Author's Note: Views 17,263

HOLY SHIT. That seals it. Everyone came here thinking this was an actual Bwen porn. There is no way in hell this rambling piece of shit crackish mockery could have gotten anything but bait views in that number.

On the other hand, I'm kind of flattered. That's the greatest number of views and favorites I've gotten on anything since I first came to this site. Go figure. And the views rose from their extreme drop off during chapter 8. HA.

Ben 10's Hottest Summer Ever

Chapter 10: This fic doesn't actually contain any Bwen

Last last last LAST time, on our decidedly un-discontinued fic.

A delightful dime o' dozen Mary-Sue had joined in the fun. Because we don't already get enough of those.

Ben was hunched over the table, his head bowed and hands cupped in the most hopeful of spiritual prayer to whatever loving deities could be out there listening to his white American male plight.

"Oh, please, let some random villainous chaos ensue that accidentally separates me via death from from this fucking annoying relationship based Sue. Amen," he whispered before crossing himself rapidly.

Grandpa Max squinted through the dirty windshield. "Hey, is that a semi-rebooted Negative 10 I see out there in the road, or am I going senile?"

Seconds later, the Rustbucket crashed into a hail of projectiles, thrown from the collection of Ben's various popular reoccurring, and throwaway minor villains. The 'bucket slid out of control, flipped, landed back on its wheels, and finally crashed into a tree. It was awesome. Too bad you only got to read it, not see it. That would have been cool.

"We're the New Negative 10, minus lord Bossy McBalderton's King Forever Knight lame ass vendetta that needed a two parter, Sir Driscoll," Charmcaster said.

Not yet retconned into a retired from villainy hot professor dude was still evil magician-sorcerer skull-faced guy Hex, who had taken the place of Drisc, and freakish nightmare clown who isn't scary at all unless you have coulrophobia, Zombozo, replacing the Forever Ninja Teddy Bear helmet.

"You know, we're taking up three whole spots in this group," said suspiciously lucid at times Circus Freak member, Acid Breath. "Like, we could pretty much be considered one single unit."

"But then we'd have to track down and add two new members. That would take time and effort we don't have right now," Hex said sternly.

"It's never fully explained exactly how the Forever Douche King recruited all the original members of the Negative 10 in the first place," Rojo reminded everyone who'd stuck around enough to care. "Because fuck explaining anything to do with the villains."

"Or explaining why they dragged in the Amazing Mr. Midget and his buddy, Joe's Apartment, for lame filler," Acid Breath said, giving the unfortunate pair a thumb jab in their general direction.

"HEY!" they both yelled, looking terribly offended.

"Oh, come off it. None of you even had any fucking LINES," Acid countered. "You were totally just there because they didn't have anyone else they could grab at the time."

They hung their heads in the grueling, inescapable shame of undeniable minor characterdom.

"Haw haw, you guys are so lame even the writers don't like you," Zombozo laughed. That would be his single line in this entire fic. "Hey!" he yelled.

"We didn't get any lines either, except for you," Frightwig reminded factually.

Acid shrugged dismissively. "Well, I'm the only cool one of this group. And I have the best voice."

"COOL? Ha, fuck you, you got redesigned into an even uglier fuck with a BIG ASS HEAD. I'M the most popular one now, asshole," Frightwig told him off in Cree Summer's wonderfully sassy voice that sounds like Numbuh Five.

"Yeah, but only 'cause you're a fanboy's wet dream. And probably one of the character designers' too," Acid snapped back, sassily. "Ooh, some water for that burn would be nice right about now, huh?"

"DERRICK WYATT IS A GOD AMONG MEN, AND HE TOTALLY DOESN'T HAVE A KNEE SOCK FETISH!" Frightwiggy cried with mass upset. Her fists clenched tightly.

"Zetaai Ryokiu, Zetaai Ryokiu!" Acid mocked while dancing about like a stupid fucking asshole and making a weird face and waving his hands around in front of it. "Boobs on EVERYTHING! Including aliens who by all logical rights should not conform to the human gender binary."

"Yeah, well, I'm the leader of the Nuevo Circus Freaks 20 years into the future! And you're probably dead from MOUTH CANCER, you stupid ugly fuck."

Acid pondered that for a long moment and got all sad. "Aw, man. Now I'm feeling vulnerable and uncertain. As a male, I don't like this feeling!"

Now that the bickering between Freaks had shut the fuck up, the other characters began to mull over their previous inclusion in a mass enemy gathering based two part episode.

"We weren't used very effectively when you think about it," Charmcaster said. "I mean, like, why would we even team up alongside Driscoll when most of us had our own individual personal vendettas to want to rule the world? Wouldn't we most assuredly NOT want to share world domination with other villains if the entire premise of the end of the 2nd part was that we, as selfish and self-minded goal pursuing villains, couldn't work together for very long before breaking into petty squabbles over who's best?"

"Only after Tennyson and his cousin baited us into it," Dr. Animo said.

"That seemed terribly contrived," Hex said. "And I wasn't even there to see it."

"Yeah, and Acid Barf being the one who suddenly developed a working brain cell and told everyone to knock it off and focus on the Tennysons? Seriously?" Frightwig mused.

