Inspired by getting baked as shit and swapping headcanons with fellow weeaboo shitbabies.

Drug, alcohol, and sexual mention trigger warnings.

Dedicated to the One True Pairing of Izumo and Kotetsu.

It was damn Sakura's fault, Sasuke thought, scowling to himself as he thought of his team. Or Kakashi's. Or the dobe's. If any of them had bothered to pick him up after he'd served a month in maximum security, he wouldn't be stuck in this mess. Instead, he'd been left to his own devices in the old Uchiha compound, an arrangement that Tsunade immediately declared inappropriate, unacceptable, and generally not doable, especially considering his history. So he'd been dragged to the Hokage's office, where they'd placed chakra limiters on his wrists and was told he needed a fuckin' nanny.

They hadn't called it that – the council had declared that he'd need a roommate, a shinobi, since he would have no chakra to use. And who would help him find a job. (Because who would hire an ex-missing-nin who had a reputation even more frightening than Itachi-nii-san's? The thought had him grinding his teeth.) And who had volunteered? Nobody. Fucking nobody in this shithole of a village that he'd helped save.

They'd been considering putting him back in maximum security – an idea which had him scowling more – when who else, but Umino Iruka had rushed to his rescue, blabbing dramatic nothings about 'once a student, always a student, Hokage-sama' and 'conscience couldn't allow me to let him suffer longer' and other bullshit Sasuke wasn't really listening to, until Shizune disrespectfully pinched his ear, glaring at him to listen to the Hokage.

"What?" he asked indifferently, waiting to be escorted to his cell, ready to pick his plans of insurrection right back up. Instead, the cuffs around him were split into two, allowing him to move his arms, and he hid his surprise beneath a mask of indifference. "What's this?"

"Weren't you listening?" Shizune hissed furiously, but Tsunade held up a hand calmly, eyes glinting at him with a terrifying menace that would've frightened a lesser man. However, he was an Uchiha, and he –

"You'll be living with Iruka, who has kindly offered you a bed in his house, since obviously the Uchiha grounds are off-limits until you... basically, until you prove your loyalty."

He began to protest furiously. Hadn't he proved his loyalty by not razing this damn village to the ground? Hate burned in him, and he felt his dojutsus struggle to activate despite the chakra suppressors against his ankles.

"Since none of your friends seemed willing to offer you a couch…" there was meaning in that one. She meant everyone.

He had nobody.

His eyes narrowed a little, watching the Hokage guardedly. "Anyway. You are not allowed any chakra. But, even though Iruka owns his house, I find it a little unfair that he must house you and deal with all your expenses. So… since you're currently unable to perform your regular genin duties… you're to find a job, with my letter of recommendation, anywhere you choose." Her eyes sparkled and he felt a dull thud of fury. "If you like… you can be a gardener… or a carpenter… or even a garbage person! Or perhaps a plumber."

Sasuke would've gaped if he had not long ago mastered indifference. He only nodded. "Of course."

Tsunade looked a little disappointed at his reaction, and he smirked internally. Old bitch. He'd just have to wait for her to die and the dobe would be eating out of his hand.

Iruka gestured for him to follow, and grudgingly, he did, though it was rather difficult to keep up his usual ignoble stride while trying to keep up with Iruka, who walked rather quickly, chattering on inanely about shit Sasuke did not care about, telling him about his life, about the dobe, even about Sakura.

"So! We can drop your stuff off and send out a few applications today!" Iruka smiled after about half an hour of walking, finally breaking the silence. It was a nice street, Sasuke had to admit, a civilian neighborhood with flowers growing in gardens and children playing and shrieking in the green lawns. A pang of envy resounded in his chest, but he stifled it in order to glare at the chuunin. Had Iruka really been his teacher? He remembered the distinctive scar – ha, only an incompetent ninja would allow anything so distinctive to harm their face, he thought, not recalling Kakashi – but otherwise, there was nothing familiar about this man.

"What do you mean, today?" Sasuke ground out. He'd expected the ability to lie in a real bed first, at the very least, with a meal. He was not only an Uchiha, but a hero of war, damnit!

Iruka raised a brow at his tone before turning into a little garden area. Sasuke snorted. This was his house?

There was a tiny front yard, grassy and covered with flowers and spare weeds, but overall very well tended to… to the point of fanaticism. Some would've called it basic gardening, but Sasuke's background left very little in terms of… well, everything that wasn't required of a shinobi.

Iruka led him to a little room, already made up. "You were expecting me?" Sasuke asked dryly, dropping his (very few) possessions on the ground and quickly putting away his (very few) articles of clothing. Tsunade had already provided him with his own clothing – he didn't look like an inmate anymore.

