Past

He was a third year, tall and mighty while he stood over the halls beside his cousin. To his peripheral vision he noticed her again, it was a daily occurrence – their brief moments of eye contact throughout their days. She always looked away, her expression delicate and timid before she walked to class to avoid the crowd of girls that had already gathered around him and his cousin.

He had known her for years, his first memory of her in middle school as a quiet student who sat at the back. He noticed her eyes first when she walked into the classroom, that was how they met. No words to be spoken, just a mutual acknowledgement of each other's presence.

She took a seat far from him, following the seating plan as requested. When the teacher asked for the new student's introduction, she stood and introduced herself as Nanami Rei to the class. She said nothing more and sat back down.

Rumours began spreading about the girl as they wondered why she wore no uniform. No one tried befriending her, nor did she seem interested in wanting to be friends with anyone. She was so quiet to the point that she was invisible. Nobody cared to speak to her, even though she had no aura of intimidation.

She looked friendly, although distant. Mori turned away from the girl and averted his attention back to his cousin who asked if he would come to the sweet shop with him after class. He nodded.

Another time, he caught her reading in the library and that was when it all began. Mori had been researching for a science project and was on his way to check out a book. His attention was caught when he watched another boy approaching her to ask what she was reading. She responded and went back to the task.

"Why don't you smile?" the boy nudged her shoulder. She gave a small smile and looked back down to her book. Mori was tempted to tell the boy to go away so that he would stop bothering her. But it didn't look like she was bothered.

He knew that boy.

He was the son of a man that was in the high ranks of the yakuza. Mori withheld his judgement from the boy when he noticed him making her smile. He checked out the book and left the two alone.

She was always by herself, except for that boy who came around every so often. He noticed them on the bench one day, sitting in the courtyard. He was asking her questions, and she responded. She said nothing more than needed and nothing less than what was asked. Them spending time together was not a strange occurrence. The boy came around more often to see the girl and Mori took note.

Did she seem peculiar? Not to Mori. Not to the boy. She was intriguing.

It was a sunny day and the light illuminated her dark brown hair that reached her waist. She sat comfortably on the bench, her arms crossed as she looked toward the fountain and away from the boy. She listened to him. Mori found that they had that trait in common. They often were the listeners.

He watched from a window that faced them on the bench. The boy tapped her on the shoulder as if to ask her to look at him. She did.

He kissed her sweetly on the lips.

And she smiled.

Mori left.

Mori was heading home from kendo practice one afternoon. As he was walking down the halls of Ouran he saw the two again. It had been months since he'd seen them. The boy played with her hair while she studied for their German exam outside under the gazebo. Mori knew, because he had nearly had the same classes with Rei together for two years in a row. She was intelligent, always top of the class. She began beating him last year in overall exams.

Mori watched as the boy moved hair out of her pale face, placing the strands behind her ear to kiss her cheek. He then took her book and placed them to the side. He spoke to her.

Mori wondered what he was saying.

How beautiful she looked? How intelligent she was? How he wanted to play with her, not watch her? His mind contemplated the possibilities.

Mori turned from the window and kept walking.

One day after the summer break, she dyed her hair. The dark brown was then lightened to a rich, auburn-red colour. She still kept the same distant demeanour from everybody. Nobody really noticed the drastic change, and it didn't seem like she cared if anybody did bother to comment.

Sometimes she braided her hair. Other times, she placed it in a high ponytail when they wrote tests. There was a fringe that framed her face. Her eyes were brown. It was the first thing you'd notice about her. Her eyes were rather large in proportion to her small face.

But it didn't matter what colour her hair was. Every morning, they made eye contact and each time they looked away without a single thought.

Mori walked by an empty classroom during his lunch break. He was looking for Honey but instead he caught a smidge of their conversation.

"Are you avoiding me?"
"I suppose I am."
"Why?" He sounded angry.
"Father isn't happy about you."
"What have I done wrong?" He raised his voice. "I want nothing more than to be with you."
"I know."
"So what do you want? Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to break this off?"

Mori never stayed long enough to hear the answer.

Many adults would have scoffed at their age. They were only children after all. No one cared enough to take their feelings seriously, no matter how serious it seemed. They were just barely in high school, with their last year in middle school to complete. Mori knew that she knew this too.

