Author: I don't own this silly.

And I know, I know, I really should be working on my other exalted crossover. Problem was when I tried to write it I realized it was going to take some odd 50 to 70k words just to get to the actual exaltation and maybe get through the first arc. And I thought, honestly, if it was going to take that long just to get to him exalting what was I going to do for the rest of the fic? This isn't including all the disruptions from family and school life that got underfoot.

So until I can figure out how to work that fic to satisfaction, have some more humorous Issei fiction to tide you over.

~Chapter 1~

In hindsight, maybe Issei should have been suspicious when the superbly pretty girl asked him out for a date. That's, err, not to say he isn't an amazingly handsome young man in the prime of his life. But, really, he should have been suspicious when a school girl with that kind of body had confessed to him.

'Please die for me' Really? That's too much to ask for!

"Um, that is…what?" Issei stuck a pinky in his ear and wiggled, trying to clean it out. "Sorry Yuuma-chan, can you repeat that?"

She stepped forward and leaned in, bringing her lips to his ear. "Can you die fo-Guh?!"

One solid punch to the stomach confirmed! Issei grabbed her head with both hands and delivered a following knee to the face, sending the woman back. The sputtered around in a daze with a bit of blood spilling from her nose.

"Gah…" She ran an arm across her face to try and get the blood off. She only smudged more of it across her face. "You son of a bi-!"

Issei decked her in the face hard. Caught off balance, the woman was sent flying to the ground. She was swearing up a storm.

Not that Issei heard. He'd turned on his heels and ran.

"Help! My crazy girlfriend's trying to be a yandere!" Issei screamed, pumping his arms and legs as hard as he could. One would think that a man of peeping leisure such as he wouldn't be able in such top physical shape. One wouldn't know just how far an angry woman could chase you to achieve vengeance for heinous crimes (of peeping).

And, as if like magic, actually scratch that it'd only be possible with magic, a spear of searing red light shot past him. It hadn't quite hit him. The damage was a nicked to the side at best – probably on the level of toe stubbing. Issei hissed, stopping to grab his side and turned his head around to look at his attacker.

She was standing there with a face covered in blood and another light spear reared back.

Seriously? "That's not fair at all", was the first words, out of the infinite amount of things he could have said, that came out of his mouth at the sight. His Ex-girlfriend was a magical girl?

That was kind of hot.

Another spear and an inhuman scream of promised murder had sent the teenager back on the run.

Darkness crept over the horizon and blacked out the evening light. Static like purple and green tangles covered the area now. Yet somehow he was still able to see almost as well as he had before. It arched overhead and locked it-self down over the park, as Issei came to realize when he ran face first into the magic and was bounced right off.

"Solid? Huh." He tilted his head out of the way of an incoming light spear after hearing the screaming. It'd been about ten minutes since the chase started. At first he'd been scared out of his mind that he was getting magic shot at him. After the first two minutes of experiencing his hurt girlfriend fumble around with her blasts made him realize that she wasn't particularly accurate with her throws.

Then she finally got the blood out of her eyes and her shots got accurate fast.

…At least until he started making comments about her body. Specifically her rear; Yuuma had mentioned during their date that she was worried about her weight. Turns out that was a real insecurity of hers.

Who'd ever thought that calling a woman a fatass would save him one day?

"Hey Anal-chan," Issei turned to look at his deranged Ex with his new pet name for her. It looked like she'd managed to get most of the blood off her face by this point. And got a change of clothing, apparently, as her white blouse and plaid blue skirt had been replaced with what could only be described as a strap of black clothe and thong combo in thigh highs. She looked kind of like a stripper, really. Also, she spontaneously gained wings. Guess that ruled out actual flight magic.

"Stop it! Stop calling me that!" Another blast of light that Issei had stepped out of the way of, letting it smack into the barrier. She was steaming from his childish name calling. It was almost cute how much she'd lost her cool.

Issei spared a glance at the barrier. It continued its weird static wiggling nonplused. He frowned. Guess those spears didn't do enough damage to get a crack in its defense.

As he examined the barrier, Yuuma had landed on the ground with a solemn click of her heels. With a look the teenager could see that the angel (?) woman had another spear in her hand with her face twisted up something fierce.

