Once in a Lifetime
Part 1: How Do I Work This?
By Kim McFarland

The backstage area of the Muppet Theater was alive with a generous variety of creatures. The jabber spanned several languages and all of the audible octaves, plus some slopover on either side. Although they were carrying out many different tasks, everyone was focused on the same goal: gearing up for the beginning of the next season of The Muppet Show. Filming would start this weekend, so the backstage action was getting pretty intense.

Scooter and Kermit were sitting at the desk backstage right, trying to sort out the particulars of the first set of shows. In theory it would have been quieter in Kermit's office. In practice, however, the chaos would follow them wherever they went, so they might as well stay out here, where they could quickly deal with whatever issues arose.

Kermit said, "The first three shows have all been laid out. Do we have extra acts?"

"Yeah, we have a few spares for each show in case something needs to be replaced," Scooter answered.

"And the guests have been signed for the first three shows." After a few recent near-misses, they had learned to book the guests well in advance.

Scooter glanced around. "Well…actually, there's a little snag there," he said in a low voice.

"What? What kind of snag?"

"Well…we have three guests for the first three shows, but they're all available for the second and third ones."

"How did that happen? We got Lady Gaga for the first show! The contract is signed," Kermit exclaimed.

"She's got jury duty."

Kermit stared at him. "Are you serious?"

"Read it and weep." Grimly he handed Kermit a fax. There was an handwritten apology from Gaga and a copy of the summons. "She's gotta go. It's the law."

"Sheesh," Kermit said, shaking his head. "This is like a cheap plot device."

Scooter shrugged unhappily. At that moment Bo ambled by, pushing a cart with his tool chest and some planks of wood. Kermit glanced over. "Bo, what're you doing with that? I thought the theater was ready to go."

"Someone broke the fourth wall," the custodian answered.

Kermit and Scooter looked at each other. Kermit said, "Uh, yeah. Carry on."

Bo walked off. Scooter said, "I just found out. That fax came in today."

"Yeah, I saw the time stamp. What contingencies do we have planned?"

"Now? None. I've never had to cast an understudy for the guest star."

"Yeah. Well…just get someone else. Whoever you can. I trust you, Scooter." He patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, boss," Scooter said with a cocky grin.

Kermit started for the stairs to the dressing rooms. Scooter's smile faded. He flipped back a few pages on his clipboard to the list of potential guests he and Kermit had compiled. Then he got up to go to Kermit's office. He didn't want anyone to overhear him and learn about the change of plans until he had a substitute guest to tell them about.

He sat down at Kermit's desk and looked at the list of names. He let out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. Then he picked up the phone.

Kermit walked past the doors of various dressing rooms. Some were decorated with stars. One bore a glitter-covered egg. When he laid a hand on the knob below a very large shiny star he heard a raised voice from within. Miss Piggy was talking to someone on her phone, and whoever it was, Kermit would not want to be in their shoes. He continued on past the door.

Miss Piggy snarled into her cell phone, "Teeny Weeny Queenies? Even the title is idiotic! I am not going to guest star on any show about 'Little Miss' pageants!" A brief pause, "I never wanted those photos published in the first place. They didn't come from me." Pause. "Of course not. If you'd been the one who leaked them, I'd be talking to my new agent."

Ever since a magazine printed previously-unknown pictures of Miss Piggy as a young child in various beauty pageants for babies and little girls, Bernie had been fending off requests for Miss Piggy to appear at kiddie pageants. She had refused all offers flatly, and told Bernie that she wasn't interested, period, end of story. But, Bernie reminded her, earlier she had told him that for six figures she'd even pose for a bacon calendar. That got her attention. She said, "What? How much?"

He answered, and she whistled. They really wanted her. But she said, "A bacon calendar would be gone next year and only a few whacko fans would keep it after that. These would hang on forever in streaming media, like a…" Like a what? "Like bad plumbing! So tell 'em moi regrets to say that moi has other commitments. For the rest of my life!"

There was a pause. Piggy's eyes widened. Then she yelled, "What?!" into the phone. "You already signed the contract?!" Another pause as she listened. Then she snapped, "You just E-mail me a copy of that contract. Right now. We're not hanging up until I get it."

