A/N: Anybody who has read the little update I put in my profile should know that I know that you know that I know I'm not exactly the best updater in the world. I won't explain it all here, so just read the thing on my profile for the basics. I can't just sit down at my laptop and suddenly start writing an amazing update for Face The Music or She Made Him Wait etc. I end up thinking and worrying about stuff too much.

So in order to get out of this weird update drought I always find myself in, I've decided to take some time away from the 'serious' stuff and write a short parody fic about a subject that needs some nursing, something that won't take a lot of effort to write and something I can use to 'get myself back in the writing mood', effectively.

Anybody who knows about the overhyped book series that became all the rage 2 years ago should see exactly what the title of this fic is meant to parody.

I did mention in that profile update that I'd only start uploading this once I had all of it completed, but I'd rather post something now to prove that I'm still alive. Once I have the other chapters finished, which shouldn't take too long, I'll go ahead and upload them periodically, possibly two or three days apart.

Obligatory Disclaimer: I claim no ownership over the Naruto franchise. The only thing I own is this laptop. I have no clothes. I don't even own electricity, so how I managed to type this out and upload it baffles even me.

5 Tastes of Sour

A Naruto Fan Fiction

Chapter 1 – They don't even…

Konohagakure at the peak of summer is like a barbeque.

When sat outside on a backyard recliner, sipping an iced bevvy while savouring the enticing wafts of juicy steak fillets grilling nearby, it is pure and undoubtable heaven.

Inside, however…

"I. Am. BOILING!" The deep and raspy voice of everyone's favourite jinchuuriki rattled down the dull cream-coloured corridor of somewhere he had not visited in years. Door upon identical door was dotted equidistantly along the path all the way down to the other end of the building where another intersecting corridor was barely noticeable.

"Oh look, he said 'boiling' again." Hovering just behind him on either flank were two of his acquaintances, "How many times is that now, Ino?"

Yamanaka Ino was one of the aforementioned acquaintances. While walking along, she was cradling a small notepad in her lithe palm, pen attentively ready in her opposite hand and constantly tallying the jinchuuriki's use of the single adjective for his overheated condition.

"That one makes it two hundred and seven."

"Since when?"

"Since we entered the building twenty seconds ago."

"Y-...what? That must be like…" He raised open hands to his face, lowering fingers as he went about trying to calculate. "…loads every second!"

Ten-point-three-five, to be precise.

He paused.

"D-…did you girls hear a voice just now?"

It is solemnly promised that they most definitely did not hear a running narration spoken in the reader's interpretation of their own speaking voice.

"There it was again! You guys are hearing this, ri-…" At that point the man turned around but was rapidly stunned to silence by the sight of both Ino and Haruno Sakura towering above him by an extra two feet. Suddenly he felt dwarfed, minutely scared and for some reason strangely aroused. The two women looked down at him flatly, apparently unbothered by their growth spurt. At that point the jinchuuriki looked down at their feet…

…only to find they were not touching the ground, cushioned by an invisible block of air also two feet high.

"Okay, the old man spiked my ramen with some kind of crap, I'm sure of it." Sakura spoke up upon realising the situation.

"Just think, would you? Go back fifteen seconds and just remember what that damned voice said." She folded her arms, a tiny blush adorning her cheeks as she came to feel like one of Kankuro's helpless puppets.

"So you did hear it!" He caught her out. "I'm on to you, Sakura." The pink-haired teen merely rolled her eyes impatiently.

And so he thought back.

'Boilingboilingboilingboilingboilingboilingboilingboilingboilingboiling…'

Not that far back, for goodness sake!

"Sorry! Er…yeah…just after that was…um…yep…"

'Hovering just behind him on either flank were…'

"Oh, ha ha," He sarcastically bellowed, "That was so FUN-NY! Now let them down, would you?"

But why was he so mad?

"OI!"

Alright, alright.

As if invisible tethers had been slashed asunder, both kunoichi lightly dropped back to solid ground, faces momentarily scowling up at the ceiling. Silly people, all they'll see is light fittings.

"You're pushing it now." Ino said, crossing her arms with an exaggerated huff through her nose.

