Sam looked at Crowley as he hitched his pant legs up an inch or so and sat down on one of the steps facing Sam. "So."

Sam gave a sharp exhale. "So." He regarded him for a second and Crowley leaned forward to rest his face in his left hand. "Now what?"

Crowley looked to the floor. "Fancy a smoothie?"

Sam blanched. "What?"

Crowley looked to him. "I was just guessing you might be hungry about now."

"But you don't need to eat?"

Crowley shrugged. "I don't need to drink scotch either."

"So why do you?"

Crowley lifted his head to gesture his left hand. "Because I like it?" He replaced his face in his hand.

Sam's mouth began to form words and then he stopped, pausing for a second. "Hold on," he put his hand out, "are you-?" He tipped his head forward a little. "You're asking me on a date, aren't you?"

Crowley leaned back on the concrete, lowering his hand and looking away from Sam as he stood. "If you're going to be such a woman about sitting at the same table-"

"Is it just sitting at the same table?" Sam asked him.

Crowley sighed as he came to standing and looked at Sam. "No." A smile threatened Sam's face. "It's eating and drinking at the same table while you pretend you're not feeling me up under the table and everyone else there pretends not to feel sick in their redneck mouths."

Sam smirked. "You're asking me on a date."

Crowley rolled his eyes and began to climb the steps. "Americans, honestly. You suck them off once and suddenly they want commitment from you." Sam shook his head and began to follow him as he got to the top. He stopped and turned his body back to Sam, keeping his feet firmly on the ground and pointing with his left hand. "If you get pregnant don't come to me expecting wedding rings."

Sam got to the stop of the stair. "If you can't wear a condom why would I expect you to fulfil your duties as my baby daddy?"

They turned to each other and Crowley gave Sam a begrudging smile. "Where is the nearest shit-in-a-cup joint that's beside a bar?"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "I've spent out whole marriage telling you to just ask for directions and now you do it?"

Crowley let out a tiny laugh and walked away. "You can sit at your own table, Moose."

Sam smiled and then slowly followed him. "My mother was right about you."

.

"Where is he?" Kevin asked when he and Charlie got back to the main room. They found Dean with his head in his hands sitting at one of the tables with a full glass of scotch on the table at his back and Cas just walking in from the kitchen with a coffee that he'd planned to try and persuade Dean to drink instead.

Dean raised his head and his face relaxed to stern when he saw Kevin there. "Kevin-"

"Where is he? Did he tell you where my mom is?" Kevin leaned on the table, but towards Dean.

"No, he didn't-" Cas began, looking at Dean with worry.

"What?" Kevin looked between them. "What's wrong?"

"He didn't tell us, Kevin. You just let us handle-" Dean began.

"Let you handle it?" Kevin shouted. "My mom is out there somewhere in God knows what state, alone, in pain and probably worried sick and he knows where. But you think I'm going to let you handle it?" He shook his head and turned on the spot.

Dean stood up and took a step with him. "I said I would deal with it, and we have been dealing with it while you were off on your little vacation."

"You've been dealing with it?" Kevin stepped back towards Dean. "You haven't done anything!"

"Kevin-" Cas tried to cut in.

He took his step back towards Dean who shifted on his feet, ready for anything. "Sam only managed to get two names out of him this whole time because you were too busy humping your own divine offering." Kevin gestured to Cas.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean demanded.

"God sends his own little offering to the 'righteous man', bailing you out time and time again, putting his life on the line for you." He pushed Dean back. "For what reason? To save the world or some twisted costume party between Michael and Lucifer? Must be nice to be a Winchester. Sam got his powers and fix from that demon Lucifer sent whereas the older brother gets unlimited lives and his own personal-" Kevin pursed his lips closed as if trying to strangle the words before he said them. "-slave for you to do what you want with-"

Dean cut in. "Hey!"

"It's sick!" Kevin shouted back

"You listen to me." Dean stepped forward and pointed back to Cas. "What's going on with me and Cas has nothing to do with you. He's his own person. Yeah, he was sent to get me out of Hell but every choice he's made since then has been his own, that's what me and Sam tried to teach him in the first damn place - that he had choices, he didn't have to blindly follow rules and orders. We will get the information from Crowley and we will find your mom but you have to let us do this."

"Why?" Kevin demanded.

"Because going in there and punching him got you nothing!"

"It got me more than you two have. It got him to admit that my mom was alive in the first place. All Sam ever got was two demon names and a reversed version of Stockholm syndrome. He's sitting there defending him and Crowley's demanding to see Sam. If they weren't too busy playing at be best friends and you weren't so busy letting Little Dean make your choices-"

Cas stepped forward, in front of Dean, pushing the coffee into his hands as he did so. Dean took it before he'd even registered that Cas was walking past him. "Dean's right, my choices have always been my own and now I chose not to stand there and listen to you any more. We are dealing with things you can't even imagine right now. If Dean says we will find your mother then we will." Kevin opened his mouth to argue. "Regardless of your lack of faith I will not have you stand there and speak ill of my relationship or my actions." Cas stared for another couple of seconds before he stormed away.

