Author's Note: Right, here we go - the latest story in the universe of Calvin and Hobbes: The Series. It's been some considerable time since Lost at Sea for our heroes, and things have been quiet lately. Well, quiet by their standards, anyway. However, things are about to get shaken up big time for them...

Sadly, this is a solo story with no contribution from Swing123, who seems to have moved on to bigger and better things beyond FanFiction, for which I wish him only the very best of luck. Still, I shall continue to contact him with various other ideas in future, so our partnership will still have a bit of life left in it.

Michael Johnson was known throughout his community as a fairly decent human being. This was only unique in that the world was usually full of crooks, liars and generally horrible people, so the fact that this guy was actually a half-decent person was worth taking note of. He routinely gave to charity, worked at the community center and always tipped generously at restaurants. He was even nice to the pizza delivery guy, even when he knew he spat on his pizza.

So one day, while he was out getting his paper, he surprised everyone on his street when he suddenly seemed to shout for no discernable reason. He had been in the process of bending over and picking up the increasingly obsolete bundle of news when he had let out a shriek of surprise that caused more than one person on his street to turn their heads in alarm, having not expected him of all people to make a noise that was in anyway disruptive.

Mike himself was unsure just why he had let out such a shriek. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary had happened. He had been just about to pick up the newspaper after having been in the process of bending over to pick it up when he felt a tremor in the ground, and he had looked up to see what was around. Imagine his surprise when he saw a huge scaly monster stomping down the street, growling and apparently looking for something to smash. Naturally, he had shrieked.

However, once the shriek had been completed, he had been thrown off of his feet and landed on his rear, and by the time he had looked up again, he realized that it was suddenly gone. Feeling incredibly embarrassed and keenly aware that most his neighbors were probably looking at him right now, he tried getting back to his feet and taking his paper back to the house with as much dignity as he could muster. He brushed the dirt off the back of his bathrobe and proceeded to pick up the paper again, successfully this time. He turned and started to walk up the path to his house when he heard another noise.

This noise was very different to the stomping one. He didn't think it was some sort of monster this time. Out of the corner of his eye, this time he saw that a few other people were watching as well. Tightening his hands around the lapels of his robe, he slowly turned around and prepared himself for whatever was coming now.

The sound was a loud metallic squeaking sound that was putting him off straight away as it came nearer and nearer. It was an obnoxious sound, not to mention intrusive and pedantic. It had only been plaguing his ears for a few moments and already it had outstayed its welcome. Grimacing at the unpleasantness of it, he faced it with all the patience and bravery he could bring himself to muster.

It was a wagon.

How strange, he thought. Mike didn't think it was possible that a wagon could just come rolling up the sidewalk like the one that was approaching him now. Normally a wagon needed to be pulled along or given some sort of momentum to keep moving. This one seemed to be perpetually rolling along the flat sidewalk, almost like a car of some sort.

Curiously, the passengers of this wagon were what you might expect to find in a little red wagon. There was a little boy with wild blonde hair at the wheel, steering the crude mode of transport as he went along, and riding in the back was a stuffed tiger that seemed to be holding onto the boy's back.

Mike could stare in befuddled amazement as the wagon squeaked and rolled along the sidewalk towards him, coming to a slow halt right in front of him. The boy looked up at him with an urgent expression.

"Excuse me, sir," he said quickly. "Did you by any chance see a giant scaly monster go stomping through here?"

Mike stared for a long moment before glancing down the street in the direction that his previous hallucination had gone. He pointed in a rather stupid fashion at the city down the road from him.

"Thanks!" the boy said gratefully, and before Mike could look back at him again, the wagon was somehow already rolling off along the sidewalk, screeching and squeaking as it went, startling the passersby on the street as they went.

For the longest moment, Mike didn't know what to do or how to react. Suddenly remembering he was still holding the paper in his hand, he decided he'd better turn around and walk back into his house before the news inside of it became so old it wasn't news anymore. He briefly toyed with the idea of taking medication and seeking professional help before he decided to wait and see if he hallucinated yet another big scaly monster before he did anything rash or expensive.

He walked back into the house, hoping nobody was staring at him and that his wife had put a pot of coffee on by now. It was going to be a long day.