The years following puberty had done wonders to the blonde's figure: a flawlessly bowed set of hips under a knee-length overskirt, a beautifully sculpted and trim stomach complemented the size of her pert, tasty brea-

"'Tasty'?" She screamed. "'Tasty'?! You perverted little bastard!" She quickly recoiled, bringing her arms across her chest and denying the curiosity of both of her companions, whom had turned to face her.

"Like you'd be able to tell how they taste! You're a voice, you don't even have a tangible form! And why do I keep hearing this in every scenario I find myself in? My figure described mid-conversation by some noisy apparition, it ruins the atmosphere!"

What Ino didn't realise, though, was that I was trying to say 'breath'. I admit that I wouldn't know of the taste, I was just starting to run out of sensual-sounding adjectives.

"Oh…"

Homophones are amazing, aren't they? Technically those two aren't homophones sans the 'b-r-e-a', but I'm counting it because it caught her off guard.

Ino blinked repeatedly, thinking back to the original statement.

"Wait…'pert'? How is someone's breath 'pert', exactly?"

…

"Can't answer me, can you?" She sneered.

The three characters started looking every which way as their ears caught wind of the sound of rustling paper, then a distant cough.

"'Pert, pəːt/, adjective, "(of a girl or young woman) attractively lively or cheeky."'

I think I am justified, someone can breathe with liveliness, can they not?

"Well, I guess so, but they'd sound really weird…"

But I lied earlier, I did intend on saying 'breasts'. I really love word play.

"Bugger off already!"

Then who will narrate? You? Or you, Bee?

"Bee? As in Killer Bee? He's not…here." Sakura promptly stopped herself upon looking at the jinchuuriki stood before her.

Indeed, there was no blonde haired, orange-obsessed teen in their presence; it was in fact the muscle-bound ebony master of enya rap himself.

"Ey! It's good we back at school, 'coz you've been made the fool!"

"What in the actual shit?" Sakura's head fell into her hands, clearly unable to comprehend the rapid tweaks in the reality around her. "Why isn't Naruto here?"

Think about it, since I started narrating, did I ever mention Naruto's name? No, I didn't. You assumed it was him based on the weak description at the beginning.

"…everyone's favourite jinchuuriki…"

Many people might favour Bee or Gaara…or Han…or Utakata…or Roshi over Naruto, you know.

And since then his description has been even more vague, 'the man', 'he', 'the jinchuuriki' and so on and so forth. And that Ichiraku reference? Who's to say that Bee can't enjoy a nice steaming ramen every once in a while?

"Don't give us that tripe! You put Naruto's name in the character tags, so get him in here right now!" Sakura shouted defiantly to the ceiling. "And stop running a commentary on me!"

Psh, spoiling all my fun…

"Your excuses are crap, 'cause to start I didn't even rap!"

Your dialogue isn't all rap, you know…

"That's one fat lie, creep in the sky."

Within a sharp gust of air, the Kumo jinchuuriki vanished, and moments later the eponymous character phased into existence, ushering a relieved sigh from both kunoichi. Their noise seemed to jolt Naruto's body as he started, turning to face the two of them.

"Sakura-chan? Ino?" His bright blue eyes were locked open in a thousand-yard stare, as if he'd seen…seen…um…

"Bushy Brows sensei and Lee in mankinis using the sunset genjutsu?" Naruto blurted one of his greatest fears to the air around him. Ino and Sakura visibly winced.

Yeah, that's a good analogy, thanks!

"You're welcome." Naruto's initial facial shock passed, but still he curiously examined their surroundings. "At least I'm back in the real world now. I just had the strangest dream. Firstly I was really mad at Sakura-chan for something and pretty much threw her out of my apartment."

Sakura blanched.

"Then I was in some weird dimension where chakra never existed, which is a completely ridiculous idea, and Haku and Zabuza were still alive! For some reason I played a musical instrument in a band, and you two were real bitches to me."

The corridor was enveloped in silence as the girls comprehended the insult.

"Say that again, please." Ino was the first to respond, the flat iciness of her tone reinforced by Sakura's popping knuckles.

Ah yes, the typical beat down. Naruto wasn't going to put up with this intimidation anymore, he was the protagonist! No matter the odds, he could live and fight through anything, become a great idol to influence future spin-offs and badly-written fan fictions. For once, he would stand up to his abusers!

