I apologize for the lack of humor in "Skilene". That date I was unsure of and stumbled on. For the rest, I know exactly what I am doing and will keep the laughs coming.

Kolene, here we come!

"If this is anything like last night, I'm just heading home. First sign of trouble, just gone! Like the Wind! Heh... that was a pretty clever joke. Heh. I'm pretty funny," Marlene muttered to herself as she made the walk to the penguin HQ. When she arrived, she took two deep breaths before heading inside.

Kowalski, in the meantime, was busy at work.

"Kowalski?" Marlene called out apathetically, ready to get this over with. However, the tall penguin continued using his welder on the contraption on the table. "HEY!" Marlene yelled even louder.

Kowalski turned and flipped up his mask. "Sorry, Marlene. I didn't notice the time," he replied as he turned off the blue jet.

Marlene approached him, "So what's it this time; defusing a bomb somewhere or fighting giant mutant whales, or-or maybe stopping an army of neckbearded mallninjas from building a doomsday machine on the moon."

"As interesting as that all sounds," he replied, slightly annoyed by her sass, "I don't... really... have a planned date."

"Y-you don't?"

"No actually," he said fiddling with his tools, "I thought I'd improvise."

She sighed, "Well that's better than Skipper at least. So... what do we do now? 'Give me options, Kowalski.'"

"Well we could go for a walk through the park, watch TV, OR help me finish this new invention I've been working on all day."

She looked at the heap of metal on the table. "What is it?"

"It's...," he shifted around nervously, "I don't...know exactly."

"Really? You're building something and you have no idea what it does?"

"A-hehe, I suppose I don't. I tried making a machine to reverse the ionic composition of certain molecular-"

"Okay, okay. You don't need to go into the technical sciency stuff. Aren't you afraid of it, oh, I don't know, blowing up in your face? Or more importantly, my face?"

"A lot of things have tried to kill me, Marlene. One of my inventions won't be the one to do it."

"Huh. So why do you think it does something completely different?"

Kowalski blushed, "Well, so far the way I've set up the electromagnet and the overall design changes including the, well, inclusion of a magneto-"

"Like the supervillain, right?"

"...No... N-not like the supervillain."

"I'm kidding. You know that, right?"

"Good. I may have had to give you a well deserved hit on the noggin."

Marlene gasped silently, placing her hands on her hips and smirking, "Now I thought you were supposed to be nice."

"I am, but science knows no bounds."

"Is that so?"

"And you wouldn't do the same to me if we reversed the situation?" Kowalski countered, smirking.

"Well you know I could hit you for this now," she smiled.

"Oh you'd just love that wouldn't you! Anyway, could you hand me the socket wrench?" he stated as he buried his face and hands back into his machine.

Marlene looked dumbfounded at the toolbox next to the table, "Uhhhhhh, which one?"

"It should be a handle with a cylindrical end sticking out the side of it."

Marlene followed her eyes with her hand until finally coming across the tool. She handed it to his outstretched hand. "Sorry, I'm not real good with this stuff."

"You wanna give it a try?" Kowalski asked.

"W-what?"

"Sure. I mean, it's almost done. I just need a few things tightened into place."

Marlene walked over to the open panel of the machine, socket wrench in hand. "Okay... what am I doing?"

"You see those three bolts closest to the panel?"

"I think so?"

"I just need you to tighten those and it will finally be finished."

She reached in and began to turn with the wrench. It clicked dozens of times with each turn. "Like this?"

"Wrong way."

"Right..."

After an abnormally long time, she finished with the bolts. "Perfect! Like a true mechanic. You could build anything now."

"Sure, why don't I go take apart the Brooklyn Bridge and reassemble it in my backyard."

Kowalski was taken aback. "Well, if you're serious, we could try something like that next week," he jokingly said in a deadpan manner.

"hehe. I-...I'm having fun. I mean, I can't believe being in a cooped up basement building things with Kowalski could ever be fun. But it's better than Skipper."

"R-really?!" he stammered, "You mean it?"

"Yeah. I don't know if I'd call this a date or anything romantic, but still."

Kowalski smiled at this. These compliments meant everything to him. Then it turned quickly into a frown. He hadn't accounted for this. Everything was supposed to be finished long before she showed up.

Then again, she didn't say that this was romantic in any way. Maybe he was justified. He gradually wore his guilt away.

Just then, the machine on the table burst to life. Purple and green lights shone brightly and amplifier on top began to spin at blinding speeds.

"It works!" Marlene stated, "Well done, Frankenstein. So... what now?"

