Disclaimer: I disclaim. Sadly.

Cross-posted from Ao3. I'm surprised at the difference in reception from here and Ao3 but oh well. If you want an explanation on why I chose to end the story like this (or what headcanon I had for Haruka's characterisation) you can visit the Ao3 page for this story (id 2146473) or you can search for xshiroi_aki on Ao3. Hur.

Congrats to myself for surviving IB. (lolwut) Btw can anyone spot the paraphrase of a quote from a novel in here?

Haruka didn't understand how things became this way. Makoto was supposed to be the love of his life – after all, hadn't the other stuck with him through everything? – and they were supposed to be happy.

But, for some reason, they weren't.

He didn't understand why either, only that he felt that it was never enough with Makoto. Kind, sweet Makoto who was – too – understanding, patient Makoto who put up with all the weird… quirks Haruka has.

Like his tendencies to be tempted by anything water and mackerel.

Because Makoto always put up with all that makes Haruka extremely unbearable to be around, not to mention potential dating material.

But, again, for some unexplainable reason, Haruka felt like it wasn't enough. It was like Makoto was part of a puzzle that fit, just that he never completed Haru.

And then Rin came into his life.

Just to be honest, Haru has never disliked anyone more than he had disliked Rin at first sight. That ball of hyper, overly cheerful smiles just barged into his life one day, walking through that classroom door and introducing himself with such ease that made him jealous.

Haruka was sure that Rin did not open only one door that day; he had forced his way into Haruka's heart too.

It wasn't a startling discovery by chance or fate or anything , because as much as Rin's departure and his rejection back in middle school hurt, Haruka never saw the other as something more than a friend – because it would definitely have hurt more if it had been Makoto.

A year after Rin's return, Haruka could no longer say the same.

The when's, why's and how's were unclear, even to Haruka himself, but slowly – though surely – Rin began to complete the other part of him, where Makoto has failed.

And now, Haru just doesn't understand.

(What happened, and what to do.)

It was at the newly opened Iwatobi Swimming Club, where Rin had said those – cursed –words.

Rin's confession had been unexpected, but not entirely badly received. In fact, Haruka's heart had felt like it had literally been filled up with fireworks and the unique spark that he always saw in Rin's eyes when Rin had said those words to him.

"I love you."

But Haruka hadn't been able to reply. How could he, when he already had a significant other?

Rin – blessed, blessed Rin – saw what Haruka tried to convey without words and hastily continued.

"I know you're with Makoto, but I just wanted to let you know, because dang it, Haru, I mean, heck, I hope this wouldn't affect our friendship between us. You, me, and Makoto."

Haruka didn't know what to say to that. Rin had winced at his non-reply silence, but continued gripping onto his shoulders tightly to stare at him. It was Sasabe's entrance – he'd come to chase them away – that saved Haru from giving the other any form of a reply at all.

After Rin had left him alone – albeit reluctantly, but Haruka wasn't complaining as long as he could put some space between them – Haruka didn't return home as he was expected to.

(Makoto would've been worried, but Ren had been down with a bad fever that day.)

The moon was up.

It was only when the first petals fell onto his head did he snap out of his daze to stare at his surroundings, the moonlight almost dazzling him in the process. He winced at the sharp glare of the light, blinking a few times to clear his visions of white spots. Dancing petals of gentle pink filled his vision when it cleared, and it was then he realised that he was staring at a very familiar tree.

He pursed his lips, before blinking and wondering what expression he had on right now.

How poetic.

'To be back at such a place…' He felt one corner of his lips twitch upwards, but was sure it couldn't be called a smile.

Slowly, he brought his hand up to catch some of the fluttering petals, they flickered a pale pink when he looked at them, three stray petals, fallen from the fragile and short-lived flowers. He closed his hands into a fist, and opened them. They were no longer the fleeting beauty he had seen before.

All he had now in his palms were crushed bits of the once-graceful forms. Destroyed so easily.

He vaguely wondered what the whole point of this was. He didn't believe in fate, and he wasn't going to start now, but he does believe that he was led back here for a reason.

It's where everything had started, after all.

Above him, he saw the moon disappear under the arriving clouds. No, he felt more than saw, the transient, silvery warmth fading away slowly, because he was too busy staring at the things that were broken and torn –

Sakura are beautiful things, reflected Haru. Too bad they feed on the blood of the dead in order to bloom. Deadly, beautiful things.

How fitting, since the most desirable things in life are usually denied to you.

Rin was staring at him with a frown on his face now. It made him feel self-conscious, but he was not going to back down.

He'd made his decision.

"Haru…" Rin's voice was gentle and patient, as if he was a petulant little child who doesn't understand the consequences of his actions. "Do you even know what you're talking about?" What he was asking for?

Rin was correct. He didn't. Or rather, he's just not letting himself think about it. He didn't want to think about it.

That doesn't stop him from wanting what Rin could potentially give him anyways.

(Because he was sick and tired of being lonely and he just wants to be whole again after everyone has abandoned him and Makoto was just not enough and he –)

But he persisted. With pursed lips he replied.

"Yes, yes I do."

"Haru, you can't ask me to do this. It's not fair to you nor Makoto."

He had stopped listening by then and pulled Rin down. The instant their lips connected, he felt his world shift and click, like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

A solid weight slid forms in him, pulling him away, away from his aimless wandering, floating, pulling him down back to earth where he can feel alive again.

Nanase Haruka felt, for the first time in his life, complete.

He'd never let himself think about whether he regretted it or not, and he tried not to let Makoto's gradually fading brilliance and Rin's increasing frustration at the situation bother him.