"I said you two were being big fat bi-"

For the record, use of the word 'fat' around an Akimichi or hormonal women is grounds for an immediate revocation of physical safety rights. 'Bitches', they can tolerate the use of maybe once, but 'fat'? That's a no go.

It was five seconds later that Naruto found himself on the floor as a smear of red paste. All that remained were his flattened pieces of clothing as if the Rapture had snatched his body.

Well done, girls, you bloody killed him. How am I supposed to continue this parody now?

"Can we just rename the franchise 'Sakura'?" She asked with a small gleam in her eye and hands grasped together in blind hope.

Sorry, but Shikamaru already beat you to the punch on that joke.

"But he doesn't do anything!"

Except immobilise S-rank Akatsuki single handed, devise masterful tactics to problems deemed impossible by the common whelp, help care for his late sensei's child and tend to deer amongst other things. You know…admirable stuff that doesn't involve fratricide.

"Whatever." Sakura huffed and observed the Naruto remnants spread at their feet.

Okay, I'm on a deadline here, let's get this going.

"You girls are so sensitive, it's ridiculous!" A muffled voice called out. One of the doors beside the girls imploded, sending pieces of door frame and wall plaster scattering across the floor before they heard Naruto's scorn. "There I am conveying what happened in a dream, and the next thing I know I've been murdered!"

The possibility that Naruto had another dream while in semi-limbo was high.

"Um…" He blushed, "Yeah…something like that." With a nervous avoiding glance, he started to scratch the back of his head.

"And what was this one about?" Sakura folded her arms impatiently.

"Well", Naruto coughed, "Ino and I were in a training field…and you were watching us."

"That's not so bad, having a third party means you have someone who can give feedback on the fly." Ino chimed in, earning a nod of agreement from Sakura. Naruto, on the other hand, made only brief eye contact with Ino before looking away, cheeks as ripe as a tomato.

"Er, hehe, yeah…well, um…this 'training' was, well…a little more physical…"

Ino froze, putting his eye avoidance and subtle hints together and mirrored him in his flushed expression.

"Oh, for the love of…" Sakura face-palmed. "Can we just get on with this, please?"

"Yeah, I meant to say. Why are we in the academy? It's been years since we were here last."

Great, he doesn't even remember that he came here for a purpose.

20 Minutes Ago…

Uzumaki Naruto - yes, it was him to begin with – stood tentatively by the swing across from the entrance of the Konoha Shinobi Academy. Looking at the large clock installed above the carved village symbol, he knew it wouldn't be long before the beginning of the 'interesting' and 'informative' seminar he had seen advertised in various book shops dotted across the village.

The initial thought of it made him nervous and at the same time quite eager to attend in a henge to avoid the birthing of rumours, and were it not for the sentimental and commemorative reasons he would have certainly entertained the idea. However, he knew this was for someone he cherished very dearly, and to not stand up and admit it would be an insult to their memory.

Uzumaki Naruto, the jinchuuriki of Konohagakure, self-proclaimed future Hokage and all-round nice guy…was going to learn about erotica.

As much as he berated the late Jiraiya for his perverted…excuse me, 'super perverted' tendencies, it was a unique trait of the sannin's that continued to stick with him. Fully in the knowledge that the Icha Icha series could no longer continue, Naruto made the decision to take up the mantle for at least one book.

He would have brought reference material in the form of Jiraiya's previous volumes, but having read them already to get an idea Naruto's nose had turned every page of every book a lovely vibrant red, destroying the ink print and making them illegible.

'No wonder they sell so well. Every time a reader gets a nosebleed, they need to buy a replacement. What a deviously smart sales plan.'

He needed to think of something different before he once more looked like he'd been punched in the face. And so he observed the swing, the simple wooden panel tarnished by constant sun and splintering along the edges. It brought back some harsh memories, sitting astride that plank as the other kids got picked up by their parents after class. It hurt especially on graduation day, the one he initially failed, before Mizuki had approached him.

If anything, he had Mizuki to thank for the life he led until now…

And it was here that Naruto made an important discovery.

