The Extremist

"When life gives you lemons, turn them into a helicopter and fuck the laws of physics."

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This quote is dedicated to a dear friend as the only reason I came up with it was the help if her, an innuendo and a squirrel outside out classroom window.

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"Sup' Bitches." - Normal Conversation

'Howdy.' - Thinking

"Whore." - You can probably guess who...

( O w O )

It was a beautiful and warm, sunny day, and a young, 17 year old girl was was leisurely strolling through an emerald forest with a spring in her step. At the height of 166cm she was nothing special, unless you spotted her revealing clothing and long, white hair. Long and untamed, it bounced at the back of her thighs as she walked and her fringe was flicked back over and around the sides of her head -

"Would you shut the fuck up!?"

Oh, I'm sorry, who shat in your cheerios this morning?

"You don't need to fucking narrate everything I do you stupid whore!"

I'm a man actually...

"Shut. UP!"

Blissful silence echoed throughout the area.

"Nothing could make this situation any worse than it is..." I sighed, slumping a little.

Of course, I took that fucking dare, I had to go into the forest and come out the other side without a map. Yes, I did get lost, and no, they did not come looking for me.

What made it even worse was that I was in Aokigahana Forest, where everyone comitts frickin' suicide, and if you know me (which you don't) then you'd know my pride always wins in situations like these.

It was also drizzling and grey clouds littered the sky.

Whoopdeedoo.

Please note the sarcasm.

I pulled my phone out from between my cleavage to text my best buddy in the whole world called Masato, but found I had no signal. Goddamn karma...

A cold breeze blew and I shivered, now unhappy with my choice of clothing; a black bikini top, leather jacket and black skinnies. The only thing I was glad for was my lace up boots, black just like the rest of my clothing.

'Snnnnnnnrkkkgggg'

"What the fuck was that!" I whipped my head around only to come face to face with man's worst enemy...

A motherfucking deer.

"Guaaaah - !" I recoiled violently, tripping over in the process and smacking my head.

My vision went hazy and the deer became nothing more than a large brown splodge in my vision. I suddenly felt the need to throw up, so I pulled my knees to my chest and put my head between my legs.

I breathed heavily through my nose until the sensation passed and attempted to stand up; failing miserably and huffing in frustration.

'Sssssnnnnnrrrggggggkkkk'

"Fuck off you piece of shit!" A pair of sunglasses was thrown at the deer.

Looking up, I snarled in anger before facepalming as I took in the ridiculous sight of a deer wearing sunglasses.

"You weren't expecting that now, big-chested fleshbag."

"Eeeeeh~?" Such intelligent sounds I make...

"Oh please, I'm in your mind pathetic mortal." The deep voice growled again. "It's obvious you human females are only good for one thing."

Yes. I had a voice inside my fucking head. A very atttactive voice~

"Holy shit, your voice is sexy."

Aaah brain, you always speak before you think don't you...

"You are a unusual female." It replied slowly.

"And you're tellin' me." I rolled my green eyes.

"Silence you worthless female! I refuse to be sharing my mind with one who gives up so easily, let alone a woman." He spat furiously.

"I do not give up!" Kicking my bacpack into the deer who refused to move and insisted on giving me evils, I scooped it up and trudged deeper into the forest with hooves hot on my heels.

"Who even are you?" I commented dully, popping a cigarette between my lips and rumaging around my pockets for a lighter.

"How dare you address me with such informal language you mortal piece of shit! I am the - "

I cut him off. "I don't need a fucking speech, geez..."

Grinning at my newly found lighter, I cupped the end of the cigarette and lit it, sucking in a lungful for noxious chemicals with relish.

"Watch you tongue you little fucker, I'm not called Satan for nothing!"

Laughter errupted from my mouth.

"Nyahahaaa~! Satan!? Pfffft - " Oh god I thought I would fucking die from laughter, I've never laughed so hard in my life!