"Well, he seemed like a nice guy," Hobbes remarked, throwing a glance at the man over his shoulder.

"Considering he was almost stepped on by that monster, I'd say he's exceedingly polite," Calvin replied, wrenching the steering column around as he tried to maintain their present course. "Now we just need to catch up with our giant friend and send him back where he came from!"

They came to a crosswalk and swerved through the cars that were driving past, many of them honking in anger at having their journeys interrupted by a small boy riding his wagon right into their paths. Calvin ran the wagon onto the opposite side and carried on, causing some people to dive into the ditch to avoid him.

The monster was looming in the distance. It was in the city now, stomping around and causing all kinds of trouble, including shaking the buildings.

"We need to get there faster!" Calvin yelled. "Activate the afterburners!"

"Roger!" Hobbes replied, twisting around in his seat to see to their 'motor'.

The MTM was attached to the rear of the wagon, magnetized to the red metal. His CD flap was wide open and a fan was sticking out, running on full blast so as to propel them down the sidewalk.

"We need to go faster!" Hobbes called to him.

"Okeydokey," MTM replied, and the blades on the fan seemed to extend even larger, and the wagon suddenly shot down the sidewalk, taking even more people by surprise.

"We should've done this when there were less people on the street!" Hobbes complained.

"Well, it's not my fault these people aren't burning up fossil fuels by driving everywhere!" Calvin replied. "If they're not going to be Americans, they deserve to be run off into a ditch!"

They clattered noisily along the sidewalk, slowly becoming surrounded by several buildings. They listened to the rumbling sounds that were coming from just around the next corner, and as they swerved violently into the square, they looked up and saw their adversary in all his destructive glory. He was standing there, stomping and growling, looking like he was ready to tear the surrounding buildings down.

Calvin steered the wagon right in front of the creature, skidding to a halt and kicking up plenty of smoke in the process. Before it had even stopped moving, he and Hobbes had both jumped out and were standing in front of it, and Hobbes had even managed to yank the MTM off the back of the wagon and toss it through the air into Calvin's hands. He held it out in front of the creature as intimidatingly as he could manage.

"Okay, beastie!" he shouted up at it. "I'm giving you one last chance! Either you surrender and be returned to your home dimension willfully, or we're going to drag you back! Now which is it?"

The creature stared down at Calvin for a long three seconds before it responded with the loudest and scariest roar it could muster, blowing the boy's hair back. Several people walking past seemed to react to it, but they didn't seem to notice that it was coming from the huge scaly monster that was standing in the middle of the street.

"… I'm guessing that was a 'no'," Hobbes suggested.

"Most likely," Calvin agreed before readdressing the creature. "Very well! You've made you decision! Now I've made mine! MTM, you know what to do!"

"Activating communications relay," MTM replied. "Dialing phone number."

All the way back in Calvin's neighborhood was a house that was two-stories high and had a big fancy satellite dish on top of it. It was a perfectly ordinary house, but at the bottom of it was a huge fancy laboratory that had been built and maintained by the local genius, Sherman J Hamster, who was indeed a hamster with a staggering IQ.

At this moment, he was working with his human friend, Andy, who was eight-years-old with messy brown hair, a button down shirt with jeans and white sneakers. They were observing a large monitor in the middle of the lab, keeping an eye on the various avatars that represented the citizens of their town, and they were particularly interested in the large one in the middle of it all, as well as the two that were standing in front of it, one human and one feline.

The phone on the desk started ringing, prompting Andy to reach over and answer it. "Sherman's Lab," he announced. "This is Andy speaking."

He listened for a moment while Sherman waited patiently.

"… Yes, I'll tell him," he said calmly before hanging up again.

"Well?" Sherman asked.

"It said 'no'."

"I thought it might."

"Yes, now we need to get it going."

Sherman nodded and proceeded typing away at the keyboard that was designed for his tiny hamster fingers. He watched the screen change from a radar screen to a series of numbers and symbols that went flashing across its surface at an alarming rate, and yet he followed them in perfect synchronized harmony.

"Transmitting the signal… now!" he announced, pressing the final key with a dramatic flair.