'You see that word there? 'Led'? It is the simple past tense and past participle of the verb 'to lead', as in 'to guide'. Why people constantly insist on using the word 'lead' - as in the metal - is baffling and has this writer dude continually losing faith in your lowly non-chakra humanity.'

Homophones. Absolutely amazing.

Led/Lead; They're/Their/There; Prey/Pray; Dough/Doe; Row/Roe; Bear/Bare; Tear/Tier; Heard/Herd; Route/Root…unless you're one of those colonials that pronounces it 'rowt'…

"Shut up already! We get it!" Naruto shouted to the sky.

B-but…muh homophones…

"'But' nothing, teme! Get on with it."

Two new figures rounded the corner of the outer wall across the yard from him and made their way to the entrance. Naruto recognised them immediately. And since they were all introduced at the beginning, I needn't bother describing them.

"Hey, Sakura-chan! Ino!" Naruto waved and broke into a light jog towards them.

Both young women looked toward the sound and upon seeing their new company, without breaking stride or any sudden jerky movements, performed a perfect arcing 180 and started walking back in the direction from which they had come.

"Hey, hey! Where're you going?" Naruto continued after them despite their pace increasing.

Suddenly, as if a Nara had them bound by their shadows, both girls froze on the spot.

"What the-?" Sakura ejected a struggled breath. "I can't move."

"Me neither." The statue-like Ino replied. "Is this some kind of new jutsu?"

This was something even more terrifying. This was 'plot'.

Control was restored back to their own bodies, and yet they felt a subconscious pull in their minds directing them back to the Academy entrance and their fellow graduate. Naruto caught up with ease, cheerfully smiling at his friends.

"What brings you two here?"

Neither girl looked him in the eye.

"We were…er…" Sakura looked around her for inspiration. Ino, coincidentally enough, was doing exactly the same.

"Just having a pick trip!"

"Coming to nostalgia flowers!"

By speaking at the same time, their answers became bastardised in Naruto's ears. He frowned at the pair, unimpressed at their lack of a cover story. Being a grand prankster, Naruto had taught himself the dying art of bullshitting in order to ease punishments when caught.

"Uh, huh." He said flatly. "So you're not here for the seminar going on soon?" His thumb came up and pointed back over his shoulder at the educational institute.

"Oh, that? Haha, oh, no, no." Sakura scoffed, aloofness written across her face. "It's not like Ino or I would be interested in perverted writing or anything." Ino's head snapped across upon hearing the trap, she said nothing but began to haphazardly wave her arms in a vain attempt to get Sakura to zip up.

"I mean, come on. Erotica? Pah, that's for complete losers."

Naruto's face remained flat as the metaphorical hole underneath Sakura did nothing but deepen.

"If you're not here for it then how do you know it's about erotica? And is it a coincidence that you're walking to the Academy only a few minutes before it's meant to start?"

Sakura stopped dead in her vocal tracks, composing herself as she thought about an answer. Her vivid green eyes looked upward, trying to pry some magical thought from thin air.

"Ass biscuits."

Whether that was an expletive of defeated admittance or her insulting him for being such a smarty pants, he didn't know. Either way, the two of them had been rumbled.

"I'm not surprised you're here, Naruto. Like master, like student; the Protégé Pervert." Ino finally spoke up.

"I'm doing it for a good cause, in memory of my shishou, thank you." Naruto responded in a no-nonsense tone. When it came to the late Jiraiya, the jinchuuriki was seldom pleased if mentions of him were made in mockery. "Icha Icha shouldn't die with him, I wanted to see if I would be worthy of continuing it but I have no idea on where to begin."

The girls sobered at his explanation, but they saw the logic despite the genre.

"Well", Sakura began, "Why don't you get inspiration by-"

"Reading the other Icha Ichas?" He cut her off, expecting that to be her solution. "Been there, done that, ran out of tissues-"

"We don't need to know that!" Ino shouted, cringing. Sakura, meanwhile, was trying her utmost to shove her fingers as deeply into her ears as possible.

"Tissues for my nose! Come on! What do you take me for?" He didn't feel the need to mention that two pairs of underwear also had to be incinerated in the destructive fires of his own shame.

