Chapter 17

Ness lay awake late into the night listening to Jacob breathe beside her. He winced when he moved in his sleep and her heart bled. Guilt gnawed at her gut and burned like a hot rock sitting in her stomach. As her eyelids began to fall she prayed that she had not ruined things between herself and her husband.

Come the morn, Jacob stretched and winced at the slight pull of overused muscles. He moved his arms first and found that, surprisingly, aside from a minor strain, the muscles moved well. Far better, in fact, than he expected. His legs were much the same. It seemed that his wife's ministrations had been beneficial.

He turned to find her curled into a ball far from where he lay. She looked so small that his heart clenched. It was clear that she was still angry with him, and he understood. He had behaved badly. He was not a man to molest a female, yet he had held her down and threatened her with a spanking. What was worse was that he would have carried out the threat had it come to it. She must hate him.

Still, she had treated his cuts and scrapes. She had laid hands on him and eased him into slumber. Jacob did not know why. He had hope that perhaps the lass felt a little something for him. He hoped so, more that he should.

The sun streamed through the tent, lighting Nessie's copper hair to make it look like glowing embers. It was the first time, Jacob noted, that her hair was free when she slept. He grinned. Looking at the way the waves and curls seemed to have woven themselves together in unruly patterns, he could understand why she bound it. Although he had to admit he found it glorious this way. She looked like a fiery angel, peaceful in slumber and heartbreakingly beautiful.

Without thought he reached out to brush the back of his fingers across her satiny cheek. She gasped and her eyes flew open in startled urgency. "I'm sorry, lass. I dinna mean to startle ye."

Ness searched his face, looking to gauge his mood. His touch had been gentle, but his eyes seemed leery. "I dinna sleep too well. I guess it made me jumpy. Doona fash yerself."

He nodded feeling her discomfort. He wanted to say something to ease the tension, but he really didn't know what. So he nodded and excused himself. "Will you come and break yer fast with us this morning, or should I send in a plate?"

Ness swallowed the bile that rose in her throat. Apparently he was still annoyed with her. "I'll be out as soon as I am presentable."

Jacob nodded and left the tent. He had more than his relationship with Ness to worry about. He had defeated many of his own men yesterday, now he had to go about the process of rebuilding their trust and loyalty. He squared his shoulders and headed to the fire. What he saw confused him.

The men all sat about breaking their fast, each sporting bandages and plasters over their wounds. True, Cookie could sew skin with a fairly deft hand, but he hadn't the skill or the inclination for such neat and precise results. His confusion must have been apparent on his face, for Embry addressed it.

"Laird," he said standing and bowing at the waist, "it seems that your aches are fewer than ours. Your lady must have saved the best treatment for you."

Paul stood next, bowing awkwardly due to his bound ribs. "I doona know, seems to me she treated us all with tender care."

"Ness played physic to you?" Jacob asked astounded.

"Aye, tis what a chatelaine does," Quil parroted Ness' words.

"A fine choice ye made in her, Laird," Eric Yorkie complemented him.

"Come, Laird," Dimitri called, "join yer men and break yer fast."

The men were welcoming and respectful. Jacob joined them and felt the friendly comradery begin to grow again between him and his men. It felt comfortable, yet there was a distance there. Jacob could feel their admiration and esteem, but he also felt their separation. Each addressed him as "Laird" this morning, whereas two days hence they had called him Jacob or even Jake. Was this what it was to be laird?

After a time a sparkle of copper caught the sun and Jacob's attention. He lifted his eyes and saw his wife, dressed in a simple green dress, belted just below the waist. It clung to her curves in a caress of which Jacob felt jealous. Her hair hung down to her waist in tumultuous spirals and again reminded him of portraits of celestial creatures. She approached shyly, standing tall, but with lowered eyes. On her way she stopped and waited for Seth to bring Billy from the tent and walked beside them to the fire.

Jacob felt his gut clench. His father was holding Renesmee's hand in support, and it made Jacob feel small and guilty. He was contemplating how to approach his wife when every man at the fire stood and bowed to his lady. Jacob had never seen anything like it.

