Red vs Blue and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. It is itself inspired by Halo, which is owned by Bungie and Microsoft.

Inspired by the season 12 PSA "Match Breaking." Mild spoilers for episode RvB12-11 "Long Time No See."

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"Epsilon, I am not certain this is the most ...efficient use of our time."

"Just finish the bioscan, D. Gamma?"

"Accessing target's employee file. Insurance claim detected."

The world wheeled back into real time.

"Well?" Tucker shouted over the booming music, happily ogling a full-figured clubgoer in orange-accented armor.

"You were right. Syphilis. She's getting it treated—"

"Nah," said Tucker. "Even on the new meds you stay contagious for thirty days."

"I do not want to know how you know that. Look, are you sure we should be here?"

"Hey," snapped Tucker, "you said you'd do anything to make it up to me!"

"I meant like save your life or something."

"Well you're saving my dick."

"Yeah..." said Church, eying a girl in gold, "From warts in that case."

"Weird. She dances funky for a chick with warts. See warts usually make you go more like—" Tucker mimed a hip-heavy slice move. "Chlamydia's more of a—" he began to wave his shoulders up and down like an epileptic marmot.

"Please stop that," said Church.

"How about her?" asked Tucker.

"Gettin' over a yeast infection," said Church.

"Dammit," said Tucker. "Well what about that one? The blonde."

The world froze again, dust motes going still in the sweeping colored light.

"Well, D?"

"Bioscan is clear, but musculature and healed injury patterns indicate an amateur mixed martial artist."

"Hm," Epsilon rubbed his chin.

A small figure materialized at his elbow. "I think he'll be mad at you if you get him beat up."

"Theta, I told you to go to bed early!" snapped Church.

"May I remind you that Theta is a memory of an AI fragment that presented itself as a juvenile and not an actual child."

"I already know where babies come from, and this music is fun."

"All right. All right. Fine."

Theta jumped in place and started dancing along with the booming atmobeat.

"I would argue that an encounter with a female capable of rebuffing Captain Tucker's advances in no uncertain terms might preclude further assignments of this kind."

"Nope. See, Tucker's worked with Tex and Carolina. Nothing scares him off when he thinks he has a shot."

"Except communicable infection, it seems."

"Well he had to have some survival skills." Epsilon wrapped the info session and turned back to Tucker, who was enjoying this whole payback thing far too much.

"What's the verdict?" asked Tucker.

"Disease-free, but she could probably kick your ass."

"Even better! Log off, Church. Well, unless you want a free ticket to the show."

Epsilon smacked a hand over his visor as Tucker strode jauntily toward the bar, where a blonde in peach-colored armor had just ordered another appletini.

"If Captain Tucker's new acquaintance applies a standard sidekick, she has a 22% chance of damaging his AI slot."

"That's where we are!" gasped Theta.

"I hate to say this, but it might be better for our health if Tucker didn't strike out," said Church. "Anyone got any ideas?"

"I know a good pick up line," came a voice.

Epsilon listened skeptically.

"What the hell. Desperate times."

Back in real time, Church projected over Tucker's shoulder. "Hey Tucker. I'm uploading something to your HUD."

"What's this?" Tucker paused as the text scrolled across his field of view. "No way, man! The love doctor writes his own material."

"Does the love doctor have an 82% projected success rate?"

Tucker paused. "Was that 82% in centigrade or decibels?"

"Why not? The second one."

The woman raised an eyebrow.

Tucker leaned in, "Knock knock..."

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Originally posted to Tumblr as Darkfrog24 under the title "Atonement."

drf24 at columbia dot edu