Agent Church

Washington scouted out the entire box canyon, moving quickly and silently. Compared to the missions he'd been on, this outpost was a cakewalk. He almost couldn't believe it. But it was true. He returned to Blue Base without anyone even looking for him, much less seeing him. Washington marched to the main room, expecting the others to be there. "Okay, I'm back. I -" He stopped short as he realized the room was empty. "What the hell?"

"Church! Church!"

Washington turned to see Caboose bounding up to him from the hallway he'd just been in. He held up his hands. "Whoa. I'm not Church, I'm Wash, remember?"

Caboose slowed down and crawled to a stop. He stared for a moment.

Washington realized Caboose had truly been mistaken. He pointed to the yellow stripes. "Wash. Remember? Church doesn't wear yellow stripes on his armor."

"Yes. I remember." Caboose turned around and walked away. His head was down.

Washington didn't know what to do. He couldn't bring Alpha back, and he couldn't help Epsilon, either. Epsilon had to do what he was doing on his own. Washington sighed.

Tucker came up behind him, entering from the other hallway. "Hey, why'd you tell him you weren't Church?"

Washington turned to him. "Because I'm not."

Tucker radiated disapproval. "Dude, not cool."

"What?" Washington protested. "I'm not."

Tucker pointed at him. "But you're wearing his armor. And you have the same kind of voice. To Caboose, that's all there is to a person. It's not fair. It's like you're tricking him on purpose, being the way that you are."

"So I'm supposed to change?"

"No," Tucker said, drawing out the word. His tone became heavily laden with patience, like Washington was brain-dead. Or Caboose. "Next time Caboose calls you 'Church', don't correct him."

"That would be lying to him," Washington said.

"No, you're lying to him every time you're saying you're not Church," Tucker said.

"He can't be that simple," Washington argued.

"Oh, but he is. Trust me." Tucker turned around and left instead of prolonging the conversation.

xXx

Washington grew more frustrated every time Caboose called him Church. Finally, he resorted to camping outside the Blue Base and hoping that Caboose couldn't find him.

But it was like Caboose had his scent. His secret camp in the canyon only lasted three days before Caboose breached it. As soon as he saw the standard issue blue armor color, Washington turned the opposite direction and stared into the distance, trying to make himself as unfriendly as possible. Caboose picked his way along the rocky trail anyway. "Church!"

"Go away," Washington said.

"Church, there you are," Caboose said, walking up to him. It was like Caboose didn't even hear him. "Why did you wander so far away? We have to talk about defeating the Reds."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Washington said heavily. "And I'm not Church."

"I understand now," Caboose said.

Washington turned around quickly. "You do?"

"Yes."

"Thank God," Washington said. "Now we're getting somewhere."

"You don't remember," Caboose said.

Washington wanted to smack his forehead. "No."

Caboose looked at him with a kind of shining innocence, like a child who catches an old fat man wearing red around Christmas and assumes it's Santa Claus. "You're Church. Church, it's me. I'm your best friend, Private Michael J. Caboose. You had an accident. You do not remember."

"I'm not Church," Washington said with frayed patience. "I'm Agent..." Then he remembered what Tucker had said. If I tell him I'm Church this horrible cycle can end? In spite of himself, he found himself saying, "I'm Agent Church."

Caboose cocked his head. "Is that like an alter ego of Church-Church?"

"Yes," Washington said. He felt like the biggest liar in the whole universe. Like there had to be some sign above his head, pointing down at him, declaring him to be a liar. A sign in every language there was.

"I have an alter ego," Caboose said. "He's not very nice."

"Really?" Washington asked, wondering how long this conversation could last. "How is he not very nice?"

"He wants to kill people and stuff," Caboose said.

Washington tensed. He stood perfectly still. "What?"

Caboose didn't seem to sense the endangered reaction. "His name is Michael J. O'Malley. He was a leprechaun."

"Was?" Washington shook. He was holding something inside. He didn't know if it was terror or laughter. On the one hand, being threatened with murder. On the other hand...leprechaun?

"Yes, he's gone now," Caboose said. "He went, away...and, um, Church became my best friend. It was nice. I'm almost glad O'Malley showed up to be evil, because, I think Church saw how good I was by comparison and decided he would rather have me than O'Malley as an enemy. He appreciated me. That's why he made O'Malley go away."

"So you had an alter ego who was an evil leprechaun, that got chased away by Church," Washington said.

"Yes."

Washington stared at him.

"I am sorry you were there to miss him," Caboose said.

"Who?"

"Church," Caboose said.

"Oh. Yeah, me too," Washington said.

"When will the old Church come back, Agent Church?" Caboose asked.

Washington wavered. He bowed his head. "I don't know."

Caboose took this in. There was silence for a couple minutes. Finally, he said, "Agent Church?"

"What is it, Caboose?" Washington asked.

Caboose took a sort of sideways half-step forward and looked at Washington out of the corner of his eye. "Do you feel like the other Church about displays of the, the P-D-A?"

"The PDA?" Washington couldn't help but let out a little laugh in his confusion. "You mean Public Displays of Affection?"

"Yes."

Seeing that Caboose was patiently waiting for his answer, Washington asked, "How did Church feel about PDA?"

Caboose looked away. "Oh, he didn't like it. At all. He, um...He would shout at me to do things like, 'Get the fuck away' and 'Don't touch me', and all that kind of stuff."

"Well, I don't feel that strongly about it," Washington blurted, surprised.

Caboose crossed the space between them so quickly he may as well have had speech enhancers on and tackled Washington in a hug. "I like you, Agent Church."

Washington caught Caboose like a projectile and hung on for dear life. That was the only thing that kept him from falling. Caboose had knocked him off balance, but didn't seem to have that problem. He patted Caboose's back awkwardly. "I like you too. Let's keep it that way. No evil leprechauns named O'Malley."

"He is gone now," Caboose said contentedly. "Just like someday you will be gone and Church-Church will come back." Then he added, "I will miss the hugs."

Washington finally caught on to the fact that Caboose was a very bizarre individual. What was more interesting right now, though, was that he didn't mind as much as he thought he would.