Haruka thought about his parents – his grandmother, even – and how they've abandoned him so simply, in the instances that he does let them get to him, and everything suddenly feels better.

Something is going to happen today. Something big. He poked at his mackerel bento, trying to mask his growing agitation.

There was a certain disturbance in the atmosphere, and he knew what this feeling was. He was, sadly, closely acquainted with it.

It's the same foreboding, curled up feeling in your gut that is just waiting for the right moment to burst into a sickening bitterness that will burn through your veins rapidly.

It will leave you stunned, and utterly destroyed.

He'd felt it the first time Rin left him, he'd felt it the second time Rin left him, utterly crushed without hope. It's always a horrible feeling, one that made Haruka feel blank and empty and cold all over.

It's not entirely the same this time, however. There was a subtle shift in the feeling that made it different from the first two times.

He only looked up when Makoto nudged him – apparently, Nagisa and Rei had finally resolved their differences – and reminded him gently – oh, how his heart broke for him – that they had classes to get to.

Meeting Rin's eyes for a split-second, he felt that subtle shifting spiral click in place with a growing sense of finality. And he knew that whatever was going to happen, had started.

He could only hope it won't end in too much of a disaster.

And now, staring at the disheveled form of Makoto standing in front of him, looking desperate and crushed, Haruka didn't know what to do.

Makoto knew, was Haruka's first realization the moment he stepped into the dorm room.

He knows. About Rin.

Why did that hurt Haru so much?

Haru dreaded the moment he had to start a conversation with Makoto because he refused – didn't want to, was scared to – to lose Makoto like how he'd once lost Rin. But he knew Makoto knew and Haru could also tell that Makoto knows that Haru is entirely aware of his newly acquired knowledge.

"So, where were you? I was looking for you."

"You weren't."

"Excuse me?" Stop it, Haruka. Just, stop. You don't want to hear what he has to say. Stop!

"You were with Rin."

The silence that followed was painful, and Haruka felt himself slipping into a state of numbness. This feels familiar, it feels like that very time Rin declared right in his face with his cruel smirk that he was never going to swim with Haru again.

The awful, disgusting feeling began growing in his abdomen, and Haruka parted his lips in a pathetic attempt to take in more oxygen to get rid of it.

"Oh." What could he say?

Nothing, really.

"We should stop this, Haruka." He tensed at hearing his name fall from Makoto's lips, sucking in a breath and clutched his elbow tightly. The pain was almost enough to distract from the hideous build-up, almost.

"What?"

"I mean, let's break up."

All of a sudden, the build-up just stopped, and Haruka heard something shatter in the distance.

The silence had continued for a good ten minutes, with Makoto staring at Haruka expectantly – of course he would, he'd assumed Haruka had an answer in agreement with his suggestion, when in reality he didn't – and Haruka looking down at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes and see the sadness which he knew would be present.

Makoto had then walked out when Haruka refused to speak.

Blue eyes closed, relishing the feeling of cool water raining down his back. Haru pressed his forehead against the white tiles of the shower, clenching his hands, trying so hard to piece the parts of himself that Makoto broke back together.

Rin, Makoto, Rin and Makoto. They were his pillars, they formed whatever was holding him down, reminding him that he is alive, that he is needed, that he is loved.

He couldn't make do without Rin, he can't make do with Makoto either. He needed them both. He don't know how to make Makoto – how to make any of them, really – understand. He didn't think he himself understands what he's doing, just that he needed both of them to survive –

It felt like he was running out of air.

It felt like he was drowning.

Gasping, Haruka threw his head back and heaved in large breaths of air. Air that contained his beloved, beloved water. He relished the feeling of the shower spraying the cool liquid against his skin. Fingers left the cold surface of the bathroom tiles as he reached up to clutch at his throat. He trembled.

Makoto can't leave.

He can't.

Haruka would not let it happen.

I don't want this, Makoto, please –

A torrent of memories flooded his mind and he continued trembling –

The utter despair in the once-bright green eyes…

"Haru-chan, I love you."…

The way his heart started to beat faster when those same bright pair of eyes curved into an upside-down U-shape in happiness…

The time Rin confessed to him…

How Haru never thought of him when he was with Rin…

– it stopped.

I…see… And it hit him so hard it was painful. Haruka slid slowly onto the shower floor, his back leaning against the ruthlessly cold ceramic.

There is no place for selfishness in his life. He didn't possess any rights for that.

Nanase Haruka was doomed to destroy all – whatever little – he had with his wretched selfishness.

Somehow, that realization placates the roaring demon within him and puts it to rest finally. It's as if it had finally been muzzled, restraint and put down forcefully. He curled into his knees and hugged them closer, letting out a sigh that sounded like a choked sob – for all that he's lost – a forlorn wish – for all that he's not allowed to have – and a reprieve – for what? The realization he has finally reached?

A harsh bark of air startled him out of his thoughts, and he was surprised to hear that it came from him.

He remembered that night spent under the blooming sakura tree, the sakura petals, and how it had been so easy to crush them. How it had beenHaruka who had done so that night.

It's all Haruka. At the end of everything, it had been Haruka's fault all along.

For some reason, that epiphany does not cause him any distress, but he wished – he so dearly wished – that he could've made do with one of them instead of wanting both. Even the loneliness he feels descending upon him – one which Makoto and Rin's presence in his life helps to chase away – scares him no more.

There was nothing left he could do. He didn't know what to say to Makoto, and he didn't know what to tell Rin – however guilty he felt for making the redhead feel bad about their relationship. He wasn't that much of a glutton for the punishment he'd brought readily upon himself.

So he merely watched the water flow.