A warning, this chapter is angst and possibly triggering. I'm sorry I can't point out where to read or stop because the entire chapter has dark tones.

Also, it is set between chapter 219 and 220 of the manga, so it contains major spoilers for people who just watch the anime.

Yips. He should have realised it sooner. He could have done something, but now, now it was too late. After the match everything seemed fine, everybody was sad or angry, but it was normal and Eijun seemed to handle it well. It seemed he had recovered pretty fast, moved on on his dream of becoming the ace, so he didn't think too much about it, he thought he was doing fine without his help. He could also watch that tape to the end, dammit! How was he supposed to know that something was wrong?

To be honest he should have noticed after the first practice game, not after several plus the utter defeat against Yakushi. But he was too busy being the Captain, the catcher, the cleanup and every other responsibility the coach thought he could handle to also be able to be a good boyfriend. He had to prioritise and he prioritised baseball, as always.

So they ended up like that, the coach noticing, Eijun being subbed out with consequent trauma, different training regimen, no contact with the ball, obvious frustration and his unwavering spirit nowhere to be found. Now he was sulking in his room pretending to do homework, books sprawled all around him on the floor, while he was actually doing homework at his desk.

Well, not exactly. He was thinking a lot about what to do next more than the math exercises he had in front of him.

Right now he needed to say something. Something snarky, something stupid and irritating that would get a reaction from his boyfriend. He let his pencil drop and turned around as Eijun mumbled something.

"What?" He noticed the books already piled up, like he was about to go, but it was still early. He had a bad feeling.

"I want to break up."

Five words, fourteen letters, a billion pieces of his heart.

"Pardon?" he snarled. Putting up his usual arrogance and sarcasm was his defence mechanism after all.

"I want to break up." Eijun repeated, his voice stronger, he was determined. "It's your fault. Everything is your fault."

"Excuse me?" he was incredulous.

It was okay to be angry, and it was partly his fault, but breaking up? Why? He hoped he could keep up that façade and not break in front of Eijun.

"That dead ball? You knew I was going to throw it. You wanted me to! You manipulative bastard! You toyed with me, you used me! You made me fall in love with you! All the while you were plotting your master plan to get me out of the games and make your precious Furuya the new ace! You don't even care, do you? I was just a diversion, someone you could fuck, say some nice word to keep me at bay, pretending to care about me and my baseball!"

He didn't see Eijun so fired up since the game against Inashiro, and that was good but directed at him was pretty scary.

Something in his throat prevented him from speaking. He knew that if he could say anything he would beg him not to do it.

Not that he had time to anyway. Eijun stomped out of the room not before the finishing blow, "I'm better off without you."

Like I don't know that, right? He looked at him going, unable to do anything. He looked at the door for several minutes, hoping Eijun would come back, and tell him he made a mistake, he was just frustrated and took it out on the wrong person. But Eijun didn't come.

Red rage washed over him. Rage at himself, because he knew it was going to end like that. He knew growing close to someone meant being hurt.

He kicked the chair to the other end of the room, if it hurt he didn't notice. He wiped everything on his desk away, the lamp was ripped off the socket and crashed on the floor, the books landed with their pages torn. He didn't have enough though. He tore apart the fabric of his pillowcase, undid the bed. He wildly looked around but found nothing else to throw. He took off his glasses and threw them with all his might against the door. He was so sick of them.

He wasn't used to this kind of violent outbursts, it never happened before, but it was also true that he never felt so at loss.

He fell on his hands and knees and started to cry, screaming and sobbing aloud, banging his fists on the floor.

He didn't remember what happened after that, how long he stayed there, how long he cried, if he even moved, until his alarm clock went off. Apparently his phone was spared. He looked around to see the mess he made, but didn't care at all.

He was tempted to go to bed and get some sleep, and stay there forever, but he knew he couldn't. He picked up his glasses to find them broken. He snorted and let them fall again, he had a spare anyway.