Kowalski smiled, "I don't know. Why don't we find out. IGOR! Pull the lever!"

She bowed and joked, "Whatever you say master." She pulled the lever. The machine whizzed and buzzed. "So, what happens...now...?" She turned around to see Kowalski back away slowly.

"SCIENCE ZAP!" he shouted as he dove behind the television set.

She sighed, accepting her fate. "I hate penguins. I hate everything about them. I hate love and romance and dates and why does everything happen to me?!"

BOOM went the Love-U-Lator V2 with a thunderous roar.

Kowalski looked up from behind the TV with blast marks all over it.

Marlene lay on the floor motionless. Some ends of her fur were sizzling and some lit like a candle wick. The machine itself had exploded into hundreds of tiny bits.

"Oh no, Marlene!" he said rushing over to her. "D-...did I kill her? NOOO!-I mean 'Yay' one inventions actually has a legitimate purpose but-NOOOOOOOO!"

Just as he muttered those words, Marlene's now gray and lifeless eyes shot open abruptly. Her back moved upwards with an unholy suddeness.

"EIIIIIIII!" Kowalski shrieked, which sounded like the Hindenburg explosion if the balloon was made out of helium. After calming down from that intensely smooth and ridiculously James Bond-esque squeal, he found that he was somewhat relieved yet highly disturbed.

With spooky creepiness, her head turned around. Her neck seemed the point of snapping as she slowly craned towards him.

"Oh I didn't see, you there... Hello, the hot Kowalski Penguin."

"Uhh... hi?"

"I am in love with the hot Kowalski."

Her voice was so strained and awkward. It was almost robotic and google translatish with a mix of a wheelchair speak-easy. He waved his hand in front of her eyes but they stood still.

Her entire body heaved upward towards him. "Ohokaythatjusthappened," Kowalski abruptly squeaked stepping back.

"We're going to have so much fun together, just the, two of...us. Alone. Together. Two of us. I love hot Kowalski. Forever.

And Ever.

And Ever.

And Ever."

Kowalski stood back, horrified at the mostrocity he created. He was aghast at this freak of nature. What had he done? What had he transformed Marlene into?! What had he-

"So you love me?"

"Yes."

Wut?

"And you want to go on dates with me and be my girlfriend?"

"YesIlove the Kowalski heterosexual male penguin."

No.

"Yeeessss," he he said as he pulled his arm back in success.

No, that's not right. You shouldn't be happy. This isn't normal-

Kowalski was tempted to kiss her right then and there. However, if there's anything he loves more than romance and science, it's himself. First things first, he must show off. That is top priority.

-This defies the laws of nature! Someone else take charge of writing this story!

"Come on Marlene," he said seductively yet incredibly awkwardly as he wrapped his arm around her lifeless hip, "Let's blow this joint." Look out Charles Bronson, there's a new hotty in town and it's definitely not this penguin.

"Whatever you, say hot. Kowalski."

As the two climbed out of the HQ, well, one climbed out and they other ascended upwards, the narrator was off busy hiding in shame from the sheer display of idiocy and the defilement of everything sacred in nature. Fortunately, there's a replacement. Hi.

Kowalski stuck his head out of the ladder and was greeted by the other penguins who lay in a circle with their heads pressed against the ground at the other end of the iceberg trying to listen. Their nerves were shot as they waited desperately to hear any indication of Kowalski's failure. The scientist smirked. This would be good.

He climbed completely out of the HQ and stood before them. "Oh hello there. What are you all doing out here, standing around the iceberg, silent. You weren't waiting to barge into my date, were you?" Kowalski teased.

"Wh-what? No, of course not!" Skipper stammered, "We were just, uh, looking for Private's contacts."

"I have contacts-?" Private asked confused before being smacked upside the head.

"Oh no! There they go again, all over the iceberg, somewhere... again-Private!"

"What did I do?" Private asked much more concerned and terrified. Rico smacked him next, sending him to the iceberg with a thud.

"Ahem, good thinking Private. You, uh, go look for those contacts," Skipper then turned to his analyst, "So..."

"So...?" the tallest continued, hands on hips.

"How-um-was your date with, uh, that, uh her-"

"Marlene?"

"Yes that one. Was it a million times worse than mine? Is she down there crying? Does she need me to go down there?"

"Well I don't know, why don't you ask her!" Kowalski said, arm swinging around. There was still no Marlene.

thud

The hatch to the HQ was still closed. Kowalski slyly opened it. The otter floated up like a balloon and shuffled around in Kowalski's arms. "Heh-he-ere she is!" he said in a not awkward fashion as he struggled to keep Marlene in his grasp.

