gaze from the newly sacrificed woman to Kakuzu expectantly waiting for him in the doorway. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath as he got to his feet. There was no helping it. "How the fuck did you lose her anyway?"

"Shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu said with a scowl. They left the motel and retraced Kakuzu's steps. The truth was that Ino had been so quiet in the market, he didn't even notice he lost her.

So when they found the young blonde woman wandering aimlessly through the busy streets, even Hidan and Kakuzu exchanged baffled glances. Ino caught sight of them and stomped up towards them, furious. "How dare you!" she accused, pointing a purple-painted fingernail at Kakuzu. "You left me!"

Kakuzu was, to say the least, perplexed as to why Ino was still there. "You didn't run?" was all he seemed able to say.

Ino's blue-green eyes widened as if the concept of running had only then occurred to her. She quickly shook her head, ridding herself of such delusions, and proceeded to glare at him once more. "Oh, right, like I would have gotten away from the two of you," she snarled.

A wry grin crossed Hidan's face, and he lazily slung an arm around her shoulder, much to the blonde's frustration. She cried out in anger, but it only made him laugh. "You know, Kakuzu, I think she's starting to like us."

"Absolutely not!" Ino retorted viciously. "I hate you! You've taken me from my home-"

"You came willingly-"

"-forced me to heal you-"

"You never complained before…"

"-made me eat that cheap shit-"

"Hey, that one was all Kakuzu, not me."

"-and you dare to suggest I might actually like – oh, will you stop laughing!"

Hidan smirked, switching his gaze from Ino to Kakuzu. "I think I'm starting to be glad we brought her with us. The little bitch is growing on me, Kakuzu."

"And you," Ino went on, raving. "You are by far the most vulgar, tasteless, idiotic-"

"For all your words, kunoichi," Kakuzu said, his voice low as he interrupted her, "you have yet to go through with each of your meager threats. Unless you want to try my patience, I suggest you shut up and return with us."

Ino visibly paled under his olive-green glare, but Hidan didn't seem bothered at all. "Hey, don't lie, Kakuzu!" he laughed boisterously. "You like her, too! Admit it!"

"Be careful, or you will die," Kakuzu muttered, turning away from them to walk back to the motel.

Hidan scowled. "Tch… telling me that?" he grumbled.

-VI-

Hidan, Ino noticed, had a tendency to walk around without a shirt. What bothered her the most was the fact that him being shirtless didn't bother her. However, the last thing she wanted was to give him the wrong idea. As such, she made sure to keep her eyes on anything but him whenever he, as she would word it, paraded himself around whatever motel room they were in. If they were even in a motel room at all. The guy sometimes took off his robe when they had to camp out, too. Nasty.

Ino was by no means shy. Nor was she a stranger to the male anatomy. Granted, that did not mean she had 'been around the block' more times than she could count. It just meant that she didn't blush at the sight of an attractive man like Hinata and Sakura always did.

Ino blushed too, on occasion, but it would take a lot more than a devilishly attractive man blatantly showing off his body to instigate such a response.

Ironically enough, the fact of the matter was that Hidan was not intentionally showing off. He could really care less about putting himself on display, and simply found it more comfortable to lounge around in only a pair of trousers rather than his heavy black cloak.

Ino did know, however, that whatever his reason may be, Kakuzu hated it. Kakuzu hated Hidan, but that was beside the point. Throughout their travels, Hidan seemed to garner the attention of men and women alike for his stunning good looks. Ino, too, gained her share of appreciative glances, but most people looked at Hidan as if the man were some sort of god in human form.

It always put Kakuzu in a bad mood.

And, for whatever reason, Ino didn't like that. Maybe she had some sort of stray complex that made her take in castoffs and help them build their confidence. Granted, she'd never expected Sakura to eventually outshine her, but that was neither here nor there.

"Say, uh, Kakuzu," Ino began. They were walking through the main street of some backwoods village Ino had never heard of with Hidan in the lead and Kakuzu taking up the rear with his usual sour expression. Ino slowed her pace to walk at his side rather than in between the two men.

Kakuzu acknowledged her with a brief glance, but nothing more.

"I was just wondering… do you have any, y'know, ex-wives or girlfriends left behind in, uh," she trailed off, glancing at Kakuzu's ninja headband, "Waterfall?"

Kakuzu's olive-colored eyes narrowed, and Ino started to regret her question. "What does that have to do with anything?"

She held up her hands in a placating gesture. "Nothing, nothing. I was just curious."

"Your curiosity is meaningless." He fixed his gaze straight ahead. Unfortunately for Kakuzu, the person straight ahead was Hidan, and he was still strutting through the village like he owned the place. He shifted his gaze to the side once more and saw Ino. She was still walking beside him, for reasons Kakuzu could not fathom, and she seemed to be mostly at ease.

"I mean, not that I was checking you out or anything, but you've got a pretty nice body under that cloak," she said casually, as if it were no big deal to her at all. "And honestly, I'm kind of an expert in that area, so I should know."

