If It's Not OK It's Not The End.

Chapter 1 - Too many words unspoken.

The breakdown of Caroline's marriage – set as an introduction to Series 1.

Caroline sat in her study at home, a large stack of school paperwork needed urgent attention but her concentration was shot after more than a couple of large glasses of red wine.

They had all dined together earlier in the evening, Caroline trying to digest a few mouthfuls of food, with strong encouragement from her mother Celia who had now left the family for the evening and gone home to her flat next door to watch some TV. William was upstairs in his room studiously preparing for his A levels, Lawrence was at a friend's house supposedly revising for his exams and John, well John was gone. John had left, yes left them all – seemingly, for good.

He was gone from her daily life, gone from the boys they both adored and gone from this magnificent home that they had created between them and to Caroline's astonishment, she had not seen this breakdown coming. She hadn't picked up any signs or symptoms that the united and apparently happy family unit they all inhabited would soon be shattered by John's shock departure. And the family was shattered. The boys not wanting to speak about it after their initial shock and devastation and now not wanting to be too vocal about their father to avoid upsetting Caroline.

Was John, Caroline thought, just a shallow and deceitful bastard who had cheated on her and been found out? Had their marriage drifted into indifference a long time ago? Was it possible that some of the blame lay with her?

Knowing that she absolutely had to get some work done in preparation for an important meeting at school tomorrow, she pushed aside her glass of wine and tried to snap herself back into Dr. Elliot mode.

Sometime later, she heard Lawrence come home and shout a "Night Ma" to her. She had then purposely gone into the kitchen, aware that William was downstairs in his PJ's hoping to have a hug with his mum before he turned in for the night. "Night my precious boy" Caroline was more than happy to let William envelope her in a warm and protective hug and only when he could feel that she was ready, he let her go. "Sleep well mum." She kissed him tenderly on the cheek to let him know that she was OK and that they would be OK, eventually, when they found a new normal.

Words were not always necessary with William. He had always been a sensitive and intuitive boy, growing into a fine, tender and considerate young man, comfortable in his skin. He had real academic ambition. William had formed his own opinions with regard to his father and Caroline was all too aware what his opinions were.

She followed William back up the stairs to check in with Lawrence and to make sure that he was not on his X-Box but intending going to go to sleep sometime soon. Perching on the side of his bed hoping to have some sort of conversation with her youngest son, Caroline ventured "How did your revision go?" No response. "Was it helpful having some time with Angus?" Silence. Lawrence clearly was not yet ready to resume their nightly chats.

This had always been the time of day when Caroline and Lawrence had all their best conversations. He would tell her about his day and she could try and surreptitiously check that he was keeping up at school. He was dyslexic and so had to try a good deal harder than a lot of his mates when it came to languages etc., but he adored sport and was a regular member of the Sulgrave Heath rugby team and very proud of the fact.

He had been deeply affected by the departure of his dad, his beloved Popsicola. Caroline sometimes wondered if he thought she might be to blame? He was so different to William but still very young and emotionally immature. He didn't want to talk and made that quite obvious to Caroline. Knowing that his lack of conversation may of course be that he was just at that very difficult age where any sensible speak was just not possible. "Night night then." Caroline said gently stroking his cheek to let him know that she loved him, regardless; just as she closed the bedroom door she heard "Night Ma".

She made her way back downstairs to lock up, and collect her unfinished glass of red wine from the study, pack her papers for tomorrow and then she herself went up to bed. Tonight's routine now no different from all other nights since John's departure.

She knew she shouldn't really be drinking alone and in bed too, but she had decided that as long as this habit didn't become permanent, then she wouldn't chastise herself too much. And anyway - sleep was difficult to come by.

As she did most nights, Caroline sat propped up in bed thinking, thinking, always thinking. She wondered why even though she was clearly in a state of shock and distress at the sudden change in shape of her family and still aghast at John's outrageous deceit, that she was not feeling ... heartbroken?

She knew full well that their marriage was never a great love match, more a meeting two very bright individuals, both with ambition and the talent to match and they enjoyed each others company. They married without too much fanfare and then the boys came along. Her boys; that's how she had always thought of them.

When Caroline landed her prestigious role at Sulgrave Heath, they moved to this house, which was big enough to house Celia in the spacious annex flat. Caroline smiled to herself thinking about her mum. God, she could be so bloody difficult. She had an opinion on absolutely everything and was not good at keeping her opinions to herself. Even though this caused all sort of trouble sometimes, Caroline felt safe in the knowledge that her mum loved her and it was also really handy having 'Granny' around when parents evening kept her at late at school and John was away at one of his many literary events. "I've always had my doubts about that silly drunken sod" was all she had said when John left.

Still thinking ... this role of head teacher had consumed her, she knew that, but she had managed to really put Sulgrave Heath on the map and people now moved to this area hoping to get their kids on the waiting list. She was made for this job and this school. There were minor difficulties sometimes for the boys being the sons of the headmistress, but they managed them. Life took a lot of organising but that was her forte and she had managed it all - hadn't she?

She and John had seemed fine although latterly he hadn't accompanied her to any of the special events at school and she just didn't have enough free evenings to be with him when he was out 'networking'. When they were home together John tended to watch TV whilst she worked in the study, keeping up with the masses of paperwork that were necessary to keep this school in tip top working order. Caroline couldn't ever remember the two of them having a night in just to be together. Still thinking ... she couldn't remember them having a night out either where they just ate and talked, together.

Still thinking ... "we never bloody talked" she inadvertently said out loud. Not only did she realise now that they didn't talk to each other, she couldn't remember when John had last looked at her - really looked directly at her, and even worse, sometimes she wouldn't even notice when John hadn't shaved for at least three days!

They did have sex, of course they had sex. John often pestered her when he was drunk and almost incapable of managing anything himself, let alone thinking about Caroline's needs and Caroline sometimes initiated things just to release some of the tension that she permanently carried.

Still thinking ... trying to make the blackout shutters come down on her mind in order for sleep to be possible. As she started to drift off, she thanked God that it was Friday tomorrow. John now picked the boys up from school on Fridays and took them home to spend some quality time together and maybe even rustle up something for them all to eat.

Caroline was going to spend her evening with the very lovely Kate McKenzie. With this in her mind she fell asleep. She was smiling.