"SHUT UP YOU PATHETIC WOMAN! I AM SATAN AND I SHALL PROVE IT! Be glad I am not punishing you for your insolence, because you are to be my next vessel!"

I bent over and used the deer's shoulder as support (Why the fuck was it still here in the first place?), clutching my stomach as I giggled manically.

"Hmpf, should have guessed you would be so stubborn, pathetic woman." 'Satan' noted. "I suppose I should change that..."

The sound of fingers snapping was heard.

Thunder boomed menacingly overhead and rain poured down, drenching my thin clothes. The ground shook violently and I clung to the deer in hope of surviving what would come my way.

"What the fuck did you DO!?" I shrieked against the howling wind.

"Nothing~" The man stated innocently.

Right next to me, the ground was ripped open and a swirling blue and black portal filled with heads was revealed.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING 'NOTHING' YOU LYING PRICK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

"Oh, this?" He asked mischeviously. "I'm just sending you to a different... place."

I shivered as I could feel the corners of his lips curling with mirth.

"Hm, now what's that phrase you humans used to use?" A finger tapped against his chin. "Ah yes, Toodle pips~!"

The ground gave way and I was thrown into the abyss.

'Fucking deer...' Was my last conscious thought.

( O w O )

Waking up was never a good experience most days, but I had a feeling this one would be a helluva lot different from the rest.

"Oh my, my~" A voice mused. "Well, this is unexpected..."

I froze as I realised who's voice that actually was.

It couldn't be though! He was an anime character though... right? My sense of reality was seriously screwed up after I was dumped into that creepy-ass portal by the biggest asshole on earth.

I slowly opened my right eye and hoped I was not dreaming.

"Ah, she wakes does she?" The voice chuckled and I became extremely aware of the fact I was resting in someone's arms and a warm chest, mhmm~

My eyes shot open to be greeted with the best sight I've ever been greeted with in my entire fucking life.

Mephisto Pheles. And these eyes don't lie bitches.

Tri-tone purple hair and enerald eyes, decked out in a pair of white shorts and suit jacket with a red shirt. Under his shorts were striped pink tights, maroon boots and to top it all off was a flapping white mantle and signature top hat.

"Are you really fangirling over my son you crazy woman?" I internally groaned at the reappearance of the Jackass.

'Yes, he is by far the most badass of all your runts.'

"Don't let them hear you say that." He chided. "If my youngest heard you I think he might actually eat you..."

I visibly paled before realising I hadn't said anything to the top-hat wearing demon who's lap I was sat upon.

And of course, I spoke without thinking.

"Uuuughhh - Oh, uh - Howdy."

Satan slammed a palm into his forehead and somewhere, a bunny died.

I blushed faintly in embarrassment as a thin purple eyebrown was raised.

"Pleasure to meet you too dear." He purred, and I cringed away as a rather sharp smile curled around his lips. "Now, mind telling me why you fell out of the sky?"

I went all kinds of shades of red and giggled nervously.

"Uuuuh... Geez, I don't think I should say anything cause' I'd rather not say anything that might get me sent to a mental asylum - "

"Oh no, I insist."

I gulped nervously.

"Seriously, GROW A PAIR you little bitch! You told me you found my voice appealing and you had the balls to shout at me and now you can talk to him!"

'But he's Samael! How the fuck do you expect - '

"Look, if it's any consolation, I find your breasts very attractive."

Curses you cruel gods for my strategically well-placed bits of fat!

Someplace high above the earth, God sneezed.

'...Thanks Satan.'

"Don't mention it."

Attempting to keep my face from warping into the ugliest expression in existance I decided it would probably be best if I just told the (minimal) truth.

"I may or may not have just fallen out the goddamn sky because Sa - some moron decided to teleport me here."

Green orbs danced with mirth at my sentence and his smile grew to inhuman proportions. "How... facinating."