The others all tensed at this. Private shot up from the ground.

Her head was tilted to the side. Her eyes stared off into the distance, as if pondering the mysteries of the universe. Her arms were tightly at her sides and Kowalski was hugging her at obscure angles.

By Jove she was more beautiful than they remembered!

"Hello other penguin arctic birds who are not the Kowalski," she spoke in a monotone voice.

Kowalski continued his parade of himself, "So Marlene, why don't you tell them about us?"

"Kowalski is the hottest of male animal birds in the Central Park Recreational Zoo Area Facility. The other penguins who are not good looking or sexy or fun are less than the hot Kowalski heterosexual extravaganza and I am in love with the hot Kowalski."

Kowalski giggled and blushed like a little anime schoolgirl, which was very immasculine.

"Wh...what?" Private said as tears filled his eyes. Rico wailed aloud. Skipper stood there, frozen.

Time to reel it in home.

"How about a kiss, Marlene?"

"Whatever you say hot Kowalski."

He shifted her to face him. He made sure the others had a good view of the two. He leaned her back and pressed his beak against her lips. She didn't move and her eyes were glassy and frozen; locked on his forehead. A bit of drool was coming from her motionless mouth. It was the hottest kiss Kowalski could ever have given. It was too glorious for words. Even the new narrator is feeling all hot and bothered. I need a towel.

After the highly manly and completely romantically natural cascade of making out, Kowalski broke the kiss with a wide, exasperated grin. A trail of drool connected the two. "W-hohoho-wow!" Kowalski exclaimed with crossed eyes. Marlene stood like a statue...still.

The others were aghast as though they were witnessing the Hindenburg explosion occurring before them. This may just be a bit worse. Just a bit.

Private rushed up with watery eyes, "B-But Kowalski, how could you do this to us?" He sobbed like a pansy as he drew too close for comfort up to the analyst.

The otter then slowly creaked her head towards him. "Kowalski-ruining love of the non heterosexual variety threat detected."

"W-wot?" were Private's last words before being ceremoniously kicked in the stomach. One probably thought the kick would send him flying into the air. It didn't. It simply rammed into his stomach, hurting immensely. He collapsed to his knees before completely falling to the ground, curled in fetal position, crying. Stop laughing, this isn't funny.

Marlene turned back, "Come on, hot Kowalski, let's us leave to be elsewhere where I can be with the hot Kowalski."

"Oh, whatever you say dear. Bye!" Kowalski exclaimed to the others as he was dragged away from the HQ.

Skipper squinted his eyes. He thought this seemed very suspicious, "This seems very suspicious." He didn't believe this could be real, "This can't be real." Something was afoot here, "Something's afoot here."

He then gathered Rico into a huddle. Private still lay on the ground in a ball, where no one cared. Skipper yanked the boy up into the huddle. "This smells fishy," he told his men.

"Sa'wy," Rico apologized.

"No, not like that! I mean this all doesn't seem right. If anything, this is the work of..."

"Of what, Skippah?" Private followed up, completely drying his tears.

"Hippies."

"Hippies?!"

"Hippie Gypsies, who are also spies and Russian aliens. It took them long enough to finally-"

"Or Kowalski could have done some brainy wipey thing like befoh," Private surprisingly intellectually stated somewhat.

"Oh. That's probably right. Kowalski, options!"

...

"...Right! Private, options!" Skipper demanded.

"Oh, um, uh-"

"Yes, yes, along the right track, Rico?"

Rico upchucked a missile that streamlined off somewhere in the park and blew up, creating a red shadow over the three.

"I see. Good contingency plan! Private?"

"Funny bumper stickers!" Private shouted, alarmed by the sudden attention.

"Aha! Now we're getting somewhere..."

Back to the awkwardly dynamic romantic ecstatic duo, Kowalski and Marlene sauntered through the park. Kowalski beamed with pride and made sure everyone saw his new date.

Suddenly, they were cut off by the other penguins. Honestly, they didn't have time for a coherent plan so they winged it. Rico was holding a snowblower while Private wielded a pool noodle and donned hockey pads. Skipper, of course, wore Rhodesian short shorts, thirteen penguin sized watches on his arm, and a casino dealer's green visor.

"Kowalski! You have to stop this right now!" Skipper demanded. The other two penguins joined him in battle stances.

"Stop what?" Kowalski said confused.

"You're mind controlling Marlene, aren't you?"

"I-oh-uh..."