She had the contract within a minute. She bade Bernie a falsely sweet farewell and clicked off, regretting that a cell phone didn't slam as dramatically as the old-fashioned kind did. She forwarded the E-mail with the contract attachment, then dialed her attorneys. "Porque and Beanes? It's Miss Piggy. I just forwarded you a copy of a contract my agent just sent me. Get me out of it. NOW."

One area of the theater was relatively calm: the stage. The Muppets who were not currently part of the chaos sheltered there in the eye of the storm. They were currently playing a card game. The stakes were bottle caps, matchsticks, odd buttons, and whatever else would serve as markers. Rowlf fanned the cards in his hand, then laid a seven of hearts down.

Camilla clucked. Her three-year-old chick Billie, who did not yet understand the game but who had the hands that her mother lacked, pointed to one of the cards she was holding and said, "This one?" Camilla nodded, and Billie put a jack of hearts down. In the process she accidentally showed everyone the rest of the hand; out of courtesy they pretended not to see it.

Bobo, Fozzie, Janken Fraggle, and Sweetums took turns playing cards that were either the same value or the same suit as the one set down by the previous player. Before long Bobo played the last card in his hand and, pleasantly surprised, gathered the small heap of detritus that was his reward. Janken, who hadn't won a hand all day, stood and said, "I'm out. Later."

As the gang redistributed the wealth in preparation for the next hand, Janken strolled over to backstage right, expecting to see Scooter and Kermit at the desk. Neither was there.

Janken wandered around the back of the Muppet theater for a while, looking either for Scooter or something he could help out with. He found the former in Kermit's office. He heard Scooter's voice inside, and pauses in between; he was on the phone. Janken waited until the dialogue was over, then tapped on the door and looked in. Scooter was alone in there, sitting at Kermit's desk, a frustrated expression on his face. Surprised, Janken asked, "Problem?"

He beckoned. "Shut the door."

Janken came in and closed the door behind himself, then went over to the desk. Scooter said, "Our first guest star just called out and I have to find a replacement."

"Lady Gaga? What happened?" Janken said.

"Jury duty."

"Nuts! Everyone's looking forward to having her on the show."

"No kidding! We'll have her later on; she really wants to do a show with us. But that leaves a hole in this week's show."

"It shouldn't be too hard to get someone, should it? I mean, there are others who'd like to be guest stars."

"Yeah, but getting someone on this short notice isn't easy. Plus, when we do get someone we'll have to write a whole new show around 'em." Scooter shook his head and sighed. "This is not going to be a great week. Don't tell anyone else about this; it'd just make things worse if people freak before we have a plan in place. Let me sort it out first."

Janken patted his hand. "Got it. My lip is zipped."

"Yeah. Anyway, I need to get back to it. Sorry."

"No problem. Want me to get you some coffee or anything?"

"Nah, thanks. I'm jumpy enough as it is. Lemme just take care of this."

"Okay then. Later." Janken smiled warmly and squeezed his hand, then left the office.

As the door clicked shut Scooter looked at the list of names, most of which had been marked through. Where were the Mummenschanz when you needed them? He looked at the door again. He'd rather be with Janken than alone in this office with only a near-impossible task to keep him company. Well, that didn't say much, as he'd rather be anywhere else. But he and Janken had been together for a few years, and, he'd recently come to realize, he wanted many more. Without really deciding to, they'd become a part of each other's lives. The way things were going…

He let himself daydream about that for a few minutes, then came back to reality and dialed the next number on his contact list.

Later that day Kermit went back to the desk on stage right and looked it over for news. There were no notes from Scooter. He must still be trying to get a guest. Oh boy. Kermit crossed the stage, stepping over the chalk marks and walking around the Twister mat. When he got to the other side he heard the sound of a hammer. He looked up, and found Bo nailing a board over a dent in the wall Gonzo had made while trying out a new stunt. Bo noticed him and said, "I'm almost done fixing the fourth wall."

Kermit had to ask. "Bo, how is the backstage left far wall the fourth wall?"

"I counted one-potato style," Bo explained.

That made sense, in a Beauregard kind of way. "Okay," Kermit said, and continued on to his office.

All characters except Janken Fraggle are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. All copyrighted characters are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9 at aol dot com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.