Too Much Rain
by Trish
([email protected])
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Trish is very sorry she took so long updating!! =( To read the VERY legitimate excuses, please check her profile page.
But really. I'm sorry. A few readers expressed interest in this story and it made me really happy (but confused... you actually LIKE this!?). So I'm going to try to work harder on this. I've already mapped out what's going to happen in the rest of the story.
And for all those who were wondering: This IS a Tsukushi x Doumyouji fic. I just stuck Rui in there. I don't know why. 'Cause he's a trifling weirdo and I love him. =D
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FOUR
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To the students of Eitoku, she was Doumyouji Tsukasa's poor, tough girlfriend. She was-- as a famous model who will go nameless, put it-- "Jeanne D'Arc". She fought back, despite overwhelming opposition, and she always, always got the torch. Bullied, attacked, kidnapped, nearly killed and raped... But she always survived because she had that infamous Binbou blood in her. She was someone the students pitied, despised, envied, looked down on, and admired.
To the teachers of Eitoku, she was something else, something much less complicated.
She was an excellent student.
Regardless of whether or not she studied, she always got good test grades. Her work was neat and immaculate; above par. Her mind was quick and sharp. If it weren't for her frequent absences and tendency to block out the entire world in favor or her personal problems, she would have been the perfect example of academic excellence.
Most of the other kids in class were stuck up snobs who couldn't formulate a thought outside their million yen Eisai tutoring. For an educator who spent years of college with dreams of bright and eager students, Eitoku was a barren dessert, and she was the single flower that was able to survive there.
So, that dark rainy afternoon, while Makino Tsukushi stared out the window, ignoring the lecture, sighing heavily, and looking generally depressed, the teacher of second year Japanese history, found yet another reason to hate Doumyouji Tsukasa.
He was, after all, the most active contributor to her pesonal problems. So whatever must have been bothering the girl now was, most likely, his doing. 'Yes', the man thought vehemently, 'This is all his fault.'
# # #
'This is all my fault.'
It was raining hard. 'Rain' wasn't a befitting description. It was POURING. It was like the sky was emptying out buckets of water over the earth, one after another. She couldn't hear the sound of it, because Eitoku windows were made of thick, glass. And the teacher was droning on and on up at the front of the room about the Meiji Era.
She would usually be all over that, but she just wasn't in the mood today. All she could think about was Doumyouji and the way he looked at her and the way he spoke to her. The leak problem didn't bother her anymore. Or, it bothered her less. Now she was more concerned about her boyfriend and their always-rocky relationship.
He was mad at her, and even though she didn't like admitting it, she knew he had every right to be.
'It's all my fault.'
She wanted to make up with him but she knew she couldn't. She didn't have the courage. Sure, she'd braved an entire school of twisted rich brats, the vastly feared and respected F4, a group of revenge-bent kidnappers, even the Wicked Witch herself, Doumyouji Kaede, but it was different this time.
This was the boy she loved.
He would want to know why. Why was she so obsessed with doing things on her own, being ultra independant, not needing anyone, but wanting to take care of everyone? And she could tell him some of it. She could tell him the things she knew: she was afraid Susumu was losing his childhood, she had to be the provider for the family in place of her idiot father, it was embarrasing to have to need help all the time, it was just in her nature to be self-sufficient... But there were other things... There were things she couldn't tell him about herself because she didn't know them, and the reason she didn't know them was because she never allowed herself to confront them. They were parts of herself she was afraid of facing: her failures, her weakness, the fact that she really didn't trust anyone-
'No!' she snapped a lid tightly on that thought, and made sure it was pushed to the far corners of her mind where she wouldn't be able to touch it; where she wouldn't even be able to acknowledge it was there. 'I trust people. I do. I trust Tsukasa. I just don't need his money or his pity.'
But, she had to admit, she needed him. Just for him. And she missed him. They'd been seperated for only days and she felt like a part of her was missing.
Some people might have called that a weakness. She was so dependant on seeing him all the time, that when he wasn't around she was despondent, depressed, unhappy... And if that was true, than Tsukushi supposed being with Doumyouji WAS a hindrance. But it was the one hindrance she wanted to hang on to.
He made her smile and laugh, and he showed her wonderful things, things not always bought with his parents' money. He made her heart race, and her soul glide... And she was always herself with him. Back in junior high she'd rejected each boy that came calling because she didn't want to lose a friend; she didn't want to force herself to be a girl she wasn't. But with Doumyouji she could still be her loud, opinionated, tomboyish-self.
If she'd ever lost Tsukasa, she'd lose a part of herself too; a part she couldn't ever get back. So instead of denying herself of him, because she would be devestated if she lost him, she just resolved never to let him go. Nobody would tear them apart. Not a plucky arranged fiancee, a trio of dimwitted snobs, an alleged cousin\twin, a marble-eyed taciturn, a plastic surgery poster girl... Not even an evil, diabolical, crazed lunatic who had the gall to call herself a mother.
And especially not herself; stupid and stubborn and afraid of something she didn't know.
'But', she wondered, 'What the hell am I gonna do now?'
'Tsukasa, I'm sorry. Don't give up on me, okay?'
Longingly, she stretched out her arm to touch the window pane, almost as if he were standing on the other side of it.
It was raining, but all she saw was him.
# # #
'I'm gonna go home and empty the buckets, then I'm gonna go to Tsukasa's house,' she told herself, resolutely, 'I'm gonna apologize and we're going to have a nice, civilized conversation.'
