Chapter 15: Tired Eyes and Weary Bones

Levi knew better than anyone that the war with the titans had worn on long enough. He was coming up on ten years since he had reluctantly joined the Scouting Regiment. A whole decade he had served, mostly alone ever since Isabel and Farlan… passed away. Looking over all the new cadets and many of his fellow comrades, Levi suddenly realized just how long it had been since then. None of them had seen the things he had, and those who did were long dead. If anything, discussing events of the past were sure giveaways of how young these new recruits were, or how old Levi was getting.

Levi begrudgingly acknowledged that he really wasn't as old as he claimed to be (he was still younger than Erwin), but these 'kids' had too much energy, were too loud, and too naive. His position required him to view them as soldiers, but sometimes he couldn't help but see them as children, still teenagers. Of course, he too had been forced to grow up and see things no child should ever have to see too fast, which is why sometimes he catches a glimpse of himself in them and it disturbs him. And yet, there was a specific soldier under his command that was way too energetic, was occasionally too loud, and initially appeared naive but had not a single trait of similarity to him in them. That soldier was Petra Ral. And Petra made him feel old.

It wasn't until they were having a particular conversation that Levi was struck by just how young she was. Petra was mature for her age, though her warm amber eyes betrayed her maternal character. She carried herself well and never backed down from a fight. Sure, she was as stubborn as a mule, which is why they often got in arguments, but that was also why he admired her. Gunter and Erd were discussing something about the politics of many a year before when Levi walked into the other room. Auruo was trying to flirt with Petra and Petra was pointedly ignoring him while trying to concentrate on writing a letter, presumably to her father.

"Say, Captain do you remember when that was? I was only twelve or so, but I remember seeing it on the broadsheets," Erd said, looking to him.

"Yeah, I was just about the same age. It was right about when I decided to enlist," Gunter added.

Levi took a moment as he pulled up a chair and sat down alongside the rest of his squad. Petra's eyes flickered up to look at him, curious as to his response. "I remember it was a fucking shit show. Even I heard about in- well, I was a teenager anyways." Levi's face was tense and concentrated, as if he was trying not to say too much or maybe trying not to relive the memories.

Auruo shrugged. "I may not have been as old as you guys, but I recall my parents talking about it quite a bite." The men turned to look at Petra, who was trying not to look anxious. They all knew she was several years younger than the rest of them, even though she was arguably one of the more responsible in the squad.

Petra flushed from their gazes focused on her. She swallowed thickly. "Um, well I don't remember much since I was so young. B-but I overheard my father talk about it sometimes." Petra nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

Auruo turned to look at Petra, his eyebrows raised. "So how old were you? Just a little kid?"

Petra blushed, seemingly self-conscious. "I guess I was about...seven or eight?" Her eyes flickered up to Levi's automatically, in fear of his reaction. His eyes were hardened and yet strangely unreadable. Levi caught a glimpse panic flash in her eyes as she realized the gravity implied by the conversation. She was just a child when he had been a fully grown teenager. So what did that put between them? Eight, ten years? Or even more?

Levi continued staring at Petra even as she distractedly looked back down at her letter, her pen limply teetering between her slender fingers. The other guys had already started up a new conversation, leaving him the space to keep his eyes trained on her. As he watched her try and scribble down a few words, Levi felt something in his stomach plummet. Instead of writing to her father about her increasing titan kill count and her harsh and abrasive captain, she ought to be writing to her lover or fiance somewhere, talking of settling down into a nice, quiet life, far far away from titans or the dangerous outside world. He had stolen a life that she more than deserve and had sentenced her to inevitable servitude so long as the war against the titans existed in the foreseeable future.

Retreating to his quarters that night, Levi consciously felt the aching in his bones and the strains in his muscles for the first time. While he was a little ways away from being middle-aged, he had been going too fast for too long. Just because he stood as a pristine pillar for humanity and a veritable demigod within the military did not mean that he was not fractured and vulnerable. After all, he was only human. Only his squad members saw him when he was injured or at his lowest. And it had only been Petra who he felt free enough to divulge his innermost thoughts and emotions to. In the ten years he had been in the scouting regiment, Levi still felt he had accomplished very little. He was growing older and the odds of him coming back alive after each expedition continued to decrease with every trip.

More than anything else, Levi was tired. And a few months later when a certain brat named Eren Jaeger would join the motley crew that was the Special Operations Squad, Levi would feel that tiredness tenfold. He was tired of pretending like he knew exactly what was going on within the Scouting Regiment. He was tired of looking in Erwin's eyes and playing along with whatever contract he had reluctantly (and unwillingly) signed up for, being his pawn and right-hand man for the rest of his life. But more than anything else Levi was sick and tired of sneaking around with Petra and dreaming of a life with her outside of the military, in a world with not titans. It was such a ridiculously ludicrous dream.

"Captain?" A soft questioning voice came through the door. Levi sighed softly. Of course she had to come by that night.

"Come in, Petra," he said, his tone betraying the exhaustion he had tried so hard to conceal with his usual stoic mask. He didn't turn as he heard the door quietly creak open, followed by her soft footfalls approaching him.

Levi heard a soft clack as she set a small tray next to the tall pile of paperwork he hadn't even touched. He could sense her standing just slightly behind him, burning holes into his back with her golden eyes.

"It's chamomile. I thought you might need it since you've seemed more tired than usual," she said. Still he did not turn to face her. Petra could feel the stress and tension radiating off from him and his broad shoulders.

"If you're bothered by the age-"

"I'm not." He cut her off abruptly, bitingly. Petra sensed that he was not being completely honest with her. Biting her lip, she bravely grabbed his shoulder and turned him so he looked at her with those dark, steely eyes. She maintained her grip on his shoulder and placed her other hand on her hip, signalling that she was not so reluctant to just leave him like this.

"Then tell me what's really bothering you," Petra said sternly, pleadingly. "Please." It was the same look in her eyes she had when she said let me in.

Levi heavily sighed, looking away from her piercing eyes. I'm getting too old for this Petra.

"You're n-"

"That is the goddamn problem," Levi glared at her. "I've been here for ten fucking years and we've accomplished fucking shit." Petra opened her mouth to disagree with him but one look at his sour expression discouraged her from doing so. "And I'm tired of watching all these new recruits come in and fucking die in six months while I'm still here." Levi ran a hand over his face, feeling completely drained. He felt as if he was but a husk of a man, diminished and empty.

Petra now placed both her hands on his shoulders and gently lowered herself onto his lap so she could meet his eyes with his. "I'm just tired, Petra. So damn tired," Levi murmured, letting his head drop against her collarbone. Petra sat there, holding him to her as he listened to her heartbeat through the fabric of her shirt.

"You're weary and so am I," Petra whispered into his ear, her words flowing from her lips like honey. "You may think you're growing old, but we all are as well. And don't let our age difference frighten you, because we're all going to die someday, and isn't the point to live life like you're going to die tomorrow?" Her cherry lips tweaked upwards into a sly but somehow sweet smile.

Eventually Petra led him to bed. She removed her clothes, leaving just her undergarments on and stripped him of his own before she crawled into bed beside him. She relished the feel of their skin pressed together and the sound of his heartbeat in her ear. Here, she could comfort him with her blood and flesh and take him away from the world for some secluded time.

"I won't leave you, so long as I am willing." Petra whispered just before she drifted off to sleep. Though her body and words soothed his aching bones and spirit, Levi knew that even she was no cure.