"My Lady Black," each man addressed her in turn. Jacob saw a soft blush stain her porcelain cheeks and he was charmed.

Embry offered his arm to her and led her to a stool they seem to have placed for her. "Allow us to serve you, my lady," Quil offered.

Jared brought her a trencher with warm bannocks, stewed turnips and pattrich. Liam brought a horn with sweet wine. They all flocked to her with looks that bordered on veneration.

"Gentlemen," Ness addressed them gently, "I appreciate your kindness, but it would ease my mind so much if you would all take your ease and break your fasts as well."

There were indulgent nods and they returned to their trenchers. Jacob watched his clansmen as they all tried to anticipate her needs. Offering her beverage, or victuals as they saw need. Then when it was clear that she had finished they whisked away the remains and seemed to surround her. Jacob was growing concerned at their proximity and stood himself to intervene when Paul came forward bearing a bundle tied in brown paper.

Paul knelt before Ness and bowed his head in clear respect. "My Lady Black, we, yer humble servants have a gift for you. We believe you have earned it, and it would give us great pleasure if ye would accept it as a sign of our affection, and gladness that our laird has chosen so fine a chatelaine for his clan."

Ness looked around at the faces of Jacob's men. There was something so genuine there that she relaxed and accepted the bundle into her lap. "Shall I open it now?" she asked.

"Aye," the men intoned.

Renesmee pulled the string and unfolded the paper to expose an expanse of tartan, Clan Black colours to be precise. Jacob saw her eyes well with tears. "An arisaid?"

"There should be plenty there to serve as such," Quil said.

"We thought it only fitting that you entered Wolf's-Bridge wearing the colours of yer new clan." Paul again bowed to his chatelaine. "We doona wish the clan to think for a moment that you are anything but Lady Black."

Ness felt her heart ache at their thoughtfulness. "Your kindness is most appreciated. Now, enough of this, I am certain Laird Black has tasks for ye all. Go about yer business. I'll see to redressing wounds before supper."

The men looked to Jacob who seemed dumbstruck. Billy nudged him and at last he spoke. "You'll tend to the carts and see that they are fit for travel. Then do some hunting. Would be nice to bring some meat for a feast when we arrive home. Bring enough and we can invite the village to feast with our lady."

"Aye" said the lads and off they went to their tasks.

Ness bit her lip. There was much she wanted to say, yet her mouth felt dry and her throat burned. Last night it had seemed so simple, confess her sins, beg forgiveness, and hope for the best. This morning, however, there seemed a vast expanse between them. Jacob did not meet her eyes, and had fled her company at the first opportunity. Still, she was not a coward, she could try again.

Jacob watched Renesmee pick up her parcel and walk toward him. Her eyes were on the ground and his gut clenched with anxiety and guilt. When she stood before him he found he could not face her, so he too looked at the ground.

"What would ye have me do, husband?" she said, her voice tremulous and small.

The thought that sprung to mind was to say "Forgive me," but that was not what he said. Instead the words that came were "I canna say I have much use for you at the moment. Err… I mean yer time is yer own. There are things I must see to, and we shall reside here for another day or two."

Ness felt his words like a punch to the gut. She now knew she had ruined things between them. Still, she held her head high and walked with measured step back to the tent.

Billy watched the painful exchange and waited for his daughter-in-law to return to the tent before cuffing his son sharply on the head.

"What was that for?" Jacob yelped.

"What a thing to say to a lass! Have ye no sense?"

"What did I say? I only let her be free of my company. That is what she wanted anyway." Jacob said the words with certainty, and Billy felt his gut clench.

Billy sighed. "I have failed ye, Sarah. I have failed ye."

"What are ye on about, Da?"

"When yer Ma was lying abed with fever after birthing you," Billy said, swallowing thickly, "she made me swear that I would be both mother and father to ye. I believe I have done a fair job teaching ye about manly pursuits. Ye know how to fight, and how to lead men, but ye have no inkling how to speak to a woman."

