Title: When all you could do is love yourself

Author: BlackFenra

Warning: YAOI! Boy's LOVE! Read at your own risk!

Rating: Mature

Character: Shuichi Shindou (Hence the story was in his perspective of the things that happened)

Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine to own. It's Murakami-sensei's. After reading YukixHiro pairing, I felt that Shuichi needs a space within which he could breath and cry his heart out after being betrayed. I feel for poor Shu, though I must admit YxH pairing is hot in their own right.

Shuichi found out about Eiri and Hiro's secret rendezvous behind his back, what will this adorable pink furball to do? Will he remain the same sweet kid everyone loved, or will he change into the man he should be? How much can he pretend not to know about this bizarre love triangle going around them? Or was it only him who was left behind?

Chapter 1: The day the heaven's fell

Shuichi ran and ran what seem to him feels like a hundred miles. He unfortunately found out about his best friend and lover's affair and to him, it was the most horrific thing that happened to him in years. Even his rape incident has somehow failed in comparison, and his head is beginning to spin. He suddenly come to a halt and once again started crying. He cannot fathom how on earth did his most beloved Eiri and dearly cherished best friend Hiro could have gone out doing that behind his back. He must be really dumb for not being able to notice how Hiro would deny him access to his apartment like months ago, telling him that he should not run away from home if Eiri and him had a fight. Or when Eiri would disappear for days and when he comes home, he would not even as bother cast a glance his way. He thought that Eiri shutting him down like always was normal, but when he think about it now, it was almost like saying he was not welcoming enough in his eyes.

He could have never thought about it happening. It never occurred to him that this was happening behind him. He called himself a fool for the first time in a very long time, since it was always Eiri who called him that. Now he can see it was oh so true, how a fool he really was. He was blinded with too much love for Eiri that whatever the blonde novelist would tell him he would believe, even if they were obvious made up lies that he had to put up his lifeline through, just so that the man would not deny him the affection he needs and the love that he yearns from him. Did he really just ask for too much? Was he really that afraid to be alone and without someone to love or so he led himself on to believe that Eiri needs him because of his trauma from before? What a way to dream!

And Hiro, his dearest bestfriend who he imagined he cannot be without, is now in the arms of his god. Panting, moaning, screaming his lover's name as if it was his to own, as if calling his name enables him to breath and live. The one who he thought who would never betray him, the one who swore to be by his side, making music, making dreams, sharing their lives as if they were born on the same day, with the same fate entangled in their grasp, had just made love to the god who he worships like the sun. Shuichi had never even thought that Hiro could have broken his trust. But unfortunately, he did, and Shu wasn't so sure to trust anyone anymore. He don't even know what to believe in anymore.

What could have led to this discovery? All he knew was he was running home to Eiri after what could have been a dreary and long meeting with the new music director who will be going to shoot their new single, Haunted Dreams. Since he was lead singer, he was the only one asked to attend the meeting because Hiro and Suguru would need to finish the instrumentals on the song before the shooting begins within a week. After a four hour talk with the young female director and Seguchi Tohma, Shu dragged his feet back to the studio only to find out that Hiro and Suguru had left 2 hours ago. K dismissed them early since they had finished polishing the piece that was to be submitted for final check with Tohma and Sakano. Since he had nothing to do, he decided to head home to his shared apartment with Eiri Uesugi, or better yet known as Eiri Yuki, the most beautiful blonde novelist he know he ever laid eyes on.

How could he have missed Hiro's motorcycle left in the parking area outside NG Studios? He must have been really excited to go home after a tiring day. It was 2 weeks ago when they started recording three singles for an upcoming album and he would not hear the end of it from K if he slacked off again. So he did diligently, even if it means late-night hours going home, delivery foods, all-nighters going through new lyrics and sleepless nights. It isn't helping that Eiri was being cold, yet that bastard lover of his was always that way. He was glad that even K approved of their work and as such gave them the day-off to rest their weary and tired body and mind. And as the energetic furball of joy galloped his way through the apartment, he could have never seen it coming, the maddening surprise that would turn his world upside down in a matter of seconds.

He was about to shout his lover's name, say "I'M BACK!" like he was used to, even if Eiri don't say much about him being welcome to the luxurious apartment they've shared for three years, when he heard moans coming from their unit. Odd thing was the front door was open, and he was so sure that Eiri always managed to lock the damn door because he don't want anyone interrupting his work when he is in the study. Not paying that much attention for a small mistake, or so he thought, he made his way to slowly open the door. What greeted him gave him the shock of his life. There, in the very floors of their living room, where he writes his lyrics, where he would spend the night when he feel uncomfortable sleeping in the couch because Eiri kicked him again of their bedroom for making a mess with the bed, is Eiri.

He could have sworn to throw tantrums to see once again that never once Eiri changed, always screwing whoever he wants. But what gave the singer the halt was the partner he picked up this time.

"Ahh, Hiro, you're so fucking good!"

Hiro. Hiro. Shuichi processed the name in his now hazy mind.