Humming a little, Iruka smiled. "No, I always keep the guest bedroom made up in case anyone needs it. You never know. Besides, it's less lonely to have another bedroom filled up all the time."

Sasuke froze at that. He remembered Mikoto articulating the same sentiment once when Fugaku was away on a mission. His eyes hardened. That had been a long time ago, though. Another world. He quickly shoved such thoughts away. Uchiha were not sentimental.

Going into the kitchen, Iruka continued to yell at him. "So, I can give you the grand tour soon. For now, let's focus on your resume. Would you like something to eat? A friend of mine from Amegakure sent me this great soup that I'm sure you'd enjoy."

He did not answer, but Iruka began simmering a pot of it anyway. It was yellow and looked sweet. Sasuke hated sweets. They burned his mouth and left it feeling rough and his teeth fuzzy.

"So," Iruka clicked a pen against a scroll. "What kind of job would you like?"

"I don't care," Sasuke answered, not sitting down at the kitchen table with Iruka. There was a tablecloth. It was blue and covered with gray table settings. Sasuke stared at the alien things, unable to reconcile their presence with his current state. He clenched his fist.

"How about a bus boy or waiter? Pretty simple jobs, no prior training really required. You might pick up some cooking skills too. Oh – can you cook?" He smiled.

"I know how to not starve with limited resources in enemy territories."

"Oh… well. Can you… remember orders quickly?"

"I can memorize complex chakra patterns for jutsus very easily with my Sharingan."

Iruka's smile began to look a little strained as he scribbled down information on the scroll. "Well, we certainly know that you're determined and intelligent. Your lack of experience is a little sad, but with this letter from the Hokage, you should be fine! Oh – it has a list of all the D class missions you completed befo… all of the D class missions could count as experience! You did help clean a restauraunt once… oh, it was one that Rock Lee had destroyed. Well. It counts! So. What kind of food do you like?"

And thus it went.

Iruka duplicated the resume several times. They stopped at Ichiraku 'for old time's sake', though Sasuke noted indifferently that Teuichi did not look pleased to have him there. They stopped at a few more places – one that Sasuke knew Kakashi frequented. Had frequented. Whatever.

The next day, Iruka dragged him after school to check the resumes. One place actually, miraculously hired him.

It was fucking terrible.

He was barely trained before being ordered around and told to take things to places with names he didn't recognize. He lasted all of two days before quitting.

Same with the next job.

And the next.

The final job, however, he did not quit. He was fired on the fourth day by the manager.

"So, Uchiha, you're an avenger," the portly man sneered, not understanding the ease in which Sasuke could snap his oversized body in half. "You have the Sharingan eye, and still, my damn tables aren't cleaned!"

Trudging home, he felt more than a little pathetic, taking back ways so nobody would recognize him.

Sakura and Kakashi had point blank refused to house him. Naruto had seemed willing, but the dobe had capitulated under his team's stony glares. So he was stuck with Iruka, who took time off work to get Sasuke a job. The past week and a half he'd been taking off time for Sasuke.

When the Uchiha trudged through the door, Iruka looked up from his novel and sighed.

"Another one?"

Sasuke merely nodded, before going to change into fresh clothing. Nobody had ever described how dirty food service was. He was a seasoned shinobi, but every day he came home with aching feet.

"I really didn't want to have to do this…" Iruka sighed. "I guess it's our final option, then. Even with the Hokage's seal... very few places will hire you. Your reputation precedes you, I suppose." Scratching his head, he stood. "We might as well go now, before it gets dark."

Sasuke could've groaned. All he really wanted at this point was to lay down and dwell on his plants to demolish every single institution that had humiliated him. But he obediently and silently followed.

It was a long walk - all the way to the other side of the village, in the red light district, where the cheap housing and failed shinobi were located. Sasuke raised a brow. It was not proper for an Uchiha to be here. But he supposed it didn't matter what his name was anymore. He was going to get a job, pass the chuunin exams, and get the bitch Hokage off his back.

He was startled by the sight of Shiranui Genma, someone he hadn't expected to see, storming towards them.

"Genma?" Iruka frowned. "Why do you... oh goodness..." he fretted. "What happened this time?"

Genma's traditional senbon was missing, and he stopped. "I wouldn't go in there just now, if I were you." He scowled. "I kind of... punched the sign off the top."

"What was it this week?"

"The Rusty Senbon." He frowned deeply. "I quit."

Iruka shook his head. "It's really a miracle nobody has died yet."

"Kotetsu almost died that time Anko quit and tried to strangle him."