The thought made her happy but a little bit nervous. She was happy because she was finally going to spend time with him, but she was nervous because she'd decided that that time would be spent talking about 'the thing' she was not particularly looking forward to talking about. But it wasn't fair that she was keeping secrets from him (and, in some respect, herself). And sooner or later she would have to pull open that lid and let those ugly aspects of Tsukushi out. She couldn't keep them hidden forever, and the longer she kept them festering in the dark corners of her mind, the nastier they would be when she finally let them out.
There were other reasons for her trepidation. Tsukasa had gone through an awful lot to win her over. What if he finally realized she wasn't worth it? Part of the reason she suspected he fought so hard for her was because of his innate stubbornness. There was nothing Doumyouji Tsukasa couldn't have. Now that they were finally together, she worried he might realize it was never HER he really wanted at all. It was the idea of her: a strong-willed, rebellious girl who was initially uninterested in him. Tsukushi didn't want to be used or 'conquered'. More than that, she didn't want to be broken hearted.
And if that wasn't true, what if he reacted badly to her 'ugly hidden side'? Afterall, SHE hated it. Why wouldn't he?
'No, stop doubting him, Tsukushi!' she snapped at herself, viciously, 'You love Tsukasa. You 'ought to believe in him too.' She gripped the handle of her umbrella tightly, ashamed of her overwhelming thoughts of doubt. 'Everything'll be alright.'
It felt strange that she would be going to the Doumyouji house. For such a long time that house had been a place of fear and dread; a place that reminded her of her unfortunate social status. Even when she was invited, she still felt like an outsider.
But lately, things had changed. The maids called her by name and smiled brightly at her, instead of keeping grim countenances, leading her wherever they were instructed to, and only referring to her as "Miss". Tama always groused about how she was a stupid girl, but would lovingly add that Bocchan was a stupid BOY, and she wanted nothing more than to see them together. And Tsubaki: loud, aggressive, fearless, Tsubaki who was like everyone's older sister, was a woman whom Tsukushi admired and very much wanted to be like. The most important thing about that house, she thought, was the resident Young Master and the memories she'd shared with him there: scaling the walls so she could sneak into his room, playing cards late into the night, listening to his love confession after he bandaged up her wounds... The Doumyouji mansion could never be home, but with all those people and memories and events, it became less of a place to be afraid of.
Tsukushi was nearing her apartment. She just had to round a corner and there her eyesore, nearly-dilapidated house would be. She never looked forward to seeing it. It was, after all, far from awe-inspiring, especially after all the things she'd seen in her two years at Eitoku.
"Tsukushi."
At the sound of her name, she looked up, froze in shock, and nearly dropped her umbrella.
Standing there in front of her house was one of the most gorgeous things Eitoku had ever given her the pleasure of seeing-- not that she'd ever say so out loud.
It was Doumyouji Tsukasa.
He didn't have an umbrella, so he was soaked head to toe, his designer clothes sticking to his body. His usually curly hair was straight and nearly reached his chin. Even drenched from the rain, he looked handsome.
But in front of her ranshackle apartment, he looked out of place. It was that thought that broke her out of her lovesick stupor. For a moment she was actually imagining him like he was one of those boys in shoujo manga: lake-eyed and surrounded by flowers.
"Tsukasa..." she breathed, her voice trembling with emotion.
He replied with his typical greeting, "Yo."
For a moment, nothing happened. He looked at her with his serious, dark eyes, and she looked back at him, with her heart swelling up so large she was afraid she didn't have enough space in her ribcage to accommodate it.
They stood only a few feet apart. The rain was pounding fiercely.
After that elongated moment, they both realized that something had to be said.
"Tsukasa," she started, "What are you doing standing in the rain?" her tone was scolding, "Idiot. Here, take my umbrella."
He pushed the hand offering the umbrella away, "You're the idiot," he retorted, "I'm already wet. It wouldn't do me any good. You keep it. I don't want you to get sick."
"What about you?"
He didn't answer at first, and when he did, he said, "I don't care about myself as much as I care about you."
The old Tsukushi would have told him to shut up, to not tell her ridiculous lies. But this Tsukushi, who was a little bit older and wiser and in love, only answered with a blush, and a "Thank you".
Doumyouji did his best not to blush in return. "So are you going to invite me in or what? It's raining like hell out here."
Her face flushed redder than before, and indignantly she shot back, "No! What the hell are you asking me? You know I have leaks! And you're just going to insult me about them."
"That's probably true," he nodded in agreement, "But it's cold and it's raining."
She wasn't moved. She knew the real reason he wanted to go inside was so they could talk, and she'd suddenly lost her nerve, "Yeah, well, you need to learn to toughen up Bocchan. This rain's nothing. In other parts of the world-"
"Tsukushi," he interrupted, "Shut up, would you?" With that said, he strolled past her, making his way up the creaky stairs and into her apartment...
... which for some reason he had the key for.
She decided not to ask about it, because she kind of already knew the how and the why. And after months of dating him, she realized it would have been unlike him if he DIDN'T pull something bizzare and scary like this.
Tsukushi jogged up the stairs after him, being careful because the steps were slippery with rain water. When she finally caught up with him, he was standing a foot inside the apartment, staring at the many water-filled buckets. He looked like he was in pain, and it took a moment or two for Tsukushi to realize that he was trying to keep from laughing.
'Well, at least he's considerate', she thought, humorlessly.
"You see, Tsukasa, you see why I didn't want you to know about this? It's embarrassing," she told him.
"You wouldn't mind Rui seeing this, then?"