Adults often had a habit of dismissing the emotion of children. They had heard it all before. They were silly and young. They didn't know what love was. Relationships were never meant to last at their age. Everything was bound to end in pain and sorrow, needless pain was what many adults would agree to describe teenage heartbreak as.

Mori continued to look for his cousin.

The boy's name was Kai. Just Kai, nothing more, nothing less. He had dark hair, but there were streaks of red, something that he had done over their winter break. He stood tall with a thin frame. His eyes were a dark brown, but looked more obsidian at first glance. He stood aloof with a smirk on his face. His expression begged to scream that he was nothing more than trouble to adults.

Mori was patiently waiting for Honey by the school's entrance gate when he saw the boy smoking with a group of friends. He laughed and joked with them. They were a rowdy group of kids, except for him. He stood his ground without ever needing to raise his voice. He was the voice of the group. He was the leader.

There was a tug on his pant leg and he looked down to his bright eyed cousin.

"Takashi, let's go. I don't like them," Honey pleaded.

Mori lifted his cousin up to his shoulders and turned away from the group.

"Do you know them, Takashi?"
"No."
"Were they interesting then?"
"I guess."

Honey giggled and changed the topic to what he wanted to eat for dinner. Strawberry cake, the usual. Mori put his little cousin down when their car came to pick them up. His mind was preoccupied with the boy, Kai. But mostly, his mind wandered to Rei.

Mori came to note that it was a daily occurrence to see them together in the cold or in the warm weather, in rain or shine. They took a spot behind a pillar and beneath shelter on the particularly bad days. When days were nice, they spent their lunch breaks and occasionally time after school on their usual bench.

On a windy day, she sat there quietly reading her novel. Her hair had changed to a shade of brown. She began wearing makeup this year. It was their first year of high school. However, it wasn't very noticeable. Only a little bit of eyeliner, and the occasional tint of colour on her lips. He sat beside her on the same bench, his back leaning against her shoulder as he lit his cigarette.

They talked less now.

When he was done with the cigarette, he got rid of the last bit and threw it into the fountain. Rei frowned at the gesture and shook her head disapprovingly. The boy only smiled and kissed her cheek, as if to reassure her that it didn't matter.

Her nose scrunched up and she closed the book.

She said something and he held his hand out. They made a pinky promise.

Mori turned away, again.

He saw Kai smoking on a daily basis and hanging around other sons of the yakuza. Their parents had enough money to spare for their children's education. Unfortunately many of these kids followed in their parents' footsteps. He overheard him making plans of going out that night, marking his father's territory in the city. But what Mori never saw again, was him smoking in front of Rei.

She didn't like him smoking, but she never stopped him from doing so.

Did that make her bad?

Mori could not decide. It was never a choice for him to start or stop thinking about her. She was a daily occurrence. A day was not complete if he didn't think about her and Mori never cared to know why his mind wandered towards Rei. Thoughts of Rei never bothered Mori.

Kai never bothered Mori either. They never spoke, nor did Kai ever notice him staring. Mori was never jealous of the boy. He was uneasy about him around Rei, but never once had Kai hurt her. He only made her smile. He was playful and she was reserved. Mori could not deny that Kai was in love. How silly it seemed, to be in love when they were so young.

But their love was not silly.

Mori finally understood.

He felt envy.

He was envious of them.

She had grown taller over the years, her stature was still frail like her personality. Mori could not help but to steal more glances at her now. She smiled occasionally, towards the pages of her books or to Kai. She kept a small smile when classmates asked her questions but she never changed.

She was distant but never cold.

Kai came to school less often. Their relationship seemed to be the same. Kai only came to school to see her. He stole a couple kisses here and there, told her stories while she listened intently. He was in love with her because she was his only constant. He lived in a world of darkness while she brought him the only thing that made him feel happy.

And she didn't mind.

Because every time she looked into his eyes, he was sincere and that was all that made her stay.

Mori always stopped to watch them. The more he watched, the more he ached.

There was one day when Mori had mustered up the courage to ask her something.

She was sitting in the library, studying for their history exam. As usual, she found a spot by the window because it seemed to him that Rei liked looking outside when she needed a break. Mori took a seat in front of her quietly. He wondered if he was too quiet to the point that she didn't even look up. Was she too engrossed in the textbook?