Up above them, the fancy satellite dish began swinging around in the direction of the city, lining up perfectly with the monster's head. It hummed for a moment before it transmitted a signal that was invisible to the world, and yet powerful enough to complete its purpose.

The monster was just leaning over to devour Calvin and Hobbes when it felt a strange sensation rush through its head. For some reason, it didn't seem able to understand what it was supposed to be doing at the moment. It didn't know what eating was. It didn't know what food was. It didn't know where it was or who it was or what it was. What was it doing here? What was its purpose?

As the creature stood there and contemplated the meaning of existence, it didn't notice Calvin signal to Hobbes.

The tiger immediately started to run around the monster, drawing its attention. It watched as Hobbes ran in a long circle all the way around it, causing it to stare in confusion. Why was the orange thing running around it? What was orange? What did 'running' mean? What was going on…?

With Hobbes distracting it sufficiently, Calvin used the MTM to shine a bright green light into the sky, and he waved it about, alerting the next member of the team that it was his turn to contribute.

A few moments later, a familiar cube-shaped object came zooming across the sky, heading straight for the creature. It was the cardboard box, and it had a single passenger steering it out over the scene.

Socrates was a tiger like Hobbes, but he was far from being catlike in nature. While Hobbes embraced his feline heritage, Socrates was more like an insane human in a tiger costume who was obsessed with playing practical jokes on everyone he met. If he could just entertain his own instant gratification, he was a happy tiger. He wasn't particularly well-liked by the rest of the group, but seeing as how he was generally fearless and creative when it came to defeating their various adversaries they pretty much let him be a part of the group. Plus, he didn't know that he had a small transmitter and receiver chip in his brain that allowed them to contact the outside world, so they kind of needed him.

At the moment, he was flying the box out over the city, and he was aiming what appeared to be an old-fashioned microphone for a computer straight at it, except it was missing a cord. He aimed it just right and pressed the button, causing a bright light to shoot out at the creature.

"Jambo!" Socrates called out cheerily.

The strange light struck the monster, and it seemed to envelope him entirely. It was accompanied by a strange sound as well.

ZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeep!

The creature proceeded to shrink down into a much smaller size. It looked around in confusion, and then, the ray that Andy and Sherman had been firing at its brain ceased, and it suddenly remembered that it was supposed to be destroying the city. Unfortunately, this proved rather difficult as it was now about half of Hobbes' size. It proceeded to launch itself at the tiger, but Hobbes simply put out a paw and held it back as it thrashed and growled cluelessly.

Calvin held up the MTM again, and a moment later, a strange suction began to pull the creature backwards towards it. Hobbes pleasantly waved goodbye as it vanished into a small slot on the CD player's side.

"And we're done," Calvin said triumphantly.

He and Hobbes gave each other a high-five.

At that moment, a man came up to them. "Hey, kid! Get your toys out of the street! There was a great big earthquake just now! You ought to be more careful!"

Calvin stared at the man with irritation, unaware that the man saw him as a boy with a CD player and a stuffed tiger with a wagon. Shaking his head in disgust, he turned and walked down the sidewalk.

"Nobody notices anything," he grumbled.

"We should get jackets that say that," Hobbes added.

Calvin's parents were watching the news at the moment. They had been enjoying a nice afternoon. Calvin was – to the extent of their knowledge – out playing with what they assumed was his only friend, Andy. They had originally hoped that Andy's influence would be positive on their son and that he'd finally ditch the stuffed tiger, but to their disappointment, not only did Andy seem to enjoy playing with Hobbes, he seemed to have another tiger to add to their games as well. They were only vaguely aware of a pet hamster that they would play with, but they hardly ever saw it.

Still, their games seemed to keep Calvin relatively out of trouble. Compared to pre-Andy Calvin, the new Calvin seemed less likely to get into perilous situations. He was still throwing water balloons at the neighborhood girls, not to mention ignoring his homework and chores in favor of various other worthless activities, but they were getting fewer complaints about him lately, which wasn't much, but they took what they could get.

The news report they were watching was a live one. It was about an apparent earthquake that occurred in town. They were observing the reporter with the bad hair piece telling the area about what had just happened a little while ago.

They heard the door open, and they saw Calvin and Andy walk inside, pulling a box behind them that had two stuffed tigers in it, and they were talking animatedly.

