a/n: So, I'm clearly the worst. I know it's been a couple of months since I last updated. I work full time and by the end of the day, I usually just head to bed. That is no excuse! I know I've really left you hanging. I've been plotting in my head exactly where this story is going, and its been a little rocky coming up with something concrete with the whirlwind going on in life right now. I appreciate your patience. I also appreciate all the kind words urging me to continue! Please bear with me as I try to get some writing done. Please continue to write reviews to keep me sharp!

Xoxo

Ember to Ash

Drowning: Part II

Elena's POV

Things were rockier than they had ever been between Damon and I, now that he knew what had happened to me. Days passed, and then weeks, and I didn't get better. I was jumpy, and terrified, and still felt empty, as always. Damon wanted to fix me, in between rages in which he wanted to hunt down and kill Lucas. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about it. Damon thought talking about it would make it go away. Some days were so tense that we had to spend some time apart. Those days were the worst. I wanted things to be good, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get better.

It was Friday, and I got up to get ready for school. I threw on my normal outfit of long sleeves and jeans, careful to keep my scars covered. Ric and Jenna were downstairs, and I heard the shower running in the spare bathroom, which meant Jeremy was in the shower.

I came down the stairs, and said goodbye to Jenna and Ric, heading for the front door. I knew what would be waiting for me outside. Either Damon or Stefan would be waiting by my truck to ride with me to school. It was usually Damon, but some days, I would find Stefan waiting there for me when Damon was out hunting Lucas again. I appreciate Damon fighting for me, but I could tell it was consuming him, exactly as it was consuming me, and I hated myself even more for doing this to him.

Stefan had even enrolled at my school, per Damon's request. Damon looked too old to attend high school, but Stefan enrolled as a Junior to keep an eye on me during school hours. Stefan was doing his brother a favor. He wasn't on protection duty because he cared about me. Stefan hardly ever spoke to me, still. I'd imagined that it was very awkward for him, with me being a clone of the woman he loved. It was nice of him to do, nonetheless, and I was grateful to not have to worry about Lucas finding me alone again.

When I got outside, Damon was there. I approached him, putting my arms around his strong neck. He brushed the hair from my face and kissed my forehead softly. He was beyond gentle with me now. He treated me as if I were as fragile as a porcelain doll, ready to break at any moment. I suppose that I sometimes looked that way, though.

"You look tired." I said to him, after we were in my truck. I didn't have trouble much with anxiety attacks anymore. At least not when it came to being in the car. As much as I missed my parents, it was like my brain only had room for one trauma at a time. My anxiety came at night now, after my ever-present nightmares replaying what happened with Lucas.

"Late night." He responded curtly. I knew that meant he had been out late looking for Lucas.

"I wish you would stop all this. It's making you crazy." I put my hand on his arm, in an attempt to look like I was pulling myself together.

He turned to look at me. "I'm already crazy. This is just what needs to be done."

"Damon..." I couldn't think of anything else to say, so all that came out of my mouth was me saying his name in a quiet voice.

"What, E? What do you want me to do? I'm trying to be what you need, but I can't figure it out." He paused, to calm himself down. "You're pushing me out, and I don't know what to do, Elena. I'm useless."

"Pull over." I instructed. We were both too keyed up to drive.

"No. You'll be late."

"Ric is my first period. He will understand. Pull over."

Damon pulled my truck off the road, and shut off the ignition.

"I can't talk about it, Damon. Not with you. I can see how much it hurts you. I can't do that to you." I said to him, as he looked straight ahead.

Damon dropped his head. "I'm sorry. Its not your fault. I just feel so incredibly useless to you. I see how much you hurt, and there's nothing I can do."

"Its not your job to fix me. I was broken long before you came around. I'm a lost cause. You don't need to apologize." I sat back in the seat.

"What about the cutting? You won't let me in. How is that?" He spoke in a smaller voice any time he brought up my cutting, which was rare. I knew it was awkward for him.

"Its the same. I try to stop, but I can't. I keep thinking I'm going to stop, but I can't." I looked out the window, ashamed.

"Why? I'm trying to be there for you, and help you, but why do you keep going back to that. Does it even help? Something has to give, E. You won't talk, you won't let me touch you, and you shut me out. Why can't you just stop and let me help you?" Damon was flustered.

I was hurt. I knew it was ridiculous. I knew it didn't make sense. I knew it was stupid. I knew it was weak. I knew all of those things, but I still couldn't manage to get out of this mess. My cutting was my constant. It helped, if only for a moment. I was in control of the pain I felt and exactly how much of it. No one was in control of what was happening to my body but me. I felt anger, and sadness, and all the things I couldn't manage before. I wanted to stop, but I couldn't. I tried, for Damon's sake, but I always went back to it. The way Damon was looking at me now, though, killed me. Why can't you just stop? I had asked myself the same question multiple times. I didn't know. All I did know, was that it wasn't that simple.

"I can't just stop, Damon. God knows I've tried. I'm sorry I can't just snap out of it. I know it's a huge buzz kill for you. But no one asked you to stay. You can leave whenever you want. It would be much easier. I suck at communicating, and I'm even worse at dealing with my problems." I was angry, but I didn't know if it was at Damon or at myself. "I want to go to school now."

"God, Elena! Why do you always do this? I'm trying to talk this out and you're shutting me out once again!" He yelled. He hardly ever yelled. At least, not at me.

"Don't yell at me. Take me to school, or get out." I crossed my arms.

Damon started the truck, and sped back onto the road, flinging gravel everywhere. He was stressed, and I was stressed, and the tension in the air was thick. I didn't know what was going to happen to us. I didn't know if we could be saved. Everything about my life was so uncertain at this point. I hoped we could work it out, but Damon deserved better than me. Maybe I was pushing him away on purpose, in an attempt to save him from being dragged down into the pit with me. All I knew was that if it didn't get better soon, I wasn't going to make it.

We pulled into the parking lot, and he dropped me off at the door. He breathed deeply, and looked me in the eye. "I love you, Elena. I just wish you would let me in."

"I know. I wish it were easier. I'm trying." I turned and walked away. Before he drove away, and before I walked in the door, I said "I love you." Loud enough for only him to hear. He sighed, and I knew he heard me. Then he drove away.

I waited outside Ric's classroom until the bell rang, signaling the end of class. I walked in after the students had left, clearly distressed from fighting with Damon.

"Everything okay?" Ric asked.

"It's fine. Damon and I had a fight on the way here. I need you to mark me present for class." I sighed and sat down.

"Sure, but I can't do this all the time. Are things okay between you two?" He asked as he got out his roster to mark me present, even though I missed class.

"Same old thing. Damon wanting me to get better. Me not getting better. Damon wanting me to let him in. Me not letting him in. I'm the worst."

"No you're not. Damon doesn't think that, either. Its just hard on him, not being able to help you. That's all he wants to do. He probably feels like if he understands you better, he will know how to help. I think the thing that both of you need to figure out is that the only person who can help you, Elena, is you." Ric handed me a late slip. "Now get to class." He smiled, and hugged me.

Ric was great. I'm so glad Jenna has him around now. He was also absolutely right. No one could save me from this. That was on me. I just didn't know how.