She made a face. Why was he always bringing up Rui? Rui was not the problem. "Hanazawa Rui never would have come here," she answered confidently. Then, memories suddenly came to her of the taciturn sending her furniture, following her to New York, and making several attempts to sock his bestfriend on her behalf. "Okay... Maybe that's not entirely true..." she stood there mulling over it until Doumyouji was suddenly in her face, yelling at her.
"Hey! Snap out of it, would you!?"
"Eh? Oh, sorry. Well, maybe I was just hoping he wouldn't have come over. He's kind of unpredictable, you know."
Tsukasa made an unidentifiable sound of agreement, "You're telling me."
"Anyway, let's not bring Hanazawa Rui into this. This has nothing to do with him."
Doumyouji was staring at her, expressionless, "What has 'nothing to do with him'?"
"You know," she was starting to get annoyed, and it took massive amounts of willpower to keep those feelings curbed, "The reason you're here now."
"What do you know about what I'm doing here now?" he questioned, cryptically.
Tsukushi looked about ready to pop a blood vessel, "Hey, halfwit! Cut the crap, would you? You came here expecting an apology and I've got one! But if you keep acting like that I might just have to throw you out on your ass!"
He didn't get mad like most people would have. Calmly, and somewhat pleased, he asked her, "You were going to apologize to me?" At her growl, he lifted his hands in defense, "Hey, calm down, would you? Actually, I didn't come here for that, although I'm not at all against it," his smile was half sad, "I just wanted to see you. Even if we only half-make up, that's better than staying mad at each other. I DO want to know why you're shutting me out, but I'll wait until you're ready to talk about it."
When he was sweet like this, she didn't know what to do. She usually acted on some bizzare, lovesick impulse. She would ignore her fears and doubts and jump head in, so that she could keep pace with his strength and bravery.
"Well... How about now?" she offered, her voice heavy with anxiety.
# # #
"Last week, I had a dream," she began. They were squeezed together tightly in the one dry corner of the apartment. Their knees were touching, and for once she wasn't allowed to start screeching at him about it because it wasn't his fault (although one could make the argument it never was his fault, she was just paranoid).
"A dirty dream?" he teased, with a sleazy look on his face. "Was I in it?"
She scowled at him, "It wasn't a dirty dream, you freak! And since when did you turn into Nishikado?"
"Sorry."
She didn't reply to that, but she continued on with her narrative, a frown still marring her face "It was a dream about something that happened when I was really young. I nearly forgot about it, it was such a long time ago. I think..." she shook her head, "I KNOW that this was one of the things that made me the way I am now. I must have been five or something, and my family's financial problems were really starting to get bad."
Tsukushi's eyes glazed over with sadness. Her voice dropped lower, "Mama took me aside and told me that Papa had screwed up again and wasn't getting that raise we all needed him to get. She also said some other things..." she looked distressed, and Doumyouji moved to hold her, but she waved him off. "She said... Well I don't really remember what words exactly, but the general feeling was that my Dad was a complete loser."
"Che," Doumyouji scoffed, "Your father IS a complete loser. How could you not have already known that? Were you an idiot as a kid?"
This time, she didn't bother to snap at him. She just gave him a positively hateful glare and within seconds he was contrite.
"Sorry," he said again.
"Do you really think that that's something a kid should be told when they're five? I mean, geez, Tsukasa. When you're that young the only thing you have IS your parents. What are you supposed to do when you find out one of them is completely useless and is actually dragging the family down?" she let out a long sigh, "Maybe you don't get it 'cause your dad IS somebody. But... when you're young don't you think you should be allowed to believe in things?"
Doumyouji didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He didn't understand why this was such a big deal to her. In his perspective, parents weren't that important. They were the ones who made sure that the bank account was always filled with money. They were the ones who came home once or twice in a year and told you to look good in front of the world. If his mother ever spoke ill of his father, then he wouldn't care much. It was their problem. The ones who'd raised him were Tsubaki and Tama, and he never had to worry about either of them being a loser or undependable.
"I was so disillusioned," he heard her murmur. She wrapped her arms around her legs and leaned her chin on her knees, "My father was the person I loved and trusted the most, and here my mother was, telling me that I was a fool for believing in him. Not only that," Tsukushi's laugh was sardonic, "She told me that I shouldn't believe in or depend on ANYONE. That I should get by only by trusting myself."
Okay, now THAT was just wrong. "That's bullshit," Doumyouji spat, "Even a 'rich brat' like me knows that."
"Hey, I was only a kid!" she said in her defense, "Kids are impressionable, you know! Besides... After she told me that, I started to take notice of things more, and I realized that what she said wasn't without it's merit. My dad is..." she trailed off, not sure what word to use for the man that had brought her up her whole life.
"A loser?" Doumyouji supplied, in a manner he thought was helpful.
"Unreliable." she corrected. "And my mom's no better. If she sees me talking to anyone even remotely rich, she's already writing my wedding vows for me. That woman seriously just does NOT want to work."
"You have a weird family," he commented.
"Look who's talking, Sister Complex." He gave her a mean look for that one.
"But anyway, that's the story. I guess it's not really all that traumatic or extraordinary but there it is. I don't trust anybody. No matter how much I like or love someone, I keep thinking they'll fail me or sell me up the river." she tried to make it sound casual, like it was no big deal, but he could hear fear in her tone.
"By that I guess you mean... me?"
At first she said nothing. She wouldn't even look him in the eye.
He nudged her with his shoulder. "Oi. Tsukushi. Don't suddenly decide you're not a loud mouth."
"It's not that I don't want to trust you," she tried to explain, "I really do love you and you've done so much for me... But I... Since we first started going out, I've..." and she bit her lip hard and screwed her eyes shut, "I've always felt that it wouldn't last."