I stifled a deranged giggle at my current predicament. "Aaaaand - I kinda' have guy inside my head who refuses to shut up."

"HEY."

A gloved purple hand came up to rest upon his lower lip. "Quite the situation you're in at the moment, ne?"

Yes, despite his utter creepiness I found him extremely attractive. I had an image of my gay friend, Masato, cupping his cheeks and blushing while saying, 'he's so dreamy!' in my mind.

Being the closet pervert I was, I could image Mephisto holding me down and -

"SWEET FUCKING LORD, DON'T GIVE ME THOSE IMAGES YOU SICK WOMAN!"

I nearly slapped my hands over my ears as his voice actually hurt my hearing and left my ears ringing. Perhaps it was best to keep those thoughts to myself in the future.

"He is also a massive bitch with a pole up his - " I continued without thinking

"HOW DARE YOU - "

"A. Whiny. Little. Bitch. With " I bit out angrily.

Mephisto was quiet for a moment and I took this moment to gaze dreamily at him for a moment.

Satan spoke once again. "Are - are you drooling?"

I practically punched myself in the face as I wiped away whatever was on my chin.

"Uhh - Who are you again?" I asked hesitantly, fighting to keep the blush off my cheeks.

"Oh how rude of me!" The headmaster gasped, standing up and setting me down carefully. "Johann Faust the Fifth, or rather, Mephisto Pheles! I run this marvellous school you see in front of you!"

Whipping off his top hat, he bowed low with an arm across his waist and glanced up at me slyly. I was forced to step back to avoid his hat and I glared at him. He was seriously tall though, even in a bow his head came to my chest.

'If he's so tall why does he wear heels?' I asked the demon inside of my head curiously.

Satan sighed. "Beats me. The kid was always pretty quirky, even when he was a brat..."

A lightbulb pinged inside of my head and a evil idea came to my mind.

'Do you think you could help me with possible... blackmail material?' I sounded so evil, so deviant at that moment in time! Maybe I was an evil mastermind in the making!

"Fuck no."

'You sleazy whore.'

"Oooo, how naughty! I might have to discipline you if you continue to act this way." Satan purred.

Mephisto suddenly snapped upright, flicking my nose with that motherfucking awesome haircurl of his. "Isn't it common courtesy to give you own name after someone has told you theirs? I'd love to know the name of such a lovely woman~"

Refusing to acknowledge the utter wrongness of the Devil's previous statement, I put on my signature crooked grin and spoke with all the confidence the universe had to offer.

"The name's Kirigiri Kurokawa but my friends call me Kiri."

Ooooh damn girl, I sounded so badass. With my swag and shit -

"Shut the fuck up woman."

Well excuuuuse me!

"Kukukuku~ Well my lady, how about you and I head up to my office so I can get you sorted out?"

"He wants to bang you." Satan deadpanned.

'Part of my mind just got raped and died.'

"Don't act like you don't want him to rape you bitch."

'Well maybe I do!' My hand came up to descretely cover my nose and prevent blood from going every where. 'Oooooooh! He'd be so rough~ I bet he would - '

"NO. NO, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE PICTURE THAT!" Screaming was heard. "OH GOD YOU SICK BITCH - !"

Snorting in a very unladylike way, I followed the sharp-dressed principle.

"Something the matter Miss Kurokawa?" Mephisto inquired, amused.

"Oh nothing at all Mr. Pheles!" I said sweetly. "Heeeyyyy, mind if I try your top hat?"

A odd look was thrown my way.

"If that's what you desire my dear!"

Top hat in place, I swaggered through True Cross Academy with the biggest smile the earth has ever seen.

'Kaa-chan always said I was such a treasure - "

"Why the fuck didn't they bury you...?"

( O w O )

When I re-read this I questioned my own sanity, but... meh, who cares? Cause' I fucking don't! Oh! Also, feel free to review, favourite and follow m'dears~!

Toodle pips,

Faust