"I have spoken to a fair share of women in my time," Jacob boasted.

"Aye," Seth interceded, "my sister among them. I know you are kind in yer way, and never promised her anything by way of rank or marriage, but ye still managed to string her along for nigh on three years now."

"I have been nothing but honest with Leah," Jacob protested.

"Aye, honest enough, but ye doona hear yer words as a woman does." Seth complained.

"What does that mean?"

"Women hear differently than men, son. They will take something you say and worry it, over and over, trying to eke out every last drop of meaning from it." Billy explained. "When I married yer mother, she had been so nervous that dropped nearly a stone in the month before we married. After a few months married, I lifted her to carry her up to our room and commented on the fact that she seemed to have gained a bit back. Four days later she shied her hairbrush at me head."

Jacob looked startled. "Why?!"

"Because in her mind I had said she was fat," Billy laughed.

"What? But you… How could she think…?"

"Because she was a woman. They call them the gentler sex for a reason lad. They wound more easily, and sometimes deeper than we men. Swords pierce our skin, blows break our bones, but words can rend their hearts. It is why I have never taken another woman to wife."

"I doona understand," Jacob said.

"My mother has served yer da for most of my life. She has run his household, and been his lehman. He treats her well, houses and clothes her and her offspring. Still, not once has he promised her more," Seth said. "She explained once that they both loved their late spouses so much that they could never replace them, but together they could provide for needs that would otherwise go unmet. It is straightforward and aboveboard. But I swear, laird or no, had he been unkind to her by word or deed, I would have avenged her."

"And so ye should lad," Billy agreed.

"A moment ago, I wanted to avenge your lady, Laird," Seth said to Jacob. "That sweet lass was kind to me when I journeyed to broach peace with the Cullens. She was welcoming, and curious, and I would defend her before God himself." Seth was clearly angry and Jacob was confused.

"Avenge her for what?"

"My God, lad, you told the lass ye had no use for her," Billy said. "Put yerself in her place. I know I wanted this marriage, I wanted this peace. I know I pushed you toward the lass, but in the end, Jacob it was yer choice. Can ye say that for Renesmee?"

"The Cullen gave her the choice of marrying me or Biers, the choice was hers," Jacob said defensively.

"Oh, of course," Billy scoffed, "and what a choice it was. Choose a man who willingly sullied her reputation before her clan and the clan of her enemy, or choose to be an instrument of peace that her laird, clan, and family desired. But as ye say, the choice was hers."

Jacob felt the weight of his father's words like a fist to his belly.

"Still, she gave up everything. Imagine it was you, dropped in the midst of a clan who up until a month ago you considered yer enemy. Imagine you relied on the kindness of yer spouse to decide if ye ever saw me again. Conjure in yer mind the idea that that lass has the power to cast you off. Think about the fact that should that happen ye canna go home. Ye'll lose yer rank, yer home, yer family, and yer freedom, for what becomes of you rests solely in her hands."

Jacob glared at the ground knowing exactly what Renesmee had given up for him. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

"Now imagine that after ye and she had quarreled, and she had humiliated you…"

"I dinna humiliate her!" Jacob protested.

"Jacob, every man here heard ye two. We know what ye said to her, and right or wrong, the lass was shamed." Billy related.

"My laird, I fear ye doona know the part Lady Renesmee played in healing the relationship between yerself and yer men," Seth said kindly. "You fought well, and proved yer strength and prowess, but would not have ended there. 'Twas yer lady who healed things." Seeing Jacob's confusion, Seth clarified. "She told us all that we should line up in order of worst wounds to least, and that we were to sit quietly without saying a word against our laird. She never forbid us to speak of her, but said she would know if we spoke ill of you, and would have none of it. Then she went and tended thee. The lads waited while she saw to yer needs. Only after you were safe in slumber did she tend the lads' wounds. She showed us what having a chatelaine meant. She represented you with grace and goodness. That is what made yer men show you respect this day. They believed that if you could engender such loyalty in a woman whom you put in her place, then they owed you their own."

