Detective Conan is property of Aoyama Gosho.

written 06-19-2013 - 07-11-2014

published 07-11-2014

by C.S.Y. Shadows

Not beta-ed

The Death God's Smile

The dampened light of the street lanterns lent a bluish hue to the shadowed office of the Mouri Detective Agency. Trash rustled and empty beer cans clanked against each other as Ran swept the last of the mess from the desk into a plastic sack. It was late and silent and her father was finishing up a case at the station and Conan-kun was over at Agasa-hakase's house (right next to Shin'ichi's and maybe she was a little bit lonely and maybe she was missing him. Just a little bit. Especially now that Conan-kun was leaving.)

It had been a while since Shin'ichi had called, hadn't it? He'd been excited, though, saying he'd finally make it home, he'd be back soon, if all went well - she tried, tried not to get her hopes up (every time and he'd show and he'd vanish and he'd say 'Soon. Wait for me.' only on the phone...) but he always sounded so very, very sincere... (It still cut viciously into her every time. Five years was a long time to wait.)

The insistent ringing of the agency phone cut through her thoughts.

"Moshi moshi, Mouri Detective Agency?"

Nothing. Ran frowned.

"Hello?"

She pulled the receiver from her ear and eyed it suspiciously for a moment before trying again.

"Is someone there? I'm hanging up now..."

Static and heavy breathing and she was starting to be spooked before

"Ran."

An almost whisper, but she knew that voice, had been waiting for it, in fact. And yet... There was something that made her feel as though the floor started crumbling and the rest of the world was about to follow.

"Shin'ichi?"

"Ran," he repeated, breath still oh-so-very heavy. "Ran."

She forgot about berating him, about where he'd been and when he was supposed to come back (come home, to her) and what he thought he was doing.

"Shin'ichi! Are you alright? Did something happen?"

And his breath hitched (big, strong Shin'ichi, who never lost control, who never ever cried) and his voice got even quieter.

"...I'm sorry."

"For what?"

Dread began to writhe in her gut. He didn't answer and only the sound of his hitching breaths (something was notright and unease started eating a hole inside her) told her that he was still holding the phone at all.

"Shin'ichi? What's wrong? Shin'ichi! Answer me!"

"I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. Ran..." And his voice sounded as though it was breaking, breaking like her hopes and her wishes and the wall holding all those fears that had bitten at her since Shin'ichi vanished at bay... (Soon the worry would chew her open and all her insides would spew out in a mushy mess and spill on the office floor. She wondered if the stains would come out.)

Her voice wavered, turning high and thin and threadbare, fraying like her sanity.

"...Shin'ichi?"

"Ran. I... Ran, I won't be coming home."

The fabric of the world unravelled.

Her sight blurred and she didn't notice her legs giving out until her knees painfully connected with the cheap carpet. There was an animal-like keening in the air (it was her own voice, Ran noticed detachedly), mingling with the static crackling in her ears.

"...-an. Ran! RAN! Answer me! Please! Ran!"

Panic lifted Shin'ichi's voice from the unsteady whisper it had been until now, the only thing that was able to break through. Plastic creaked as her karate-calloused fingers tightened their grip.

"You mean- you mean this time, right? You just can't manage it again, right? That's okay, it happens all the time. We can just-"

He hadn't interrupted her rambling - just waited until a sob choked all the (useless) words (lies) in her throat. For a horrifying moment he hesitated. (Why wouldn't he lie to her? Why not give her this one comfort before tearing her soul to shreds?)

"Ran..."

She didn't let him finish, talking over him as fast as she could manage, tripping over the words.

"It's okay. Really, it's okay, you said it might take longer, I knew it was a possibility. You'll just have to call more to make up for it, and if I don't get enough calls you're in for it, Mister!" "Ran." "And I mean it! You stupid mystery-geek, always obsessed with your cases and murders..." "Ran." "You'd better be coming home soon, though! Because- Because you're going to take me out to a fancy restaurant to make up for ditching me again! A-and you can bet I won't let you bail out, even if I have to recruit Sonoko-" "Stop it, Ran..." "Shin'ichi, you better hope she doesn't catch you when you return, she'll chew you out until your ears bleed. And you'd deserve it! Always away on your case, you idiot detective-otaku.

"Anyway, when do you think you'll make it? If we plan it right-"

"DAMNIT RAN, I'M DYING!"

Heavy panting crackled in the speaker.

"Ran, I won't be coming home."

His voice broke. The only sound in the office was the rush of cars speeding through evening traffic.

"...Ran?"

"You're lying." It was a trembling murmur, barely caught by the phone. "It's not true.

"You're a filthy liar, Shin'ichi!"

"Yes," he whispered.

"Tell me!" she demanded, "Tell me the truth! This is a stupid joke, right?"

A humourless laugh escaped him, and this time he wasn't able to hide the sobs catching underneath.

"I wish…"

"Stop this! Stop lying! You're not going to die! You're coming back, even if I have to drag you by the ears! Do you hear me Shin'ichi? I won't let you tell lies like this! I won't!"

(She ignored her viciously constricting heart.)

(She also ignored the dull thud of a body sliding to the ground.)

"Ran..."

"How can you tell such a tasteless joke? Ooooh, I oughta pummel you! Wait till I get my hands on you-"

"It's poison."