Ino paused momentarily.

"Do you want a serious answer to that or…?"

"Oh, just forget it!" He turned and looked back at the clock by the entrance. "We'd better make our way in. You never know, it might be fun!" While he made for the building with enthused steps, Sakura and Ino hesitantly followed, an apprehensive look shared between them.

"So why are you two interested in doing this?" Naruto asked over his shoulder.

They remained silent for a few extra paces, trying to find the right words.

"Well", Ino started, "Being a Yamanaka I get to understand the mind a lot. Sometimes the fantasies it can conjure are surreal, absurd, and even therapeutic. Diving into someone's head sometimes gets their brain to shut down as a safety mechanism and sort of take the victim to their 'happy place'. I've seen some weird things."

"Wait, wait a sec." Naruto stopped and turned. "You get off on other peoples' wet dreams?" One eyebrow was raised in a mix of confusion and minor concern.

"No, idiot!" She verbally lashed. "As a matter of fact I've had to log these fantasies of theirs on interrogation reports in case it would help as future leverage. I used to get away with explaining the bare basics until…" She looked down at her painted toenails.

"Until?"

"…" She mumbled unintelligibly.

"The what now?" Naruto leaned in.

"Anko."

"Ah. Say no more."

"She's been reading these reports of mine and wants me to be more descriptive! In her words, she wants the 'down and dirty juiciness'. I don't know how to write like that, so I figured this would help." Ino hung her head, unsurprisingly embarrassed by her admission.

They both looked to Sakura.

"What, me? Do you really have to know?" Sakura pulled a stroppy face like a child denied ice cream.

"It's only fair, Sakura." Ino retorted. Sakura sighed in resignation; they'd only get off her case if she revealed it.

"Well, it's like Ino but more simple. I've had fantasies and…actual experiences. I wanted to write those moments themselves down to keep the memory alive. And I think just writing down how they happened would be dull, so I was hoping to learn how to be more…vivid."

"So…" Naruto tilted his head "A booty diary?" Sakura sighed in dejection.

"I guess you could call it that. But I wouldn't mind using them as inspiration for original stories."

"Daww, Sakura-chan." Naruto mewled, walking up to Sakura and unexpectedly hugging her, earning a very uncomfortable look from his teammate.

"Get…get off, Naruto!" She succeeded in pushing him away, but didn't like the look on his face.

"Well, that'd be a fun read. After all…" He leaned in once more, but didn't make an attempt to hold her. "…your 'actual experiences' were also my 'actual experiences', remember?" He chuckled at the implication, bringing Sakura's skin to a pretty shade of pale scarlet.

"IDIOT!" Standard Operating Procedure was resumed. Fist of Sakura meets Head of Naruto. Critical hit. Double XP.

"You mean you two…? I…I can't even bother to be shocked." Ino, upon hearing the revelation, simply gave up.

"It was a few months back. Nothing special, right, Naruto?" Sakura's fist had quickly reached down, grabbed Naruto by his collar and hauled him back up to eye level. The ferocity in her eyes combined with a Cheshire grin made sure there was no misunderstanding her message.

"Yeah, hehe, sure thing, Sakura-chan. Nothing special, no strings, nope, nothing like that. It's not like we talked about building it into a relationship, and I most definitely don't remember you telling me you'd consider making it a permanent arrangement if I did a good enough job."

"I will make a necklace out of your teeth." Sakura growled.

"Hey, that's a good idea! That way I'll be giving you a permanent love bite!" Naruto was swiftly flung to the floor.

"I…I give up, I really do. I mean…I thought I'd done enough to sate him and keep him at a distance, but he just…" Sakura continued walking towards the Academy entrance on her own, mumbling a self-argumentative monologue and leaving the two blonde folk behind her. Naruto, so very used to Sakura's outbursts by now, simply stood back up and dusted his vest off.

Ino looked at him for a brief moment, and then Naruto gazed back.

"Did…did you do a good job, then?" She asked, trying to remove the previous airborne tension. Naruto made a slanted grin, shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, I'm still alive, aren't I?" With a reserved smile and shake of her head, Ino followed Naruto in order to catch up with Sakura, who had moved on to animated hand movements as she continued to talk to herself.

