Pranking a Dark Lord

Author's Note: So this is my first foray into fan-fiction, so please excuse my lack of etiquette.

The premise of my story is such: what if Sirius Black survived that night in Department of Mysteries; what if he had become Harry's Godfather, one who truly looks out for Harry's interests; most importantly, what if he fought like a Muggle?

The timeline; certain events; and facts, that occur within canon, will not be strictly adhered to, but as a starting point, this fan-fiction will occur during 1995, during the events of the Order of the Phoenix.

Please note that this fan-fiction is rated M, and will contain some gore and a torture scene in the future.

All editorial, spelling, grammatical and any other idiotic mistakes are entirely my own.

Finally, the characters used herein are not my own, but remain the everlasting property of J.K Rowling and her publishers; save for Original Characters of my own creation that will be introduced along the way.

Chapter 1: An Act and a Fact

It all started with a simple act and a simple fact.

Sirius Black stepped out of Number 12 Grimmauld Place into the clear skies of the late morning afternoon's sunshine, simply because he needed to clear his head from the tiresome, repetitive and hopelessly pointless discussions and politics of the Order of the Phoenix; and its fight against the newly reconstituted Dark Lord.

Without any purpose or real direction, he strode through Muggle London, slowly clearing his head of the irritation he had for meetings. He was at heart, a man of action, having been a full-time fighter for the Order, before his incarceration and subsequent exoneration by the Ministry of Magic.

It was this lack of purpose that lend Sirius to commit an act that would make him the bane of Voldemort: he boarded a Muggle bus.

He quickly paid for his fare for a ride on the iconic red double-decker Muggle bus, and found an empty window seat, letting his mind wander.

This isn't like the Knight bus, he mused, and definitely more comfortable.

Slowly, his thoughts turned to the sights and sounds of Muggle London. As the bus slowly wended its way around London he soon came to realise that Muggle London was infinitely larger than Magical London; Diagon Alley really was just an alley when compared to what he saw; and said Alley was the premier shopping district for all of Magical England!

A sudden, loud, buzzing noise broke him out of his reverie.

Out of the corner of his right eye, he saw a red, 2-wheeled contraption threading its way through the tight traffic, on the road that was perpendicular to the street his bus he was on.

Quickly identifying the red contraption as the source of the buzzing sound, he saw a black clad individual — with what Sirius could only describe as a bucket strapped to the rider's head — navigate the contraption through the traffic at terrific speeds.

A motorcycle!, Sirius suddenly remembered, fondly remembering his own magical motorcycle that he gave to Hagrid so many years ago.

Watching the Muggle rider, Sirius quickly surmised that the rider was brilliant, as the rider streaked past his bus, nearly avoiding 4 collisions.

I bet he'd make an excellent Seeker, Sirius mused.

And then a simple fact hit him, hit him harder than a Bludger ever could: Muggles were brilliant. Sirius assumed (incorrectly) that Muggles had taken what had originally been a Wizarding idea (a broom) and then used Muggle ingenuity to create their own version (a motorcycle).

In addition to that, his simple observations throughout the time on his bus ride made his realise all the various methods Muggles used to compensate for their lack of magic. The contrails above, through the clear summer air were a testament to Muggle flight; the very bus he was on, and the other vehicles surrounding him spoke of their need to travel at faster speeds than they or any animal could provide.

No, he thought, Muggles were not stupid; but can they help us with our little Dark problem? Sirius pondered that problem as the bus continued to ply its route.

Let's not forget that the Muggles outnumber us at least a thousand to one, Sirius mused.

Following this line of reasoning, Sirius realised that by reason of their sheer numbers alone, Muggles must have had their own share of 'Dark Lords'.

With that realisation, Sirius immediately shot straight up, startling the dear old lady who had been sitting across from him; and striking his head against the low ceiling of the bus.

The shock of what he was about to do made Sirius ignore the throbbing pain emanating from his head: he was about to do something he had sworn he'd never do once he graduated from Hogwarts'.

Quickly alighting from the bus, he boarded the closest available cab and yelled, "take me to London's most famous library!"