But she knew he was there. Rei stopped writing after a few minutes and looked up to see the tall boy she shared glances with over the past few years. They had never been so physically close before.

"Hello," she politely greeted.
He nodded in acknowledgement.

She never asked him to leave. She let him sit there as he pleased. Mori opened up his textbook and pretended to be studying. He couldn't even if he tried.

"Why do you love him?"

Rei stopped midway through her writing and looked at the tall boy. She didn't seem offended, just caught off guard. Rei couldn't offer much of an answer except a shrug. She couldn't help it. She saw Kai in ways nobody else did. She was too deep in the whirlpool of emotions to even try to escape. Rei let herself go and accepted whatever sorrow was in store for the future.

"Is it worth it?"
"I don't know yet."

And with that, Mori left her.

Kai never came to school in their second year. Rei still sat in their spot, as if she waited for him. Mori walked home one day, alone because Honey was sick at home. Mori heard rumours that spread about Kai being injured in a gang fight but they were only rumours after all. A few weeks later, whispers of Kai being brutally stabbed that eventually caused his death circulated around the school. But Rei still sat there in the autumn cold, a book in hand and her hair pinned in a messy bun.

Mori still made eye contact with her every morning, but by the end of the day she never attended class. Their literature class always had one empty seat.

One afternoon, Mori had handed in his assignment early to go to his kendo practice as instructed by his coach. Tournaments were beginning soon and he had given special privilege to skip his last class, as long as he completed all the work required. He walked by his usual route within the school, the one that always passed by the windows to the courtyard.

She sat there alone. No book in hand. Mori checked the time on his wrist. He still had time before practice. Before he knew it, his legs took him outside to the courtyard to find the girl smoking a cigarette. She looked eerily calm.

It was the same Rei he had known since middle school. Her hair had been swept up in a ponytail and her makeup was done the usual way. She closed her eyes as she took another drag and exhaled. Rei let the wind take away the smoke before crossing her legs to shield herself from the cold. She wore a thin navy blue scarf and pea jacket.

Mori took a seat beside the girl. Rei didn't even bother hiding the cigarette. She was never the type to ignore somebody, and as such she turned to acknowledge the boy's presence beside her.

"You can get suspended for that," he reminded. Mori made no gesture to take away the cigarette. She wasn't a child and Rei knew very well about the consequences about smoking on school property. Rei only nodded before taking another drag.

"Do you smoke often?"
"Only on particularly bad days."

That was all the time he had for her today. Mori stood up and left her to her own thoughts.

The next day, she sat behind the pillar with a book in hand. Rei sat there reading like it was her usual routine. She waited for him to come back, and they both knew it was only wishful thinking.

Honey brought up the subject one day, after their host club meeting when he noticed his cousin being quieter than usual.

"Do you like her, Takashi?" Honey wasn't blind. At first when he noticed Mori's glances towards the girl, he figured it was a coincidence. It always happened in the mornings. But to have it as a daily occurrence over the last few years? That would have been silly to dismiss as a mere coincidence. Honey had to admit that he wasn't particularly happy about it when he began to realize that Mori had developed a peculiar connection with her.

But Honey was not unreasonable. He loved his cousin and he wanted nothing more than happiness for him, even if it meant that Mori was no longer by his side. It took years to come to this conclusion and today, Honey had the courage to ask him about it.

But Mori said nothing and only looked away. He had a duty to Honey and Rei was not allowed to come between his family.

He felt another tug on his pant leg. He looked down to his cousin, his eyes pleaded for him to listen.

"It is okay if you do, Takashi."

Mori picked up his cousin and placed him on his shoulders. They walked home together.

Her grades slipped that year, or so far in the year. It was only half way through. She was no longer top of the class, a surprise for Mori when he noticed his name above hers. She wasn't in class to see the results. Rei already knew the results without having to check.

Mori wondered a lot about her. What did it feel like to deal with loss like that? Every so often, Mori saw her smoking outside in their usual spot. It was never a daily occurrence. Just any day, every couple of months, he'd find her in a haze. She never came back to class after she smoked. It must have been too much risk to be caught if she dared to step back into the classroom.

