Kuroshitsuji CrackFic

"I hate you."

"Well, I hate you . . . Ciel, it's your turn to insult me."

Ciel shook his head. He and Alois had been lying in the same bed. He had moved in with the Trancy's about a month ago, after they had started seeing each other, and not long after that their butlers, Claude and Sebastian, became mates, as well.

"I don't know . . ." The Phantomhive earl said, "I want to . . . rip out your heart and feed it to Sebastian."

"What if he doesn't eat it?"

"Then I'll cram it down his sodding throat!"

Alois giggled at the statement, "Let me see . . . I want to . . . piss in your tea and make you drink it."

"That's disgusting!"

"What if I put sugar in it?"

"Disgusting!"

A loud crash from down the hall ended their little game of insults.

"What the hell was that?" Ciel asked.

Alois waved it off, "It's probably just Sebastian and Claude going at it again."

Ciel furrowed his brow, "Again? What do you mean 'again'?!"

"Well, this has to be their eighth round of sex today."

"You're kidding me!"

"Nope," Alois sat up in their bed, "C'mon, I know a good place where we can spy on them."

Alois' brilliant view was provided by the air ducts of the mansion. He and Ciel looked down into Sebastian and Claude's room through one of the ducts. The view wasn't great for Ciel since Alois took up the whole space just by watching, but what Ciel was hearing provided him with enough information. Skin slapping, furniture breaking, and moans of pain and pleasure were erupting from the room.

"God, Sebastian!" they could hear Claude moan, "How can you stay this fucking tight?!"

"To Hell, if I know!" Sebastian panted and he groaned as he was thrust against another wall.

Alois backed up a bit and covered his face with one hand. His face was a deep read.

"What's the matter with you?" Ciel inquired.

"Nosebleed . . ." Was all Alois managed to whisper out, "It's a fucking brothel in there!"

"Let me see."

"You don't want to see, Ciel. I know you. You'll vomit."

"I will not! Just let me see."

Ciel only managed to peer over Alois shoulder slightly and look through the vent for only a second; all the time it took for him to see what was going on and, sure enough, Ciel spilled his guts inside the duct.

"I told you!" Alois snapped, the blood from his nose now dripping off of his chin, "Let's get out of here before they start smelling it."

The two teens managed to make their way back to their room, and the moment they did was when the smell of the vomit began to set in.

Claude lifted his head and sniffed slightly, "Do you smell that?"

"Why are you asking me that now?" Sebastian complained, "You should know that sex makes this room stink in a very short time . . ."

"No, no, it's not that smell." Claude took another sniff, "It smells like someone vomited. Earl Grey . . ." sniff, "Scones . . ." sniff, "Funtom sweets . . ."

Sebastian let out an irritated groan, "It must have been my Young Master, then. I'll go check and see which hallway he puked in this time."

Sebastian wrapped himself in a bathrobe and searched the halls and he returned to the room without having spotted the mess, "There's nothing out there."

"I don't think it's coming from the hallways, Sebastian." Claude spoke up, "It smells like it's coming from the ducts."

"The ducts? What the hell would one of those brats be doing in the ducts?"

"I don't know . . ." Claude stood and opened the vent that led into their room and crawled in it. He was only gone for a few moments when he called out, "Hey, Sebastian!"

"Yes?"

Claude appeared suddenly from within the duct with an irritated look on his face, "It think those brats were spying on us!"