"Calvin, where have you been?" Mom asked.

"Huh? Oh, hi, Mom! We were just busy saving the planet from an evil monster. We're sending it home now."

"Uh-huh… Listen – there was an earthquake today, so I want you to stay close to home just in case there's another one."

"There's not going to be another one, Mom," Calvin sighed. "We took care of it."

"Come on, Calvin," Andy said, helping him to lift the box up the stairs. "Let's get the monster back to its home dimension so we can do something else. We only get fifty-two weekends a year, you know."

Calvin nodded and helped him lift the box up the stairs.

Mom and Dad stared after them for a long moment.

"How long before we get a phone call from Andy's parents telling us to keep our kid away from him?" Dad asked at last.

"Dear!" Mom gasped, smacking his shoulder.

"I think he's a bad influence on Andy…"

"Oh, stop it. Andy's parents say that Calvin has been good for Andy. They say that Andy's playing videogames less and is getting out of the house more."

Dad blinked. "Wait… You've actually met Andy's parents?"

"Of course! Haven't you?"

"… I don't remember…"

Calvin, Hobbes, Andy, Sherman and Socrates brought the cardboard box back into Calvin's room and set it down in the closet.

"All right, MTM," Calvin said, pulling the CD player out. "Time to send the beast back home."

"Right…," MTM replied. "Reconfiguring trajectory of the hypercube… Any second now… Aim me at the bed."

Calvin took the MTM and aimed him at the bed.

"Okay…," MTM continued, "… reversing the electron stream… Portal should be opening now… And here he goes!"

Suddenly, there was a bright yellow light shining under the bed as a portal opened up underneath it. It was the entrance to the monster's home world shining away, ready to take him away.

The slot on the MTM's side opened up, and they watched in silent wonder as the monster was spewed out on the floor, where it landed in a heap, and then seconds later, it was once again dragged across the floor and under the bed, vanishing through the portal, which closed up like a zipper just a few seconds later, and the strange glow ceased.

"Dang monsters," Calvin grumbled. "I really wish Mom and Dad would let me get some steel reinforcements in the floorboards."

"Well!" Socrates said, rubbing his paws together. "We got that done. Now what do we do?"

"Well, thanks to the human race's inability to recognize a giant monster when they see it, we're sort of limited in locations at the moment," Calvin replied ruefully.

"Yeah, how can they have not seen that thing?" Andy wondered. "I mean what the heck? How could they just write it off as an earthquake? Did they not look out their windows?"

"I've been wondering about that for some time, myself," Sherman said in his intelligent tone. "The best I can figure it is that it's all due to the human brain's inability to comprehend seeing something so utterly out of place."

"Really?" Hobbes asked. "You mean, if they can't understand it, they can block it out?"

"Exactly. Humans have a remarkable ability for self-deception. If they see something they can't understand, they convince themselves they didn't see it and move on. They see a giant monster has damaged the city? They pretend an earthquake did it. An evil sentient television takes out the electricity? They convince themselves it was an electrical storm."

"Still, things have been shaken up a bit recently," Socrates said cheerily. "Ever since we revealed Rupert and Earl's spaceship to the world last summer, only half of the human race has written it off as a weather balloon."

"How's the online fan club going?" Andy asked.

"I've been elected president!"

"How are they reacting to a tiger for their president?" Calvin asked.

"They seem open to it. One of them is claiming to be a cocker spaniel, although his profile picture is of a fat dude with a goatee and x-ray specs from a magazine."

Calvin shook his head. "The world is so empty-headed sometimes. It makes me wonder what else is going on that we're not aware of."

"So… what do you guys want to do now?" Hobbes asked.

They all thought this one over for a moment.

"Well…," Calvin said at last, "when's the last time we played Calvinball?"

"Yesterday," Hobbes replied. "And we can't resume until the scoring dispute is settled."

"And I still say Oogie-oogie-boogie is a higher score than Sham-a-lam-a-ding-dong," Socrates said firmly.

"Oh, that makes a lot of sense!" Calvin snapped.

"Brainstorm's been pretty quiet lately," Andy added. "Ever since his video went viral, he's been waiting for just the right time to dominate the world."