Issei blinked. Now why would she think that was a great idea? She had air superiority. He could do anything to retaliate as long as she was up there, unless…realization dawned on Issei, who hit his hand down into an opened palm. "Oh! I see now. Your aim's been terrible because you were flying!" The difficulty spiked on trying to hit something while both you and it were in movement. Like horseback archery.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" She was trembling now. Her hand tightened around the spear.

"Problem, Anal-chan?" Issei inquired innocently, "I was only telling the truth…"

"Just die already!" She hurled the blazing spear and, horrifyingly, it was more accurate than before. It was good enough that Issei hadn't escaped it entirely, taking a good scrape out of his other side. His hiss was louder than before and the boy winced in pain. He looked at Yumma in fear once more.

Before she was struggling to even get within his bodily space with her spears; now the angel (?) had him on even ground, with his back to some magical barrier that he didn't know how to get past. Issei would need to think quickly if he wanted to survive this.

Yuuma had a predator's smile, wide lipped and teeth clenched. She'd finally caught him between a rock and a hard place, and the angel (?) knew it. "I'm going to kill you slowly," she announced, eyes dilated. "It was going to be quick before but now…now! Now I'm going to take my time! When they find your wretched corpse on the ground they won't even be able to recognize your mis-"

"Yuuma Amano!" Issei called out her name with a raised voice. His expression was completely serious, "I challenge you to a stripper battle!"

Issei started to move his body. He breathed out a slick techno beat and shifted his weight. The teenager's hands lifted up to grab his collar and started peeling the jacket off of him-self to the rhythm. Yuuma just stared at the boy in disbelief with her lips twitching. Like she was trying to say something about this absurd situation but couldn't actually manage it.

"What," The angel (?) finally spitted before Issei's jacket smacked into her head. She'd managed to tear off the makeshift projectile just in time to get a punch to the face.

She reared back in pain and screamed, while Issei slipped into the foliage of the forest and not believing that actually worked. A spear had been thrown in his general direction, and found it-self lodged harmlessly against the coverage.

It had been a good twenty something minutes since he slipped her trail, according to his smart phone. It'd been spent mostly in silence, save for the occasional loud curse let off in the far distance. He dare not move from his comfortable hiding place between some trees and bushes.

When he heard approaching, however, the young man had considered that maybe it hadn't been the best idea to just sit around when a crazed angel (?) killer had been hunting him.

"I'm gonnash kills him!" That one sounded like Yuumas, only more obnoxious and with a slur. She was probably nursing that nose slash face of hers by this point.

"Yes, lady Raynare. Of course, lady Raynare. We're always at your disposal to clean up your magnificent failures." This one sounded male and dapper. He imagined the man with a fedora and long jacket with an air of swearing sophistication. Or a guy in a suit and top hat with a handle bar mustache. And a monocle. You can't forget the monocle.

"Shush ups! Ish not my faulsh!"

" 'Not your fault'? You had one job, Raynare. One job! You couldn't even do that right without fucking it up!"

"Shush up! Find himsh! I dons care hows you do ish! Jush do ish!"

Sounded like dissention in the ranks. Issei grinned. That would certainly help him survive. Then he heard a rustle from the tree's above and turned around to look right at the…gothic Lolita? The blond pony-tailed teenager looked down at him with a sadistic glee. If there hadn't been that weird purple-green static string barrier up he'd have imagined that she'd have been backed up with some silver illumination from the moon to give her some angelic glow.

It was then and there that Issei realize something.

Her skirt was doing nothing for covering her unmentionables. Blue and white stripes. He could die happy now.

"You know," The angel (?) gave him a look over, "you're kinda cute."

"Really?" Issei asked eagerly, eyes lighting up.

"Yeah," A pink light spear appeared in her hands, "Not cute enough to spare, though. Sowwy~"

A few blasts later and Issei was running out of the foliage, various leafs and sticks sticking out of his shirt. The angel (?) was hot on his tail, crackling and throwing spears at the young man.

