Disclaimer: I do not own or make a profit off of the characters of Criminal Minds. This disclaimer applies to the whole story.

Spoiler Alert: There will be spoilers for all 9 seasons throughout this story. Don't read, especially if you haven't watched the season 9 finale.

Hi Friends!

Welcome to my newest adventure. I hope you enjoy it.

FYI - I am well aware the J.L. Hewitt is joining the cast next season but my story is set in between that transition from Season 9 to Season 10. There will be no mention of her character in this story. The agent (who we will meet in the next chapter) is purely a creation of my own.

Please forgive any mistakes.

Enjoy!

I know that all your life the people you care about the most keep leaving, and there's a part of you that thinks it's because of that brain…

The words that he spoke to Diane Turner echoed in his head as he sat all alone in the dimly lit conference room.

The genius had been at work since the wee hours of the morning trying to keep busy. Lately sleep had been evading him and his mind had been wandering into dark territory. So instead of just lying in bed letting his thoughts depress him even more, he got up and came to work. Unfortunately, he ran out of consultations to complete over a half hour ago. Now he found himself falling back into the recesses of his mind as he waited for the rest of his team to arrive.

Today, unfortunately, was the day that they were going to welcome a new probationary agent into the group. Today was the day that he was going to be expected to open his arms to another new person that was just going to leave him, just like everyone else. Today was the day that he was going to put on a mask of indifference and offer a weak welcoming smile. Because, to be honest, the world-weary agent didn't want to put forth the effort the meet someone new again.

It's because of that brain…

Reid twirled a pen in between his thumb and index finger absentmindedly as he reflected on that statement. When he had uttered those words he had been under duress. He had been trying to verbalize the thoughts that he knew were flowing through Diane's head. His point was to show her that he understood what she was going through. That there was someone else out there that was experiencing the same thing.

And wasn't that the truth?

If he thought about every person that had chosen leave him behind, couldn't he in some way, shape, or form blame his brain for their departure?

Yes.

Yes, he could.

He could go all the way back to the beginning and start with the first and deepest abandonment. The one that cut him to the core and changed his life forever, his father's.

William Reid was the first person to set the trend of leaving Spencer in motion. It was funny, Spencer had tried so hard to be the son that any father would be proud of. He struggled through tee-ball, cooked dinner, took care of the house, tried to teach his dad how to play chess, and even started up conversations about all of Isaac Asimov's novels. But none of it had been good enough for the man. No matter what he did there always seemed to be a wall built up between them that Spencer could never figure out how to breach. So it wasn't too surprising when William decided to pack up and leave. The coward cited the fact that dealing with his son's intelligence was too challenging, especially when coupled with the stresses of being married to a schizophrenic wife who wouldn't take her medication. Spencer shuddered when he thought about how that was the day that his feelings of inadequacy had been cemented deep into the foundation of his soul.

His mother was the next to leave him behind. Of course, it wasn't her fault. If given a choice she would have never abandoned her son to this cruel world. But alas, schizophrenia doesn't care whether or not its victim has responsibilities. So the young man had been forced to witness the gradual deterioration of his mother's mind and his presence with it. Eventually the disease left behind a shell of what was once his mother and the occasional "good day" when she would remember who he was. If only he had been able to figure out some way to combat the illness. Perhaps if he had been a better caretaker, kept everything more organized, enforced her routine a bit more than he would have had more time with her.

Alas, he closed himself off after he lost his mother. He didn't really let anyone else get close to him. The only person that even had a chance was his friend from school, Ethan. But even he deserted Reid on the first day of academy without an explanation. It was years later that Reid learned that Ethan left to fight his own demons. Yet still, deep down the profiler wondered if there was anything he could have done to keep his friend around.

Of course, the younger agent didn't let the continuous abandonment defeat him. But as the years went by more and more people enter and exited the genius's life. Each time the profiler had found a way to blame their desertions on himself. Each time he wished he could go back and do something different in order to keep them around.

For instance, perhaps if he would have just told Hotch or Gideon about Elle's depression she would still be on the team. No matter what Morgan said about Elle making her own choices, Reid knew that it was partially his fault. If he would have just ignored his conscience telling him to keep her confidence than the choice to kill that man may have never presented itself. Hotch might have taken her out of the field and Elle wouldn't have had that man's blood on her hands.

Then there was Gideon's sudden departure. That one cut almost as deep as his father's. In fact, that man had practically become his father throughout their time together. He had acted like he cared about Reid. The grizzled profiler had lulled the genius into a sense of security and gained his trust. He had actually felt safe to be himself around the other man and let his eccentricities show. He had gobbled up Jason's words like they were life giving sustenance and depended on the man's sage advice and guidance. There was nothing that Spencer wouldn't have done for that man. But then, just like with his real dad, his love and admiration weren't enough to keep his mentor around.

