The following is an unofficial adaptation of a fan-based parody. Neither Team Four Star nor Kouta Hirano have had any involvement with or knowledge of this work. I am making no profit in any way from this adaptation.

In addition, due to this being a fanfiction, I sought out a way to make this work unique and worth reading without changing the scenes and dialogue shown in Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. The solution that presented itself to me was Alternative Character Interpretation.

I truly do hope this tale amuses you.

X

The room was stained with copius, gratuitous, ludicrous amounts of blood. Not to mention the corpses still leaking the stuff. A few were in pieces, in particular a disembodied hand with the forearm bones attached but the flesh of the wrist cleanly gone. I don't even want to think about how that happened. Or maybe I do...

Edward and Bella still didn't seem to notice the mess.

"Mm... Oh yes..." in fact, Bella seemed to be quite enjoying herself. "I love you Edward!"

"And I... love you... Bella..." In the most robotic, lifeless voice imaginable, Edward gave his reply. Seriously, that had to be on purpose. Not even a vampire could sound that dead without really trying for it.

A knock came on the door.

"Hold on." Edward stepped away from Bella, and called while raising a submachine gun, "Who is it?" Yep, that sounded a bit more alive. He's doing it on purpose.

"Oh, you know..."

The first of thirty-seven high-caliber handgun rounds was fired through the door, shortly followed by the other thirty-six. That poor bastard screamed for his pitiful life as the shots of the Casull ripped through him, spraying even more blood everywhere. He was blasted backward into the wall, and by the time he slumped against it lifelessly, there really wasn't much left of him.

On the other side of the door, the No-Life King holstered his gun inside an 18th century frock of billowing crimson, formerly owned by one Abraham van Helsing. The swag-tastic broad-brimmed hat of the same color, however, was significantly newer, as were the orange-tinted Ozzy shades that completed his outfit.

"A real fucking vampire."

Now why the fuck am I, the Snark Lord Alucard, writing this in third-person?

X

"Hey Police Girl, do you have the target?"

Elsewhere, atop a rooftop with a stupidly massive sniper rifle, a young blonde woman lay prone with one of her keen blue eyes aligned with the scope. Technically, it was more like she was straddling the rooftop, but the point was the same.

Although I have to wonder why she would choose that position, really, with a skirt that short... that skirt was my idea, by the way. What, you didn't think we let her pick her own uniform, did you?

She blinked in surprise and sat up as her increasingly amusing nickname was called. "Okay, Master? My name, is Seras." She leaned back down, peering through the scope at Bella hauling ass down an otherwise empty road. Of course, I could see her pretty easily, but who better for the Police Girl's first kill? "And yes, I have the target in sight."

"Well, better take the shot, you're letting her get away," I replied in my preferred trolling voice at the moment. I like to switch it up from time to time, otherwise it gets old. I'm like a cold. You develop an immunity to me, so I switch it up and take your ass down again next year.

"If you'd just gimme a second to concentrate, I cou-"

"She's getting away, she's running, she's-"

Seras' eyes flashed red. "I get it! I'm lining up the-!"

"You're going to miss it, going to miss it!" I chanted with one of my favorite grins. I tilt my head down a bit so my hat blocks the light, and just my glasses and teeth show because they glow. Cool, huh?

"Just be quiet and let me-"

"Hey Police Girl! Hey! Hey Police Girl, he-"

A 50-Caliber bullet was fired, and the sound cut through the air and my trolling rather well. About one and a half kilometers away, Bella exploded. I pity the poor bastard who deals with roadkill in this town, because that bitch just got reduced to the consistency of strawberry jam, which was then spread over most of that highway like burnt toast.

Delicious.

"There! I took the fucking shot, she's dead, there's blood, everywhere!"

My grin split open even further, which is actually pretty impressive if I may say so myself. "Oh, you are just a treat."

X

One Week Earlier

Now I know you're wondering, 'How did all this come about?'

Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear. The moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something.

Heh. Get it? Because I'm a vampire! Huhuhahahaha! It's funny.

"So, you came. Too bad you're far too late!"

"What?" No, seriously. What? Who the hell is this guy, and why is he acting like he matters? Oh right, the homicidal vampire priest.

Oops. Spoilers.

So anyway, this idiot is dressed up in the lamest thrift-shop priest costume I've ever seen, like he couldn't even be bothered to kill a real one, and he's got his hair slicked back like he's Count fucking Dracula. But trust me, if he was, I'd know.