Sasuke looked discomfitted at that, and Iruka noticed, smiling reassuringly. "At least we know a position is open!" He tried to inject some cheer into his voice, but the Uchiha boy's emotions had been rising much closer to the surface than usual these day. Instead of only expressing annoyance and anger, his face seemed twisted into a permanent expression of discomfort and awkwardness. He'd have to get Kakashi to stop by and see it, he chortled silently to himself.

The pair bid Genma farewell, and Sasuke's quiet footsteps dragged behind Iruka's quicker, more cheerful tread.

The foretold sign hung by a piece of haphazardly tied rope over the door. Iruka sighed. He'd have to talk to the boys about getting that fixed. Yelling could be heard - it was close to opening time. Genma had likely come in for work, saw the sign, gotten angry, and left - but not after he destroyed it.

"Dude, he called us gay!"

"He walked in on you giving me a blowjob at the temple during your religious faze. That's pretty gay."

Iruka turned and sent Sasuke a reassuring smile as he opened the door - the knob was sticky, he sighed to himself - and began walking upstairs, where Izumo and Kotetsu were - hopefully! - counting stock.

"That's so not gay! That was to prove a point! And it was not a faze! I'm religious!"

"Your parents are religious, and you wanted to kiss ass for rent that month."

Iruka frowned up at them as his head peeked above the stairs.

Izumo looked at Kotetsu in rage. "Okay man, spiritual - come on, man, Iruka's here! You said you wouldn't say shit like that in front of Iruka! I'm turning over a responsible leaf!"

"If you make another Leaf Village joke, I actually think I'll kill you." Kotetsu replied, writing something on the scroll Kotetsu held.

"Actually doing work? I'm impressed guys. Here, do you two remember Uchiha Sasuke?"

The two paused from their perusal of the bottles before them.

"Of course I remember Uchiha Sasuke. Naruto almost killed himself trying to get you to come back." Kotetsu looked at him strangely. The duo was nearly unrecognizable outside of their typical chuunin gear.

"We're the ones who found Haruno Sakura when you knocked her out and left her on a park bench."

"Well, I just saw Genma marching out of here furiously-"

"It was because of the sign." Kotetsu rolled his eyes. "I wanted to name it 'The Slobbery Shuriken', but Izumo outvoted me."

"How did he outvote you?" Iruka frowned. "There's only two of you."

"I sold him my share of the stock for a dango last week. The Hokage had us on a long shift and I was hungover. Anyway, as I was say-ing," he yelled, trying to drown out Iruka's sigh. "What does Genma have to do with this?"

"You're hiring Sasuke here as your new third man."

Izumo groaned. "Come on, man! You can't break up the El Dude Brothers like that! Genma was the man!"

Iruka looked confused. "I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but my word is final. You can't fire him, but he can't quit. Anyway, Genma worked here for three days. The only person with a shorter run here was Ebisu, who walked out after seeing the state of the bathroom."

Sasuke turned, startled. Was this a fucking joke? "This does not sound like a job I want."

Looking highly offended, Kotetsu scowled. "You're hired, dick! You're gonna have the time of your life. Hey, since Genma knocked down the sign, let's think of a new name. How about 'The Shitmystery'." He waved his hands for dramatic effect.

"That's a good one," Izumo begrudgingly agreed. "We're not turning into a hookah bar, though. Shit gets expensive."

"Do you know how much money I make selling bud out the back, though!? Okay, Iruka, new business plan - we grow a couple plants up here where Tsunade won't ever stick her nose-"

"No." Iruka wasn't even listening.

"And we can sell it to genin and civvies out the back! Come on, don't tell me that isn't perfect."

"It isn't perfect."

Izumo agreed. "The last time you got super cross faded was the time the garbage man found a naked body on top of the trash can. We can't do it again! I gave him an entire fourth so he wouldn't tell Shizune that it was you."

Sasuke leaned towards Iruka. "What the hell is cross faded?"

"Drunk and high. Or uppers and downers together. Or being extremely turnt up."

"Turned up?"

"Shut up! You're just a germaphobe. I'll buy you a hookah of your very own."

At that, Izumo seemed to consider it, but Iruka held up a hand.

"As main stockholder and owner of the Shitmystery, I say no marijuana can be sold out the back. Especially not to my students!"

Kotetsu sagged. "Damn. We're a little short on change this month. Barely scraping by! Especially with rent due."

"Dude, it's because my mom found out I blew you during temple. Not a good look in her book." Izumo opined.

"It was to prove a point!" Kotetsu argued. "It was pretty good, not gonna lie."

"Considering the two of you have been living together since you were genin-"

"We're not dating!" Izumo spluttered. "Don't try to insinuate anything untoward! You guys are sinners."

Kotetsu frowned. "Dude, we're kind of married. Anyway, if we're sinners, you're a sinner too, for blowing me in a church!"