His hands trembled while he was getting dressed, his all body actually seemed to tell him to stop, stay in his room, not go out. But he put on his mask of carefree bad boy and exited the room. He knew his eyes were red and bloodshot but he would think of something if someone asked.

Practice was a torture, but he managed to keep his cool. He snapped at a couple of people, but Miyuki Kazuya wasn't known as a nice person, so nobody questioned it.

He couldn't help but look at Furuya differently though. It wasn't his fault, he knew that, and tried to keep it in mind when he scolded him over something he didn't do every time he had to catch one of his pitches. Why did Eijun think he was favouring Furuya? Did he expect him to stand up for him and say something on the line of 'this is the boy I love, so give him the ace number, Kataoka-kantoku!'? He couldn't do that. And even if he wanted to, in the current situation – yips or not – Eijun was no ace. Nor was Kawakami or Furuya himself, actually. They all had a lot to overcome, but considering that Eijun lost his only weapon, Furuya was the only possible choice. He couldn't argue with that.

He was so distracted that he missed Furuya's pitch, fortunately he wore his gear and it didn't do any damage.

"Look what you pitch, would you? You're the ace now, you need to pitch perfectly every time! I thought that was clear enough," he exclaimed angrily. It probably was a good pitch though, he just needed to take it out on someone. "Go to cool off, you're done for today."

Furuya did look at him with a strange look, but didn't say anything and complied. Ono too was staring at him, a reproachful look in his eyes. Kazuya had to restrain himself to snap at him too.

The only good thing of that day was that he didn't have to see Eijun. If he had to face him he was sure he would lose it completely.

When he went back to his room, his heart faltered at the mess. He didn't want to deal with it, but he also wanted to sleep in his bed. He was so tired.

Anyway, he sighed and got himself to work. The glasses were to trash, the lamp needed to be changed, but the socket was fine. The books needed just a heavy weight on them and they would be fine. The pillowcase wasn't a problem, he just replaced it, and he didn't care to make the bed, he let himself fall on it and covered himself.

Considering the day of practice and the sleepless night, he thought he would fall asleep immediately. He wasn't that lucky.

Now that he was calm, he could process everything better. It was stupid on his part to think things with Eijun could work. He knew since a long time he wasn't worth it. He created the illusion things could be different because Eijun was so alive. But Eijun wasn't the problem in their relationship. One could be as much alive, cheerful, amazing as possible, but if the other part was faulty it couldn't be helped.

He knew he couldn't be happy, no matter how hard he tried, it was a waste of time and energy and resulted only in unnecessary pain. Wasn't it proof enough that everybody hated him? Yes, his teammates probably respected, no, tolerated Miyuki the catcher, but evidently hated Kazuya the person. Why wouldn't they, anyway? He was nasty, arrogant, unpleasant, and a manipulative bastard. That was why he didn't have any friend, or anyone who cared enough. They didn't even check on him when he was screaming and crying and turned upside down his room.

Why did the think of being happy with Eijun even cross his mind? It was unfair to Eijun. It was egotistic, and just unmasked him for who he really was. It was inevitable that Eijun would notice it and leave him.

"Stupid, stupid Kazuya!" he murmured, pressing his hands on his eyes, causing sparkles under his eyelids. It didn't prevent him from starting to cry quietly.

You're worthless. You don't deserve to be happy. You're nothing. His thoughts sounded suspiciously like Eijun's voice. You're not even that good at baseball, you just pretend to be. You're just toying with yourself just like you toy with everybody else. Everyone is better off without you, especially Eijun.

He couldn't stop sobbing, but he didn't care. There was no one who could see him, no one who cared to see him. He just let his tears fall, unable to stop, unwilling to stop.

"Oi, Captain," Kuramochi never cared if he was busy – pretending to be – or not, and he was sure what he wanted to discuss now, "What are you going to do about it?"

"About what?" he answered distracted. He didn't even look at him.

"Sawamura, duh!" Here it was, the elephant in the room. "He's moping in our room. Do something about it."