Jacob swallowed. What had he done? "I had no idea. Oh lord, what do I do?"

The three men discussed a strategy and then dispatched the necessary reconnaissance to complete the preliminary tasks. Jacob spent some time with his men and asked for suggestions and advice on how to mend a hurt to a female heart. Surprisingly, they seemed excited to be asked and in the end confided their own missteps and bungles. They felt certain that with a bit of effort their new chatelaine could be soothed and won over once more. Jacob felt a new closeness to his men. Things were different, but not uncomfortable. This cheered him greatly and boosted his spirits.

After a few hours the men who had gone to set things up for him returned, and he went to begin his rapprochement. He entered the tent he shared with Renesmee only to find her sitting stock still looking small and brittle. Taking a bracing breath, he approached her.

"Are ye alright?"

Nessie started at the sound of his voice. She had been deep in her own reverie, trying to figure out how to heal the breach she felt she had created between them. All she had managed to do is hear the words he had said this morning, over and over. She was terrified. If he chose she could become less than nothing, alone and unwelcome in her new clan. Still, Ness refused to let the tears fall. She took a breath and swallowed before answering him. "I am well, thank you."

Jacob heard the edge in her voice. He said a silent prayer and committed to moving forward. "Will ye take a ride with me?" He asked offering her his hand.

Ness looked at his face and tried to read his expression. She saw no more ire, yet she still could not read him. Still, she was certain that if she didn't take his hand they would never resolve this. So she put her hand in his.

Jacob led her to his horse and lifted her up. In a moment he had swung himself up behind her and began riding out of the encampment.

"Where are we going?" Ness asked.

"I thought you and I might talk. I thought it best we have this discussion out of earshot of the men. They have been privy to more than enough, doona ye think?"

Ness swallowed hard feeling another pang of guilt invade her gut. She knew how much she had embarrassed him and knew she could not undo it. Jacob felt her stiffen before him and internally cursed himself for yet again choosing his words poorly.

"I simply thought, I wanted some privacy with ye. I thought we might both deserve some time away from all the folderol of being Laird and Lady Black. I wanted, for at least a bit to be Jacob and Renesmee again. Doona you want that?" He held his breath waiting for her answer.

"It would be nice. Has it truly only been a week since we shared our vows in that cabin?" she asked in disbelief.

"Aye, and already it seems like a lifetime ago."

Again he felt her tense. Lord at this rate he would never repair things between them.

They rode on at a leisurely pace and in relative silence for some time. Each lost in their own thoughts. The afternoon sun dappled through the canopy of coloured leaves onto the forest floor. Ness looked up and was amazed at the beauty of this land. Most of the Cullen's holdings were flat farmlands. Here there were trees taller than any she had ever seen, and rocky crags that jutted up from the earth in mystic and ancient ways. The land was as overwhelming as her situation and her new husband. Still, she needed to confront her fears and try again.

"Is all your land like this?" she asked.

"Like this? Forest ye mean?"

"I guess," Ness said looking about.

"Nay, there are the moors and the cliffs as well."

"I remember hearing that your keep lie on a cliff above the sea. Is that true?"

"Aye. Wolfs-Bridge looks as if it grew from the rock itself. It is dark and wild, much like our land." Jacob waited a moment before asking the thing he needed to know. "Tis verra different from Cullen land. Does that bother ye?"

Ness turned to look over her shoulder. There were times he looked as wild as this land that he belonged to. "I used to think that there was no place as beautiful as where I grew up. I knew our land like my own being. I loved it and helped nurture it. Still, I longed to travel and see the world. I know that it was a childish, and you'll laugh at my foolishness, but traveling always seemed so romantic."

Jacob smiled in spite of himself. Unfortunately she saw it and turned away thinking he was amused at her naiveté. Jacob heard the wise words of his father, and his men. They each told him to listen and to be gentle in drawing her out.

"I assume that bubble has burst by now. What with the dust, the rain, the fatigue, the lack of hearth and roof you must be thinking there is no place like home."