Since she still refused to look at him, she didn't see the expression of sadness wash over his face. But she had a feeling it was there. How could someone stand to hear that from the person they loved and not feel bad?
"It's not you Tsukasa. It's me. I have this stupid, stupid thing where I don't depend on anyone or ask them for help... I think everything's temporary. I don't want to need anyone 'cause I think they'll fail me or they'll abandon me just when I really need them."
Her boyfriend still hadn't said anything and she was too afraid to look at his face. So she startled to babble. Incessantly. "It's funny, though. You know how I always try to solve everyone else's problems? I think I'm trying to prove myself wrong." She laughed an odd sounding laugh: one that was on the verge of tears. "It's like, hey, if I can handle everyone else's crap AND my own, then my Mom was wrong and I was wrong. There are people who won't let you down... But I... I think I'm the one who's wrong. I don't know, Tsukasa. You can tell me you'll be there for me forever, but-- and I'm telling you this honestly, because everyone always tells me I'm not honest enough-- I still think one of these days you'll realize that I'm not good enough for you, and you'll leave me. Even after all we've been through."
She absolutely hated crying but she couldn't help herself. It might have been a weakness, but she was only human. What human could stand breaking the heart of the person they loved?
But at least he knew, right? He finally knew. This is what she'd never told him. Even though she loved him, she didn't believe in his love for her. Subconsciously, she didn't think their relationship would last. Now that he knew this, she was sure he'd leave her. She was sure he'd be pissed off and outraged. And she couldn't blame him. Who could love a faithless person?
To her suprise, he touched a hand to her bowed head. But she didn't dare look up.
"That's okay." he said. He seemed to understand that she didn't know what he meant, so he continued, "If that's the way you think, then... It's okay. I can't say it doesn't hurt... But..." he saw the guilt on her face, and felt it was his duty as a man to protect his woman from anything: even her own weakness. "Do you remember the kind of guy I was when we first met?"
Despite her tears, she was able to utter the word, "Bastard".
He gave a half smile. At least she could still insult him. "I've changed a lot since then. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it's probably all because of you. But there were a lot of things about me that were... 'bastardly', I guess. Do you get where I'm going with this?"
Sniffle. "Not really."
Doumyouji cupped her chin in his hand, and tilted her head up so she could see his face. His smile and his eyes were warm and gentle. That was an expression that people rarely saw on Doumyouji Tsukasa's face before he'd met her. "I'm saying... I was able to change even some of the ugliest things about me because I'd found someone worth changing for. So... If you really don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't trust anyone, then... Don't be. And... Let me be the one to help you."
A million things were swimming through her head and her heart. There were so many and they were so different that they kept bumping into each other, and she had no idea what to do. There were only two things she was positively sure about right then.
The first, that she absolutely loved this crazy idiot who didn't always act like an idiot (now, for example).
"So what do you say?" he held out his hand for her to shake, and she wondered if maybe one day he WOULD make a good company president. His expression was so confident and genuine...
A smile, a little bit confident and genuine itself, graced her face, and she received his hand. "Yoroshiku." she said, her voice a bit hoarse from emotion.
His smile widdened, "Good," he replied, shaking her hand firmly, "And so your first step in getting over this stupid hang up is allowing me to take you and your brother away from this straw hut you call an apartment." He laughed and was glad when she joined in, "I guess you'll want a hotel room or something? If you don't mind staying at one of my mother's hotels, there's one that's pretty close to school. And I can have someone chauffeur you to..." he rattled off some more plans off the top of his head, not noticing that she wasn't listening.
He looked really cute doting over her, she decided. Well, he looked cute most of the time so that wasn't saying much... But it reminded her of the only other thing she was sure about.
"Tsukasa, can I make a request?"
He paused, in the middle of his babbling, and stared at her before asking, "Seriously? You don't have to force yourself."
She shook her head, "I'm not. I'm actually really suprised I'm asking you this but..." and she took a deep breath before hurriedly finishing, "Can I stay with you?"
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NOTES:
-Eisai: Private tutoring for rich kids. It teaches them really sophisticated things like foreign languages and tea ceremony. Tsukushi had to endure a super-condensed Eisai course in volume eleven when she was trying to win Miss Teen of Japan.
-The 'desert\flower' thing was an allusion to Kazuya's entrance back in volume two. =D
-Meiji Era: Not knowing anything about Japanese history, I took the era that stuck out the most in my mind. The Meiji Era (which is when Kenshin takes place)
-Bocchan: I only own two untranslated Hanadan mangas, and in one of them Tama refers to Doumyouji as "Bocchan". Tsukushi, being a maid at the time (guess which volume! ^_^) also calls him this. It's something to the effect of "Young Master".
-If you've ever seen the fansubbed Kodocha you probably noticed I stole the 'Shoujo\lake-eyes\flowers' thing Tsuyoshi said.
-This part was originally going to be half as long, but I ended up merging two chapters together.
-I know it seems silly for Tsukushi to be so messed up over something trivial like her mom talking smack about her dad, but according to this Workshop my mom attends (Landmark or something), even the smallest events in our childhood can have a severe effect on our psyche.
-Okay, well I know the dialogue is cheesy, the conflict is resolved WAY too easily, the flow is messed up (I wrote this in different parts within the course of three months) and the entire chapter is DRIPPING with melodrama, but bear with me! It's been a LONG ass time since I wrote anything. Please send me many suggestions on what I should do to fix this abomination, 'cause I honestly don't know. I've already done all I can do.
by Trish
([email protected])
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Trish is very sorry she took so long updating!! =( To read the VERY legitimate excuses, please check her profile page.