So this guy channels his inner Lelouch and kicks off the hammiest monologue I've seen this side of the fourth wall, complete with sweeping hand gestures to his ghouls, and he mentions something about raping this hot little blonde he's holding hostage. Well, she does have the nicest pair I've seen since Mina Harker, but to be honest I wasn't really listening right up until about...

"I'm going to kill YOU!"

Here.

"Oh?" This stupid, stupid n00b. There was no way I was going to let that one slide. I mean, who the hell do you think I am?

Oops. Reference. Maybe I should've used that line, actually.

"See, that would be intimidating if you were... well, intimidating." For the most part, I like to deliver my snark without laughing at my own lines, but sometimes I slip up. This time I just couldn't help chuckling a bit. He was just so pathetic.

And then he comes back with this gem:

"Are you mocking me!?"

What the hell kind of answer did he expect?

"Oh no! No, nonono... Pfffyeah."

And then I shot the priest and the big-tittied... cop? No, that isn't even close to catchy enough. Big-Tittied Police Girl? Ah, much better. But you know that by now.

"Well, that should about wrap things up here." And I really thought so, but then I heard Police Girl choking on her own blood. "Oh yeah, I forgot about you... sorry about that whole shooting-you thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart..." I glanced around for it, and spotted it after a moment. Ouch. "...Which is currently all over that tree... you'll find a way to forgive me."

And then she started crying. Fuck.

"Aw jeez, you look like a puppy! A blonde eviscerated puppy! Christ, fine, I'll help you!" as an afterthought I added, "But only because you've got nice tits."

X

"So, that's your field report?"

That would be my boss, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing. Sure, we could cut out those middle names, but I guess the entire cast of this show thinks her full name is sexier. Except Walter, but he's an old fart, so it's understandable because he has no sex drive.

Whoops. I just broke the fourth wall, didn't I? Fuck it. If I can do it, I'm doing it.

"Yep."

"You went on a walk through the forest at midnight?"

"Yup."

"You killed a homicidal vampire priest?"

"Dead." But who are we kidding, that costume was fake as shit.

"And then you turned someone into a vampire. Who happens to be a-"

"Big-Tittied Police Girl. Yes, it's like I didn't just get through explaining this. Now, if you don't mind, I've got things to do." First and foremost, a certain Police Girl.

"What things? You don't do things!"

I love how people so perfectly set me up to snark like this.

"Yes I do. I take enthusiastic walks through the woods."

"...And kill homicidal vampire priests?"

"Very enthusiastic walks."

But he wasn't a fucking priest, he was a cheesy Dracula roleplayer.

X

One Week Later

"So, that's your field report?"

Oh fuck. Deja vu. You know what though? I'm gonna roll with it.

"Yup."

"So you broke into the house."

"Yup." Technically I shot him through the door, but close enough.

"And you +shot him thirty-six times."

"Thirty-seven." It had to be that exact number for the Llamas With Hats reference.

"And took out his partner."

"To be fair, that was the Police Girl. With the big titties."

I could hear the exasperation in her voice, exactly what I was going for. "...You need to stop going on walks."

"Then you need to hurry up and hook up some Goddamn DSL in here!"

There we go. My point has been proven wonderfully, and we should have internet by the end of the week.

"Ugh, listen. You have an assignment in Ireland."

"Ooh, I've never hunted down a leprechaun before." I love my job. "Do you think if I shoot one with my gun, Lucky Charms would explode everywhere?" That would make for an even tastier mission than usual. Although to be fair, Lucky Charms is only my second favorite cereal.

"Sweet Christ. Just get to Ireland, kill the vampire who's taken over the hospital... and bring the Police Girl with you."

"Aw come on, I have to bring her everywhere!"

"Ah ah ah, none of the sass."

"Yes, Mom."

I think I could've done better than that, but to be honest I was a little eager to shoot something in Ireland. Possibly the Police Girl. If you know what I mean.

You'd better fucking know what I mean.

X

Meanwhile in Italy, two priests are chatting about killing things without a little boy in sight. Make of that what you will.

X

After quite a bit of boring stuff you don't want to read about, I ended up here, in a hospital filled with ghouls. Well, half-filled at this point; I'm having a blast killing them. But why should I have all the fun?