"Holy shit, Ino," said Hidan. For once, he looked completely flabbergasted. "Are you hitting on Kakuzu?"

"What? No. Shut up, Hidan."

Ino didn't look at either of them for the rest of the day, and for their part, Kakuzu and Hidan couldn't seem to stop staring at her.

-VII-

"Ino."

She made a point of ignoring Hidan most of the time.

"Hey, Ino."

That didn't make him any less persistent.

"Ino!"

"What?" she snapped.

Hidan was shirtless (again) and standing nearby in nothing but a loose-fitting pair of trousers that showed off his lean hips. Ino's eyes shamelessly drifted up along the contours of his well-muscled body until they finally landed on his smirking face.

"Just thought you'd like to get in your opinion on my body," he said, his voice laced with amusement. "Y'know, since you're such a fucking expert."

Ino threw a book at him.

-VIII-

If there was one thing Ino would never get used to, it was Kakuzu's thrifty need to make them order cheap food to sustain themselves on. If they didn't hunt it themselves, they went out to eat, and it was pretty much guaranteed to be some hole-in-the-wall shack that probably hadn't passed its safety and health inspection in years.

If that wasn't bad enough, Hidan was so obnoxious it was almost impossible to take him out in public. He tended to make a scene wherever he went, an most of the time, it wasn't even intentional. He was just subconsciously idiotic to the point of putting his foot in his mouth enough times to give fucking Naruto a run for his money.

As such, more often than not, Ino was stuck listening to Hidan and Kakuzu turn what could have been a perfectly acceptable meal into a public scene, complete with other patrons turning their heads, pointing, and whispering. Worse than that, their waiter, a frail man with wide eyes, was quivering nearby looking terrified out of his mind.

"I'm not eating this shit anymore, Kakuzu!" Hidan said adamantly. "I got food poisoning at the last place, and the one before that had a fucking thumb in my soup! I didn't even order soup!"

"Will you keep your voice down, you pig-headed ignoramus?" Kakuzu snarled. "I'm doing this to save money that you keep spending as if it grows on trees!"

"Money does grow on trees, fuckwad! It's paper!"

Ino quickly cut in before either of her male companions could say something that would ruin their situation. "Thank you for the meal," she said. She held out a fair sum of money and added, "Please keep the change."

"Oh, thank you!" the waiter replied. He accepted the money and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Kakuzu whirled around to face her. "Keep the change?" he asked, sounding absurdly outraged over such a paltry sum. "Keep the change?"

Ino rolled her eyes. She was no longer intimidated by either one of them. "Oh, come off it, Kakuzu. That guy was an inch from sounding the nearest alarm on our asses."

Kakuzu made an aggravated sound as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose. This woman was going to be the death of him.

-IX-

As much as Ino liked flowers and helping things grow, she wasn't a big fan of the rain. Mostly because it ruined her hair. It also made her makeup run, but Kakuzu shut down that expense before it even began, so Ino hadn't had makeup in months.

Still, the hair was enough of a reason.

Luckily for her, neither Kakuzu nor Hidan had any intention of traveling through the rain at night, for they stopped and took shelter in a cave somewhere in Earth Country. It was mostly dry, and once Hidan got a fire going, it was surprisingly homey in there.

Until Kakuzu and Hidan started taking off their clothes.

Ino slid backwards until her back hit the cave wall with a startled yelp. "Wh-what the hell are you two doing?"

Hidan gave her a 'duh' stare and said, "Our clothes are wet from the rain. You don't want to sleep in that shit, do you? Hang them up by the fire so they dry."

It made sense, but Ino didn't want to be naked any more than she wanted to see either of them naked. Kakuzu had the decency to keep his pants on at least (they weren't very wet at all, really). He was also wearing his scarf around his neck that hid his mouth, but his brown hair fell down his back, unrestrained by his usual mask.

Hidan, on the other hand, had no fucking shame whatsoever and sat by the fire completely naked.

It wasn't like Ino was a stranger to male anatomy. She'd seen her share of this and that, but this was Hidan and Kakuzu for crying out loud. They were her captors—okay, more like her traveling companions—not quite her friends because she would never, ever, not in a million years, not if she were paid a hundred million ryou, ever admit that she felt fondly about them.

Kakuzu's voice broke her out of those traitorous thoughts. "You will get sick. I'm not paying for medicine."

Ino scoffed, but it was cut short when a shiver ran up her spine. She didn't have a big heavy cloak like those two, and her purple outfit was soaked. She reached for the button by her neck, knowing she risked hypothermia if she didn't get out of her wet clothes.

As soon as she undid the first button, she registered Hidan's lecherous grin, and her scowl deepened. "Fuck off, Hidan."

"Nothing I've never seen before, bitch," he replied easily.

Ino glowered at him and folded her arms across her chest. She would rather freeze than give him the satisfaction.