But really. I'm sorry. A few readers expressed interest in this story and it made me really happy (but confused... you actually LIKE this!?). So I'm going to try to work harder on this. I've already mapped out what's going to happen in the rest of the story.
And for all those who were wondering: This IS a Tsukushi x Doumyouji fic. I just stuck Rui in there. I don't know why. 'Cause he's a trifling weirdo and I love him. =D
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FOUR
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To the students of Eitoku, she was Doumyouji Tsukasa's poor, tough girlfriend. She was-- as a famous model who will go nameless, put it-- "Jeanne D'Arc". She fought back, despite overwhelming opposition, and she always, always got the torch. Bullied, attacked, kidnapped, nearly killed and raped... But she always survived because she had that infamous Binbou blood in her. She was someone the students pitied, despised, envied, looked down on, and admired.
To the teachers of Eitoku, she was something else, something much less complicated.
She was an excellent student.
Regardless of whether or not she studied, she always got good test grades. Her work was neat and immaculate; above par. Her mind was quick and sharp. If it weren't for her frequent absences and tendency to block out the entire world in favor or her personal problems, she would have been the perfect example of academic excellence.
Most of the other kids in class were stuck up snobs who couldn't formulate a thought outside their million yen Eisai tutoring. For an educator who spent years of college with dreams of bright and eager students, Eitoku was a barren dessert, and she was the single flower that was able to survive there.
So, that dark rainy afternoon, while Makino Tsukushi stared out the window, ignoring the lecture, sighing heavily, and looking generally depressed, the teacher of second year Japanese history, found yet another reason to hate Doumyouji Tsukasa.
He was, after all, the most active contributor to her pesonal problems. So whatever must have been bothering the girl now was, most likely, his doing. 'Yes', the man thought vehemently, 'This is all his fault.'
# # #
'This is all my fault.'
It was raining hard. 'Rain' wasn't a befitting description. It was POURING. It was like the sky was emptying out buckets of water over the earth, one after another. She couldn't hear the sound of it, because Eitoku windows were made of thick, glass. And the teacher was droning on and on up at the front of the room about the Meiji Era.
She would usually be all over that, but she just wasn't in the mood today. All she could think about was Doumyouji and the way he looked at her and the way he spoke to her. The leak problem didn't bother her anymore. Or, it bothered her less. Now she was more concerned about her boyfriend and their always-rocky relationship.
He was mad at her, and even though she didn't like admitting it, she knew he had every right to be.
'It's all my fault.'
She wanted to make up with him but she knew she couldn't. She didn't have the courage. Sure, she'd braved an entire school of twisted rich brats, the vastly feared and respected F4, a group of revenge-bent kidnappers, even the Wicked Witch herself, Doumyouji Kaede, but it was different this time.
This was the boy she loved.
He would want to know why. Why was she so obsessed with doing things on her own, being ultra independant, not needing anyone, but wanting to take care of everyone? And she could tell him some of it. She could tell him the things she knew: she was afraid Susumu was losing his childhood, she had to be the provider for the family in place of her idiot father, it was embarrasing to have to need help all the time, it was just in her nature to be self-sufficient... But there were other things... There were things she couldn't tell him about herself because she didn't know them, and the reason she didn't know them was because she never allowed herself to confront them. They were parts of herself she was afraid of facing: her failures, her weakness, the fact that she really didn't trust anyone-
'No!' she snapped a lid tightly on that thought, and made sure it was pushed to the far corners of her mind where she wouldn't be able to touch it; where she wouldn't even be able to acknowledge it was there. 'I trust people. I do. I trust Tsukasa. I just don't need his money or his pity.'
But, she had to admit, she needed him. Just for him. And she missed him. They'd been seperated for only days and she felt like a part of her was missing.
Some people might have called that a weakness. She was so dependant on seeing him all the time, that when he wasn't around she was despondent, depressed, unhappy... And if that was true, than Tsukushi supposed being with Doumyouji WAS a hindrance. But it was the one hindrance she wanted to hang on to.
He made her smile and laugh, and he showed her wonderful things, things not always bought with his parents' money. He made her heart race, and her soul glide... And she was always herself with him. Back in junior high she'd rejected each boy that came calling because she didn't want to lose a friend; she didn't want to force herself to be a girl she wasn't. But with Doumyouji she could still be her loud, opinionated, tomboyish-self.
If she'd ever lost Tsukasa, she'd lose a part of herself too; a part she couldn't ever get back. So instead of denying herself of him, because she would be devestated if she lost him, she just resolved never to let him go. Nobody would tear them apart. Not a plucky arranged fiancee, a trio of dimwitted snobs, an alleged cousin\twin, a marble-eyed taciturn, a plastic surgery poster girl... Not even an evil, diabolical, crazed lunatic who had the gall to call herself a mother.
And especially not herself; stupid and stubborn and afraid of something she didn't know.
'But', she wondered, 'What the hell am I gonna do now?'
'Tsukasa, I'm sorry. Don't give up on me, okay?'
Longingly, she stretched out her arm to touch the window pane, almost as if he were standing on the other side of it.
It was raining, but all she saw was him.
# # #
'I'm gonna go home and empty the buckets, then I'm gonna go to Tsukasa's house,' she told herself, resolutely, 'I'm gonna apologize and we're going to have a nice, civilized conversation.'