"So we won't be seeing him for a few years," Sherman muttered.

Calvin looked around the room, trying to find something that he knew he hadn't already done. Unfortunately, he had already done quite a few things. He had read his comic books, he'd depleted his cookie supply, he'd played with his toys and he'd vanquished the monster under his bed.

Then his eyes fell to his backpack, which sat in the corner, mocking him. His eyes narrowed in disgust as realization struck him.

"I guess all there is to do now is my homework," he sighed in frustration.

"Ye gods," Socrates murmured. "So it's come to this."

"What do you have to do?" Sherman asked.

"English homework. I have to write an essay about an interesting vacation I've been on."

"And you live with the dad who loves camping," Andy remarked. "You're in trouble."

"Why don't you write about the time we went to the Planet Venkham to save a race of aliens from parasitic invaders?" Socrates suggested.

"I'm not sure how that one qualifies as a vacation," Hobbes said doubtfully.

"Why not make it about the time you got attacked by a mountain lion? Your dad remembers that. He could vouch for you," Andy proposed.

Calvin scratched his head in thought. "… That may work," he said slowly. "But there was the time Dad didn't bring the canoe all the way on shore and it drifted away, leaving us stranded there."

"We still have that stick you used to rescue it on display in the treehouse," Hobbes added.

"So many to choose from…," Calvin continued. "I remember another time Dad broke his glasses and left the lights on the car on… So many horrible experiences, so little paper…"

Andy checked his watch. "Well, if you're going to spend the day reliving every traumatic camping trip you ever had, I guess I'd better go. My parents will be wondering where I am after the so-called earthquake."

"Yes, I have work at the lab to get to," Sherman agreed with a sigh. "Guess I'd better hop to it."

"Yeah, I have fourteen other online clubs to maintain as well," Socrates said with a nod. "I should get to work digging through my inbox."

Everyone stared at him for a long moment before deciding they didn't really want to know what the red-tailed tiger got up to in his own time. They knew it mostly involved planning pranks, being frivolous and laughing maniacally for no particular reason, but there had to be other things going on as well…

"Well, I guess we'll call it a day then," Hobbes said, clasping his paws together.

"What are you going to do today, Hobbes?" Andy asked.

Hobbes shrugged. "Well, there's a particularly pleasant spot on the living room floor right under the window that the sun should be shining on just about now. I think I'll catch some 'window rays' for half an hour. That should carry me into noon…"

"What a full life you lead," Sherman sighed.

"You should see him when he yawns," Calvin said. "I don't know where he finds the energy."

"Hardy-har-har," Hobbes replied, crossing his arms defensively. "You're just jealous."

And on that note, Andy, Sherman and Socrates left the room, rolling their eyes.

Calvin climbed up into the chair at his desk and pulled out a sheet of notebook paper to start writing his essay.

MTM finally spoke up again. "No one asked what I'm doing today," he complained.

"Well, let's see," Hobbes grumbled, sitting down on the bed. "Sitting on the desk until someone needs you for something. Does that sum it up?"

"… Physically, I suppose, but I can do other things while I'm sitting here."

"So you'll be sitting, then?" Calvin asked, grabbing a nearby pencil.

"… Physically…"

"Oh, how fun," Hobbes sighed.

"Go sit in your sunbeam," MTM grumbled.

Smirking triumphantly, Hobbes slunk away out the door for his favorite spot in the living room.

Socrates rarely had much to worry about. He was usually very relaxed with the world around him. Even when he was in danger, he was usually very relaxed, which was a fact that usually disturbed his friends whenever they were in serious peril. He was prone to grinning and humming theme songs and casually thinking of a vague plan that would probably save everyone, giving him one more reason to feel smug and superior, giving him more reason to play pranks on his inferiors.

He made his way to the large mansion where he lived with his human friend, Elliot. Elliot's parents had won the lottery years ago, and his father had managed to invest the money before the recession hit. He was very good at managing his money, so they were rarely in any financial trouble. They had managed to afford not only the excellent mansion they lived in, but also all of Socrates' prank utilities. They were never all that concerned by the amount of water balloons and mayonnaise they had to buy. They simply went on signing blank checks that were weirdly made out to their son's tiger.