"Why should I?"

"Because you two..." he let the rest untold but it was clear enough. The bastard was observant after all.

"Well, why should I?" he repeated, more bitter, "It's not like I care. Anyway, shouldn't you be worried about the batting line up?"

"I know that!" his tone raised, some of their classmates was staring. "We need him! He's the mood-maker of the team, and if you screwed him up..." he struggled to keep his tone down.

"Do you mean literally!?" he hinted, a sly grin on his lips. He was so good at this. Oh, that disgusted look on Kuramochi's eyes was priceless.

"Miyuki," he threatened him.

"Listen, I get that he his important to the team. But things were clear when we started it. No attachment. It was just for fun, just to kill time and enjoy each other. Just sex. He knew that. Lately things weren't so great, I sensed he was growing affectionate. I confronted him, and we peacefully ceased every activity," he explained, grinning even more because Kuramochi expected him to, "I never wanted a relationship, if he expected me to wipe his nose whenever he cried, or to hold his hand and be all lovey–dovey, he was wrong. He's hot, I wanted to fuck him and I did. Now it was getting boring so I stopped. That's it." he hated himself for saying those things, but he managed to keep his smirk on his lips and sound as shallow as they thought he was.

The disgust in Kuramochi's eyes became hatred, just as he wanted. "You're a bastard..." he commented losing the fighting spirit that animated him just a moment before.

Kazuya got up, put a hand on Kuramochi shoulder, which was immediately smacked away, and sighed. "If he's going to be destroyed by the yips, it'll be my problem. I know that."

"What the hell does it even mean!"

He laughed and walked away, without answering. He hoped Kuramochi would leave him alone from now on, he had already too many things to think about without him pestering with that situation again.

He hoped he could get some sleep that night. Two restless nights were too much. If he had to endure another one he would probably faint on the field, or fall asleep in his crouching position catching the ball with his drooling face. That was a sight he wanted to see. Miyuki Kazuya falling from his pedestal, losing all his glory. Apparently whoever was out there was of the same opinion because he couldn't stop thinking about the dead expression on Eijun's eyes at dinner, lunch, breakfast. He had very little sleep that night, and the night after and the one after that.

On the other hand, it took Eijun a week to get over him. He saw him gradually lifting his head while running – not that he looked or anything – he could almost see his thoughts. I did the right thing. I feel so well without him. Now I can be happy. I'm not even gay. That stupid Miyuki can't do me any harm.

And so he had to deal with having him back in practice, even though it was just outfield.

While Eijun was getting better he felt he was dying inside bit by bit. When the coach called him in the bullpen, he didn't know how he could stand that. Having Eijun so close but so far. He knew he had to get along with him for the sake of the team. He knew he had to forget his feelings, because it was useless continuing to dwell on the hope he would change his mind.

He was so tired. So so tired. "Nice ball," he said, his voice sounded alien to him. How could he sound so cheerful?

He just wanted a good night of dreamless sleep, no, maybe an eternity. Yes, an eternity of sleep was exactly what he needed. Not the canned coffee he was about to get from the vending machine that night. That is if his phone didn't beep right there and then.

[From: Tokugawa Chris]

[I've talked to the coach. I'll see what I can do.]

What the hell did that even mean? Why Chris-senpai was texting him? He had the worst of feelings, chills ran down his spine. He checked, just to be sure, if he sent something to him. It seemed like he did. That first night he still didn't even remember.

"Someone please kill me," he exclaimed, pressing his forehead against the vending machine, maybe the drinks would take pity on him and stop his suffering.

"Miyuki-senpai?" Or maybe Kominato-otouto would. He preferred the vending machine though.

"Kominato..." what was he supposed to say? Nice weather, huh? No I don't really want to die, don't worry and don't tell Eijun.

"Are you alright? If... If you need change, I can help..." So so naive, Kominato.