"Hey Police Girl! Poliiice Girl! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there's like forty zombies in here! Just one shot to the head and they explode!" Bang. "This is like House of the Dead, only like, a hundred times more awesome!"

So the Police Girl blasts the door down and tuck-and-rolls into the room, hand-cannon at the ready. "Fine. I'll shoot some-o' the rotten bastards. Can't be that much fun." She takes aim, fires, and blows a zombie's head off. Her eyes start glowing red... I think I like where this is going. "Oh, fuck the hell yes."

And twenty seconds later all the zombies are gone. Sure, I missed out on some great shooting, but that was hot. "Sweet Black fucking Sabbath. If I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra," mostly because I'm curious if she has any sex drive herself, "I'd fuck the red right out of those eyes."

Out of nowhere, about a dozen stupidly huge knives stab through her back. Someone's compensating for something. "Well, kinda like that, but with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina."

Now who the fuck has the balls to interrupt my lovely night out? "Hm?" Hearing this party-crashing motherfucker's footsteps, I turn to face him. He stinks. "Suddenly it reeks of hypocrisy in here."

A bigass grey trenchcoat, round glasses... hold on, someone's stealing my swag. At least he doesn't have the hat too. That would be pushing it... so anyway, this guy's Irish, a priest going by the smell, and clearly a vampire hunter... let's piss him off.

"Oh, if it isn't the Catholic Church. And what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch. Progress."

"Ah, look at what we have here?" he shoots back with a huge grin. He took that snark pretty well, actually. "A bloody Heathen!" Oh come on, that's the best he's got? Let me show him how it's done; maybe he'll get it this time...

"Excuse me, but I am a fuckmothering vampire. I've killed a lot of people to get this title," Obligatory Call of Duty reference, "I deserve to be called such."

"Well then. Mind if I ask you your name?" Hm. I hope he's setting me up for a one-liner, because if he's not, I'm gonna be really disappointed.

"Only if you give yours first, papist."

"Fine, I'll give ya the courtesy. The name's Alexander Anderson."

Somewhere, I just know Integra said something stupid. But in a funny way.

"You have been chosen to reveal my existence to the world!" Ooh, it looks like we've got ourselves a ham. Already holding one huge knife, he yanks a second out of the Police Girl's back... ow... and goes on, "You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later!" He crosses the blades... yep, definitely Catholic... "Except ya won't! 'Cause I'll have killed ya!"

Wait.

"Oh my. Brilliant speech... and unoriginal. That's totally from Boondock Saints."

"What!? No it isn't! I came up with it a week ago!" Oh, he seems a little agitated now. Did I just hit a nerve?

"Whatever. We're here for the vampire," I tell him. Now that I've started to piss him off, a real insult would be to get him to work with us at this exact moment.

"The only one left here is your sorry pale arse." And that door just slammed, but at least he's starting to figure out how this works.

The Police Girl makes that fucking blood-gurgling noise again. "Yeah yeah, gimme a minute." I turn back to Anderson, and by now he should be noticing that I haven't stopped grinning this whole time. "So what do you want, anyway? The nearest elementary school is at least ten kilometers away."

"It is your corrupt I claim!" Here we go again. "It is your evil that will be sought by me with every breath!" It's best I cut him off before he gets too into this...

"Boondock. Saints. Seriously, you must watch that movie religiously. Heh. Get it?"

"Okay, ya know what? Fuck it." Yep, I struck a nerve alright. "Knife."

Huh? "Knife?"

Whoa, now there's a knife in my chest and I'm coughing up blood. Cool. "Master!" Police Girl calls, almost like she thinks this little thing actually matters. How cute.

Okay, my turn to make a reference. "Boom." I blow this guy's brains out with one bullet. "Headshot." We hardly knew ye. "Well, now that that's over, how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal, Count Choc-"

And there goes my head again. Fuck I hate when my head comes off... wait a minute, who cut it off, anyway?

"Master!" Again with this crap? Seriously?

"Well, now that that's over..." and now this fucker is stealing my lines too. Like taking my outfit wasn't enough. "...how about we go back to my place for a bowl of my favorite cereal," and now he's putting the moves on the Police Girl too... "Frankenberr- oh son of a Protestant whore!"

Huh. I expected it to be Lucky Charms.

Wait, where am I? Oh, I'm in between the Police Girl's left shoulder and tit. Sweet. "See? This kinda shit is why I stopped going to church..."