Dean took Cas' place in front of Kevin. "I get that you're angry and scared. I am too right now, you've no idea how much," Kevin saw Dean's jaw tighten and found himself believing that statement, "but you," he pointed at Kevin aggressively, "are way out of line." He lowered his hand and took off after Cas.

Kevin turned and he and Charlie watched Dean disappear into the corridor.

"Do you get the feeling they're not telling us everything?" Charlie asked as she walked to stand beside Kevin.

"All the time," Kevin agreed trying to calm himself.

.

"Cas!" Dean said as he caught him up, just as he began pacing his room. "It's okay."

"It is not okay," Cas answered, pointing to the doorway and tilting his head away from Dean as he spoke and paced. "What he is implying is not okay, Dean, not with me." He turned and paced again. "We have more than that, you said that, you said what we have is more than that."

"I know I did and I meant it-"

"I- I gave you enough chances to walk away, you can always walk away, you always have that choice-" He turned again, still not looking at Dean as he rambled.

"I know I do," Dean said, his voice sounding more confused now. "What does that-?"

"You can walk away from our relationship, you can walk away from our friendship, you can walk away from me-"

"Cas, what-?"

"Implying that I'm just here for you as some kind of servant, some kind of whore-!" he exclaimed.

Dean walked to him and took his shoulders to turn him. "Look at me, please." Cas turned to him but his face fell to the side. "It's all wrong, we know that." Cas shook his head sadly and Dean tried to lower himself to see his face. "He's scared about what's happening with his mom, he's scared for her and for himself and for us and-" Dean exhaled. "He doesn't even know everything and he's just lashing out because he feels helpless and worried." Cas' eyes moved to Dean's. "Come on," Dean shook his head with an expression that was halfway between dismissive and disgusted, "we both know that what he said wasn't true?"

Cas lifted his head. "Then why does that sound like a question?"

"It's not?" Dean said.

Cas' eyebrows raised in shock and then he tilted his head, his eyes tensing again. "Do you believe him?"

"No!" Dean protested, his hands dropping from Cas' arms.

Cas stared. "Then what is that?"

"What is what?" Dean asked.

"That question in your eyes."

"There isn't-"

Cas stepped right towards Dean. "It's in your eyes." Dean made to take a step back. "Don't." Dean froze and looked back at Cas. "I can see it in the way you're looking at me, in the way you speak." When Dean tried to avoid his eyeline he just tilted his head the other way. "Dean." Dean closed his eyes so Cas reached out and took his jaw in his left hand and made him look at him. "I won't ask you again." Dean looked over his face. "If I have to walk away this all changes."

The muscles in Dean's mouth and neck twitched as he swallowed nervously and slowly. "I-" He looked to the side a little and Cas let him, keeping his hand on his face. "I am- I do wonder if you... like this." Cas looked confused. "I get it now, I like certain things. That's just who I am, I get it. But is it who you are?"

Cas watched Dean looking at him and he replayed the question in his mind, trying to make sense of it. And then it hit and his expression softened. Dean knew he understood. "Are you asking if I'm-" he paused. "Do you think I'm serving you?"

Dean inhaled deeply. "Are you?"

Cas' hand fell from Dean's face. "Why would you think that?"

"Cas, from the minute I met you you have been completely focused on me. That first meeting Bobby may as well have been invisible, you didn't answer Sam after Hell. Whenever you mess up you don't answer my prayers as if you're afraid of what I'm going to say. Like I'm going to get you in trouble or something. And then you talk about possession." Cas searched his face for more explanation. "You say that you've pieced me back to together, mind, body and soul. You know Sam's memories just from pulling him from the cage. I'm worried that you know me so you're just... accommodating me."

"I told you, whatever you wanted-"

"I could have, I know." Dean nodded. "But what about what you want, Cas?"

"I want what you want," Cas replied.

Dean's forehead dipped. "That's what I was afraid of." He shook his head as his eyes watered. "Cas, you can't just-"

"What? I can't what, Dean!?" He shouted and took a few steps backwards, suddenly finding himself angry. "I can't want your happiness?"