Though he did leave Reid a letter explaining it all in his cryptic sort of way. Right, because that made the desertion easier to handle. Like the man's words as he rambled on about how he didn't understand the world anymore and how he wished to seek out proof of happy endings would assuage the genius's pain. Or how about the fact that there was no remorse for leaving his surrogate son behind, only regret that he didn't have a better explanation for his feelings. The man didn't even bother to apologize for leaving Reid's fragile soul high and dry. He only used the two most meaningless words in the world, "I'm sorry," to try to heal the gaping wound he viciously tore into Reid's barely mended soul.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what? I'm sorry for the fact that you weren't a good enough reason to make me stay and work through my issues. I'm sorry that I shattered your confidence in your ability to mean something to someone. I'm sorry that I'm too much of a coward to say this to your face. I'm sorry that your brain couldn't figure out how to save that girl in time and stop this from triggering my departure? I'm sorry…

After that Reid had reapplied his emotional shields. He pushed them up higher and refused to let anyone new infiltrate his defenses. Unfortunately, his remaining coworkers had already weaseled their way in and the best he could do with them was stay guarded.

His plan went well for a while, but then David Rossi entered his life. He could tell right from the start that the man found him obnoxious and annoying, so Reid had tried to keep his relationship with that man purely professional. Then, as is always the case with repeated exposure, the older man came to replace his previous mentor.

Then for a while Reid felt like he was finally getting away from the curse of abandonment, but then along came Ian Doyle. The international terrorist that killed one of his best friends and nearly sent Spencer crawling back to drugs.

Again, the genius blamed himself for seeing the signs of a troubled friend and not doing anything about it. He was too caught up in his headaches to take the time to delve into Emily's strange behavior. If he had then maybe he could have pushed her into revealing Doyle's threats earlier. Then the team could have had more time to compile a plan to keep her safe and bring Doyle in to justice. If his brain had been more tuned to his friend's feelings than his own she might have never died.

But that's just it…she didn't die.

She came back.

She came back and he stupidly let her in again.

Only this time, he could tell that she wasn't really with him. He knew when he gazed into her eyes that the sparkle that once shined bright was gone. He just didn't want to admit to himself that she never truly came back. So, he went along with her façade and acted like all was well. Sadly, the knowledge of her emotional disguise did not lessen the blow when she announced her decision to accept the job in London. It was just another nail in the coffin that encased Reid's lonely soul.

And that took him to the most traumatizing of all his recent losses, Maeve. The one loss that he could guarantee was his fault. The one loss that showed him that no matter how much he tried to cultivate positive things into his life he just wasn't destined to be happy.

Looking back at his relationship with Maeve he could pinpoint so many specific instances where his intervention could have saved her life. He should have ignored her wishes and brought his team in to help the second he found out she had a stalker. He should have…he should have done something…anything…but instead he did nothing. He just stood by and allowed her to handle the situation and that folly had led to her ultimate demise.

Of course, that was all on top of the fact that he botched the one chance he had at rescuing her. Reid's genius brain had let him down and caused him to come up lacking on passion during his kiss with Diane. Well that and the fact that Diane caught his eyes straying over to his bound girlfriend while they were fully immersed in their liplock.

So yeah…it was his fault she left. He could have stopped it. He could have prevented all of the losses in his life. The problem was that he hadn't. Each time the opportunity presented itself he came up short. Either his genius brain caught on to the problem to late or his insecurities and self-doubt kept him from taking the proper course of action.

And now there was a fresh wound to add to his already marred spirit, Alex Blake. Alex, the newest face to join the team. She had only been around for the past two years, but his history with her went back a bit further. He had so excited when he had heard that she was joining the team. The socially awkward agent finally didn't have to go through the painful getting-to-know-you period with a complete stranger. He found that he took to working with her like water. Their brains were immediately in sync with one another and they were able to play off of each other's strengths. It was amazing how liberating it felt to have a personality so close to his on the team. Finally someone that didn't make fun of him for his nerdy tendencies, rather she embraced them.

How was he to know that she was secretly seeing him as her surrogate son? Even if he did know, would it have made a difference? No, because Reid was flattered that she could imagine her son being like him. It felt good to know that someone out there saw his characteristics as desirable. Regrettably, that mother-son connection proved to be too much for Alex. Spencer had played the part of her son too well and his near fatal injury opened wounds in her mind that had barely healed. She just couldn't stand being around him and the rest of the team after nearly losing one of them to an unsub's bullet.