"Aren't you?!"

Kowalski pondered for a second, sweat dripping down his forehead, "...No...?"

GASP!

The penguins all stood exasperated back.

"So Marlene's NOT being mind controled!" Skipper stated.

Private brought his flippers up to his beak, "But that means..."

They all collapsed on each other, hugging in crying and sadness. It was quite embarrassing and un-soldierly.

"Pfft, wimps," Kowalski muttered as he rejoined his love.

Elsewhere, Julien watched the abhorrent display of the penguins. "Ah, Maurice, look at those little flippered penguins," Julien said as he began to chuckle.

"...okay?" Maurice followed along.

"Look, they're all crying!"

"...So...?"

"What do you mean 'so?' This is hilarious! Maurice, get the camera! I want to remember this moment forever!"

The servant shrugged as he began to walk off, "Whatever your majesty."

"Hmm, I wonder what they're upset over."

"Hello Julien King lemur of the not Madagascar kingdom."

He turned quickly to see Marlene and Kowalski, "Aha! Pretty lady! I knew you would not resist the touch of King Julien could-...you..."

Even Maurice and Mort returned shocked and dismayed. Marlene and... Kowalski?! That's just absurd! They have no chemistry! Nothing in common!

Nevertheless, Kowalski cleared his throat and began to speak up, "J-Julien. We, uhh (this is awkward), we need to borrow your habitat for our date."

"Oh... haha. S-sure. Anything for M-...Marlene," Julien chocked out fighting back tears.

Suddenly all of Kowalski's guilt vanished as he replied, "Sweet! Thanks!"

The three lemurs could only stand back as Marlene and Kowalski started horribly dancing to the King's radio. Marlene, ironically, was the smoother dancer of the two.

The other three penguins shuffled their soggy behinds over, just as distraught as the lemurs. They all had the same face, staring on while the other two ripped up the dance floor with their sick moves. It was rather funny and amusing. You should have seen it. Unfortunately this is FanFiction and there is no way to visualize anything.

"You see that, boys?" Skipper said, "That is what failure looks like."

"I-I didn't even get a chance," Private said with watery eyes.

"She was the most beautifulliest platy-pus I ever saw," Julien said.

"She's an otter."

"Oh."

Mort simply cried from the fact that everyone else was sad and that he could not comprehend what was going on. Maurice muttered, "Whatever, I'm still not getting paid to put up with this."

"WAHAUHAUHAU!" Rico balled as he collapsed into a slump on the ground.

"Saaaaame, Rico," Skipper said like a basic white girl, "Same." He collapsed on top of the weapons expert in a pit of sadness.

Meanwhile, the other two already departed and were off doing who knows what else. What else were they doing? Who knows.

Eventually they made it into the gift shop. They both wanted to be secluded from the world. "Marlene, I just wanted to tell you something," Kowalski said, trying to hone in on his inner suave, "I adore you. These past... how long has it been?"

"One hour."

"Yes, one hour has been fantastic and I already have made up my mind based on this single hour that we should be together forever. I can guarantee that there will be absolutely no regrets to this decision."

"I love you two Hot Kowalski lover penguin extreme." With that she grabbed his flipper and lead him into one of the closets within the gift shop.

"Wo-hoho! Slow down Marlene. I-...I didn't know you were that kind of woman," Kowalski slyly stated seductively strongly ssss.

He didn't realize that this room had no windows. Nor did he notice Marlene lock the door from the inside.

"So... what do you have in mind?" he said with a wink.

"Hot Kowalski, I love the hot kowalski with all of my heart and the Marlene otter female wants us to be together forever.

And ever.

And ever.

Where no one can hear you. No threats to our romance. No police. Embrace me, hot Kowalski."

"...Neat."

"I am not quite sure what the events are that led to this," Kowalski calmly stated despite being tied to a spinning wheel.

"No one will touch the hot Kowalski and prevent us from our otter mammal and penguin species love."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. "Uh, h-hello?" came a familiar British accent.

"Yes hello who is it that is disturbing the Kowalski and me romance time?" Marlene questioned as she opened the door.

Private looked past her at Kowalski, concerned. "Oh hey Private," the analyst calmly stated.

"Anyway, Marlene. I came to realize that it doesn't matter who you love. All that matters is that you're happy. Because it's important to be happy and cheerful for your friends. And that's why I made you this friendship gift basket! It has some music, a-and muffins, and a lunacorns dvd, and-"

The door was immediately slammed in his face.