"Squeal, piggy!" She yelled. It seemed like the angel (?) hadn't been interested in killing the young man just yet; she wanted to get a rise out of him first. So Issei did the only thing a man secure in his manhood could do: scream like a little girl.

The spears tore through his clothing as he ran down the stone pathway, gothic lolita giggling mad behind him. "Ahaha! Ahhh~! I love your screams~!" She announced, floating and fluttering through the air in ecstasy while tossing the projectiles at him.

"Dish you finds hish!?" Called his personal angel (?) of vengeance. Any question of how far she'd been from him had been answered by a clumsy spear of light landing a solid three feet in front of him and a curse flung in his general direction.

Issei hadn't bothered to look behind him, knowing full well that he had at least two on his tail. And when the third one had appeared in front of him, some woman in a low-cut mini skirt dress with an absurd collar holding a yellow spear, the teenager had brought his running to a halt…right back in front of the fountain.

"Final confrontation times, is it?" Issei noted and scowled. Really? Couldn't this have been handled in a different location? Something more dramatic? Like a dungeon or the top of a skyscraper or, hell, even a church. They looked vaguely angelic enough for it to be legit.

The other two women touched down, or rather one did and the other hovered in place, legs crossed and chins supported on steeped hands. Said angel (?) was still giggling to her-self, with the other holding a deranged expression on her face. Moments later their male joined up. Issei noted the fedora and long-coat combo. He mentally marked off his correct guess.

"Finshly…" Yuuma or Raynare, whatever she was going by, lifted up her red spear. "Thish ish it for ush!"

"A question, before she kills you." The man in the back spoke up. He was smirking. "Just want did you do to get her so riled up?"

"I dumped her." Issei said instantly. It was true, technically. Nothing says we're through like a face punch.

The male angel (?) broke out into a snicker, lifting a hand up to try and cover his laughter. The gothic girl openly crackled. The other angel (?) didn't show any particular emote over the statement. She seemed like the quiet, sexy brooding type.

"Silish!" She sliced her hand through the air with dramatic flair, which was lost in its entirety with her terrible slurring. "Hish didn't dumpsh me!"

"And she can't even accept it too, no matter how much I tell her we're done," Issei sighed exasperatedly, like a man that had to deal with a stalking ex that just couldn't let go. He gave the man a look and shrugged helplessly. "What's a man to do?"

"I completely understand." The man nodded sagely, than ducked to avoid the red spear thrown at his head. He grinned harder.

"Hmm, are you sure it was just that?" The Lolita piped up and tilted her head to the side.

Issei stroked his chin in fake contemplation, "Maybe Anal-chan is still butthurt over losing our stripper battle?"

The Lolita perked up. "Your what?"

The stoic beauty spoke up. " 'Anal-chan?' "

"Nosh! Stupsh calling me thash!" Yuuma gave a full round of glares to everyone in the general vicinity but gave an extra special one to the statue beauty. "And I dish loosh!"

"So you did have a stripper battle!" The gothic girl's face lit up in glee. She was crackling like a hyena. The man had forgone even trying to hide his laughter. He even got that sexy quiet girl to crack a smile. Score!

"But its okay, Anal-chan." Issei waggled his finger at her, smirking. "I'm willing to give you a second chance. In fact," Issei extended his arms out, "I challenge everyone to a stripper battle!"

There was a silence brought to the clearing. It made Issei nervous. Maybe he'd gone overboard on the jokes? He might have just set the flag for his Bad End.

"…I'm game." The Lolita grinned ferociously. Yuuma looked at her like she'd grown a second head.

The stoic beauty nodded her head in agreement. Yuuma turned to the guy of the group, looking for some level of sanity among her assumed subordinates.

"No," The man crossed his arms with a stern expression, "I like where this is going."

"Uurraaahh! Sh!" Yuuma howled, taking off in air in frustration. She reared her spear back and looked down on Issei with contempt. "Ish kissh you my-shelf!"

Issei watched as she tossed her spear…and stepped to the side to avoid it. It was surprisingly slower than he remembered. The woman roared and continued to throw them at him, with Issei stepping around in a semi-circle. "Is she always this bad at aiming?"