"That's not-"

"That's not what? Normal? Too kinky?" He scrunched his nose up and Dean watched the man in front of him change, everything he said and did, all of his gestures and inflictions changed to angry and upset, emotional and spiteful in fluctuating measures. "Is it too messed up for you?" He gestured to himself. "We've been over this a hundred times, Dean. I was sent here to save you, to help stop the apocalypse and save the Winchesters. That was it. Pull Dean from the cage and help, then come home. So much has happened since then, I'm not the same angel who left Heaven and I don't want to be. Wanting you to be safe is in my wiring, Dean. But wanting your happiness is in my heart. I am my own person."

Dean took a step forward. "I'm just scared-"

"I told you that Kevin could think for himself, that he was not your puppet." He glared at Dean. "Is that what you think of me?"

Dean shook his head. "No." He reached for Cas but Cas pulled away. "Cas, please."

Cas shook his head and took another step backwards. "No, Dean. Is that what you think of me?" Dean shook his head. "Everyone has been using me for a puppet so why don't you?"

"No-!" Dean protested, taking the step with him.

Cas took another step so that his back hit the wall and Dean felt himself follow him without hesitation. "Just pulling strings."

"Cas, please look at me." Dean looked over his face almost frantically, searching out for some connection with those familiar blue eyes that almost made him feel so normal and safe.

Cas scoffed. "Just pull the right string, master."

Dean looked down and made a desperate sound in the back of his throat which sounded so much like a sob that Cas actually looked at him. "Cas, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound like- I just want you to want it."

"And my word is not good enough?" Cas looked away as Dean looked up briefly.

"It is!" Dean reached out as if to touch Cas but he shrunk back, as if scared to touch him. "I just need-"

Cas looked at him that time, letting Dean see him doing so. "What do you need?"

Dean lifted his head to the ceiling and exhaled. "Everything is falling apart around us. Sam and Crowley, Kevin's mom and I need-" He grunted and tuned to the side but Cas put his left hand to his face quickly to stop him mid-turn. "Cas-"

"You need what?"

Dean looked away from Cas. "I feel like I need- But I'm scared to ask in case- And then Kevin said all of those things and I just-" He grunted again and pulled a little against Cas' hand.

Cas' eyes narrowed as he thought he understood while Dean shifted on his feet as if he needed to run but wasn't. Cas looked down at them and then to his hands, they were in the air as if about to free hiself from Cas but Cas realised he was trying to fight the urge to run away, to get free.

"You need to know I want this-" Cas reached out his other hand and grabbed Dean's shirt, pulling him towards him. "You need to know I'm as kinky as you before you'll truly let it go." Dean pursed his lips together and closed his eyes as Cas brought his lips close to his, speaking low. "Before you truly give yourself to me." Dean groaned low in his throat as if trying to agree but involuntarily letting it out. "Dean, I've been holding back," Dean's eyes opened, "because I wasn't sure how ready you were for me to do this. But it seems that I need to let go before you'll trust that I want this." His hand let go of Dean's shirt. "So here it is, I'm not holding back anymore."

Dean realised he'd stopped breathing. He looked over Cas' face, his gestures had stopped being angry and spiteful, upset and emotional. They seemed to be Cas again but in a different way. He was looking at Dean with the same intensity as he always had but there was something else in it, something that just seemed to be filled with energy. Dean inhaled quickly, through his nose, as something buzzed in his spine.

Cas looked from his eyes down to his throat and his hip then back up. His left hand was still on the side of Dean's face and he slowly rubbed up and through the side of Dean's hair. Dean expected him to pull it but he just lowered his hand and stroked again. Dean had the weird feeling, like he was being petted but it was soothing and made the buzzing tingle a little. He closed his eyes and leaned into it.

"Dean," Dean opened his eyes again to Cas smiling at him, much as he had done in Zachariah's projected, but with a tinge of something else. As if he was high on a completely different drug - him, "what is it that you need?"

There it was again, that infliction that told Dean it wasn't a casual question - he wanted an answer. Again, it was more intense this time, as if all of the other times had been restrained and scaled down.

"I need-" Dean's arms were limp in the air and he wanted to grab onto something. He wanted the words to be within his grasp but he couldn't find them. "I don't know how to say it." He exhaled.

Cas reached his right hand to Dean's left and stopped. "Take my hand." Dean did, without question. "I'm here. Find the words." He pulled Dean's hand and arched his back away from the wall to press Deans hand into his back. "Come here." Immediately Dean's hands were on his torso and Cas' hands in his hair, stroking up and down on the side and side to side at the base. "Find the words, Dean."

Dean closed his eyes and inhaled. He found his nostrils filled with the man's scent. He turned his head into Cas' neck, searching out for more. He smelled the bubble bath from the bathroom, meat from the burgers he'd made, paper from the research they'd been doing. He didn't smell aftershave but he did smell his own, he smelled his sheets, his coffee and his car.

"I need you to make me forget for a little while," Dean mumbled and felt Cas' aroma seep into his open mouth, "I need you to wake me up."