Zaeed's feet felt as heavy as his heart as he trudged through the CIC, head low. Luckily most people were still in their bunks and the few staff manning the essential ship's functions gave him no more than a cursory glance. Unfortunately for him, the easy exit he was hoping for was scuppered as he reached the bridge.

Joker had spun his chair around to watch Zaeed's approach, and by the look on his face he had something to say. Zaeed sighed. Damn that pilot, it's like he never sleeps.

"Whatever it is, Joker, I don't want to hear it," he said, hefting his bag higher on to his shoulder and heading towards the airlock.

"EDI, lock down the ship," Joker said, a smirk on his face as the AI responded in the affirmative. "Guess you're not going anywhere until I've said my piece."

"This is none of your goddamn business. Now open the fucking door."

Joker shook his head. "You might not realise this, Massani, but I have access to all public areas of the ship so I know what's going on, and I'm making it my business. Shepard fucking died for me, she's the only person outside my own family that I give a damn about and I won't just sit back and watch you screw her over. She deserves better than that."

"You don't have to tell me what she deserves, Moreau. That's precisely why I'm leaving," Zaeed said, feeling his fists bunching. "Now get out of my way, I'm not above punching a cripple."

"Oooh, I'm scared," Joker said, batting his eyelashes ridiculously. "Seriously, man, I don't know who you're trying to fool with that line. I might not like people much, but I know 'em, and I know exactly why you're leaving."

"You don't know a fucking thing."

"Oh, don't I?" Joker got out of his chair and walked right up to Zaeed, pulling himself as tall as he could to look the mercenary in the eye. "You're fucking scared, Massani. For such a big guy, you're a pretty major coward, huh? Tell you something, you've totally misunderstood Shepard. And I thought I was clueless about women."

Zaeed dug his fingernails into his palms, his jaw clenching so hard that his chin wobbled. He really didn't want to hit the pilot, but he was finding it more and more difficult to hold himself back.

Joker let out a breath and shook his head. "She fucking cares about you, man. I have no idea why, but she does. I've known her long enough to know she doesn't just do casual stuff. Might have been just a fuck to you, but don't even try to convince yourself it was the same for her."

"What do you know about any of it? You weren't there."

"I don't need to be. And you know something? I don't think it was just a fuck for you either."

Zaeed felt his stomach flip and inhaled sharply. "And what if it was? What if I was just a bit sick of my own company, fancied a quick one with a real woman?"

"Then you would've picked someone up in Purgatory, or some other place," Joker said. "You wouldn't have gone for Shepard."

Zaeed was silent, glaring at the pilot. Joker was unperturbed, and continued with his diatribe.

"You know, if Shepard wants you, it's because she likes you. She doesn't give a shit what anyone else might think. Just 'cause your face is fucked up, don't think it means she thinks of you as anything other than a man – a man she wants, for fucks sake. You know how many men would kill to be in your position?"

Zaeed chuckled bitterly. "Jealous, are you?"

"Don't fucking try to derail me," Joker said angrily. "Great thing about Shepard is that she always sees the best in people. I should fucking know, how many people d'you reckon see me as some kind of sympathy case? Not her. Just a damn shame people don't seem to treat her with the same kind of respect."

"I never made any promises to anyone, and I don't need a fucking lecture from you about my social skills," Zaeed said irritably.

Joker rolled his eyes. "What I'm trying to say, Massani, is that you can hide behind your scars and use them as an excuse to run away from people all you like, but just so you know, to those who really matter, it doesn't matter. It's only you who ends up miserable. You know, just 'cause you're not some perfect poster-boy it doesn't make you any less of a person. Took me over twenty years to learn that for myself. Don't waste any more time, Zaeed, just 'cause you're shitting yourself silly over what people are gonna think about you and Shepard."

"Doesn't fucking matter anyway, Moreau. Got nothing left to waste. Think it's pretty clear I'm not welcome here any more, even if I wanted to stay. So can you just open the goddamn door?"

"No."

Zaeed grabbed Joker by the shoulders, none too gently. "Goddamn you, if you don't open that door right now..."

"I do that and you'll float away into the atmosphere," Joker's voice was irritatingly smug. "Guess you didn't notice we finished fuelling and left?"

"Fuck!" Zaeed shoved the pilot away and tore at his hair as he paced back and forth.