Present Time…

The indoor heat was doing them no favours, especially for the male blond. Sweat was pouring down his forehead in lumpy rivulets, some wayward drops slipping over his brow and dripping on to his eyelashes. A very unwelcome distraction. He took a deep breath, but his lungs weren't sated. With one hand already occupied, he lowered the other down to his kunai holster at a snail's pace.

This was a do or die situation.

Finally, he saw it peaking over the edge of the flat surface, a mocking bearded face beside which was a brandished sword. The face matched one directly behind it.

It matched.

He lunged, fresh chakra flooding his muscles. He had to succeed this time! He had to!

"Snap!" Ino called, slamming her hand down on the table.

"Snap…piss!" Naruto's hand landed on top of hers, and with a violent motion threw his cards down, the feeble strips of card flittering chaotically around them.

Wait…why the hell were they playing cards?

"Because you just spent the last ten minutes detailing useless exposition, trying to somehow give a legitimate reason as to why the three of us turned up here on our own! Like anybody cares! And thanks for just throwing a starting pairing in there out of nowhere! I was enjoying my virginity until you gave it to stripe-face over there!" Sakura was clearly unimpressed by the events thus far. One could tell, for she was spewing exclamation marks.

"Got to admit we were getting pretty bored, you just up and left us, man." Naruto called out, ignoring his obligation as the loser to perform 52-card pickup.

Well, the exposition was necessary. It's how I roll.

"I'll roll you in a minute…down a hill into some cacti." Sakura whispered.

And yet Ino had said it earlier, this voice was transient and without form. There would be no rolling today…other than Sakura's eyes, it would seem.

"I told you to stop running a commentary on me."

So…was anyone actually going to bother attending this seminar? The speaker was still eagerly waiting for attendees.

With the single flick of a finger, the table was catapulted down the remaining length of the corridor. Naruto ended up flat on his back, taken by surprise at the sudden act of gratuitous violence against an inanimate object.

"Sakura-chan, please warn me the next time you plan on doing that." The jinchuuriki rolled upright, watching the staunch stride of his teammate as she walked past him.

"Since when does an attacker warn their target?" She smiled back at him cheekily.

"Well…all the damn time! Whenever somebody uses a jutsu they tell us what it is. You know, they just shout it out and give us time to think about evadi- GAH!" Naruto was floored once more as the frustrated pink-haired kunoichi flung the empty card packet at his brow.

"It was a rhetorical question!"

Ino remained calm throughout, observing the very strange mechanic between the two members of Team Kakashi. She was grateful to have more conservative teammates, but at the same time wished they had more assertiveness and drive.

With Sakura close in tow she found the door marked for the seminar. Or…at least the door she thought was for the seminar. Only the ads throughout the village gave mention to which room, whereas in the Academy itself there was no notice, no temporary markings, no nothing. The only sign of action was a light muffle of a voice permeating the wood.

A hesitant push from the female of the two blondes swung the door inward, revealing to them one of the many deserted classrooms that teachers would have always been very happy to witness.

'Deserted' wasn't the correct term, though, for at the teacher's desk with feet propped and crossed like an arrogant moron sat a young man holding a microphone up to his mouth.

Attentive blue eyes were skewed to the side, observing the scrawls of text of the story script sat in his free hand.

"Out of the corner of his eye he noticed the door's motion and his speech ground to a halt."

He looked to the confused triplet of faces observing him from across the room, partially wondering what they were thinking.

"Are you…talking about yourself in the third person?" Ino enquired, clearly baffled.

"Of course not, I'm using speech marks." He replied.

"You just did it again!" Ino shouted back.

"No, I didn't.

…

…He said."

"Enough of these trivial mind games! We need some action!" Completely out of character, Sakura lunged for the stranger, fist cocked back and ready to pound. The man remained seated, unfazed by the aggressive motion. He dropped the script into his lap and raised the hand with a single finger extended.

Contact was made, and Sakura's fist came to a dead halt upon touching his fingertip.

She pushed and pushed, grunting along the way, but still the blocking hand didn't give.

"You're still talking, asshole!"

"Duh, I memorised the script."