"No, thanks. I just need a coffee and I'll be fine," he answered and finally pressed the button to get the so delayed coffee. "See!? Goodnight, Kominato."

He motioned away, he didn't want to stay there, to chitchat with a guy he never talked to before and in addition was linked so closely to Eijun. He should have known by now that fate was against him.

"You sure you're alright, senpai?" Kominato was blushing, and in another moment he could have thought he was cute, but not now.

"Not a worry in the world!" he laughed, but it didn't sound genuine even to him.

"Sorry if I say that but you look tired," Kominato shrugged, drinking his juice. In that moment he looked exactly like his brother, sneaky, plotting world domination.

"Do you need something, Kominato?" But the point was, he wasn't his older brother, he was his kohai, and he didn't want people to mess with him right now.

"Well, you should do something..."

"Oh man, not you too..." he rolled his eyes. How did he even know about this? "I don't know what do you expect me to do. I don't have a magic wand that fixes everyone's problems."

"Maybe you could fix the problems you caused, though..." Well, that was bold, it ran in the family apparently.

"Or maybe you could start minding your own business." he retorted.

"Eijun's my best friend!" It was rare hearing Kominato raise his voice and took him by surprise.

That's probably why he said what he said next. "Eijun dumped me!" shit, he said it out loud. Shit, shit, shit.

The horror on Kominato's face confirmed he really said it. And also probably confirmed that the burning tears in his eyes were visible from the outside, "So now, let me drink this damn coffee, and let me get back to the umpteenth sleepless night. Thank you very much!" he screamed again, trying to sound angry and mask the effect his confession had on him, and completely failing.

"I'm sorry," the other whispered and had the decency of looking flustered.

"You'd better be," was the bitter remark he managed to say. And he was seriously about to leave, but what Kominato said next stopped him short.

"You can still do something..."

"And why the hell should I?" he snapped, now getting angry for real. "He dumped me but I'm the one who should seek out? Why? I don't get it, enlighten me."

"Because you would regret it..." Kominato said tentatively, probably scared by his outburst.

He took advantage of that. "You will regret saying anything about this conversation to anyone. 'S that clear?" he threatened, and left, a bitter taste in his mouth not caused by the sip of coffee he had.

Stupid Kominato and his shyness.

He did regret it though.

He had to push back his feelings every single day. He had to see him growing as a pitcher and as a person without being by his side. He had to be friendly, with the ache to touch him always tempting him. Always threatening to break him. He had to look when Chris–senpai came and helped him like he couldn't.

With time the pain became an ache. His heart always skipped a beat whenever Eijun talked to him. A part of him never stopped hoping for something more – that same part that in the dead of the night sometimes couldn't help but crying – but he knew he couldn't rely on that.

He got over him. He resigned himself to being teammates, maybe just a little more. They formed a good battery in the end. The baseball he played with Eijun was the best baseball he ever played, and probably ever will. He wasn't happy, he finally understood he could never be, but it was enough. He was enjoying his high school years, he had fallen in love, and no matter how it ended that was a feeling he didn't want to forget.

When the time of his graduation came, he was hit by the realisation of how things had really been. Yes, he knew he couldn't be happy, he knew he didn't deserve it, he knew they formed the best battery ever, but not fighting for him was going to be his biggest regret.

"Sawamura," he called him one day in the middle of a desert corridor.

They'd reverted to family names when they started to work together again.

"Oh, Miyuki..." he laughed nervously looking around. They weren't used to be alone anymore. A pang of pain tugged at his stomach.

"I've talked to the coach," he said flatly, "He agreed to make you Captain when I'm gone."

Apparently that shocked Eijun. Wasn't it obvious that he was going to be the new Captain? Wasn't it obvious that he was the sunshine of the team? Of his life?

"Why me?"

"You're the driving force of this team. Keep that up and you won't have a problem," despite himself, he smiled, "You'll be perfect," he added before he could stop himself. He hated the sweet, revealing tone he used.

