A series of relatively fortunate events

Chapter One: Avoiding one disaster (and making a new one)

Stiles Stilinski, an eighteen year old freshman in college, is currently experiencing a relatively good-sized problem. The kind of problem one only really sees in romantic comedies. Hell, he got the idea from said romantic comedies. You see, in his eighteen years of life Stiles has never dated. Not once. No movie night, no mutual flirting, no first kiss, and definitely no sex. It's driving him insane. Hell, it's driving his father insane.

Which leads us to his current problem. His father, the esteemed sheriff of his home town Beacon Hills, called him last night. That in itself is no horrifying thing, he calls every night actually, but last night he was treading on dangerous territory; Stiles' dating life. It happens sometimes, his father will ask all about how painfully single Stiles is, before assuring him he will meet the right person someday.

Last night, however, was much less hands-off on his father's part. The topic started with his father mentioning a cute daughter of a co-worker, went to Stiles lying about dating someone, and somehow ended with his dad deciding he wants to meet said person. Next week. Stiles has two days to find someone or change his name and move to Mexico.

He's thinking Miguel might be a good new name. It sounds sexy. He could be sexy.

However, before he changes his name and runs for the border, he has to settle his affairs with his best friend. A man has his priorities, and a best friend since second grade is definitely one of them.

"Scott!" Stiles exclaims, running into the coffee shop Scott is working at. "How long until you are done?" He asks, leaning over the counter to talk to his friend who is currently making someone a wicked delicious looking hot chocolate.

"Stiles." The all-too familiar voice of Derek Hale, the man who co-owns this shop with his two sisters, calls. "We've talked about you bugging him while at work. He'll be off in twenty minutes."

Stiles lets out an annoyed groan. The Hale family isn't the most emotionally stable group, but they are all shockingly warm and welcoming to the customers. Even Derek. In fact, there is only one person Derek can't even fake kindness with and that would be Stiles. While others get a warm, albeit fake, smile from the man when they come in Stiles only gets a heated glare and some customer friendly way of saying 'get out of my shop'.

Scott and Derek don't get along either, but Derek is at least civil with him since they work together. Stiles gets no such consideration. However, they are both relatively mature sometimes, and can behave as such in public. So rather than get bitchy with Derek, Stiles flashes him a lovely fake smile and tries not to sound like he hates everything that is Derek Hale when he says 'I'll just get out of your way then'.

But of course he doesn't leave. Derek knows he isn't leaving, he never does. So rather than expecting the boy to do what he wants for once, he simply places Stiles' usual order, that he started on as soon as the boy came in, at his usual table and goes back to work. It would be sweet if it was literally anyone else on the planet doing it. Or if there wasn't a perpetual aura of annoyance surrounding Derek as he did it.

Stiles isn't going to complain though, because while Scott is pretty good at making his coffee, Derek is amazing at it. It's one of the two things Derek excels at; brooding and coffee.

"Pissing off Derek again, I see." Erica, a blonde that also works at the coffee shop, teases Stiles.

"Yeah, well, when you are good at something, you should do it often and without regret." He says, pulling out his laptop and getting settled.

"You seem a bit on edge today." Erica observes, leaning against his table, "Wanna share with the class?" Stiles frowns and contemplates telling her, but before he can Scott plops down across from him.

"So what's up?" Scott asks, Erica not budging until Derek orders her to get back to work a moment later.

"Well, Scott…I have a favor to ask."Stiles begins, speaking quietly in hopes of no one else hearing them, "You see…dad called last night…and wanted to set me up with someone." He explains and Scott winces, "Right? Parent set-ups are never good. So to avoid that I told him I was dating someone…which made him all excited and now he wants to come up for a week meet them! I need someone to date me! Even if it's not real!"

Derek laughs from the nearby counter and Stiles shoots him a look that does nothing to make him stop. "That's a new level of pathetic. Even for you."

"This conversation has nothing to do with you. Go away." Stiles bites out, he is way too on edge for Derek right now.

"Well, actually…" Scott begins, pulling their attention from each other, "Maybe it does…"

Stiles eyes widen, knowing exactly where this is going, "Scott…Scott no."

"Derek owes me a favor." Scott says and Derek tenses up.

"Scott, don't you dare." He warns.

"You had me take Isaac in for a week, remember that? Granted, we became great friends after that, but you made me take in some kid I didn't know for a whole week when I first started working here. You promised to pay me back." Scott explains, "I am simply cashing in that favor."

"Dear god no, Scott, think of me!" Stiles whines, "Derek hates me, and I hate him, we can't pull it off!"

Derek remains silent for a few moments, obviously annoyed with the whole idea. "I'll do it." He finally says and Stiles almost falls out of his seat.

"With certain ground rules!" Stiles relents as he tries to regain his balance, "No sex, I cannot stress enough how much sex we will not be having."