"When she's flying," the Lolita stated, "It's some weird thing with her we can't explain. She's pretty good on foot but, ah, well,"

Issei gave an understanding nod and turned his attention to the other male in the area. "Why don't you lay down a beat for these girls to strip to?"

The man raised a brow at the teenager. "You know what? Sure. I'm game."

"Really?" Issei asked, side stepping another blast.

"Sure kid," He thumbed up at the raging Yuuma, "Anything that pisses that bitch off is great. I hate her and get off on her tears."

"Uh uh uh," the Lolita tutted, "I'm not doing anything until I see some skin. I'll only show you mine if you show me yours." She winked.

Issei conceded to this point. He sent a glance to the male angel, who brought his hand up to his mouth in a simple beat. The teenager continued to dance around the laser blasts from the angry angel (?), thrusting and moving back and forth. He was already without his coat, having thrown it at Yuuma before; so instead he lifted his T-shirt up and over his head and tossed it aside, still keeping his steps going.

The gothic girl whistled. Issei had a toned stomach and clear muscles. Years of running from and brawling with angry boyfriend's had led to a shaped bode that he was rather proud of. "Okay," the gothic girl admitted, "that's worth a pair of panties."

She rocked her hips, slipping her hands sensually down from her waist to her hips and under her skirt. She leaned forward, skirt pointing away from the group and rubbing her thighs together. With a leer pulled down her panties. Stripes came into vision and she daintily slipped both legs out of the panties.

The woman presented her unmentionables, hanging off her finger, with a smirk.

"No!" Issei screamed, catching the attention of everyone around, "No! You've ruined everything you stupid Lolita!"

She narrowed her eyes, "Excuse you?"

"Everyone! EVERYONE! Knows that you take off your bra first in a strip tease! You've ruined it! Forever!" Issei had thrown his hands up at her, face scrunched up in despair.

Beat

Slowly, Yuuma had stopped her assault and pointed at the young man. "You shee thish? Thish ish what I hash to deal wish."

And just then a blast of dark energy (assumed) shot its way through the barrier, slamming right into the Lolita and sending her flying into the foliage. Everyone turned to the location the shot came from, which had left a burning trail of cratered ground and annihilated trees. Then they looked at one another. Except for Issei

He was already running towards it

"Help! I need an adult!" Issei called out frantically, "They made me strip and tried to touch me in bad places!"

Issei figured, hey, they could be as intent on killing him as the angels (?) were. They could also be of the mind set "the enemy of my enemy". So he'd give it a shot, at least. And they could have sexier women than the other group.

"Does someone need help!?" A woman's voice called out. Issei pumped his legs faster. A light spear, identified as blue, soared past him. In the split second that it had scratched his face on the way past Issei noted two things. One, it was a new color, which considering the consistency in which everyone else kept to their spears design meant this was probably the guy's.

Second was that given the proficiency that they all showed, even Yuuma when she was on the ground, that there was no way he could have missed Issei unless it was intentional.

"Spears!" Issei yelled at their general direction. The blue projectile was already gone, long since passed him. There was a scream, followed with concerned yelling. Issei winced. That didn't sound good.

More spears flew past him. The full range of four presented. Seems like Yuuma had decided that whoever had managed to blow their way into the barrier took priority over her pressing need to slit his throat and leave him bleeding out in the park.

He'd long left the path and stumbled into the foliage, hoping the trees could be used for cover. As he ran, the voices grew louder and clearer, until finally he'd reached the point where the young man was grabbed by the shoulder and yanked into the bushes. Issei had struggled at first, on instinct and more importantly principle but had given up any attempt to escape when he realized his head had been shoved into a pair of breasts.

"It's okay," the voice said soothingly, "its okay, we'll keep you safe." Issei managed to get just enough face out of cleavage to look at his savior. Crimson hair and wide, blue eyes marked the defining characteristics of Rias Gremory, most popular girl at his highschool. She smiled down at him.

Okay, sure, why not. He could believe it. And who'd want to look this gift horse in the mouth?

Wrapping his arms around her waist, he nestled his face full force into the maiden's bosom. She gasped, surprised by his enthusiasm, and awkwardly patted him on the back. "I was so scaaarreeedd~" Issei bemoaned, sighing contently.