Eijun was too stunned to notice anyway. "I— I don't—" he was speechless, and Kazuya couldn't help but find it hilarious. Or maybe it was just his nerves.

"I still don't understand why!" Eijun managed to say.

It took him aback, "Why not?"

"I— I t–thought you despised me..." he awkwardly rubbed the back of his head.

Despise him? He felt emptied. Like a hollow shell. And so so sad. How did he end up like that? How did he end up deceiving himself that he was fine?

"Why?" the strangled sound that came out of his mouth didn't resemble a word.

"Because of what happened between us..." his voice was steady, and the resolute look on his face told Kazuya all he needed to know. Eijun didn't regret it. He still thought he worked against him, he let him go through hell, sat back and watched.

"Why would I?" he brought himself to ask ironically, "You did the right thing." What else could he say? Look, you got it wrong, I always loved you. Let's just forget everything and get back together. He wasn't going to humiliate himself when it was clear that Eijun didn't feel the same.

His lips trembled when he tried to smile. "So, congratulations, Captain."

He didn't wait for an answer, if he stayed there another second he would shatter into pieces again.

He had failed. He hadn't got over him, just pushed down his feelings every time they tried to resurface. He couldn't fight for himself, much less tell him he still loved him. He couldn't admit to himself that Eijun never wanted him.

He was falling into a black void. He couldn't slow down. It was strange but he didn't dread the moment he hit the ground. He almost wanted it.

He woke up with a start, sweating. He was breathing hard, panting. He looked wildly around in the dark, not sure where he was. It took him a couple of seconds to realise. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them, the forehead pressing on them.

"It's been a dream, it's been a dream," he whispered trying to calm himself. His voice choked on the tears running uncontrollable down his cheeks. It had been a dream, right? Or was it a memory? It felt so real. Several minutes after, completely awake, he could process it and understand where the dream started and reality stopped.

When finally he stopped crying, he took his phone to check the date. The sense of relief that washed over him was overwhelming. Nothing happened. He just talked to Kominato. He wasn't graduating, he still had a chance.

Before he knew he was driven out of the room by an urge of doing something, he didn't even bother to put his glasses on. He was about to bang at Eijun's door when he came to his mind and realise it was night. He tried the doorknob and found the door unlocked, so he slid in, leaving it open to get some light and tentatively ventured to Eijun's bed.

He put a hand on Eijun's mouth and a finger on his lips, "Come with me," he whispered.

Eijun's eyes opened wide and he tried to struggle before recognising him. Kazuya thought he saw a flash of anger in the other's eyes. "Please," he added and it sounded more like a sob than a plea.

He walked out, hoping for Eijun to follow him. He didn't realised he started to count until he arrived at twelve and was hyperventilating. Why wasn't he coming out? Did he fell back asleep? Was it okay to go inside once more?

"C'mon, Eijun," he mumbled, shifting from foot to foot.

He was about to get in again when Eijun exited, yawning. "What do you want?" he spat. So he didn't imagine the anger.

He decided not to answer right away, he didn't actually make a plan. He started walking away from the dorms, partly not to wake the others and partly so he wouldn't be humiliated in front of them when Eijun started to yell at him.

"What do you want?" Eijun repeated, louder.

"Just wait a sec..." he answered nervously.

He stopped close to one of the fields, where they were hidden, but there was light enough to see each other – well, not that he could really see without glasses.

"What do you— Wait, where are you glasses?"

"I left them in my room," he laughed hysterically. His heart was beating too fast, he had no idea of what to say, but he knew he had to say something.

"How you didn't trip over your own feet is a mystery," Eijun murmured and blushed, and then assumed again that angry look.