Sasuke looked at Iruka. "Are they joking?" He murmured.

Sending him a supportive, if sheepish smile, Iruka shook his head. "I'm, uh, afraid not... but it's gonna be the time of your life, right?"

Sasuke groaned.

"I am not a sinner, I am not gay... Kami, I need a drink. Alright, newbie!" Izumo declared. "Count how many bottles of whatever we have, because personally, I'm jonesing for a Bloody Mary."

"Can I use my Sharingan?"

"You can use whatever brand of lube you want," Kotetsu said blithely. "As long as you wipe the handles down and make sure Izumo can't tell. Just kidding, it's not like it matters. Izumo likes bitch drinks."

Iruka chuckled. "Don't scare the boy. Sasuke, you can use the Sharingan. And there is nothing wrong with Bloody Marys. They're a great hangover helper."

"Thirty-seven bottles of vodka. Sixteen bottles of rum. Fourteen of whiskey. Twenty-eight bottles of sake. Forty bottles of wine."

"Slow down!" Izumo scribbled. "This shit is hella useful. Kid, you're hired."

"Three bottles of margarita mix." Sasuke droned on.

"I'll order more." Iruka released a genjutsu and opened up a shitty cardboard door.

Sasuke stared. Was Iruka actually in charge of the place?

"Thanks boss. We're a little low this week."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to mess you guys up during the three hours you actually work a week."

"We do business!"

"Dancing topless on the bar and making out while screaming 'No homo!' at the top of your lungs, I'm sorry to tell you, is not business. I'm pretty sure people steal the handles, too."

"Dude, no homo totally counts. Words are powerful and shit." Izumo argued. "That's how you manage to charm all of out lovely patrons, isn't it?"

"I generally do more listening than talking." Iruka replied primly. "A little of respect goes a long way, boys."

"We're older than you!" Kotetsu frowned. "Don't call us boys!"

"Dude, we're twenty-six year old chuunin and barely have two hundred bucks between us. We're gonna have to call your mom for more rent."

"We could ask yours, but she caught you giving me oral sex in a temple!"

"It was, like, a religious experience, don't even try to argue that it wasn't. And shut up, Iruka, you know this entire business was built on getting ass. You totally benefit. The benefits just aren't necessarily financial."

Iruka chuckled.

Izumo smirked. "I saw that blond piece of ass from last week. You, my little friend, are a smooth talker. You fuckin' swinger."

"Being a swinger requires a significant other. I am happily single. And he was a very nice man from Ame." Iruka raised his brow primly, and Sasuke stared, unable to formulate any response to any of this conversation. "Unlike the two of you!"

"That is so gay, and I am a one-hundred percent heterosexual male of Konoha Village."

"Dude, we're basically married." Kotetsu pointed out, moving some bottles around, throwing away ones that were close to empty... but not before swallowing the contents.

"We aren't married! I'm straight. Like, at least ninety percent straight."

"More like eighty-five, if we're being generous." Kotetsu sniggered.

"What? No way! The ladies love my massive dong."

"Okay, if we're being serious here, then it's medium-sized at best. Like if I'm gonna be generous-"

"Shut up, you fuckin' dildo. Bathroom, right now, asshole. I'll show you medium-sized."

"If by calling me an asshole, you're implying a rim job, I am so down."

"I'm the one who's gonna be down," Izumo muttered. "Let's go. I have a point to prove."

Sasuke waited until they left before turning to Iruka. "What the hell is a rim job?!"

"Oral sex directed at the anus. Quite pleasurable, though I'd advise using a dental dam. It's dirty work."

Sasuke stared. "And what in the hell is a dental damn?!"

"A latex, external condom, generally flat like paper, meant for protection. I know Izumo and Kotetsu often use Saran Wrap instead, but I am personally unsure about using kitchen supplies to feed my sex habit. Come on, do paperwork with me."

Boring was better than terrifying, and Sasuke hurried to obey Iruka's orders, hiding in the little office.

After a few minutes, the pair returned, with Kotetsu looking sated and Izumo wearing a shit-eating grin. Quite literally, too.

Sasuke, if he were not an Uchiha, would've groaned. It seemed quite an educational experience in the labor sector was awaiting him.

Facing the war had been easier than this.

As you can probably see, I have a lot of queer headcanons. Especially concerning Izumo and Kotetsu. Message me if anything problematic is found, please.

Because of an unfortunate (and shitty) lack in female characters, I have very few het ships.

Whenever I think about I&K, I think about how their goofy characterization would translate into their actual life. Owning a bar outside of their regular duties does not seem quite so implausible to me. Or not being able to decide on a name. And basically being married and not admitting it.