"Ino," Kakuzu warned.

She frowned at his tone. Kakuzu was slightly less frustrating than Hidan, but considerably scarier to get angry. "I'm fine, okay? I'm not even that wet."

Hidan gave a snort of laughter at the double-meaning Ino's words may have had, and said, "No shit? Maybe she needs a little motivation, Kakuzu."

"Be careful, or you will die," said Kakuzu.

"C'mere, Ino," said Hidan with a smirk. "I bet I can take care of your wetness problem."

"Oh, fuck off, Hidan," Ino repeated, louder this time. "Why don't you find a church and spontaneously combust or something? And Kakuzu, you stingy—" whatever else she might have said was quickly cut off when Kakuzu put his hand over her mouth and held her arm from behind.

"Hidan."

"Don't have to fuckin' ask me twice."

Hidan undid the buttons of Ino's violet blouse while she thrashed against Kakuzu, who held her firmly in place. When Hidan idly stroked the side of Ino's face, she stopped fighting and stared at him with wide eyes.

"Don't you ever get tired of fighting?" he drawled.

Kakuzu lowered his hand from Ino's mouth to stroke down her neck in a surprisingly sensual gesture.

Ino's teal eyes locked with Hidan's. "Never."

Hidan smirked and undid the last button on Ino's short shirt. Kakuzu slowly slid the garment down her arms and tossed it aside. It landed on the ground near the fire.

"I don't usually bother with useless shit like foreplay," Hidan commented. "But I'll make an exception for you." He lowered his head down to her neck and kissed her. His tongue ran lazy circles over her flesh where his teeth occasionally sank in.

Ino shut her eyes tight and let out a small whimper. She felt Kakuzu take a fistful of her long blonde hair and bring it to his nose to slowly inhale her scent. His free hand trailed down her back to reach the clasp of her bra, and he unhooked it with a simple twist of his fingers.

Ino's eyes opened, and she squirmed again. "I'm not your whore."

Hidan snorted, but Kakuzu's deep, gravelly voice sounded behind her, close to her ear. "With the way we're about to treat you, you should be paying us."

"Enjoy the ride, bitch," Hidan said with a grin.

Ino felt Hidan tug on her skirt and pull it down. How long had it been since they stole her away? Months? Years? Did it even matter? All she knew was that those thoughts went bye-bye when Hidan dipped his head down between her legs. She gasped and instinctively tried to push him away, but thin black threads encased her wrists and pulled them back behind her.

"Kakuzu, let me go," she said. She felt Hidan's tongue run along her sex, and her toes curled.

"No."

She felt Kakuzu's lips glide over her jaw while Hidan teased and sucked down low, and Ino lost herself. There would probably be hell to pay, but she would deal with that later. For now, she was an animal, ruled by instincts, and filled with a need that hadn't been sated in far too long.

Ino reached one hand down and pressed it against Hidan's head to push him closer. She brought her other hand up and ensnared her fingers into Kakuzu's dark hair. If they were going to treat her like a queen, then she was going to enjoy every minute of it.

-X-

"Got any sixes?"

"Go fish, Ino."

"…You know we're not actually betting money, Kakuzu."

"…Yes…"

"So you don't have to lie when I ask if you have any sixes."

"…Fine."

Hidan glanced outside while Kakuzu gave Ino his Six of Hearts card. "Looks like the rain is never gonna fucking stop. Oi, Ino—gimme your Jack."

"Go fish," Ino said.

"What!"

"I don't have a Jack, stupid!"

"Damn it…"

If anyone else had stumbled upon their cave to find three S-class missing-nin (well, two and a half, sorta) playing Go Fish together while completely naked, well… they simply wouldn't have lived to tell the tale.

End

TK: So I'm starting a new thing (okay, it's not new, but I haven't done it before and am starting now). I have a discussion topic! I'll put my thoughts on it, and I'd like to hear your thoughts in your reviews.

Today's topic: FFN's No-Smut Policy

Personally, I think it's ludicrous. Writing is a form of art, so why should we not be allowed to express it fully? We have the M/mature filter on FFN, and by default, stories marked M are automatically filtered out unless you say so otherwise in each and every search. The internet isn't [really] a censored thing, y'know? I mean, if you look around long enough, you'll find uncensored anything.

I realize they have that Adult FFN website, but honestly, it's just not as user-friendly. I don't like the interface. And if you look at some of the content on there, it's basically pornography. While I can't complain because even I like to read a little porn every now and then, sometimes you want something tasteful or with an actual plot.

I'm just saying, people should be allowed to put whatever they want on FFN. I think the no smut rule is bogus. But hey, I'd love to hear some of your thoughts and opinions on this, so join the discussion in your review.

Have you had any experiences with the no smut policy being enforced? Any stories taken down? Or are you sick of reading smutty stories and agree with the censoring? Also, what are your thoughts on that group, Critics United, going around reporting stories with sex scenes and getting them removed?