AN: A few nights ago I was watching late night tv hosts videos on YouTube and eventually came across a fan made Castle video. (You can see a connection there, right? Yeah, me neither. Oh, the powers of YouTube.) Anyway, this story is what happened. I wasn't sure I was going to post it. There are a few stories running out there full of angst, and tragedy, and all that good stuff. Anyways, this is a short story. I will post every day and be done by the weekend.

This is a horrible day for the sun to be shining. It blinded me as I woke this morning. There is one only event going on today, but there is so much going on. Out in the city, in this loft and most of all, inside my head and heart.

Your mom and Alexis brought me from the Hamptons a few days ago. I don't remember the drive. After the initial shock of seeing your car in flames, I don't remember much. The amnesia I claimed to have after I was shot became real. Lanie said it was probably a blessing, having the ability to block that horrible day. But it was supposed to be a wonderful day. And I don't want to forget. Does that make me crazy?

There's so much I don't want to forget. It takes every ounce of strength I have to put my scattered thoughts into place. Alexis has been hovering over me. She brings me tea, makes sure I eat. She turned the shower for me yesterday. All I could do was stand inside the stall and cry. I can't cry in front of her. Lord knows I did enough of that back in the Hamptons.

She prefers to sleep in our bed. I wish I could say I do the same. I will lay with her until she falls asleep. But I know I'm not fooling her. The other night I got out of bed and went to your office. I was hoping if I sat in your chair, I would feel you.

Lanie refuses to go home, too. She has been sleeping upstairs. Between her, Martha, Alexis and Jenny, I am never alone. Yet, I feel the loneliest I've ever been…

All I know is, your funeral is today. I have tried to eat. I have had a cup of coffee (that I spiked with whiskey) and I am dressed. Jenny just did my make up, even though she cried the entire time. Her daughter sat quietly in the chair by the piano and then climbed into my lap. Kevin tried to take her, but she held on tighter. My thoughts slipped to the fact that I will never hold our children in my lap.

I will never soothe a teething baby.

I will never hear "Momma" for the first time and you will never hear "Daddy" again.

We will never have little feet scamper down the hall and jump into our bed when a storm is raging outside.

My mind is flooded with memories of you. The time we huddled for warmth in the freezing truck, all of your sexual innuendos before we got together, how I fell in love with you and watched you gradually change into the wonderful man you became; the man of my dreams. You were everything I never knew I always wanted.

The pallbearers carry your coffin to the gravesite. I can't bear to call it a casket. That word has a new meaning to me now. Even though you were not a cop, all officers in attendance wore their dress uniforms. Alexis picked out a beautiful floral arrangement for the top.

I sat at the front of the crowd, prepared to deliver your eulogy. I was still in a state of shock, even though it has been two weeks since… My dad is here. He is next to Martha, Alexis is on the other side of her. They are her pillars of strength. I have yet to see your Mom cry. I wonder if behind the dark sunglasses the tears have gathered. Maybe I have cried enough for both of us.

I want to give your eulogy, but how do I say goodbye? When I think of you, there are no words to tell the world what you meant to me. My Aunt Theresa came over yesterday. In her unique way, she was bustling with food, condolences and advice. She brought me to the bedroom and sat on the bed to talk. Castle, I couldn't believe it. It was like my mother was here. She gave me some comfort. She suggested I read my vows as your eulogy. I'm consumed with loss.

That crushing, heavy pain deep in my chest…

The aching lump in the back of my throat…

The stinging eyes…

The headaches from crying…

Gut wrenching pain…

Heart palpitations…

Loss of purpose… emptiness… meaninglessness…

Mood swings…

Nightmares…

Numbness…

They say grief is a healing process.

Then why is it the hurt so absolutely devastating? It doesn't feel like healing. To break the bond feels as if we will die ourselves.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. All I have in front of me is a blank sheet of paper.

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