"Guess you're just gonna have to grow a pair, huh, Zaeed?"

"What makes you think I won't just get off wherever we stop next?"

"Because, genius, we're headed to a dilapidated Reaper, not a planet. Doubt you'd get far."

Zaeed felt his heart sink. Why did everyone on this ship feel the need to lecture him about Shepard? Sure, he knew they cared about her – who didn't – but he was sick to death of being told what to do and how to feel. Truth was, even if he did slightly regret his impulsive decision to leave, he'd blown it with Shepard once and for all. She wasn't going to want to see his face at the mess table the next morning, and he didn't want to have to follow her in battle, watching her graceful body and her precise movements, all the while knowing what he had done and what he had lost.

He knew he couldn't simply walk away and forget about her, either. Every time he closed his eyes he would see her, lying on her back, naked and smiling with her long honey-gold hair fanned out across the pillows. He remembered the softness of her curves over hard muscles, the location of the faint scars that ran silvery across her tan skin, the way she tasted. The expression in her eyes when she looked at him, as if he was the lover she had always waited for.

No, there was no forgetting any of that, and he knew that no matter how far he ran he would take her with him.

He sank down into the co-pilot's chair with a sigh. "I'm so fucking stupid."

Joker looked at him sideways. "You can say that again."

"Christ," Zaeed said, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands. "What am I supposed to do now, eh?"

"You're hardly consulting the oracle here, Zaeed, gotta say," Joker said. "All I can suggest is go talk to her."

"Yeah, maybe," Zaeed said, feeling dread lying heavy in the pit of his stomach like a stone. Talking had never been his strong point.

Unsurprisingly, Shepard didn't choose him for the next mission. He didn't even know if she was aware that he was still on board. He hated being left behind; not only did he get bored easily, but he also worried what might be happening to Shepard while she was away. It always seemed as if time stood still until he knew she was safely back on the ship.

This time, the mission seemed to go smoothly. The IFF device that they had sought from the derelict Reaper was intact and had been retrieved, along with what appeared to be a Geth unit. EDI was working on installing the IFF into the Normandy in preparation for the long-awaited trip through the Omega-4 relay. The geth had been stored in the AI core.

Zaeed was in the mess hall when the commander walked past, focused on the medbay.

"Shepard," he said, his voice just loud enough to stop her in her tracks.

"I thought I told you to go," she said without looking at him, all anger gone from her voice. She sounded tired, he thought.

"Yeah, well," he said, hesitantly, "there was something I had to tell you first."

"Go on then," she said, "I'm listening."

Zaeed glanced around the room. Rupert was wiping down the kitchen counters, clearly pretending that he wasn't straining his ears to hear them. A few other officers were dotted around the room, most involved in their own conversations, but this was hardly private.

"Look, can I talk to you somewhere quiet," he said. "Would rather everyone not know my business, Shepard."

"If you've got something to say to me, Zaeed, you can say it right here," Shepard said, sitting down in the seat opposite his and looking him directly in the eye.

"Goddamn it," Zaeed muttered, feeling his throat constricting. He knew he owed this much to her, though, after what he had done.

"Shepard… this isn't easy for me," he said, knowing that it was all too painfully obvious that he was stumbling over his words. "I just want you to know that I never meant any of that stuff I said the other night. Guess I just panicked, couldn't quite handle what happened. Not something I'm good at, you know. I feel like the biggest shit about it all. I'm sorry, Shepard. If I could take it back, I would."

Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"So you should, Zaeed. It was a shitty thing to do, and I don't know if I can ever really forgive you for it. You know, I thought we had something. Tore me up a bit that you weren't the man I thought you were," she said, bitterly. "But even so, I'm glad you're here as it's gonna be all hands on deck for the Omega run. So I accept your apology."

Zaeed let out the breath he had not realised he had been holding. "Won't happen again, Shepard, I promise."

"You won't get the chance to do that to me again, Zaeed," she said, sadly. "Now, you want to see what happens when I activate this geth?"

"Heh. Why not," he said, relieved that he was still aboard and she was talking to him. Damn if it wouldn't be difficult to be around her and not picture what she looked like writhing beneath him or to remember how she sounded when she came. Still, they had been friends before – perhaps they could be again.