"It could happen!" Acid defended himself. "But, yeah, it does seem totally lazy and like they only did it to speed things up instead of hanging on the battle and having Ben and friends take us all out individually before going after Driscoll."

"You guys know the show was made to sell colorful plastic toys to little boys, right?" Ben reminded everyone before they got too into discussing the deeper underlying meaning of mindlessly entertaining yet undeniably stupid cartoon shit, effectively wasting what was left of their already mostly wasted lives.

"FUCK YOU, TENNYSON, IT'S PROFOUND AND DEEPLY PSYCHOLOGICAL IF MY SELF-DIAGNOSED HIGH FUNCTIONING AUTISM TELLS ME IT IS!" Animo raged, with the intensity of a thousand-and-one spurned Sonic the Hedgehog fans.

His mutant skunk turned and blew a load of ass vapors at the stalled Rustbucket. The occupants screamed.

"Damn it, Ben, how many times have we told you not to attempt rationality in the face of ignorant assholes who don't realize they're part of a merchandise based children's cartoon series!" Grandpa Max yelled while putting on the 'bucket's shields and bracing for stink impact.

"Gee, Grandpa, next I suppose you'll warn me not to point out how everyone's favorite fetish based OTPs couldn't possibly work in canon even though they assert such factuality is totally and irrevocably CANON!"

Animo's voice rose in an an even higher pitched shriek. "IT'S CANON BECAUSE I SAY IT IS!"

The stink cloud formed a wacky, cartoonish, mass possessing fist and slammed into the side of the Rustbucket.

"This is why we can't have anything nice," Gwen moaned agitatedly. She shut her eyes and covered them with her hands when the Rustbucket began to groan against the steadily cracking tree.

"This was funnier when it was completely random, with incoherent sex jokes and shit!" Ben yelled as the Rusty Bucket went careening down the hill after the tree broke and jarred them loose. "Also, I should be transforming into something right about now!"

Ben looked at the Omnitrix. It went into recharge mode for no fucking reason, other than to INCREASE SITUATIONAL DRAMA! DUN DUN DUUUN!

"Aw, what the fuck!" Ben screamed while the Rustbucket spiraled down a hill, bouncing off rocks and the like.

"Look at this way," Gwen yelled through bangs and bumps, "Now we don't have to bullshit around while the Negative 10 reminisce over all the plot gaps and inconsistencies of previous series' episodes!"

Grandpa Max flew out of the driver's seat and landed on top of Ben, nearly crushing him beneath his multitude of sexy man meat.

"While pretending like UAF had none, and that Omniverse is the worst thing to ever ruin the Ben franchise even though it got higher ratings and produced more episodes."

"Exactly!" Gwen flew on top of Grandpa Max after another jarringly vicious bump. "Ow! When are we going to come to a stop?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Gramps yelled. "Ben, get your ass in Hero mode and fucking do something!"

"I can't! It's not convenient to the plot yet!" Ben yelled back with his face smashed up against the window.

BACK AT THE PLACE WHERE THE NEW NEG 10 WERE STANDING AROUND LIKE COLLECTIVE IDIOTS

"I don't think they're coming back," brawny strongman Freak Thumbskull grunted through his dismal intelligence. "Should we looking for them or something?"

"I don't feel like walking." Acid Breath shook his head. He inhaled deeply. He farted once. Then he acted like no big deal. "Let somebody else go after them. I feel like getting a latte. Who's with me?"

"Well, I'm not doing it. I've got these tiny little legs," said that boring dork, Sublimino. "I can't walk, or run for shit."

"I might break a nail," said Charmcaster. "Which is totally what I am concerned about in canon. I am such a conceited, delicate flower."

"I'll go fuck 'em up. I think I have jet packs on this thing somewhere," Rojo growled. She began to swat at her alien tech outfit, trying to locate a button to initialize them.

"I knew I should have brought a bat to this fight," Dr. Dorkimo said in annoyance. "Hey, stalk-eyes!" He snapped his fingers. Clancy looked his way. "I order you to carry me to Tennyson, so that I might smite him verily and bathe in his spilled young blood."

"OK, but I'm gonna drool this nasty semen-looking shit all over you from my mouth," he said.

"Like I haven't experienced that before," Animo assured him, with a big fat creepy grin.

"What is that stuff anyway, Doc? Ya know, since you were supposedly the one who helped mutate me into this monstrosity and all."

"I have no fucking idea. It probably is bug jizz you spit from your mouth. That seems like something fucked up I would enjoy doing. Because I can. Fuck yeah, Lego Genetics!"

So Clancy took to the air after grabbing up the doctor in his freaky feet claws, or whatever their technical term for a bug foot claw thing is. And they flew off to do unspeakable eeeeeeeeeevil to Ben and co.

And Hex was like "HEY, WAIT FOR MEEEEEE." And he used his levitation magic to pursue the pair of fellow villainous weirdos.

OH MY GOSH, THIS STORY IS ALMOST BECOMING AN ACTUAL STORY. Sort of.

Stay tuned for the next installment to see if that continues on or gets jossed like a mofo in favor of something else random and nonsensical and shamelessly vulgar once again.