Socrates skipped merrily up the front steps and through the large wooden double doors. He was still in good spirits after helping to save the planet. He was replaying his part over and over again, enjoying it more and more, and he couldn't wait to brag about it.

He slid past the doors, through the foyer and onto the stairs. However, he stopped when he noticed the light was on in the living room. He turned to see who was inside, and he noticed Elliot sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead at the big screen TV, which was strangely turned off. It never made any sense to Socrates why anyone would sit in front of such an expensive TV without watching it. If it was up to him, there'd be a TV in every room in the house.

Undeterred by the oddity of the situation, Socrates pranced over to his friend. "Ahh, Elliot, old bean!" he crowed. "What's the happs?"

Elliot didn't seem to register the question. He was wearing his latest pair of sunglasses, so Socrates couldn't see his eyes. The boy was in a Goth phase that had lasted three years now. He had originally been into the whole death-metal music and hair dye and tattoos – fake ones for the ten-year-old – but over time, he had lost interest in the lifestyle and simply enjoyed the clothes that came with it.

"Well, that's fascinating," Socrates said passively after leaving a blank for a response. "Anyway, I just saved the entire planet from a horrible beast from under Calvin's bed. I pretty much led the charge and saved everyone. If it says on the news it was an earthquake, then it was a horrible ugly lie."

Elliot finally seemed to find his voice. "That's great, Socrates," he said quietly. "Listen, I've got some bad news…"

Socrates didn't even seem to register that his friend had spoken. "Yeah, that's great. Anywho, here's the lowdown – I was resting in a tree, planning to throw a water balloon at an old lady with a walker, when I got a phone call from the MTM telling me that there was a monster on the loose."

"Socrates, listen…"

"I immediately sprang into action, prepared to use all my wits and know-how, all set to do whatever it took to save everyone on the planet! I immediately devised a plan that I knew without a shadow of a doubt would succeed."

"Look, Socrates…"

"I told Calvin and Hobbes to provide a distraction so that the monster would not see us sneak up on it."

"Socrates…"

"I then told Andy and Sherman to activate a special program that I designed myself that would slow down the creature's mental facilities to make it docile long enough for my part of the plan."

"Socrates…"

"I then used the cardboard box to swoop in over the city and activate the Mega-Shrinker 5000, which Calvin had been struggling for years to make cordless for times like this, but then I made a suggestion that helped him, and he was so grateful he gave me a big ol' hug!"

"Okay, now I know you're making this up," Elliot snapped.

Socrates gasped in shock. "Me? Making this up? Elliot, I'm wounded!"

"Oh, please…"

"I'll have you know that I successfully shrank the creature down for the MTM to absorb it into his hypercube, and I was awarded the Medal of Honor by the mayor, and I was given all the ice cream in the world!"

"Socrates, shut up a minute!"

Socrates was startled out of his ramblings long enough to be silenced.

Elliot calmed down and continued. "Socrates, I have some bad news…"

"Are you dying?"

"… What? No!"

"Oh… Am I dying?"

"No!"

"Is someone dying?"

"No…"

"Then how bad can it be?! You're making this worse than it needs to be! It's all about perspective! Everything's fine! Whatever it is, we'll get through it, because we're a family… with money!"

Elliot blinked before deciding he would simply have to be blunt. "Socrates, we're moving."

Socrates seemed to have trouble thinking after that moment. His entire brain went momentarily on standby. There was a little sign on his brain that read, 'Gone fishing'. It took a few moments for him to get going again, and when he did, he realized that Elliot had started talking again without him.

"My dad got a new job California… He wants to take it. Mom agrees. They've already found us a nice condo… They're going to enroll me in a new school. They said we'll leave at the end of the month."

Socrates ran those details in front of his brain a couple more times, trying to figure everything out. It took him another three seconds before he finally found his response.

"… We're… leaving?" he asked in a small voice.

Elliot nodded. "We are. I'm sorry, Socrates."

Socrates stood there for another three seconds before he finally sat down next to his friend on the couch. He stared up into the blank big screen before him with deep appreciation for the lack of anything on it.

Author's Note: Well! How about that for a first chapter! And it only gets worse from here...