AN: Just something I've thought about for a while but finally sat down to start writing :)

103 Days.

Chapter 1.

It was the first night she was spending together with her friends since. The first time going out to a bar, being in public, having people around her, since. Since it all happened and the life she used to know was gone. Gone, like her.

January 9th, April 22nd . 103 days. A lifetime apart but just yesterday. Unrealistic but her reality.

She was not ready. There was a reason why she took a semester off, she was not ready to face the real world just yet. Living in her own world of escape was easier. Was is a good life? No. Was she happy? No. Did she want her to lock herself up and shut everyone out? No. But it was the easiest – most plausible thing to do. There was no way she could just 'live on' like Rachel, one of her friends, told her.

Today she said yes as they asked her. Larissa a friend from Stanford called her and asked if she wanted to go out. She and a few other friends spend the week in New York at Larissas' aunts house to go shopping and clubbing. She hadn't seen them since before Christmas. Since before. She said yes because for the split of a second she thought that maybe, maybe tonight she could be normal. Feel normal – or as normal as possible for that matter.

Eying herself in the mirror she ran a hand through her hair sighing. Just a few hours with friends at a college bar. She could survive a few hours in good company. She was 19 years old she was supposed to go out and have fun. Looking herself up and down she decided that she was ready. Jeans, a black tank top and heeled boots. That had to do it. Before she left the house she threw over a cardigan and went into the living room.

"Dad? I'm going." she said as she walked over to her father. He was sitting on the couch, scotch in one hand and the remote in the other switching through the channels. He looked up for a second giving her a sad smile.

"Okay. Have fun Katie, take care." he slurred and she went over to him leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"You too, dad." she mumbled biting down on her bottom lip before she left him behind.

Too much had changed to just go back to normal. It could never be the way it used to be and for some part she felt like she did not just lose her mother, but her father as well.

/

He was going to a college bar for the third night in a row. While he loved going out and spending the night with hot girls drinking this was something he dreaded. Sober in an overcrowded room filled with drunk students taking notes, but for his book researches he was willing to take the consequences. He was already overdue and his publicist was calling him nonstop to remind him to 'do the fucking work'. And that was his punishment for deciding to let his victim get killed after a hot night in a bar.

Pulling over a jacket he left his apartment but not before looking into into his daughters room one more time. The little four year old slept with thumb sucked between her lips. Wishing he could just spend the whole night watching her he slowly closed the door.

"Mother, I'm going. Won't be away for too long." he said after knocking on his mothers bedroom door.

"Alright, darling. Have fun and do the magic with that books of yours." Martha said cheerfully as she looked up from the script she was reading.

/

Smiling at the right comments, laughing at the right jokes, having small talk, and drinking. Most of all drinking. She had not had any alcohol in over 103 days, that was something she left for her father. But tonight she needed those drinks to somehow carry her through.

It all was wrong. Her feelings, her fake smile and that old friends she did not know anymore. She did not care about the difficult case they talked about in con law or that 'Matt and Lisa broke up again because she apparently hooked up with one of the professors', or so they've heard. It all just seemed so unbelievably unimportant at that moment. Their laughter filled her ears and made her feel nauseous. People around her passing by, dancing, singing, having fun.

"I'll grab some fresh air." she said and rose from her chair, her fingers trembled and sweat was forming on her forehead and her heart started to beat faster. If she did not get out of here fast she would be getting a panic attack. Everyone was was starring at her, silence falling over them and she knew what they were thinking. Poor little Katie who lost her mother was finally going crazy. And while that maybe was completely true she would never admit it.

"You're alright?" Larissa asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine." she rambled. "It's just really hot in here and I'm not used to it anymore." She tried to put a smile on her face to convince them that she was alright.

"You want me to come with you?" she asked.

"No, no, really. You have some more fun. I'll be back in a few." and with those words she stormed towards exit.

The moment the cold April night air hit her skin she felt a little bit better or at least she could breathe again. But while she did not feel the drinks before she now could tell that the last vodka was maybe one too much. She was not really drunk, but her head felt light and she had the urge to sit down. Sadly her state of intoxication was not the one her father lived in since day 22, when he just could not be strong for her anymore. While he drank to not feel she was at the point where she felt quite a lot. She was hitting that period in drunkenness where the things she did not allow herself to feel when sober could not help but be felt.

"No, no, no." she mumbled as she closed her eyes suddenly feeling the arising panic attack returning. Trying to take as deep breaths as possible she leaned against the wall of the bar that ironically was called 'The Left Behind'. For a moment she wondered why a college bar had such a name as she slid down the wall until she said on the cold and hard pavement not caring about the couple that just walked by. The thightness in her chest was getting harder to breathe through and she pressed her hands against her closed eyes until she saw colored stars behind her hurting eyelids. It was a habit she developed on day 12, just after the funeral.

"You did notice that the ground is kind of gross, didn't you?" a voice suddenly asked next to her and she could practically hear the smirk in his voice. She did not respond and instead tried to focus on her methods to calm down. She did not want to talk to anyone right now. Or ever again. It was such a wrong decision to come here tonight for more than one reason. First, obviously this nice panic attack. Second, she was drunk. And third, some annoying stranger started talking to her, while she had said panic attack and was said drunk.

"Like seriously, yesterday I saw someone urinating right next to where you're sitting right now." She heard him making some more noises to give his disguise more power.

"Just... leave me alone." she chocked trying really hard to sound normal but that is almost impossible when you have trouble getting air in your lungs.

"Honestly, you're okay?" that voice asked again, this time softer with a lot more empathy. Not knowing who that voice belonged to or how he even looked like she just chuckled dryly.

"Just peachy." she said and heard him sighing. Suddenly she felt him moving closer. Not really close so he could touch her but the shift in the air next to her made her realize that he just kneeled down next to her.

"How about you get up and we sit down there, look." she knew that voice was pointing somewhere but she did not bother looking up. "Those stairs look nice and then we can talk."

"I don't need some stranger to pour out my heart to." she grunted, feeling finally able to breathe a little.

"Okay. No talking then. But I really saw someone relieve himself here yesterday, right on that wall." his voice sounded light and carefree in her ears and the way he pronounced 'relieve himself' made her smile lightly into her knee. She knew he was not able to see or to understand but now on day 103 she smiled the first genuine smile even if it was just for a second.

Slowly she drew her hands from her eyes and pushed herself up into a standing position. Her gaze still fixed on the ground she looked up to eye the stranger. She swore her heart stopped for a second as she saw that man with the big smile and blue eyes starring hopeful at her.

"That's a lot better." he said. "By the way, I'm Rick." Holding out his hand to her she looked down at his fingers and then back at his eyes before slowly reaching out her own hand to shake his.

"I know." she mumbled. "I've read your books."