"I-It's okay. You're going to be safe…Um, could you let go?" Rias sounded like she was losing her former enthusiasm.

Whatever. It's not like he'd ever get to do this again. Live fast and die young!

Something made its way up to them, "Rias," a voice whispered quietly. It was a distinctively male voice and sounded familiar. Not that Issei cared at the moment. Happy place! Happy place~ "Have you gotten th-oh. O-oh I'm so sorry, I didn't mea-"

"No Kiba, its fine." Rias stated, "I've retrieved him already."

"Aha," The now identified Kiba coughed. Issei didn't want to assume it was the only Kiba he knew, which was the amazing pretty boy labeled the third greatest "panty dropper" in his grade, but given the circumstances well the teenager could believe anything right now. The assumed pretty boy cleared his throat, "Okay then. Should we leave then? We've not managed to track down the Fallen in the park. It seems they've taken to hiding after their initial barrage."

"No. Let's take care of this while we're here." Rias sighed. "I've already enough on my plate as is. Having fallen flirt around in my territory is the last thing I want distracting me."

"But what about…you know?"

"It's fine; if he dies I'll revive him."

Issei, who'd been happy to indulge him-self in shoving the entirety of his face into the pretty foreigners bust, stopped. The young man moved back with languidly and gave school idol a look of absolute terror.

Kiba quite appropriately applied a hand to his face and groaned. "Rias, what have we told you about the human mind?"

"Um…um," Rias searched around in that pretty little head of hers. She was usually so bright and intelligent at school from the very, very far away distance that her fan clubs kept him at. Right now she was looking completely clueless. "Humans don't like to die?"

"Yes Rias, yes." Kiba repeated slowly, almost as if he was talking to a child. "Human's don't like the thought of dying. That's a thing."

Rias, to his horror, looked absolutely mystified by this. "I never got that. It's not like they don't reincarnate fast or anything."

Issei let out a very, very quite squeak as he listened to the woman casually talk about his death like it was nothing to her. Noticing the faint noise, Rias looked down at the boy and realization hit her. She forced a clumsy smile, like a child that'd just had their hand caught in the cookie jar. "Err, that's not to say, um, that I want you to die?"

The silence that came after was just unbearable.

"I," Issei started, licking his lips, "I think I should go."

"Surprise cockfags!"

How Issei had managed to push Rias out of the way of the incoming lighting spear and avoid it him-self had been a mystery to everyone who saw it, except for Issei who had just been moving to cop one last feel before fleeing. The A team of highschool heart throbs looked shocked that he'd reacted before them, and the Gothic Lolita was just looking pissed in general that her surprise attack had failed. Right up till a giant blast of lightning had sent her soaring away in agony.

Issei felt blood tickle his nose. The angel (?) had forgotten to slip her panties back on. Now he could really die happily.

"Rias! Are you okay?!" A woman shouted frantically from the other side of the clearing. She had probably been the source of the giant bolt of fuck off that had just sent the angel (?) flying. Rias had called back to the other female, assuring her that she hadn't been hit and was alright. Then she looked down to where Issei had been originally.

And she had found nothing, for Issei was already making a run for the established exit.

Issei was thinking long and hard about his life choices by this point. Most of them being how he hadn't bothered to get around to playing those eroge games he'd let pile up out of laziness. He prayed and promised to whatever god of digital porn there was out there that he would play every last one the moment he got home if he could just survive this!

Within the infinite spasm of the eternal space realm of the nithe dimension, an alien being of un-comprehension-al design and creation felt the tiniest of millimeters of microscopic responses so small that the human mind could not even come close to rationalizing the insignificant size of this one program of the greater beings design or the immeasurable greatness that it held within the sole "beep" that was announced.

On the matter at hand, he now had two factions of people to deal with. One, the crazed angels (?) that were out to kill him for some vague reason that was never really established, which he assumed was just so that they didn't have to hear more of Yuuma's whining. Two, the occult club members composed of the most desired people in his highschool (though only confirmed two) who were apparently some form of supernatural strike force (personal impression) that didn't care about his life.