Derek scoffs, "As if I would ever touch you."

"You will have to kiss, no doubt." Erica says, coming up beside Derek at the counter.

"Oh my god." Stiles groans, slamming his head on the table. "I can't do this. I should just tell him and go out with this girl. Bite the bullet as it were."

Scott shrugs, looking at him curiously, "Who is this girl?"

"Leanne…Winters?" Stiles mumbles and Scott's jaw drops. Literally, drops. That's not promising.

"Oh god, Stiles, just date Derek. Really the better of the two." Scott suggests, "Seriously, this girl is known for stalking guys. You know how many guys at our school were terrified of her? I'm surprised your dad is allowing this, she must have restraining orders out on her."

"Oh my god." Stiles breathes out, horrified. Are these seriously his choices? Maybe his father won't make him go? Oh who is he kidding of course his father would. It would be 'rude' not to go. That's why he lied about the whole dating someone thing anyways!

"Looks like Derek's your man~!" Erica teases, grinning and taking way too much joy out of this. Seriously, weren't they supposed to be friends? Or at the very least acquaintances that didn't laugh at each other's pain.

"Don't ever say that again." Derek practically growls out, making her laugh as she heads to the back.

"Treat him right, Derek! He's the best you'll ever have!" Erica calls out, making Stiles snicker, "And the only you'll ever have, Stiles!" She adds, making the teen choke on his drink.

"She has a point," Derek smirks, "About you at least."

"Not cool," Stiles huffs and looks to Scott, "Why did you even have to take in Isaac?" he asks before realizing something, "Oh hey! He owes you too, right? Why can't it be him? Isaac and I get along much better."

"My uncle was over that week, he scared Isaac. Whom you're not dragging into this." Derek says firmly and Stiles must admit, him being protective of the boy his family basically adopted is pretty damn attract-admirable. Definitely just admirable. Nothing else.

"Fair enough." Stiles relents. Isaac is still young anyways and they all admittedly feel a bit protective of him since earlier this semester when they found out his dad had been beating him before he ran to the Hale house. So yeah, okay, he's out, and neither of the Hale girls would agree to it so Derek it is. It's truly sad he has to go through all this trouble for a date. Even just a fake one. "Ugh, when did my life get so pathetic?" He groans to himself.

"I'm assuming from the day you were born." Derek mocks before going up to their table and grabbing their empty drinks to refill them. Say what you will about the jackass, he is good at his job.

"You know my dad wont like the constant abuse you give me!" Stiles calls after him, "Better be nicer to your man, hotcakes." He adds, watching as Derek drops the mugs in shock. "…Uh-oh."

"You," Derek begins, turning and pointing at Stiles as he tries to disappear in his seat, "Are paying for that."

Stiles lets out an indignant noise before shrinking under Derek's glare, "Okay, okay, I'll pay for it."

"So…um…when is he coming?" Scott asks; trying to cut the tension, bless him.

"Well, he's coming…in a few hours…." Stiles admits and Scott raises a brow.

"Well thanks for giving everyone a heads up." Scott sighs.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't given much either." Stiles huffs, looking to Derek, "Hear that, Derek? You have to learn to love me in the next couple of hours!" He calls and Derek rolls his eyes.

"A lifetime wouldn't be enough to make me love you." His voice is gruff, clearly annoyed with all of this- like Stiles isn't?- and feeling put out. Which, okay, he is being put out. That doesn't mean he has to be such a jerk about it though.

"Ouch, shnukums, don't be so cold." Stiles mocks, watching the color leave Derek's face again. Hey, at least that's something that will keep him amused this week.

"Don't. Do. That." Derek orders, "We aren't going to be that kind of…couple." He says with a pained expression, as if the last word leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Fair enough.

"No pet names, no touching, we're going to be the most boring couple in the history of the world." Stiles muses, propping his elbow up on the table and leaning his chin into his hand, "This is going to suck." He sighs, sharing a look of mutual disdain with Derek.

"Maybe next time you will grow a pair and just tell your dad 'no'." Derek offers, "Have him meet us here. I haven't seen, nor want to see, your place."

"Not the nesting type?" Stiles asks, his lips twisting up as he takes a sick sort of pleasure in the man's aggravation.

"Not the Stiles type." Derek corrects, watching a frown quickly drop onto Stiles' face.

"Now, now boys. That is no way to speak to your boyfriend!" Erica chides, earning her a glare from both of them.

"Go away Erica!" They yell in unison, making her laugh and disappear again.

A/N So this is a story I started like literally a year ago (seriously it was august 18th last year) and was just inspired to resume. So, yeah, I WILL NOT ABANDON IT I HAVE MATURED I CAN TOTALLY WRITE ROMANCE BETWEEN THESE WONDERFUL DORKS.