"Please Eiri, more, more! AHHH! So Good! Ohh, don't stop! Don't stop! Harderrr!"

"Hiro... Together."

That hit like nail in Shuichi's head. That voice that screams his lover's name can only belong to one person.

Hiroshi Nakano.

"Faster, Eiri! I'm coming! Oh, shit! Fuck!"

His heart clenched when he saw them making love, hearing them call each other's names in ecstasy, drowning themselves in the moment, not bothering to even lock the door, both seem unafraid of the fact that a certain someone might see them. He can't even remember how he managed to get out of the door unnoticed. He was stuck there outside the door of their apartment, unable to even take one step forward back inside and launch an attack or two to remind them of his presence. Then he heard Hiro calling Eiri's name. Eiri. Eiri. Eiri. The name which he can't easily call his lover even if it was his real name. The moaning and groaning eventually grew louder, in resonance with the pending headache he sure knew he was about to experience and the thumping of his poor, crushed heart.

"I love you, Hiro! Ahhh! So...tight!" Eiri's voice penetrated through Shu's skull, sending daggers plunging straight into the deep recesses of his heart.

Shuichi clasped his mouth to supress his sobs. Why, he just heard Eiri said the words to Hiro that he so longed for. That three simple words that he needed so much to hear from his blonde novelist yet time and again never happened. What made it more hurting was Hiro begging Eiri to do him harder, cries of pleasure escaping from the redhead guitarist's mouth. And as he wished he didn't, Shu peeked in the door and saw Hiro above Eiri, his head thrown back while helping himself to the pleasure the grumpy author was giving him. He went still, his shock now unbearable, his muscles tensed in anger and agitation, his eyes blurry with the onslaught of tears in his eyes. The final straw was thrown at him when he heard both men letting out moans of satisfaction, especially from Eiri, who never do that when it was him underneath his bastard author.

That was it. He slowly pick himself up and tiptoed towards the elevator. He almost laughed at his stupidity. Why would he even bother silencing his footsteps when there was nothing to be guilty about? But it would never be known to the world that he, Shuichi Shindo, Bad Luck's multi-platinum selling vocalist, just ran into his most important people screwing each other. He hurriedly rode the elevator when it opened and prayed to any gods that it would send him to any dimension and possible magical portals to swallow him. He can't take much of containing his tears, and when the elevators reached the ground floor and opened, he ran as fast as he could, leaving trails of dust in his wake. He need to get his poor ass out there fast.

And that's what brings him to the present. What could have happen hours ago if he went in and busted the two of them? Can his broken heart take much more? It was as clear as the margarita glasses he bought yesterday to celebrate Eiri's birthday.

No.

He answered his own damn question. There would have been no way not to scream in loathe as facing those two people responsible of his current predicament. But then, he could have already noticed that there was no way that Eiri would love him, despite the occasional facts that the jerk sometimes showed he really cared. And if he were to throw his messy tantrums and shout like hell, neighbors would notice, thus could create a much bigger scandal and he won't want that. Tohma and K would have his head if he ruin his precious career and the blonde brother-in-law of Eiri who thought of them as cash magnets won't make it favorable to him. Not when there was an upcoming album. Not until his heart settle enough to face the problem that lies within his already strained relationship with Eiri.

But now, assessing himself, he find it so hard to described the pain he was feeling in that instance. It was a sudden surge of emotions that he can't bear to name, if they can be named at that moment. All he could see was clouds in his eyes. He covered his face and sat blankly in the grassy part of wherever he is right now. He looked up and saw that it started to rain as well. Great. The sky was now in sync with his miserable state. He managed to give out a laugh. Was he a joke for Eiri? And if ever, had Hiro thought about what this would affect him and their friendship? His mind is swirling and it drags him deeper to what was known to be depression and he don't need that, at least not for now.

But it seem unlikely that they even considered of him. They won't be doing that... risking themselves to be seen, if they had at one time thought about being caught in the act. And if his rage gets the better of him, he could kill them right there. But that won't be possible with what's left of his strength.

He was not thinking clearly anymore. The rain started to pick up. The last thing he want is to become sick. He called the next thing he saw in his cellphone. He needed someone to talk to or else, he would be propelled to jump in the nearest bridge he can see or have himself be beaten to death. Neither was his choice, because he need to fix things. And maybe, just maybe, this would be the perfect timing to prove that cheating bastard lover of his how his brat grew without being fed but lies, lies and more lies. If he didn't saw them, he was so sure he would still be living in that livid paradise of monsters. And be able to realize how far he is from being loved.

He doesn't want to think. Because his generous mind just fed him the best of the scenes and it is very possible to have been set on replay.

"Hello? K, can you pick me up? I'm stuck."

AN: Really love Gravi! And I really like Shu, though, how much he becomes annoying sometimes. I just love everything about him, especially his bubblegum pink hair and the unusual combination of amethyst remembrance I hope to read favorable reviews. This is my very first fanfiction and I hope I'm doing fine! More love for Shu! He needs justice! ^_~