…Which, in hindsight made some sense come to think of it? Why the hell someone with as rocking a body as Rias and Akeno be caught dead in an 'Occult' club? Unless they were magical girls? They were probably magical girls.

That was kinda h-

Issei leaned him-self out of the way of the coming red spear and rolled his eyes. Really? Such a predictable time to throw it at him. By this point he was already out in the open, trying to pick up speed and honestly, he wasn't particularly worried about this lame angel (?) being on his tail. Her shot was crap.

"Shups! Ish commansh yous!" Yuuma screamed with an imperious slur.

"Not on your life, Anal-chan!" Issei didn't bother to look back. So close, so close…

"Make sure he doesn't leave!"

The voice where that shout had come from nearly made the boy trip over his feet. He spared a look back. Behind him was Rias right on his trail. Her hands was covered in a shrouded darkness that she was more than happy to try and blast it into the faces of the pursuing angels (?). There was Kiba holding some kind of stylish blade that only a cosplayer would be caught dead with. Next to him was a low flying…Akeno? She was taking electric pot shots at the angels to keep them on the move.

Guess that's where the lightning from earlier came from. Issei briefly wondered if she could railgun with it.

He could see it by now, the cracked outer edges of the opening in the barrier along the last semblance of the setting sun. The street lights were on by this point but weren't quite required to see yet.

"Dosh lets hish get awash!" Howled his personal vengeance angel (?).

"We can't let him exit the barrier! Stop him Akeno!" Rias commanded to the second most popular girl in school.

"Yes president~!" Chirped the sexiest girl at Kouh Academy.

Issei hadn't even waited for Rias to finish saying Akeno's name. He'd already dived right back into the tree line hoping to use them as cover. The crackle of electricity followed close behind, blasting a tree's side but being ultimately stopped by it.

He'd have thought beforehand 'this electricity works on the same principle as the real worlds', except the teenager had already seen it hit a flying enemy at a lower altitude without diverging at all towards the trees. So, essentially, it was magic lightning.

"Wow that realization," Issei breathed, "accomplished absolutely nothing."

It was then that a thunderous shaking of the earth took him off his feet, a blinding flash of light engulfing his vision. He feel face first, tumbling once on the ground and landing back against a bush. It was probably the most damaging thing that'd happened to him this evening. The young man looked up from his position of rag dolled human and saw that the spot right next to where he had been running was now a carved trench of smoldering earth and burning trees.

Issei felt him-self starting to sweat. His brow was twitching.

"Akeno!" hissed Rias, "I told you to stop him! Not obliterate him! I can't bring him back if he's a fried corpse!"

"Whoopsie~" Came the completely unremorseful reply of her second in command.

Okay. Screw this. He was so out.

Realizing that using the trees as cover against a magical lightning spell that could tear through it like a knife through hot butter was exactly going to help him; the young man had decided to throw caution to the wind. Great success only comes from great risk! And a man such as he dealt with risk on a daily basis!

Issei flailed out onto the newly created path, more because his getting a shoe caught on a root at the last second hand sent him flying than any need for dramatic comedic effect. He stumbled out of the green line into the still hot trench. He immediately hissed and howled at the pain of touching hot and burning earth.

But the teenager was quick to be on his feet and running right for the hole. He didn't have a choice, what with the spears and lightning flung his way. Issei was lucky; he knew that at least half of them didn't want to outright kill him. The lightning thrown at him had been at the sides, touching the sides of his path to try and scare him off the free path to the exit. Only the red spear had been a consistent threat to him, always nipping at his heels. He got one yellow, a close call toss that nearly took off his head and the blue spear, which just seemed like a lazy side throw that didn't even stick to the ground.

Issei had only taken a moment to notice that the lightning had been off from the actual hole, trench trail ending at the side of the broken exit, before he leapt through the jagged portal.

And nearly into two unlucky bystanders that had been chatting by the barriers entrance while taking curious looks inside.

"Run you idio-!" A spear of whatever color, Issei wasn't particularly concerned, had managed to get his leg and shot past into a parked car. Blood squirted freely as Issei cried in pain. Another spear flushed past his head and the young man clenched his teeth, stomped the hurt leg into the ground and pushed him-self down the street.