Mori found her behind the pillar that they used to exchange kisses behind. They spent their time together on particularly bad days, taking shelter from the cold or wind. She was sitting down, her back aligned against the stone while she basked in the shade. She cut her dark hair to her shoulder this year and wore her eyeliner a little thicker than years before. Always uniform-less, she kept an oversized hoodie over her to shield her from the cool breeze. The hoodie wasn't hers. It was his.

"Not a particularly bad day today?" Mori asked before sitting down across from her. They were alone.

She shook her head. "But every day is still a bad day."

They sat in silence for a while. Rei never told him to leave and Mori wouldn't have left even if she asked. She seemed like a hollow body filled with nothing but sorrow.

"I'm pathetic," she softly murmured.

Mori had no words to say. She did not cry. Her large eyes told him that she had no tears left to spare. She was well aware of what her behaviour seemed like and she asked for no sympathy from anybody. She was not ashamed of how she felt.

It was pathetic to any outsider. She was a heartbroken teenager mourning the loss of her boyfriend who happened to make the wrong choices. It was typical. Smoking was another outlet for her to mourn, to remember him, to pretend that he was alive. She made bad choices and she was well aware of them.

To Mori, she was broken but she was not lost. Staying high allowed her to keep him off her mind. She was mature enough to make choices without losing sight of the consequences.

"But I am not stupid," Rei finished. She got up and walked away. It was time to go home.

It was in nobody's place to judge what they had between each other. Rei still sat on the bench and read her novels on a daily basis. She took up the whole space now that he was gone, lifting her legs to block anyone from sitting beside her even though nobody did. Mori watched her read intently as the year went by.

It was a particularly cloudy day, with the rain threatening to pour any second. It didn't scare her. She sat on the bench, as if waiting to be soaked in the freezing cold water. Mori had been walking to their comparative literature class when he noticed her sitting there in another daze.

He couldn't help but to walk outside. Mori found himself sitting beside Rei once again, on the verge of being caught in a thunderstorm.

"You should go to class," she suggested. She had no malice in her words. It was nothing more than a friendly suggestion.
"Only if you go," Mori answered.

She always skipped the last class of the day. Mori never knew why. They listened to the wind howling and the dried leaves that scratched against the grey pavement.

"Do you miss him?"
She nodded.

"What do you miss most?"

Rei looked towards the sky and back to the ground. "I miss his voice." Kai often told her stories, or made her promises. He never failed to remind her that she was pretty, or that she should smile more often. He was sincere and he made her stay for him without even having to try.

She took a deep breath and sat back on the bench. "We had no future," she whispered. "I just thought we would at least have more time." Mori nodded in understanding.

A big cackle of thunder was heard before the rain fell like bullets. She had closed her eyes and her tears were camouflaged with the freezing rain. She sniffed and let the tears fall onto her cheeks. Rei let the pelting of water drown out her sniffling and whimpers. Within minutes, the rain ceased and the sun peaked out from the clouds.

She wiped away the water off her cheeks and glanced at the boy who only watched her cry. Mori was unsure of what to say.

"You should have gone to class," Rei tried to smile again as if to prove her point. She was soaked from head to toe and stood from their usual bench.

"Where are you going?" Mori asked.
"Home," she responded. "You should too, before you get sick."

And this time, he took her suggestion.

Mori saw her studying more often in the library instead of being outside in the courtyard. Casually, he took a seat across from her and began studying as well. As usual, she never went to her last period class. Mori closed his book. And yet with one look at her, he somehow wanted to find an excuse to stay.

"Why don't you go to class?"

She finished off her note and answered the question.

"My father teaches literature. I am exempted because I turn in all my assignments at least a week earlier than everybody."

Mori nodded. Was that an unfair advantage? Perhaps not. There was no rule against it in the student handbook. Rei was conscientious enough to have read the manual at least ten times over before attempting such a thing.

But this explained a lot. Her father was a professor, and as such, she was exempted from wearing a uniform so long as she was a scholarship student.

"He is a good teacher."
"So I've heard."
"Is he not?"
Rei shrugged. "He's just my father."

She looked back down to her note. She was nearly finished with the topic anyway. She had a spare period like Mori did after lunch and she planned to skip the last class as usual. Rei picked up her pen and finished the last sentence.

When she looked up, he was still there. His gaze gentle and curious. He was an odd one, showing up every once in a while. He was often surrounded by a group of girls in the morning and home form and that was all she knew of him.