The British Library, while not as old as Hogwarts', had still been in existence since 1753, and hosted one of the largest collections on Earth.

It was at that site which now saw a rakishly handsome man, in what could only be described as Barristers' robes, rush headlong straight into.

Completely ignoring the stares he was receiving, he ran straight for the information counter.

Casting an eye on his attire, the receptionist said brusquely, "Sir, the Legal Deposit is located...".

"No, no, no, I'm not here for that," Sirius interrupted, confused as to why she thought he would want to go there, "could you direct me to the section on Mug... I mean the histories of war?"

"That would be under the Humanities Department, first floor, as indicated by the signs. I trust that you can make your way there without too much guidance?", the woman replied coolly.

Suppressing a shiver borne out of 7 years at Hogwarts, Sirius lowered his head and muttered his apologies and thanks.

That woman reminds me entirely too much of McGonagall.

Athena, or Attie, as her friends called her, was busy cataloging the month's latest Humanities books; as the National Library, the august institution was entitled to a free copy of every book published or distributed in Britain.

She hummed happily to herself as she slowly made her way alphabetically through her latest acquisitions, for she truly loved her job.

With wire-framed glasses, and her hair secured into a tight bun by a pencil, her very countenance screamed, 'Librarian'.

She was almost done with the 'B' publications when heavy footsteps and breathing approached her desk.

With an irritated frown that most of her past boyfriends found entirely too endearing, she looked up to investigate the source of the noise.

A man with unfashionably long hair, that oddly enough, suited him perfectly, stood opposite her, wearing a set of robes of all things.

His grey eyes, though, were what truly caught her attention. They held excitement, anticipation, pain, and just a hint of mischief.

Realising that she had been staring for entirely too long, she asked, "how may I help you, Sir?"

Two thoughts rushed through Sirius' mind within the span of Athena's question: I must learn how to dress like a Muggle, or the staring will never cease; and how can I ask her about Muggle affairs without looking like an utter fool?

Hiding his nervousness behind a smile that made him the lady-killer he was, he asked, "could you direct me towards the section on the history of wars?"

Flushing red, Athena replied, "certainly, if you'll follow me?"

I've still got it, he thought with a smirk.

In a flash of inspiration, he quickly added, "also, I'm in a bit of a rush as my son's birthday is tomorrow, and he loves the history of warfare. Could you possibly direct me to an introductory guide or children's version that might be suitable as a present?"

I'll make up for that lie about you, Harry, Sirius silently promised.

Oh, he's got a kid, she thought unhappily, and I'm not working in a bookstore, damnit! Nevertheless, she kept her face professional, directed Sirius to the section requested; and recommended several books that would be suitable for children.

Once Sirius was settled in, she left to continue the rest of her day's work.

More out of embarrassment at being caught reading a children's book, than anything else, Sirius waited until Athena left before casting a Silencing charm, along with some subtle Wards to warn him of any incoming danger.

Moody would be proud, he thought, with a wry grin.

Not wasting any time, he quickly decided to attack the pile of children's books in chronological order. He started with something the Muggles called the Great War.

As he slowly turned the pages, Sirius became truly awed and afraid at the scale at which the Muggles could, and were willing to do to each other. 9 million combatants dead; 7 million civilians dead; poisonous gasses that melted men from the inside; and the list of atrocities just went on and on.

He reached for a second book, this time on World War 2. By the time he reached the end of the book, he had completely lost his composure.

A single device! His conscience screamed, a single device that can level whole cities! Even Voldemort can't summon such power, and yet the Muggles have! All this information, from children's books, what horrors would the adult ones reveal?!

It was at this point that he finally noticed it was 2 in the afternoon. Although he was not hungry, he had a splitting headache, and his hands were shaking; whether by fear, mental exhaustion, or from a combination of both, he did not know.

All he did know was that he needed rest; and that he needed to know more.

"Pardon my intrusion, miss, but I seem to have missed lunch. However, I do promise to return. Is it alright if I leave my desk as it is, without returning the books I've been reading?", after reading about the past atrocities, Sirius was surprised he managed to form such a coherent request, "I promise I'll be back."