Sakura retracted her fist and snatched the block of paper from the man's crossed legs. She began to read the text after randomly flicking to an earlier page.

"By speaking at the same time, their answers became bastardised in Naruto's ears. He frowned at the pair, unimpressed at their lack of a cover story. Being a grand prankster, Naruto had taught himself the dying art of..."

She looked back up at him, knitted brow skewed in outright confusion. Looking back to the script, she skimmed further.

"'And read the inked words aloud as they were presented before her.'" She looked back up. "What the hell is this?" The stranger smiled.

"It's my little screenplay. What do you think? You've all been playing to it very well. 60 paragraphs from now, Ino's going to ask if I'm going to actually teach you anything." He snatched the script back, flicked to the appropriate page and turned it back around to show the medic. She read the line next to his pointing finger.

""So are you actually going to teach us anything?" The mind walker demanded before taking her seat."

"So you are the lecturer?" Sakura asked.

The man nodded with a curt smile.

"Moss, at your service. Please, come in and take a seat." He beckoned the two blondes, who had been watching the encounter with stares of both befuddlement and inquisitiveness, into the room. One of them, however, was not doing so well in contemplating the out-of-speech-marks dictation.

"PLEASE STOP RUNNING A COMMENTARY ON YOURSELF! MY BRAIN IS LEAKING!" Naruto cried out. The lecturer shook his head submissively.

"Alright, we need to alter the POV a bit."

Back in the land of 'normal' writing techniques…

The script sat closed and abandoned on the edge of the desk furthest from the four occupants of the classroom. Sakura was tapping her foot, Ino was observing the room in wait of something to happen, and Naruto was picking his teeth in search of a tiny fibre of chicken that got stuck between his molars.

"Happy now? No commentary. Only the readers will be able to comprehend it."

Naruto pulled his finger from his mouth.

"What readers?"

The man facepalmed.

Sakura took a moment to observe their tormentor. He appeared to be nothing amazing. Short blond-brown hair with a quiff fringe topped dulled and sunken aqua-blue eyes that brought attention to the protrusion of his eyebrows. Although his face was emotionless, he just looked naturally angry. He was taller than Naruto only by a couple of inches, and his frame was lean but telling of a non-shinobi profession.

His dress was typical for a civilian but would seem too casual for teaching purposes: slim cut jeans and a navy t-shirt with a buttoned V-neck. A sleek watch decorated his left wrist, and it turned out to be the only piece of metal on him.

"Regardless, hello people. My name is Self-Insert…I mean…'Moss'."

"'Moss'? Were your parents bad gardeners or something?" Ino quipped in a somewhat derogatory manner.

"No, but presenting my name as an acronym - 'M-O-S' – is ridiculous. Better to turn it into a similar sounding word." Sakura's face scrunched in scrutiny.

"You're weird."

Moss turned to address her.

"You only just figured that out? For the top kunoichi in your class, I'd have expected you to be more on-the-ball than that."

"You-!"

"Anyway!" He cut her off, "Welcome to this little lecture I have put together for you wannabe ero-writers of tomorrow." He spoke equally among the trio, distributing eye contact and maintaining a more informal and friendly approach. "I teach assuming you have no knowledge of this field, so you'll be able to learn things from the ground up."

"I have a bit of experience…" Ino timidly raised her arm.

"That's great!" Moss exclaimed, pointing at the blonde. "You should be able to help Bubble-gum Head and Sunny Delight here if they get stuck." He pointed at Sakura and Naruto respectively, both of whom were collecting chakra in eagerness of springing a surprise attack.

"What I'll be primarily focussing on today is the 5 general 'levels' of erotica writing. I've written out examples of each and together we'll examine the pros and cons, as well as let you get inspiration and decide on which method would be best for you. For instance, does Naruto want to write in a 'wham-bam thank you ma'am' style for his Icha Icha attempt?"

The jinchuuriki's face turned tomato-like.

"Or might Sakura wish to go for a more metaphor-laden poetic style to describe her sexcapades?" The medic's breath hitched at his straightforwardness.

"Oh, come on. You should have figured out by now that I knew all about your reasons." Moss had noticed the reaction and sought to ease the embarrassment. "Please get seated and we'll get stuck in."