"Was he worth it?"

They were back full circle with the same question he had asked years ago. Rei shrugged again and looked outside. She knew exactly what he meant and Mori never had to explain any further. Was Kai worth the pain and heartbreak? She sighed.

"I don't know still."

She never asked why he wanted to know. But a part of her was glad that he noticed while everyone else had no clue. Rei was not as invisible as she thought. It was kind of him.

"Why?"

His voice never demanded an answer. It was quiet, welcoming almost. He never seemed to judge her for her choices, however poor they were. He still came back. He still glanced at her every morning and that was how she knew he never minded.

"I'm not silly enough to waste my life mourning." That was why she got back on track with her studies, Mori noticed. "But I can't lie to myself and say that I don't miss him every day."

"How deep?"

How deep in love were you? How far were you willing to go for him? It was almost a strange skill that Rei was able to translate his questions without having much difficulty understanding his vague nature. She looked out the window and contemplated his question.

"On a good day, I would have run away with him. Most days, I would have kissed him and gone home feeling hopeless."

Their relationship was not perfect. Some days, Rei was deluded by the idea that love would have taken them to places so long as they were happy. She forgot that they were too young. Those were good days, the kind that you never wanted to end; those days that you could escape reality.

And most days, Rei was level headed enough to have a few hours of bliss with him. Then gone home with the reminder hanging over her head, telling her that she was only delaying the inevitable separation between the two. She was the daughter of a professor, and he was the son of a criminal. She couldn't change him, it wasn't her job to change a person against their will. Instead, Rei loved him for all his flaws. She did what she did best – stay for him.

Mori understood what she meant.

"And were most days worth it?"
"They used to be. But now, I am not so sure."

"Are you angry?" Are you angry at him for leaving you? was what he meant.
Rei looked at the boy who sat across from her. "Never for long." She was eternally forgiving to the boy who had broken her into pieces. Mori wondered how she was able to do that.

She stared at Mori for the first time. He had a sharp jaw, his shoulders were broad. His dark brown eyes stared back at her, his gaze was never fearing although Rei had a feeling that he could very well seem dangerous if need be. He was still an odd ball in her books. Quiet and soft spoken, he was much different than he seemed from afar.

"You should be in class," Rei reminded.
He shook his head. He didn't want to be in class. He wanted to speak with her.

She couldn't force him to go to class, so instead she asked if he would take a walk with her in the courtyard. He followed along, slowly trailing behind her as if afraid to take the empty spot beside her. The spot was still reserved for him and it felt wrong for Mori to take. It was the honourable thing to do.

She stopped beneath the bell tower and opened the door to climb up to the top. It was a steeper climb than expected, but at the top of the clock, there was an observatory. There it held a beautiful view of the entire campus.

"I wanted to show it to him."
"Why didn't you?"
"I found it too late."

She leaned on the railing, and looked around. "He liked to explore."
"But you liked to read," Mori noted. Rei looked away and smiled.
"Yeah, I liked to read," she repeated after him.

Mori found the place peaceful, and right when he found himself at peace the clock tower rang its bells. It was a shock and he gripped the railing a little tighter than he did before. Rei noticed but did not say anything. Kai would have gripped onto her and swore loudly. Then they would've both laughed. She found herself chuckling to thin air, prompting Mori to clear his throat out of embarrassment.

"Did you always watch us from afar?" It was the first question she asked him. To which he silently replied with a gesture that became all too familiar. He wasn't a man of words, apparently. Mori nodded.

"It wasn't sickening?" Rei shook her head at all the times he stole kisses behind pillars, or the days when Kai felt so tired that he slept with her in his arms while she read.

He shook his head. He envied them, mostly. Though he couldn't quite understand why he envied them so much.

"You are strange," the girl shook her head in confusion. "But kind," Rei didn't forget to add the most important part. "Thank you."

Her thank you was showing him the clock tower, because now there was nobody else to show if it hadn't been for him. She thanked him for listening to her, for being the only person who bothered to care. She left him on the top of the tower and walked home. He listened to the quiet tapping of her shoes while she walked down the staircase.

Mori sat down and admired the view. He watched her walk out of the clock tower, her long hair flowing with the wind.

