Welcome to part 1 of OUAT season 5. This is a very serious work of literary genius. Check your sense of humor at the door there's no room for it here.
This is chock full of references to spoilers so if you're trying to avoid them... well... not sure what you're doing here!
Congratulations on surviving the hiatus. One last laugh before the premiere!
Killian: Sooooo… Henry… how about you fix all this nonsense with that handy Pen you just gained control of last season
Henry: Riiiiiight, like it would be that easy.
Killian: You did something heroic didn't you?
Henry: Maaayyybe
Killian: *stares into camera like the office*
Henry: You realize this is an integral moment to my character development? I made a unilateral decision that sounded like a really good idea at the time.
Killian: All right… this calls for drastic measures. I think it's time for a bring your not-yet-stepson to pirating day
Henry: Do I get to embrace my growing teenage desire to be rebellious while also heroic?
Killian: Don't tell your mother. (There's no way this could possibly backfire!)
Zelena: Hello Aunty Reg, hello cutie *cuddles up to Robin*
Regina: What the hell are you doing here?
Zelena: *insert crazy eyes* The delicious pirate and I have come to an arrangement. I bring you all to Emma… I get to watch the captain and the dark savior having some bonding moments. I didn't want to miss it. I'm like their number one fan
CSers: (We are all Zelena)
Granny: Hey you! Greenie! Don't you come in here waving that around…
Zelena: *waves wand and a tornado engulfs the diner... definitely NOT a vortex*
Everyone:*absolute top notch Star Trek TOS style green screen acting*
Grumpy: WE'RE SPINNING! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
Granny: *eyes crossbow thoughtfully*
...Thump….
Hook: You weren't supposed to bring ALL of Grannies!
Fandom: k;jlksjdhfosdhfclkjlkhoww Look at his hair! LOOKATIT!
Hook: *runs hand through hair broodingly*
Fandom: *lies dying in their living rooms*
Hook: Your vortex had best have found its mark, witch.
Zelena: Not a vortex, dear Captain, they never work out well for you, do they?. Although I do love the way angst looks on you...
Charming: Well, I hate to interrupt this...whatever this is…but someone better go out and see where we are.
Everyone: SEND GRUMPY!
Blue Fairy: *opens mouth to give the heroes knowledge integral to saving the day*
Fandom: Sure… I mean, seems super shady, but sure.
Doc: What's with the clipboard, Granny?
Granny: Roll Call. I've been around long enough to be very suspicious when the supporting cast are off on the big adventure.
*starts checking off names*
Happy: surely that's a bit of overkill?
Granny: *with serious eye roll action* Have we forgotten the whole "Evil Snow heart ripping" incident?
Happy: *rubs chest thoughtfully* Yes, well, carry on then.
Doc: It looks quite safe here, I'm sure we'll be...
Granny: *turns sharply to Doc* Have you ever seen a movie? Don't say the famous last words...AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?
Doc: *confused* It's my red vest...oh. Red. Oh dear.
Happy and Grumpy: *high five*
Happy: Guess who is making it out alive this time!
Emma: *Rises creepily from the dark one's vault* Looks down… WHAT? You mean sparkly flamboyant leather based wardrobe doesn't come included with the package? If I'd known that then-
Killian: EMMA! You're not … sparkly?
Swan: No, sadly, but I think I need a long black flow-y jacket!
Killian: Maybe you should avoid dramatic black clothing, you know, symbolism and all that?
Swan: But I look so good in the long black flow-y jacket
Killian: the woman makes a fair point…Wait a sec… aren't you supposed to be all… you know… evil… and gone. Not that I'm complaining.
Swan: I'm contractually obligated to avoid the cameras while wearing black for the next couple of scenes. unless we get hit with a flash for-
Dark Swan: -ward.
Killian: that was abrupt
Dark Swan: Indeed, but we have so many gorgeous new dark one costumes to show off. It would be such a pity to miss out on so many opportunities to show them off in the first few episodes.