Ness turned again to see if he was teasing. She saw the sincerity in his eyes. The thought of home made her heart ache. "Sometimes I fear I shall never again see my home."

"Doona say that. After things settle with the clan I shall bring you back to the land of your birth as often as I can." Jacob soothed. "I want your mind to be at ease on that score."

Ness sighed in relief. She leaned back against his chest and he smiled. This was definitely a step toward reconciliation. They rode on for a bit in companionable silence and then his surprise came into view.

He knew the moment she saw it. Her breathing grew deeper, her neck craned to see through the foliage. "It seems we are intruding upon some other travelers," she observed.

Jacob too saw the tent and fire. His men had done well. They had set them on the banks of the hot spring, a bit further on than he had first taken Ness so she did not recognize things. "Well, now, as this is my forest, and my spring we canna have people wandering about. Perhaps we should investigate." He dismounted and swung her down.

"Should we be imposing upon their privacy?" Ness asked as she looked about. "It seems a rather idyllic spot for a rendezvous for two."

Jacob grinned at her assessment. It was exactly what he wanted it to be. "Remind me upon our return to thank the men." Jacob unhooked the saddle bags.

"The men? They did this? Why?"

"Because I asked them to. I told you, I think we should talk in private."

Ness had assumed that he wanted to scold her. This looked more like a romantic setting. "I doona understand. Why go to such trouble to reprimand me?"

"Reprimand?"

"I have spent most of the day devising an apology. I even meant to throw myself on your mercy, if need be," Nessie confessed.

Jacob's lips quirked in a smile and he shook his head.

The sight irked Ness no end. "Doona laugh at me, Jacob Black! Tis not easy for me to admit my wrongdoing. I was willing to humble myself before ye, and you find that amusing?" With that she placed her hands flat against his chest and pushed.

This made Jacob laugh fully and deeply. Ness continued her pointless assault and Jacob allowed her to spend her ire in the attempt. After several minutes they both sank to the earth and he wrapped her in his arms.

"Oh Ness," he said gently, "you are a wonder."

Ness tried to frown, but Jacob's smile was so winning she could not. She smiled in return. "Why are we smiling? I should be angry with you. You should definitely be angry with me."

"Why would I be angry with you? You did more for me and my clan in one evening than I think I could have managed in months."

"I caused a breech between you and your men."

"The breech was already there, Ness. I was not considered ready to lead, and that was the issue which Paul brought with him. I am too young, and inexperienced in many of their eyes. Add to that the idea that I welcomed their long time enemy into my bed… I think they felt betrayed, both by my father and by me." Jacob explained as he drew circles on the back of her hands. "It was not my showing them my strength that gained their loyalty. It was you. Your care of my men, in spite of how they have treated you showed them your worth. More importantly, they said ye made them wait while ye tended me. They told me that it proved that you put your laird and husband first, but what I want to know… What I need to know… is why?"

Ness looked up into Jacob's face. There was a small line between his straight brows, but his coal black eyes were boring into her with such longing. She did not know what he was asking. "You are my husband. To whom should I tend before you?"

Jacob's eyes searched her face. He had been speaking to the men all day about their wives and lovers. He had seen the deep connections and the wonder in their eyes when they spoke of love and its virtues. He had never experienced it himself, but now he longed to, especially with his wife. Still, he remembered that theirs was not a love match, but a bartered union. His disappointment must have shown on his face, for Ness asked him "What is wrong?"

"Nothing," he said. "Nothing at all. You know, I too prepared a speech. I meant to beg your forgiveness."

"Mine? Whatever for? You did nothing wrong."

"I laid hands on you. I have never done that to a woman before, and I swear I will never do it again. I was wrong, and I am truly sorry for it." Jacob wanted her to know he was not one to do that.

"You didna lay hands on me. You held me, and perhaps that was uncharacteristic, but it was not uncalled for. I had no inkling what my actions would spur. Had I known that you would have to defend your lairdship… Besides, you were right. The men of my clan obviously indulged me far more than they should have." Jacob saw a sadness in her eyes that he felt responsible for and it pained him. "You did me a kindness. I saw the wounds they inflicted upon ye, and that was on top of the damage you inflicted upon them. I could have been badly hurt. You prevented that."