Unholy shit.

She snarked.

I WANT HER.

Police Girl... this should work nicely, I just have to sound like I'm dead. Sound like Edward, that's all. Poliiiice Girrrl. You are reading your Master's miiind. Put my heeaad between your boooobs.

"Now I'm all alone." And she puts my head between her boobs... that actually worked!? "The only one I have left is you..."

Very good. Now the next thing I want you to do is, put me between your leeee-

Thwahchsk. A knife flies into my forehead and I've just gotten a one-way ticket out of Marshmallow Hell. "Goddammit!"

"It's a shame, for ya lost your head. A careless vampire who wound up dead. You wore your sin like it was some kind of prize. Too many lies... too many lies..."

...This guy must be made of references.

What do I do? What do I do!? Seems like the telepathic link between me and the Police Girl is still open. Huh. I... I could try seducing him? Wait, no! I'm not an eight-year-old boy! Shit!

I will take this woman, and I will teach her true mastery of snark. I might in fact do both at the same time.

"Say your prayers, wee lass!" Unless this son of a bitch kills her before I get to have my fun... If he does, I swear I'll assrape him with her sniper rifle. Or a chainsaw, depending on what's available at the moment.

A few handgun shots ring out... my Casull makes it look like a bitch, but a gun is a gun, and Reference McUnoriginal seems to be wielding knives of soft silver, so they get smashed to pieces. Nice save, boss.

"That girl belongs to me."

No, she belongs to me, but close enough.

"Well, aren't you the naughty one?" Oh? It seems like McUnoriginal seems to be getting the hang of this...

"Don't make me shoot you in the fucking head." Too bad Integra has always been a poor sport with this kind of thing.

"What the hell do ya want, ya crazy Protestant bastard?"

"I'm a woman."

"Call yerself whatever ya want, ya crazy Protestant bastard!"

I have trained him well, but his potential falls far short of the Police Girl.

"...You do know, this is a grave violation of our agreement," she states, still unamused.

"And what part would that be?"

"The part where you're here, killing my men!" Oh shit, she's pissed now.

So what does McUnoriginal do? Kill two more and cross blades with Integra herself. "I have no idea what yer on about!" I think I'm starting to like this guy. "I'm just here doin' ma job, killin' vampires and werewolves and leprechauns... I've never actually found one, but do ye think if I cut one open with my knife it would spill out Lucky Charms?"

Ah. So they must be his second favorite cereal too. Or he was lying about liking Frankenberry.

"Just shut up! Where the hell is Alucard!?" She tells him to shut up, then asks him a question. Typical.

"Ah him? I killed him!"

"Killed him?" she sounds almost amused. Almost.

"Cut off his bloody head!"

"Oh." She's grinning now. This crazy fucker actually got her to grin... "Well, that's step one. What about two through ten?"

"Ah, Christ!"

And that's my cue to regenerate in the most over-the-top awesome way I can. For best results, take with epic orchestral music and popcorn. My hat's missing, but fuck it. I'll find it once I'm through showing McUnoriginal who the real Snark Lord is.

"You done goofed."

"How the blood-soaked Protestant Hell did ya do that!?"

"Fuck you, that's how."

"Ya know what? I've had enough of this." Ooh, looks like I win again. Shocker. He flips open a Bible and a few hundred pages fly out and around him... that's actually pretty neat. "Ta Hell with all ya dirty Heathens!"

And then he's gone.

"Eat me! Don't forget to write!" I call after him, just for the lulz. As always, really.

"Oh my God." The Police Girl falls to her knees, somehow with her sniper rifle in hand again. "We survived!"

"So..." sooner or later I'll have to mention that I was fully conscious during my visit to Marshmallow Hell, but that can wait.

"What?" Integra asks tiredly.

"Do I get to go after him?"

"No."

"Aw come on!"

"No, and that's final! We've got bigger things to worry about. Whoever's behind these vampire attacks... it has to be some kind of large, organized group."

"Like the Nazis?" Oh, the good old days. Operation Kraut Control, and fun stuff like that.

"That would be retarded."

X

Meanwhile

"Gentlemen... ve... are Nazis."

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

"Und ve... vill have vaaaar."

"Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

"Und ve... Und ve... atchuslk!"

"Gesundheit! Gesundheit!"

This is gonna be great.