Diva

Kurt Hummel is a diva and, sometimes, he's definitely not hesitant to show it.

Chapter 1- The Pizza

It was a day for celebration in the Hummel-Hudson household.

The family had been a cohesive unit for a year now and they thought that instead of Burt and Carole going to some fancy restaurant, they would celebrate the way they started out as a family. With takeout and a good movie. Unfortunately, for a family as different as them, even something as trivial as this could not end well. In their house, they (read: Kurt) had devised a schedule in which each member of the family would hold the rights to certain family privileges on certain days of the week. After his return from Dalton Academy, Kurt had constructed a laminated version of this schedule and demanded that ("in order to maintain a correct family dynamic") they stick to it. Whenever they had takeout, there was a weekly timetable in order to determine who selected their destination. There was a chart for who was the picker of the movie that they all had to sit down and watch together. There was the dishwasher and the dryer and, finally, the special VIP member that week who could choose a dessert that Kurt would have to make for them.

And sometimes, just sometimes, the stars and the planet would align and, just to make everything so much more difficult for the clan, the schedule would read like this:

Takeout: Finn

Movie: Kurt

Dishwasher and Dryer: Burt and Carole

Dessert: Kurt

Burt and Carole had protested initially when the schedule had been read out. Burt simply didn't want to watch another one of Kurt's old movies and Carole resented the times she had been forced to eat one of Finn's takeout choices. She could still feel the grease on her skin. But nobody protested against the choices more than Kurt himself.

Finn had been ecstatic when he had seen that it was his turn to pick the food but he also feared for his life.

It had been Kurt that perused the fridge and saw how the chart had aligned this week. It had been Kurt who had let rip an almighty tirade of crass insults towards Finn and, of course, it had been Kurt who refused to eat. Carole had tried to mitigate the destruction by reminding Kurt that he could always "atone for the grease by making one hell of a healthy dessert" but Kurt had shaken his head and glared at Finn. Finn had tried to excuse himself by stating that Kurt been the one who had installed the schedule into their lives but that had just gained him another insult. Burt stayed (wisely) silent throughout the entire exchange, not wanting to unleash to wrath of Kurt unto himself because that was as crazy as telling Sue Sylvester that you couldn't attend Cheerios practice.

"So, Finn", Kurt had said through gritted teeth, "where would you like to order from?" Finn had grinned widely before saying the one word that would make Kurt's head explode and eyes pop out of their sockets before scowling.

"Domino's."

Burt was resigned to shaking his head and silently whispering prayers up to the sky, hoping God could tame Kurt's wrath.

The number one rule of the food choice was that the person responsible could choose what type of food everybody had but they could pick their own toppings if necessary. However, there was a get-out clause. Three months ago, Kurt had made them a healthy meal of some French crap that Finn had no idea how to say and Kurt had told them to 'go crazy' in personalising it. So Finn, as ballsy as ever, had taken out the hot sauce from the cupboard and, before Kurt could protest, drenching his whatever-it-was with the condiment. Kurt was seething. He demanded that Finn be taught a lesson in eating proper meals with hot sauce but Burt had advised him to eat his own meal. Finn had found the mixture lovely with the addition of his condiment, to the displeasure of Kurt, but Carole had asked Kurt to swap Finn's meal with the leftovers so Finn could enjoy the meal. Kurt had gotten exactly what he had wanted, but Finn was allowed to do the same. That meant that Finn could pick Kurt's toppings. He didn't have to like it so, as long as it wasn't anchovies which everyone had agreed that should have never been put on pizza, Finn could choose as a surprise.

Finn logged onto the website and started choosing the orders. Burt had gotten a substantial tip from a mall tycoon of $250 dollars, so Finn started piling on the toppings until the maximum limit was reached. Finn created his own large pizza and topped it with pepperoni, bacon rashers, chorizo sausage and pork meatballs, doubling everything for the maximum effect. Carole had chosen a simple ham and pineapple pizza, a small because she was trying to minimise the weight put on to maybe calm Kurt a little. Burt had gotten the same as Finn and then it was time for Kurt's surprise to unfold. Kurt had insisted on healthy options but Finn had another idea.

Clicking the same pizza that Finn and Burt had chosen, Finn clicked 'order' and waited for the surprise.

When Kurt actually opened his pizza, however, Finn regretted his decision.

"Finn," Kurt regarded him calmly, "would you mind edifying me on what crazy Neanderthal attitude that one would have to be a victim of would even remotely inspire you to assemble to most greasy, disgusting heap of ingredients that only somebody as gross as you would attempt to call a passable excuse for food?"

Burt and Carole rolled their eyes. Here we go…

"Dude come on, it's delicious." Finn tried, regarding his own pizza with a hungry grin. Kurt sighed.

"I can only assume that this is what the inside of your stomach closely resembles. This does not look delicious in any plausible way but it rather looks like something that you would find festering in a room full of disease-ridden trolls when they've projectile vomited everywhere and their rotting brains are convincing them that it would be a good idea to pick each other's noses. This is not food, Finn Hudson and I vehemently refuse to even put one slice of this slop into my mouth lest I come down with some affliction that can only be considered deadly and highly damaging for my perfected complexion. So have fun sluggishly inhaling your infected rat carcass, but just wait until it's my next turn. I am going to concoct a meal so healthy that you won't eat for the entire night."

Burt's eyes bulged. Wow, that was one hell of a speech.

"Kurt. It's pizza. You like pizza." Finn debated. Carole winced. Finn should know better than to debate with an angry Kurt.

"I like pizza when it doesn't look like it's been rained on by a heavy stream of over-processed slop. I like pizza when I can make my own using my basil pesto sauce and a matzo crust and when I can include some zucchini or some cauliflower. This is not pizza. It's dung. It's more akin to some plant fertiliser than it is pizza. So next time you want to waste what I can assume is twenty dollars on this sure fire scheme to force me to break into hives, rethink your life choices and maybe splash out on something that doesn't look like it's been left to rot for centuries." And with that, Kurt fled the room, presumably to eat something heart-healthy and slimming.

Carole looked down at her own pizza, rethinking her own choices and replaying every valid point that Kurt presented to them all. She shut her lid, putting her pizza to the side.

"Good choice, Carole." Kurt shouted from the kitchen. How? How had he known that she would close the box as the other two men shovelled the pizza into their mouths, making quick work of it?

Then she realised that Kurt was one of those extremely observant ninja people.

"Finn, please chew your food." He added, knowing without even hearing that Finn was biting and swallowing, his teeth sitting idly by whilst the pizza sailed down his throat. How he hadn't choked yet was beyond everyone.

It was their family night and others would have said it was ruined by the lecture, Carole had only seen it as evidence that, as dysfunctional as their family was, it worked. They worked.

Author's Note: So here is the first oneshot of Kurt's inner diva showing up. The next ones will be probably thematic, depending on what kind of Glee characters I'm liking at the time and what kind of mood I'm in. Review! xxxx