"Wh-...Wot? Oh piss off then!" Private frustratedly exclaimed. Although he didn't swear, that was the most vulgar word he ever said up to that point and was free to say it now without Skipper smacking him silly.

Then the little penguin came to the horrid realization. He had to go tell the others.

"Uhh... Skippah?"

Private came upon the rest of the animals slumped over in a giant pile of depression and slobbering sadness. They were all laying around on top of each other. Their tears were enough to solve the water problems in third world countries.

"Go away Private," Skipper choked out, "Can't you see we're depressed?"

"Uhmm, okay... Julien?"

"What is it you could want flippered birdy?" he said in between sobs as he threw his head around dramatically.

"Marlene is being mind controlled!"

"But didn't you hear Private?!" Skipper cut in, "Kowalski said 'No!'"

"But I went to go see Marlene with a gift basket as a way of saying that it doesn't matter who she loves-"

Marucie butted in, "Wow, that's pretty-"

"SCHHSSSTT! Ahem And she didn't want it!"

"...And...?"

"Marlene loves gift baskets! It only makes sense if she was mind controlled! (Also she had Kowalski tied up and has been talking like a robot all night.)"

"Holy flim-flam, he's right!" Skipper stated as he got up, accidentally smacking Private in the face as he did. "You heard him fellas, we need to rescue her!"

"But how?" Maurice asked.

"It's simple!" Julien stepped up to the occasion, "We will use the power of... Jump Cuts!"

"Wow! That was such an incredible and intense rescue!" Skipper said in amazement.

"I could not be agreeing with you more! That was the most intensist actiony packedy mission EVEH!" Julien screamed.

The zoo was on fire behind them and there was grape jelly splattered all around the ground. The air force had fly-overs New York to see what exactly was going on. Julien was dressed like an 18th century Russian aristocrat while Skipper was dressed as the late Howard Hughes, complete with a pencil thin mustache. That mustache was vital to their success.

"I especially liked the part where we entered into a kung fu ninja battle," Maurice said walking up, covered in those little paper straw holders that stick to your hands.

"Or when you used me as bait and Mort entered into an eight minute long guitar solo," Private stated, covered in bruises and dressed like a sandwich.

"Or when we had to fight off Kowalski's robot spiders," Mort joined in, wearing death metal band make-up and his tongue waggled to scandalous lengths.

"Or when I had to engage in an epic showdown of magnificent proportions," Kowalski said drenched in peanut butter, which would explain the jelly covering the ground.

"O' Whe- W' Boo- i' the KABOOM!" Rico gargled in a mime outfit.

"Yeah, or when the part where I was MIND CONTROLLED?!" Marlene screamed at them.

"Oooooooooooohhhh..." they all suddenly realized at once. "That's right..."

"What the-... how the-..." Marlene struggled to form words.

"No need to congratulate me, Marlene," Kowalski walked forward proudly, " I know my ability to change and undo the mind is a leap forward in science, but-"

"Why?! You couldn't just have a normal date?" she asked in angry frustration.

"Well that would be way to simple. And why would I need to try when I have SCIENCE-oof" Kowalski was slapped by Skipper.

"Jeez, didn't you hear the woman? She didn't want none of your sciency mumbo jumbo! No. She just wanted the thrill and excitement of active combat! The adrenaline coursing through your veins."

"Yeah okay whatever, you," Marlene pointed at Rico, who nearly wet himself with fright. "I want just a normal dinner date. No jumping out of airplanes, no sciency stuff, no explosions, no lunacorns," Private looked down in defeat, "Just you. Me. Some food. Maybe a little music. That's it!"

"So... there's still a chance? YES!" Private exclaimed.

"Wait, what was that whole thing about friends and happiness?"

"Ha! Oh forget that. Only second place losers say that!"

With that, she marched off.

Skipper didn't even hear her and instead continued on his military ramblings, "-leading a charge against a band of Danish mercenaries-Wait, where's she going?"

The seven were left there not really sure what to do with themselves. Then they all looked at Rico, wondering what in the heck he could possibly have in store.

What does the romance master Rico have in store for Marlene? Find out whenever I decide to upload.

By the way, if you have not seen it, I have a new PoM story called "Wot's the Deal," which revolves around Private. Go read it, it's good I promise. Also, in case you haven't heard, I am making a huge 5-6 way crossover with Homestuck which will involve PoM! To start it off, I am making miniature one-shot cross overs with Homestuck and each of the bridging fandoms. I will write the PoM one in the hopefully near future, but I already have Regular Show and Adventure Time done on my profile if you are interested.

Also, thank you guys so much for the reviews and support!