"...What...?"

"And," she could hear the strain as he forced himself to continue, "there's no cure. I'm..."

"Stop. Shin'ichi, I told you to stop. Stop lying!"

"I don't think I'll make it through the night."

Ran found herself frozen in the icy finality of his words.

Her mouth opened and closed uselessly, soundlessly. The room was blurring in front of her eyes; tremors were shaking everything (she was shaking, shaking, shaking herself right apart).

"I didn't want to do it this way, please believe me, I didn't want this- but I didn't want you to have to- to find out- to- I wanted..."

He babbled into the silence without pause, as though trying to drown out her reaction; stuttered and unsteadily continued.

"I just- I needed to... I wanted to say good-bye. To talk to you, one last time..."

Ran didn't recognize her own voice anymore (and her voice still sounded so strange, high and thin and unsteady and just not-hers, just wrong). She didn't even feel herself speaking.

"Good-bye...?"

"I didn't want to vanish without reason - I've done it so often these past few years... And I can't do it anymore, I can't, I-"

Far away she heard him take fortifying gulp of air, preparing to give her the explanations she had been waiting for, for years. And he was only doing it because he was...

He was...

"It was five years ago. That night." (She knew what he was talking about, could sometimes hardly think about anything else. That night. Tropical Land.) "I got over-confident. Thought I could handle myself. I- I got dosed with an experimental poison for my idiocy. The poison affected me badly. The side effects... But - I got lucky, in a way. I survived. And hid. Because this- Ran, this was bigger than anything I ever worked on before. A whole crime syndicate, entrenched all over the world.

"That's why I vanished. I had to. I didn't want you to be in danger. Didn't want you to get hurt..." He snorted, bitter. "Not that I did that well.

"Do you understand now, Ran? I tried to keep you safe, in any way I could. Even if I needed to leave you behind..."

The office had dissolved into formless, shiny blobs. "Baka," she choked out, "You idiot."

How could he...?

"There were efforts made. To find a cure, I mean. I'd been working with the FBI, providing info and strategies in the meantime... And recently - we got them. We got them, Ran. You're safe now."

"Shin'ichi..."

"But there's no cure for the poison. After five years - it's too late now. I can't come back. Ran...

"I'm sorry. You have no idea how much it meant to me, having your faith in me, having the promise of someone- no, of having you waiting for me... I'm so sorry, Ran..."

That's when the hold of the numbness broke.

"NO! Shin'ichi...!"

He was DYING, that stupid idiot of a detective, and- and!

"YOU PROMISED! You said- you SAID!"

"I know. I- I'm sorry."

He broke down.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know I promised, I'm sorry, please forgive me, I didn't- didn't want this... I didn't want to- to do this to you..."

The world was crumbling. It was shattering and dying and ripping itself straight apart.

The tears running down her face - and his, too, she knew that without doubt - were like acid eating through her skin.

Like the acid eating through her chest.

One last broken sob ripped out of her throat.

"Shin'ichi..."

"Ran. Just- I want you to promise me one last thing. Only this one thing."

He seemed to get his breath back under control.

"Don't cry for me. You've had to cry so often because of me - please, don't cry for me anymore..."

"I..."

And she imagined his smile, small, but brilliant and breath-taking like the morning sun.

"Thank you... for everything. Good-bye, Ran."

And he whispered, "I love you."

The phone fell from her hand.

The steady beeping of a disconnected line continued on as she remained motionless, staring sightlessly in to the void left by the destruction of her world.

"Kudou-kun."

He was fiddling with the IV-line in his elbow, heedless of the pain it caused him.

Two small, pale hands clamped down on his arm.

"Kudou-kun. Stop."

"Oh. Haibara." His voice was distant. Empty.

But he let go.

Shiho forced herself to be calm. In a quiet, steady voice, she asked:

"Are you sure?"

"I- yes. Haibara, you know I have to do this. The Apotoxin... We can't let anyone know. And I can't do this to Ran anymore. I can't do it to the kids either.

If I have to die, I- I'd like to do it as myself. I'd like to die as Kudou Shin'ichi."

There was guilt welling up inside her - guilt for his condition, for the Apotoxin; guilt for the failed antidote - but she squashed it ruthlessly.

Shin'ichi seemed to have understood anyway. The man was far too perceptive by half.

"It's not your fault." Yes, it was. "I choose to take the antidote - you warned me it might not work correctly. You warned me of the stress it would put on my body. And you were right.

"The transformation will kill me. My heart won't be able to take it anymore... But Edogawa Conan cannot be allowed die. It has to be this way."

Yes. If she could compensate even slightly for her sins with this – she owed it to him.

With steady hands, she prepared the syringe. The needle slipped smoothly into the clear plastic tube.

Shiho didn't say anything. Just looked at him.

He swallowed, then nodded, once.

"Do it."

Her too-small fingers pressed down the plunger.

Kudou Shin'ichi laid down to die.

A/N: Angsty little one-shot. The premise was Shin'ichi's heart threatening to give out under the effects of a failed antidote. And then... well, it went from there.

Somehow, it's slightly depressing that this story is longer than my multi-chapter fic...

Anyway. Maybe I'll write the aftermath. Maybe not. We'll see. If there's any big grammar or spelling mistakes, feel free to point them out.