The thought made her happy but a little bit nervous. She was happy because she was finally going to spend time with him, but she was nervous because she'd decided that that time would be spent talking about 'the thing' she was not particularly looking forward to talking about. But it wasn't fair that she was keeping secrets from him (and, in some respect, herself). And sooner or later she would have to pull open that lid and let those ugly aspects of Tsukushi out. She couldn't keep them hidden forever, and the longer she kept them festering in the dark corners of her mind, the nastier they would be when she finally let them out.
There were other reasons for her trepidation. Tsukasa had gone through an awful lot to win her over. What if he finally realized she wasn't worth it? Part of the reason she suspected he fought so hard for her was because of his innate stubbornness. There was nothing Doumyouji Tsukasa couldn't have. Now that they were finally together, she worried he might realize it was never HER he really wanted at all. It was the idea of her: a strong-willed, rebellious girl who was initially uninterested in him. Tsukushi didn't want to be used or 'conquered'. More than that, she didn't want to be broken hearted.
And if that wasn't true, what if he reacted badly to her 'ugly hidden side'? Afterall, SHE hated it. Why wouldn't he?
'No, stop doubting him, Tsukushi!' she snapped at herself, viciously, 'You love Tsukasa. You 'ought to believe in him too.' She gripped the handle of her umbrella tightly, ashamed of her overwhelming thoughts of doubt. 'Everything'll be alright.'
It felt strange that she would be going to the Doumyouji house. For such a long time that house had been a place of fear and dread; a place that reminded her of her unfortunate social status. Even when she was invited, she still felt like an outsider.
But lately, things had changed. The maids called her by name and smiled brightly at her, instead of keeping grim countenances, leading her wherever they were instructed to, and only referring to her as "Miss". Tama always groused about how she was a stupid girl, but would lovingly add that Bocchan was a stupid BOY, and she wanted nothing more than to see them together. And Tsubaki: loud, aggressive, fearless, Tsubaki who was like everyone's older sister, was a woman whom Tsukushi admired and very much wanted to be like. The most important thing about that house, she thought, was the resident Young Master and the memories she'd shared with him there: scaling the walls so she could sneak into his room, playing cards late into the night, listening to his love confession after he bandaged up her wounds... The Doumyouji mansion could never be home, but with all those people and memories and events, it became less of a place to be afraid of.
Tsukushi was nearing her apartment. She just had to round a corner and there her eyesore, nearly-dilapidated house would be. She never looked forward to seeing it. It was, after all, far from awe-inspiring, especially after all the things she'd seen in her two years at Eitoku.
"Tsukushi."
At the sound of her name, she looked up, froze in shock, and nearly dropped her umbrella.
Standing there in front of her house was one of the most gorgeous things Eitoku had ever given her the pleasure of seeing-- not that she'd ever say so out loud.
It was Doumyouji Tsukasa.
He didn't have an umbrella, so he was soaked head to toe, his designer clothes sticking to his body. His usually curly hair was straight and nearly reached his chin. Even drenched from the rain, he looked handsome.
But in front of her ranshackle apartment, he looked out of place. It was that thought that broke her out of her lovesick stupor. For a moment she was actually imagining him like he was one of those boys in shoujo manga: lake-eyed and surrounded by flowers.
"Tsukasa..." she breathed, her voice trembling with emotion.
He replied with his typical greeting, "Yo."
For a moment, nothing happened. He looked at her with his serious, dark eyes, and she looked back at him, with her heart swelling up so large she was afraid she didn't have enough space in her ribcage to accommodate it.
They stood only a few feet apart. The rain was pounding fiercely.
After that elongated moment, they both realized that something had to be said.
"Tsukasa," she started, "What are you doing standing in the rain?" her tone was scolding, "Idiot. Here, take my umbrella."
He pushed the hand offering the umbrella away, "You're the idiot," he retorted, "I'm already wet. It wouldn't do me any good. You keep it. I don't want you to get sick."
"What about you?"
He didn't answer at first, and when he did, he said, "I don't care about myself as much as I care about you."
The old Tsukushi would have told him to shut up, to not tell her ridiculous lies. But this Tsukushi, who was a little bit older and wiser and in love, only answered with a blush, and a "Thank you".
Doumyouji did his best not to blush in return. "So are you going to invite me in or what? It's raining like hell out here."
Her face flushed redder than before, and indignantly she shot back, "No! What the hell are you asking me? You know I have leaks! And you're just going to insult me about them."
"That's probably true," he nodded in agreement, "But it's cold and it's raining."
She wasn't moved. She knew the real reason he wanted to go inside was so they could talk, and she'd suddenly lost her nerve, "Yeah, well, you need to learn to toughen up Bocchan. This rain's nothing. In other parts of the world-"
"Tsukushi," he interrupted, "Shut up, would you?" With that said, he strolled past her, making his way up the creaky stairs and into her apartment...
... which for some reason he had the key for.
She decided not to ask about it, because she kind of already knew the how and the why. And after months of dating him, she realized it would have been unlike him if he DIDN'T pull something bizzare and scary like this.
Tsukushi jogged up the stairs after him, being careful because the steps were slippery with rain water. When she finally caught up with him, he was standing a foot inside the apartment, staring at the many water-filled buckets. He looked like he was in pain, and it took a moment or two for Tsukushi to realize that he was trying to keep from laughing.
'Well, at least he's considerate', she thought, humorlessly.
"You see, Tsukasa, you see why I didn't want you to know about this? It's embarrassing," she told him.
"You wouldn't mind Rui seeing this, then?"