"Listen," he started but then he stopped. What was he suppose to say? His head was spinning, "I'm sorry..." probably a good start, "Listen," he already said that. He needed to go on or Eijun would turn his back and go away, "About what happened, I'm sorry" he saw that his hands were trembling and he hid them in the pockets...he didn't have because he was wearing his boxer briefs. He looked bewildered at Eijun who had arched an eyebrow and was staring at him. Pathetic, he was pathetic. "The game against Inashiro, it was my fault. Yakushi too. But I swear, Eijun, I swear, I didn't want you to throw that dead ball, I didn't know you were going to," he sounded desperate to his own ears. He didn't leave Eijun the time to answer, though, "I wanted to win, and I asked too much from you. I misjudged the situation... And against Yakushi, I wanted to prove that I could be a good Captain, that I could have a good team even without the third years.." Why all that mattered anyway? It wasn't what he wanted to say.

"Kazuya—"

"No, no! Let me speak! Let me speak!" he was going insane. What did he have to say so importantly? His mind was blank. He looked at Eijun and shook his head. "Not enough sleep," he murmured to himself, his hands in his hair pulling it.

"Kazuya, you seem a bit off. Why don't you just breath and calm down?" Eijun took a step closer, he held out a hand but then retracted it. Did it disgust him, to touch him?

"I don't want you to go..." his voice spoke.

"I won't. I'll listen, promise." Eijun's voice was sweet, soothing. The voice he loved, the voice that saved him.

His legs gave in, he fell on the ground. So his all body was shaking, not just his hands. "I don't want to regret it," he finally said, going to the point.

"Regret what?" Eijun crouched down to be at the same eye level.

"Not fighting for you," he exhaled, "I know! I know!" he exclaimed even though the other didn't say anything, "You're far far better off without me, but I had a dream, I was graduating and you were still mad at me and I couldn't bear it!" he added in a rush.

Eijun sighed. "I'm not mad. I know you didn't want to hurt me..." he mumbled.

"What?" Kazuya looked up at him, surprised.

"I was too ashamed to come to you." Was it still a dream? Was he still sleeping? It was impossible he heard it right. "And you looked fine, so I thought you were over it..."

"Over it?" his voice higher than usual.

"Yes, I'm sorry..."

"Over it? Over it!? I almost punched Kominato tonight! That's how much I'm over it!" he exclaimed, incredulous, but not angry. He was relieved.

"What!?"

"I had six hours of sleep in the last seven days! That's how much!" he continued.

"What!?" Eijun sounded even more surprised – and possibly horrified – but Kazuya was too out of his mind to really notice anything.

"Yeah, it's true..." he just answered. Now he was feeling drained. He was still doubtful about all the situation, he was still afraid he would wake up to his misery.

"Kazuya..." he loved hearing his name, but didn't like the pitiful note in Eijun's voice.

"Are we good?" he asked before he could think. He dreaded the answer, but he needed it, "Do you still want me?"

"Yes, yes I do." Eijun hugged him and it was like he came back to life. He felt the cold inside him dissipate and a ray of hope shining a bit brighter because maybe things were going to be okay after all.

"Let's go back to your room, now," Eijun helped him up after a while, "I'm sure tonight you'll be able to sleep, and tomorrow you'll call in sick so you can continue to."

"I can't, I'm the Captain," he tried to protest.

"You will, or I'll punch you so hard you'll get a broken rib or something," he reached for his hand and laced their fingers together.

"A rib? Why a rib?" he found himself laughing a bit. It was amazing what Eijun could do to him.

"Because your chest is larger than your face and I'm not very good at punching!" Eijun exclaimed and affectionately bumped into his shoulder.

"Idiot," he said and found he missed calling him names. He actually missed everything.

"Yours."

So this is it, the end. You don't know how much I enjoyed writing this fic, in particular this chapter. I actually love it, even if it's angsty and all. I hope you liked at least a little!

I want to thank everyone, this fic meant a lot to me. For years I wasn't able to write a single word, and then Daiya happened and here I am! And reading all your comments made me really happy. So thank you!

I want to write more, and maybe I'll write something else related to this, I don't know yet!

Thanks again guys!

Oh, and I'm kind of sorry for that last hint about Miyuki, but it was too good an opportunity to pass it.