"Ness, tis not that I think ye are weak. In fact, I think ye are strong and fierce with a sword."

"I know, it is that I am a mere woman. I was a fool to think I could best your men."

Jacob reached for her hand and held it firmly between his two, dwarfing it in his mitts. "Ness, I was wrong. Ye are no mere anything. You are incredible. You knew just how to heal the breech in my clan. I didna have a clue, and you… They admire you. They esteem you, and because of that, it reflects upon me."

"Jacob, you are their laird. They owe you their fealty and loyalty. Of course they esteem you," she protested.

"We have fought together most of my life, side by side. Now I ask them to follow me. It is quite a different thing all together. I could have damaged that by challenging them. They knew my strength, they needed to know my mind. In choosing you as my chatelaine they see my wisdom. That is all you."

"Jacob," Ness said trying to soothe him, "if I had not known you would be a fine laird, I would not have chosen you."

Jake looked down. "Ah lass, we both know ye dinna choose me freely. What choice was there?"

"I could have chosen what I knew. My father would have backed my choice. I could have remained in the bosom of my family. Da would have found a place of rank for Riley, even though he would never have trusted him fully. I would have remained safe and secure, at home. I could have chosen that," she explained.

Jacob looked at her and found her statement incomprehensible. If she felt secure in that choice being acceptable then why had she chosen him? "So you chose me to bring about the peace?"

She lowered her eyes, ashamed. "No. I knew that our fathers would find another means of sealing an accord between the clans. I made my choice on far more selfish considerations."

"How was relinquishing all you knew and loved selfish?"

"Because I wanted more. Home was comfortable, easy. It was also useless. Had I wed Riley I would have shared his bed, and borne his bairns. I would have been a wife and mother, but no more. I would have been no more useful than I had been all my life."

"I doona understand, you are the daughter of a laird."

"Aye, and my mother is chatelaine of the keep. Still, no matter whom I married from the clan I would never be more than I was. You see, Edward will be laird after my father and Bella, chatelaine. She will have my mother to rely on, as well as Rosalie and Alice, of course. As much as my family loves me, they all see me as the youngest daughter. I wanted more. I had thought that finding love would satisfy that, but I realize now that what I felt for Riley was calf-love. He would never have loved me in return, and he was not worth loving without being loved."

"I know ye did not marry me for love, lass," Jacob said sadly.

"True, I married you because I knew I could be of use to ye. I could be your chatelaine and tend to yer clan as my own. I knew I would be necessary to ye. I hoped that more would grow between us, but even if it didn't, I thought that might be enough. I never thought…"

Ness pulled her hands from his grasp and hid her face behind the curtains of hair as she turned to look at the steaming spring. His heart clenched, he was actually afraid of what she would say. "Thought what?"

"When your da and Seth told me what was happening between you and the men yesterday I didna think of my use to yer clan for an instant. All I could think of was you. It took all my will not to rush to yer side, but Billy and Seth warned me that it might distract you. I couldna breathe. All I could think of was… what if I lose him?"

He understood of course. "Ye have no reason to fear, lass. My da would never let you be treated harshly. Should I fall in battle you will be well cared for."

"No, you doona understand. It wasn't my care and keeping I was concerned with."

"What then?"

Ness turned back him, her eyes vulnerable and wide. "I know I am a bartered bride, and I doona expect more from ye than what ye have offered. Still, the thought of living my life without you in it, almost broke me. I realized in that moment that I cared for ye, probably more than is wise. I didna deny treatment to yer men to show them loyalty. I denied them because I couldna have cared less if they bled to death at my feet. All I cared about was you. I needed to lay hands on ye and see that ye were sound and whole so I could breathe again. When you were well resting, only then could I think of my duties to ye and yer clan."

Jake could not process what she had said. Had she truly meant… "Ness?"

"It's alright, I know you doona feel the same way. It doesna matter. You are worth loving with nothing in return."