Killian: Has anyone seen my hook?
Charming: Again?
Dark Swan: *snicker*
Killian: Swan, what have I told you about messing with a man's hook?
Dark Swan: That it's sexy as-
Killian: Ah... um... *ear scratch* Shall we take this conversation... off the street perhaps...
Dark Swan: Do you remember that thing I said about needing my own place?
Killian: Aye?
Dark Swan: They finally came up with the money for a new set! *poofs them to a new set* It's perfect! You can hear the ocean from the master bedroom! It has two bedrooms, two baths ... and a dungeon in the basement.
Killian: A... dungeon?
Dark Swan: Some women have a guest bedroom full of shoes, I have a dungeon. Don't judge me.
Killian: Wouldn't dream of it.
Dark Swan: You know what we can do now in my new place?
CSers: (it's about bloody time)
Charming: Can anyone spare a sleeping curse?
Regina: It's mine.
Dark Swan: *knocks loudly on Regina's door*
Regina: Haven't you inconvenienced me enough already? What do you want now?
Dark Swan: I want to see Henry. Send him out to play!
Regina: He has homework. Don't you have a pirate to play with? Go be all sinister somewhere else.
Dark Swan: Oh now YOU'RE the good mom?
Regina: Well… yeah, have you seen your outfit? At least I still have sensible pant suits going for me.
Dark Swan: *magics up a birdhouse* Homework done, send him out.
Regina: That is not his…. oh who am I kidding. That probably is his homework
Killian: *Waves tiny cue cards* I have something I need to say!
Charming: We've never been able to stop you before…
Killian: I've been told this will make everyone tune in for the season premiere!
fandom: *side eyes* this isn't from the promo department is it… because we don't need anymore where those posters came from!
Killian : *cough* *voice deepens by two octaves* "Hello, ladies. Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Tragically, he isn't me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to 'salt, rum and something distinctly Killian', he could smell like he's me. Look down, now back up, where are you? You're on a ship with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand, back at me. I have it, it's an oyster with a magic bean to go to that place you love. Anything is possible when your man smells like 'salt, rum and something distinctly Killian.' I'm on a horse."
Dark Swan: …
Dark Swan: … Put me down as aroused and bewildered.
Fandom: Me too, Emma, me too
Charming: *nods*... I mean… You're not actually on a horse, Hook.
Killian: That's what the green screen is for
Fandom: OMG he's on a HORSE *inarticulate wailing*
Killian: see, it's great. I just say things and it happens. It's better than magic.
Dark Swan: *glares*
Killian: I mean… not better than your magic. Just hypothetical… non-terrifying-dark-girlfriend magic.
Dark Swan: good pirate. Wait a second, if he's on a horse that must mean we've hit a flash-
Emma: -back. Ow… whiplash…. And I'm back in rags. Flashbacks suck.
Charming: Hey look, a bunch of random Royal looking extras! They're probably not sketchy at all!
King Arthur: * talks about something important and royal *
*music swells*
Dave: * heart eyes * I've never felt anything this strong before…
Killian: *glares* What just like that you've a new best bro?
David: You're smothering me Killian. I need to meet new Royal friends!
Killian: Did captain charming friday mean nothing to you?! I thought our bro-love was real!
Granny: Ooh, now that's what a real King looks like.
Killian: Not you too, woman.
Granny: What? I'm old, not dead. Wonder what he would look like in leather…
Snow: Uh… true love over here? We broke a curse remember… literally share a heart?
Charming: *tails after Arthur like a puppy*
Killian: I'm sorry, Snow… I think we've lost him.
Snow: See if I wake you up the next time you catch a sleeping curse, Charming.
Killian: If it makes you feel any better there's a pretty decent chance that Arthur turns out to be the big bad of the season. Then you might be able to shoot him.
Giggling our way through the hiatus.
This very (very) serious chapter was brought to you by gusenitsaa, lynyrdwrites and kat2609 Leave us a review, a prompt for future insanity, or just come chat with us on tumblr!