With her usual frown, Athena was about to refuse his request until she saw his ashened face. Puzzled by the change from his previous demeanour, she simply nodded her assent.

Without delay, Sirius entered the men's lavatory, locked himself in a cubicle and Apparated directly to the Potions store on Diagon Alley. Purchasing, and subsequently downing a Calming Draught and Pepper-Up Potion, he felt his headache, tension, stress and outright fear slowly dissipate as the potions slowly did their magic.

Despite the powerful potions consumed, his mind still screamed against finding out more about the Muggles and their terrible wars.

Silence! He chastised himself mentally. I'm doing what I've failed to do for the last 12 years! I'm doing this all for Prongs for fucking this all up, and for Harry. I WILL do ANYTHING to protect Harry. ANYTHING!

With newly strengthened resolve, he Apparated back into the locked cubicle in the men's lavatory.

Disillusioning himself, to escape Athena's notice that he had only been gone for 10 minutes, he returned to his desk, casting the same Wards he did before.

Let's do this, he said, with new found vigour.

From the corner of his eye, he noticed the cute Librarian waving wildly at him, irritation clearly evident on her face.

Shit, he thought, Silencing Charms.

With a quick Finite, he quickly apologised, "sorry miss, I seem to have been lost in my own world."

"Lost enough that you missed the announcement, and me waving at you like at idiot?", she said irritably.

"Announcement?", paranoia quickly replacing his earlier embarrassment.

"Yes, it's 5.55 pm, and you have exactly 5 minutes to put back all those books, and leave the Library. It's closing time", Athena said, before stalking off.

Using the Tempus Charm, Sirius waited exactly 1 minute before waving his Wand at the books, sending them back to their original places.

Flashing his most dashing charm at Athena while he strode past her desk, he happily proclaimed, 'all done! And may I thank you again for your kind help."

A harrumph was all the reply he received.

Rounding a corner, and making sure no one was about, he Apparated back to number 12 Grimmauld Place.

Barely five seconds into his own foyer, the voice of a Harpy started haranguing him.

"Sirius Black! Where have you been?! We've been worried sick about you! And to walk out on an important meeting like that is just rude!", screeched Molly Weasley.

Well at least it's not my Mother's portrait, he consoled himself.

"First of all, you're not my mother. Second, I went for a walk. Third, was anything important discussed at the meeting, apart from the glaring fact that we all know Voldemort's back? Fourth, is there dinner? I haven't eaten all day", that last sentence was accompanied by pitiful doggy eyes that he had learnt as Padfoot.

With the patience only the mother of 7 children could possess, she quickly shoo-ed him into the kitchen, and began heaping plates of her delicious cooking for him to eat.

Ignoring the rest of the company that flitted in and out of the kitchen, he shoved food in his mouth. Although he neither had the mood nor the appetite for it, he cleared his plate, knowing that energy was what he needed.

"You alright there, Sirius?", came a small voice from behind him.

Harry.

"I'm fine, pup, needed some fresh air, and the confined space where the bothersome meeting was held reminded me too much of..."

"...Azkaban", Harry said, with kind understanding.

Ever since Sirius' formal adoption of Harry the year before, he had promised Prongslet that he would never lie to him; would always treat him like an equal; and would love him as a Son.

Harry's trusting and kind understanding in the face of Sirius' lie broke his heart a little, but Sirius knew it was ultimately for the boy's protection.

Oh Merlin, now I sound like Dumbledore. If this idea of mine has even an iota of succeeding, I'll confess this lie to you, he silently promised to Harry.

"I know the Order has been keeping you in the dark about a lot of things, but by the end of this Summer Holidays, I swear to you, I'll tell you all I know. I might even duel with Dumbledore, just to find out what he knows", he said with a wink.

Harry could only roll his eyes and chuckle.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I've had a long day and an even longer one tomorrow. Good night, pup."

"'Night, Sirius."

At least with that promise I just made, I now have a deadline to keep.

Downing a Dreamless Sleep Potion, Sirius climbed the stairs to his bedroom, shut the door and promptly fell into oblivion.