Screams filled the air behind the teenager as attacks went flying. The angels (?) were the first out after him, given the screams of hatred and calls of death he was hearing. The thunderous clap and shriek of anguish signaled that Akeno had made it out too.

Issei had to wonder how he looked at the moment to anyone not involved with this madness; a shirtless hurt teenager desperately hobbling away from a stampede of skimpily dressed angelic beings fighting magic flinging foreign led high-school girls. Sounded like the opening plot to a shitty anime of an idiot protagonist surrounded by women and fueled by fanservice.

Issei squealed. Those were his favorite kind of anime!

"Give up, Issei!" The beautiful big sis called out to him. "I don't want to have to zap you!"

Or rather, she didn't want to get yelled at by Rias. Issei stopped in his tracks, or tried to and nearly fell face first. Having a torn up leg was making former movements just a tad difficult. With a hand on his hurt leg's thigh; the scratched up, scared up, bleeding and half dressed young man looked up at the smiling…whatever the hell Akeno was.

"That's right, Issei. Just stay righ-Ahh!" A blue spear had found its way into one of her wings and sent the high-schooler spiraling downward. He was already on the move, slipping down and sliding on his knee's to play catch the girl.

Oww! Oww oww oww oww! Sliding on road pavement was suddenly not the best idea! God damn it hurts!

She landed right into him in some kind of bungling crash that he'd hoped had ended up in some comical fashion with his face pushed right into her chest or unmentionables. What he got instead was a face full of back. God she was heavy.

Immediately he wrapped his arms around her waist and rolled them both to the side to avoid the red spear that'd been tossed at their center. With what strength he had the teenager threw the girl, who was yelling in confusion, away from him and half-rolled to avoid the second spear. When he tried to roll again Issei found him-self jerking in vain. A quick look saw that a spear had caught a part of his pants.

Dully, with realization and acknowledgement of his predicament, the young man glanced up at the bloodied, torn, fried angel (?) of vengeance with a red spear and a wicked grin.

She was then blown away from a shot by the most popular girl in school and Issei proceeded to tear his pants to get him-self free. A pair of pants wasn't worth his life! Forget the pain! Forget his dignity! It was all meaningless if he didn't make it out in one piece!

And so did Issei Hyoudou bravely run away.

As the boy frenzied boy hurried his way down the road, away from the chaos that he'd left in his wake, he noticed something. A sole taxi parked on the side of the road. Issei glanced back at chaos, then at the taxi, then at the chaos.

"Where to?" Ask a fruity feminine voice when Issei practically threw him-self in. He slammed the door behind him. He didn't bother with a seat belt.

"Away!" He yelled. The driver adjusted her cabbie hat with a 'very well' and hit the gas. They sped off down the empty street, leaving the crazy behind them.

He hadn't been this tired in his life. A couple of scuffles between angry larger males and running a few miles to lose them just didn't compare to that…everything that just

happened. His heart had calm down awhile ago, the adrenalin wearing off and leaving the sweating young man sitting drained in the back of this taxi. Issei tried to keep him-self from, just, freaking out over what had happened. Laying back into the cushy seat with his eyes closed.

An eye creaked open. It was dark outside; the only source of light coming from the outside streetlights and buildings. Issei raised a brow in curiosity. Just how long had he been riding in this taxi?

"Oi, driver, where are you taking us?" Issei asked, looking into the rear view mirror to get a look at the woman's face. What he got instead was a tilted mirror reflection aimed downward and right into her cleavage.

But one could not say this was just any kind of cleavage. It was the kind of milky white, perky set of breasts that looked just absolutely at home in the snugly low cut sweater top she wore. He thought, no, knew that she was easily bigger than Rias just from the mirror glance he was getting, yet not to the point of being grotesquely huge or unwieldy. It was as if perfection it-self had reached down to molest these breasts into the perfect everything any man could have desired from a pair of mammary.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'll drive kiddo, so if you figure out where you want to be taken, just tell me." She replied in this absolutely low purr that struck a chord in his young teenager heart. He could practically feel the smirk in her voice, "And clean your-self up. You're drooling."