She made a face. Why was he always bringing up Rui? Rui was not the problem. "Hanazawa Rui never would have come here," she answered confidently. Then, memories suddenly came to her of the taciturn sending her furniture, following her to New York, and making several attempts to sock his bestfriend on her behalf. "Okay... Maybe that's not entirely true..." she stood there mulling over it until Doumyouji was suddenly in her face, yelling at her.
"Hey! Snap out of it, would you!?"
"Eh? Oh, sorry. Well, maybe I was just hoping he wouldn't have come over. He's kind of unpredictable, you know."
Tsukasa made an unidentifiable sound of agreement, "You're telling me."
"Anyway, let's not bring Hanazawa Rui into this. This has nothing to do with him."
Doumyouji was staring at her, expressionless, "What has 'nothing to do with him'?"
"You know," she was starting to get annoyed, and it took massive amounts of willpower to keep those feelings curbed, "The reason you're here now."
"What do you know about what I'm doing here now?" he questioned, cryptically.
Tsukushi looked about ready to pop a blood vessel, "Hey, halfwit! Cut the crap, would you? You came here expecting an apology and I've got one! But if you keep acting like that I might just have to throw you out on your ass!"
He didn't get mad like most people would have. Calmly, and somewhat pleased, he asked her, "You were going to apologize to me?" At her growl, he lifted his hands in defense, "Hey, calm down, would you? Actually, I didn't come here for that, although I'm not at all against it," his smile was half sad, "I just wanted to see you. Even if we only half-make up, that's better than staying mad at each other. I DO want to know why you're shutting me out, but I'll wait until you're ready to talk about it."
When he was sweet like this, she didn't know what to do. She usually acted on some bizzare, lovesick impulse. She would ignore her fears and doubts and jump head in, so that she could keep pace with his strength and bravery.
"Well... How about now?" she offered, her voice heavy with anxiety.
# # #
"Last week, I had a dream," she began. They were squeezed together tightly in the one dry corner of the apartment. Their knees were touching, and for once she wasn't allowed to start screeching at him about it because it wasn't his fault (although one could make the argument it never was his fault, she was just paranoid).
"A dirty dream?" he teased, with a sleazy look on his face. "Was I in it?"
She scowled at him, "It wasn't a dirty dream, you freak! And since when did you turn into Nishikado?"
"Sorry."
She didn't reply to that, but she continued on with her narrative, a frown still marring her face "It was a dream about something that happened when I was really young. I nearly forgot about it, it was such a long time ago. I think..." she shook her head, "I KNOW that this was one of the things that made me the way I am now. I must have been five or something, and my family's financial problems were really starting to get bad."
Tsukushi's eyes glazed over with sadness. Her voice dropped lower, "Mama took me aside and told me that Papa had screwed up again and wasn't getting that raise we all needed him to get. She also said some other things..." she looked distressed, and Doumyouji moved to hold her, but she waved him off. "She said... Well I don't really remember what words exactly, but the general feeling was that my Dad was a complete loser."
"Che," Doumyouji scoffed, "Your father IS a complete loser. How could you not have already known that? Were you an idiot as a kid?"
This time, she didn't bother to snap at him. She just gave him a positively hateful glare and within seconds he was contrite.
"Sorry," he said again.
"Do you really think that that's something a kid should be told when they're five? I mean, geez, Tsukasa. When you're that young the only thing you have IS your parents. What are you supposed to do when you find out one of them is completely useless and is actually dragging the family down?" she let out a long sigh, "Maybe you don't get it 'cause your dad IS somebody. But... when you're young don't you think you should be allowed to believe in things?"
Doumyouji didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He didn't understand why this was such a big deal to her. In his perspective, parents weren't that important. They were the ones who made sure that the bank account was always filled with money. They were the ones who came home once or twice in a year and told you to look good in front of the world. If his mother ever spoke ill of his father, then he wouldn't care much. It was their problem. The ones who'd raised him were Tsubaki and Tama, and he never had to worry about either of them being a loser or undependable.
"I was so disillusioned," he heard her murmur. She wrapped her arms around her legs and leaned her chin on her knees, "My father was the person I loved and trusted the most, and here my mother was, telling me that I was a fool for believing in him. Not only that," Tsukushi's laugh was sardonic, "She told me that I shouldn't believe in or depend on ANYONE. That I should get by only by trusting myself."
Okay, now THAT was just wrong. "That's bullshit," Doumyouji spat, "Even a 'rich brat' like me knows that."
"Hey, I was only a kid!" she said in her defense, "Kids are impressionable, you know! Besides... After she told me that, I started to take notice of things more, and I realized that what she said wasn't without it's merit. My dad is..." she trailed off, not sure what word to use for the man that had brought her up her whole life.
"A loser?" Doumyouji supplied, in a manner he thought was helpful.
"Unreliable." she corrected. "And my mom's no better. If she sees me talking to anyone even remotely rich, she's already writing my wedding vows for me. That woman seriously just does NOT want to work."
"You have a weird family," he commented.
"Look who's talking, Sister Complex." He gave her a mean look for that one.
"But anyway, that's the story. I guess it's not really all that traumatic or extraordinary but there it is. I don't trust anybody. No matter how much I like or love someone, I keep thinking they'll fail me or sell me up the river." she tried to make it sound casual, like it was no big deal, but he could hear fear in her tone.
"By that I guess you mean... me?"
At first she said nothing. She wouldn't even look him in the eye.
He nudged her with his shoulder. "Oi. Tsukushi. Don't suddenly decide you're not a loud mouth."
"It's not that I don't want to trust you," she tried to explain, "I really do love you and you've done so much for me... But I... Since we first started going out, I've..." and she bit her lip hard and screwed her eyes shut, "I've always felt that it wouldn't last."