The kicker about the whole Blake situation was the fact for once Reid wouldn't have changed a thing. He was glad that he pushed her out of the way of that bullet. There was no way that he would have ever allowed her or anyone else on his team die when he could stop it. And if Blake leaving the team was the consequence of that choice, than this was the one time that he would gladly take it.

At least she actually said goodbye…

Reid heaved a great sigh as he looked around the empty room. Each chair that surrounded the round table was reserved for his teammates. The people that still remained in his life physically but not mentally anymore. Because the more the genius thought about it, the more he realized his supposed friends were slowly withdrawing from him too. Whether or not they were doing it on purpose remained to be seen.

Each one of the group had endured some sort of sorrow or trial lately, and none of them had been turning to their resident genius for support. Before, the youngest profiler would have been the only go-to person for everyone. They would tell him all their secrets and divulge their troubles knowing that Spencer would keep them classified.

Now…well now, they all had someone else to turn to. Hotch had Beth to lean on and Jack to love. The stoic man no longer randomly opened up to the genius, like he had about Haley so long ago. The unit chief had found another ear to spill his secrets too.

Garcia was lost in her own drama, dealing with her unrequited love of Kevin and her new man Sam. Of course, the agent knew that he wasn't the best choice when it came to advice on matters of the heart, but in the past she would at least confide in him while he listened and lent his support.

Rossi…well Rossi was practically in the same boat as Reid. The man had lost two of the women he loved most in the world in unspeakable ways over the last three years. On top of that, the senior profiler had actually made a point of trying to help Reid through his grief while pushing his own aside. Anyways, Reid knew that Rossi needed another fresh young face to take under his wing. It helped the other man feel needed and gave him an outlet for all of his knowledge and experience.

JJ is probably the person that has socially withdrawn from Reid the most, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. After her hand in covering up Emily's death their relationship had never fully repaired. That was in addition to her newly revealed secrets about her time away from the BAU. The team was still reeling from the revelations of what happened to her overseas. As a consequence of all her intrigues, Reid was still wary of any of the blonde's actions and intentions. Meanwhile, she was still licking her wounds from when he had tried to push her away. They both knew deep down that their relationship would never go back to the way it was before, and rightfully so.

Finally, there was Derek Morgan. Out of all of the members of Reid's team, it was Morgan's withdrawal that hurt the most. The man was the closest thing that Spencer had to a best friend, to a brother. He had never leaned on anyone as much as he did Morgan. The dark agent was the only person that had seen the genius at his weakest and the only one who knew the majority of his secrets. Their bond had been forged under the pressure of the job and the heat of need. The two of them had linked together slowly over the course of many gruesome cases and before they knew it they were the closest of friends.

But not anymore…

Naturally this change in their relationship was not a surprise to Reid, but it still hurt all the same. Morgan had started his retreat a few years ago when he had stepped in to become acting unit chief while Hotch was healing. The man moved out of the bullpen and took over the huge responsibility of running the team. Not surprisingly, Derek couldn't maintain casual friendships while he tried to prove his worth to Strauss. Thus he took a step back from all of his friendly relationships and tried to be more professional and less personal. Spencer never once held that against the man; he understood that Morgan needed to separate himself from his subordinates, just like Hotch always did. Though, the genius had expected Morgan to come back to him when their unit chief was healthy enough to return. That, sadly, did not happen and now Reid remained the only agent down in the bullpen all by his lonesome. It was a shining example of how everyone else had moved away from him while he remained in the same place.

Then, this past year Morgan finally ended his womanizing ways and found a lovely lady to settle down with. This new turn of events had surprised the genius. But realistically, Reid had never expected his friend to stay single forever. He had just hoped that his best friend wouldn't forget him once he found the woman of his dreams. As of right now though, Derek has shown that his focus is solely on Savannah and besides the occasional double date with Penelope he has no room for his other friends, namely Reid.

Again though, can Reid blame him for wanting to make sure this thing between him and Savannah lasts? No, he can't. What type of friend would he be if he wished that Morgan's relationship went bust? A horrible one. But then…is he allowed to at least wish that his friend would make more time for him? He just didn't know.

So here he was now…sitting by himself in a dark conference room waiting for the people he at one time considered family to come and join him. His abandonment issues flourishing in the dismal surroundings as he realized that he, Spencer Reid, was meant to walk this world alone. If he wanted to survive much longer than he needed to stop becoming so emotionally invested in the people around him. Because if there was one thing that he had learned throughout his past thirty-two years it was that people don't stay. His so called friends and family are fated to leave him behind to fend for himself. And he would too, for it was what he has always done. He was a solivagant; one who was meant to wander this world alone.

It's because of that brain...

So this chapter was written purely to show you where Reid's mindframe is for this story. In the next chapter we will meet the new probationary agent and get a little into his mind too.

Leave a note and let me know if your interested!