An arm rubbed across his mouth had in fact confirmed said drool. Then something had registered with Issei, when he'd you know gotten around to stop staring at her cleavage. "Is it? No, it can't be…"

He could see the tiniest smidgen of a smirk now on her face. It seems she got it. "Yes." It was only now that Issei realized her hair was a long, shimmering luxuriant white.

"I want to get out. This isn't happening." Issei wiggled the car's door handle. It refused to budge. He couldn't undo the locks.

She giggled. It was like a heavenly chime that rang through the taxi. "No."

"Fool! Don't you see!? We've already been judged! It's too late!" Issei was feeling him-self relax despite his yelling, letting go of the handle and sinking back into his seat.

"Hmmhmm, is there something troubling you sweetie?" The driver hummed in good spirits.

"I'm a compass in the North pole."

She snorted. Even that sounded sexy to him. "Really? That's your choice? How many people actually picked that answer?"

Issei managed a grin at her. It seemed like everything she did, down the simplest of noises was affecting him. Who the hell was she? "More than you think. Certainly more interesting than picking the flailing around in despair options am I right?" The woman gave a crisp nod in agreement. "…Thanks. I really needed this."

The tips of a smile were visible from where he was. "Any time sweetheart, I know it's been a long day for you."

The silence that followed was surprisingly comfortable. He'd just sunk back into the cushy and let the super hot driver lady steer them around. Issei took a deep breath in, closed his eyes and broke the silence. "So who are you?"

"Some people call me the White Navigator," She started casually, not bothering to even hide her nature, "Others the Bloody Huntress or The Walker at the crossroads. All a different part of me with a purpose they serve. Ah, but I'm not any of those at the moment. Right now I'm the Promised Migratory, watcher of nomad and animal migration, giver of safe seasonal passages." She blew a bit of hair up and out of her face, he imagined. "Certain individuals aren't particularly happy about this form. Steps onto their turf, you know?"

Issei bit his lip. He didn't want to be gaping at the woman's self delivery of her awesome form. She'd pulled the taxi over to the side of the road and shifted to parking. "Of course, you could just call me by my all around known title." Then she turned and Issei felt his face burn.

It was hard to describe what he saw. It was like her face and expression had transcended the boundaries of mere mortal attraction. That all things he had seen before, all the women's bodies and smiles, all the pretty faces, everything pale to such an insignificant degree that he could only wonder as to how he ever thought they were beautiful in the first place.

The looming clouds above had parted and the silver rays of the moon poured in, catching her in such a way that just made her glow with warmth.

"I am Luna, goddess of hunt and the night sky, mistress of the silver chair, enemy of the fae and protector of Creation."

"I have been watching you, Issei Hyoudou and I am impressed. Few could accomplish what you have and live to tell the tale. For this reason I bless you with my gift."

Then she tilted her head, a few gorgeous locks of white slipping off her shoulder. She smiled at him with such an otherworldly amount of affection that Issei's brain turned to mush. A single gloved hand reached out and poked him in his forehand.

Issei Hyoudou inhaled sharply, life shinning before his eyes in some kind of magically induced trip. He had taken his second breath. He didn't know why he knew this or why his mind was just absolutely flooded with…things. But he did. And that's all that mattered at the moment.

In a swath of silver light and animalistic design, Issei sat with the mark of a hollowed moon on his brow. "Don't mind if I've had some alterations done to your gift. Think of it as some help for my sole chosen of this world." She retracted her hand and turned back around.

"Heh, anyway." Luna flicked the mirror back up and gave him a wink through the reflection, adjusting her cabbie hat. "I'll be looking forward to seeing your progress from now on, my precious steward. Make sure not to disappoint me."

Issei blinked, and she was gone. Nothing looked disturbed or showed a sign that the goddess Luna had ever been there. It was only Issei, sitting half naked in a dark taxi while glowing and the doors unlocked.

Then he placed his face into both hands and just let out a long suffering groan. He really was having one of those days.

~END~

A/N: I've a few chapters I'm editing/writing at the moment. Expect the next one to be up in a week or so.