Since she still refused to look at him, she didn't see the expression of sadness wash over his face. But she had a feeling it was there. How could someone stand to hear that from the person they loved and not feel bad?
"It's not you Tsukasa. It's me. I have this stupid, stupid thing where I don't depend on anyone or ask them for help... I think everything's temporary. I don't want to need anyone 'cause I think they'll fail me or they'll abandon me just when I really need them."
Her boyfriend still hadn't said anything and she was too afraid to look at his face. So she startled to babble. Incessantly. "It's funny, though. You know how I always try to solve everyone else's problems? I think I'm trying to prove myself wrong." She laughed an odd sounding laugh: one that was on the verge of tears. "It's like, hey, if I can handle everyone else's crap AND my own, then my Mom was wrong and I was wrong. There are people who won't let you down... But I... I think I'm the one who's wrong. I don't know, Tsukasa. You can tell me you'll be there for me forever, but-- and I'm telling you this honestly, because everyone always tells me I'm not honest enough-- I still think one of these days you'll realize that I'm not good enough for you, and you'll leave me. Even after all we've been through."
She absolutely hated crying but she couldn't help herself. It might have been a weakness, but she was only human. What human could stand breaking the heart of the person they loved?
But at least he knew, right? He finally knew. This is what she'd never told him. Even though she loved him, she didn't believe in his love for her. Subconsciously, she didn't think their relationship would last. Now that he knew this, she was sure he'd leave her. She was sure he'd be pissed off and outraged. And she couldn't blame him. Who could love a faithless person?
To her suprise, he touched a hand to her bowed head. But she didn't dare look up.
"That's okay." he said. He seemed to understand that she didn't know what he meant, so he continued, "If that's the way you think, then... It's okay. I can't say it doesn't hurt... But..." he saw the guilt on her face, and felt it was his duty as a man to protect his woman from anything: even her own weakness. "Do you remember the kind of guy I was when we first met?"
Despite her tears, she was able to utter the word, "Bastard".
He gave a half smile. At least she could still insult him. "I've changed a lot since then. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it's probably all because of you. But there were a lot of things about me that were... 'bastardly', I guess. Do you get where I'm going with this?"
Sniffle. "Not really."
Doumyouji cupped her chin in his hand, and tilted her head up so she could see his face. His smile and his eyes were warm and gentle. That was an expression that people rarely saw on Doumyouji Tsukasa's face before he'd met her. "I'm saying... I was able to change even some of the ugliest things about me because I'd found someone worth changing for. So... If you really don't want to be the kind of person that doesn't trust anyone, then... Don't be. And... Let me be the one to help you."
A million things were swimming through her head and her heart. There were so many and they were so different that they kept bumping into each other, and she had no idea what to do. There were only two things she was positively sure about right then.
The first, that she absolutely loved this crazy idiot who didn't always act like an idiot (now, for example).
"So what do you say?" he held out his hand for her to shake, and she wondered if maybe one day he WOULD make a good company president. His expression was so confident and genuine...
A smile, a little bit confident and genuine itself, graced her face, and she received his hand. "Yoroshiku." she said, her voice a bit hoarse from emotion.
His smile widdened, "Good," he replied, shaking her hand firmly, "And so your first step in getting over this stupid hang up is allowing me to take you and your brother away from this straw hut you call an apartment." He laughed and was glad when she joined in, "I guess you'll want a hotel room or something? If you don't mind staying at one of my mother's hotels, there's one that's pretty close to school. And I can have someone chauffeur you to..." he rattled off some more plans off the top of his head, not noticing that she wasn't listening.
He looked really cute doting over her, she decided. Well, he looked cute most of the time so that wasn't saying much... But it reminded her of the only other thing she was sure about.
"Tsukasa, can I make a request?"
He paused, in the middle of his babbling, and stared at her before asking, "Seriously? You don't have to force yourself."
She shook her head, "I'm not. I'm actually really suprised I'm asking you this but..." and she took a deep breath before hurriedly finishing, "Can I stay with you?"
# # # # # # # # # # #
NOTES:
-Eisai: Private tutoring for rich kids. It teaches them really sophisticated things like foreign languages and tea ceremony. Tsukushi had to endure a super-condensed Eisai course in volume eleven when she was trying to win Miss Teen of Japan.
-The 'desert\flower' thing was an allusion to Kazuya's entrance back in volume two. =D
-Meiji Era: Not knowing anything about Japanese history, I took the era that stuck out the most in my mind. The Meiji Era (which is when Kenshin takes place)
-Bocchan: I only own two untranslated Hanadan mangas, and in one of them Tama refers to Doumyouji as "Bocchan". Tsukushi, being a maid at the time (guess which volume! ^_^) also calls him this. It's something to the effect of "Young Master".
-If you've ever seen the fansubbed Kodocha you probably noticed I stole the 'Shoujo\lake-eyes\flowers' thing Tsuyoshi said.
-This part was originally going to be half as long, but I ended up merging two chapters together.
-I know it seems silly for Tsukushi to be so messed up over something trivial like her mom talking smack about her dad, but according to this Workshop my mom attends (Landmark or something), even the smallest events in our childhood can have a severe effect on our psyche.
-Okay, well I know the dialogue is cheesy, the conflict is resolved WAY too easily, the flow is messed up (I wrote this in different parts within the course of three months) and the entire chapter is DRIPPING with melodrama, but bear with me! It's been a LONG ass time since I wrote anything. Please send me many suggestions on what I should do to fix this abomination, 'cause I honestly don't know. I've already done all I can do.