"Takashi, where were you? I was trying to find you after your literature class," Honey pouted.
"Sorry," was all Mori could say before the two went off to their host club duties.

During the host club, he found himself in a daze. Of course, the girls deemed it as normal when Mori didn't reply straight away to their questions. It gave him more of a mysterious aura and thus, allowed for Mori to find himself thinking more about her than usual without any consequence. Honey ate his chocolate cake happily, and nudged his cousin to eat some. He opened his mouth obligingly, chewing the overly sweet dessert with no complaints.

When the club hours ended, Honey held onto his cousin's hand tightly and swung it back and forth while they made their way home.

"Did you go somewhere after class today?"
Mori shook his head. It wasn't a lie, technically. He was somewhere during class.
"Were you with the girl?" Honey wondered. "She seems nice."
Mori did not answer.

"Are you in love with her?" his cousin stopped in his tracks and waited for an answer. He frowned when Mori stayed silent. "Takashi," Honey dragged out his cousin's name. "Please answer."

Mori could only blink. He didn't know if he was in love with her. He was only intrigued by her.

"No."
"Okay," Honey did not want to upset his cousin. But he was still saddened by the idea of them parting ways one day. Honey had given Mori permission to like her and Mori, who could not forgive himself from deterring from the family duties, knew to make the proper choice. Only that even Honey knew it wasn't the right choice.

The pair continued walking as usual.

She became top of the class by the end of the year. Of course, she was never there to check her results. Rei had been in the gardens, slowly making her way through the maze. Kai used to make bets with her on who would beat the maze first and the loser had to owe the other a favour. He would waste his favours on her affection, usually another kiss as if he didn't steal enough from her already. At the end of the day, he wanted nothing but her. Rei would ask him to bring her things. It varied from books to flowers, and office stationary to food. Rei missed him today, and it was beginning to turn into a particularly bad day. It was sunny and bright. It would have been such a shame for it to turn into a bad day.

And on this particularly bad day, Mori had found her at the end of the maze. He stood there, his back leaning against the tall shrub beneath the shade. He didn't say anything when Rei saw him, and it wasn't a surprise to her when he didn't properly greet her unless she did so first.

"Hi," she spoke softly. He only nodded.

Rei kept walking and he trailed behind her, still careful not to walk beside her. She stopped near a bed of flowers and admired the butterflies that gracefully made their way to pollinate the lilies. Rei walked through the gardens today, remembering Kai's yearly tradition.

"He would bring wildflowers for me today," Rei whispered, to no one in particular. But Mori always heard her quiet voice.

"Why?" his deep voice contrasted greatly against hers.

"Because I made top of the class, did I not?" She certainly hoped so.
"You did," Mori confirmed.

She continued watching the butterfly until it flew off to another bed of flowers a couple metres ahead of the two.

"Is that why?" Is that why you are always the top of our class? was what he asked.

Rei smiled and shook her head. "Scholarship students have to maintain their ranks within the Top 10." She caught up to the butterfly that found itself beneath blossoming tree. "But it sure did offer a lot of incentive when he brought me flowers."

Even though at the back of her mind, he would have brought her flowers any day of the year so long as she asked for them.

Mori understood why she loved him as much as he did. He was thoughtful. Rei was his everything, his purpose and his reason to live in the midst of the mess he gotten himself into. And she saw that, she saw his sincerity above anything else. She was not blind to the way he lived, but she was blinded each time he spent time with her. When he left, Rei was brought back to the dreary reality. And when he left for good, Rei had to stay in the lonely reality by herself, forever.

She was beginning to form tears in her eyes when she turned away from him. He could hear her inhaling a deep breath. She looked up towards the sky in an attempt to keep her tears at bay. Rei closed her eyes and exhaled. She refused to let tears fall today.

Mori picked off a small branch of blooming flowers off the tree and walked in front of her. She blinked the droplets of water away and brought her eyes to focus on the branch presented before her. Mori ushered it forward and said nothing.

Rei slowly took the branch from his hand, and nodded in acknowledgement. She tried smiling, even though her throat was still caught.

"Thank you," she croaked.

Mori left the girl and he didn't see her until their last year together began.

A/N: It's a two-shot type of thing. Brace yourself, the next chapter is long. But thank you to those who have made it this far.