It's amazing what money can accomplish in one day, mused a sharply dressed Sirius, as he stepped out of a Saville Row tailors', into the mid-afternoon sun.

Sirius had offered 10 times the asking price for the suit he now wore, along with 9 other suits to be completed by the next day.

At least now he could blend in better amongst the Muggles.

Stepping into an unnoticed alley, he Apparated into his usual lavatory cubicle at the Library, that he had remembered to lock the previous day.

Recognizing good help when he saw it, he approached Athena's desk with an olive branch that he had purchased earlier.

"Good afternoon, miss...?"

"Pearce", she said, eyeing him speculatively.

"Miss Pearce, I'd just like to offer my apologies regarding my behaviour yesterday, and for your kind assistance. My son was fascinated by one of your recommendations." With a flourish, he presented her with a giant, perfect lily, "please, accept this as a peace offering".

Now, Athena had read her fair share of Jane Austen as a teenager; but she was no romantic, and a straightforward person, too. She knew she was attractive enough, but also knew the type of man that would perform such gestures.

"Mr...?"

"Black, but please call me Sirius."

"Fine, Sirius, are you flirting with me?"

For the first time, in a long time, Sirius laughed. A genuine laugh, brought about by such normal an encounter. After all the death and pain he had endured; all the planning and schemes; and all the suffering, such an honest, human encounter was refreshing.

He could feel the mirth throughout his whole body, the opposite of that of a Demontor's presence. The laughter reached even his eyes.

He was enjoying his laughter so much, that he didn't want to let it go; despite that, he forced himself to stop, after noticing the slightly uncomfortable look on Ms Pearce's face.

"Forgive me, but it's been years since someone ever accused me of that, although I would not be unopposed to such an accusation coming from one such as yourself."

What a sweet talker, Athena thought, while cringing at her own inner betrayal.

"But I do confess an ulterior motive for that olive branch", he gestured at the lily that she was now clutching close to her chest with both hands. "You see, I've spent too much time away on business that I've neglected my son. His love of history is an opportunity for me to get closer to him. Especially now, before he leaves again for boarding school. I'm here to learn as much as I can, so that I can find common ground with him."

She couldn't help it, she smiled briefly at him, before her professionalism took over.

"Ah, well then consider the olive branch accepted; and you may call me Athena, but my friends call me Attie. Now, how may I help you?"

And so, for the next two weeks, a strange, yet comfortable routine came to exist between them.

A routine, too, emerged for Sirius.

Mornings were reserved for any activity Harry wanted. This usually consisted of dueling practice in the basement of Grimmauld Place; the sharing of the antics and adventures of the Marauders; or stories of Harry's parents.

Afternoons were for 'research', as Sirius explained cryptically to anyone who asked.

Evenings that, unfortunately, stretched past dinner, were delegated to Order meetings.

Where possible, the time between dinner and bedtime were again devoted to Harry.

Nights, which usually stretched past midnight, was for more time spent on 'research'.

For the next 2 weeks, Sirius was a constant visitor to the Library; and Athena was turning into a veritable font of knowledge.

His readings were both esoteric and in-depth.

His reading spanned from small-arms combat and unconventional warfare to the Scientific Method and Logic.

He paid particular attention to the Vietnam War.

He was surprised to discover that Muggle England was currently engaged in small-scale warfare in what was called 'The Troubles', in Northern Ireland. Again, he studied and devoured their experience.

He read Sun Tze's Art of War.

He took copious amounts of notes (on paper, not parchment, of course), and absorbed all he could.

It was 15 days since that fateful walk out into Muggle London, and Sirius was nursing a Firewhiskey after another pointless Order meeting.

He reflected on the progress he had made on his 'research' thus far.

Throughout the last 15 days, he had also begun to see the links between Wizarding and Muggle warfare.

He respected the Muggles and their ingenuity, he was unashamed to admit that he feared them for it too. And now it was time for the Dark Lord to share that same fear.

It was then that the child, the immature Marauder rose up in him in realisation.

He laughed.

Oh James, you would have been so proud!

He was going to prank Voldemort in most humiliating way possible: he was going to prank him as a Muggle.