"Um…excuse me…"

Everyone stopped and faced the origin of the new voice. The previously-closed door was opened a crack, but all that could be seen of the arrival was their fingers gripping the frame.

"Is…is this the writing seminar?" The voice was meek, reserved, and also female.

Moss remembered the script, obviously having written it. He already knew who this was.

"It is indeed, my dear." Moss spoke out cheerfully, walking to the door. Sex itself was semi-taboo in everyday chat, and so the same stigma was forwarded to openly talking about writing in the same sense. As a result, those hoping to teach had their work cut out in sweeping away the nervousness people exhibited upon admitting their desire to learn the field. It was Moss' job to make sure his students were as comfortable as any other time.

"Come in, come in. We were just getting started."

The three shinobi already in the room watched Moss' arm vanish behind the door before he pulled back and was found to be delicately taking the hand of the guest. He didn't outright yank her into the room, but his grasp was enough to encourage her forward.

Step after step revealed the figure to them. First was a pale lavender sleeve until reaching the shoulder, by which moment most of her body was revealed.

"Wow, I really don't know whether or not I was expecting this…" Sakura spoke out.

The new addition froze on the spot. Smooth dark blue hair flowed over her scalp, stopping in a flat fringe above her forehead, at her chest via bangs trailing past her cheeks, and flowing down behind her to her lower back. The contrast was stark against the paleness of her skin, light colour of her sweater and the matching tint in her eyes, which themselves had immediately upturned at hearing Sakura speak. She took a brief moment to observe her three academy classmates, only paying true attention to the male stood in the centre.

"N…Naruto…kun?" The knucklehead opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.

"Bugger", Moss swore. He'd managed to get her in the room with little trouble, but then she had to see him. He could see every millilitre of blood flow through the capillaries in her cheeks and wash under her skin like a microscopic tsunami. Soon enough her face was a doused flood plain of red.

"Nonononononononono…" Hinata scatted loudly, breaking Moss' grip and scarpering for the exit. She didn't want this! She was hoping there would be people she didn't have the misfortune of knowing. But Naruto, Ino and Sakura? That was worthy of a ticket aboard the Nopetrain to Fuckthatville.

They'd all think of her as…a LEWD!

"Ahbababababa!" Moss similarly stuttered in his attempt to chase after her and get her to calm down. Just as she crossed the threshold of the room, he had snatched at the cuff of her trailing arm. "It's okay! They're here to learn, too!"

"I can't do it!" Hinata yelled. "Naruto-kun must think I'm a horrible perverted person!"

"Of course he won't! He's here to learn because he's a pervert, too." Moss argued.

Meanwhile, inside the room, Naruto blanched. Both kunoichi beside him shared a giggle.

"I'm standing right here, damn it." He muttered.

"Those guys in there all want to learn new things just like you do because you all share something in common." Back through the doorway, Moss persisted in easing Hinata's worries.

Hinata sniffled, her emotions easily swayed by her own misunderstandings.

"R-really? What's that?" She timidly questioned.

"You're all colossal perverts!" Moss grinned. Hinata hid her face behind her other free hand, her discomfiture shooting sky high. Back in the room, everyone was preparing to kill the lecturer. How dare he call them all perverts?

Ino resented the claim. She was doing this for the sake of her work. It wasn't like she had four boxes of tissues shoved into her desk at work, two of which that could easily be completely used up upon writing the summary of only one of their prisoner's fantasies. She daren't imagine how many boxes she could use up if she described the scenarios in even more clarity.

Sakura was outraged! She couldn't be deemed perverted simply for wishing to retain the uplifting memories of her desires, as well as her very physical experiences of pleasure. She definitely didn't enjoy the moment two weeks ago when she wrote about that time in the hospital with Naruto…where he did that thing with his tongue. And she most certainly did not discover a voracious wet itch between her legs as she detailed how he had her bent over her kitchen table, skirt crumpled around her waist, breasts squeezed under magical fingers and torn nylon shorts shamelessly exhibiting her already sperm-stained flower in a lustful invitation to continue violating her.

It took her two hours to get the marks out of her sofa after that…

She lied earlier. It wasn't 'nothing special'.

And now that she'd thought back to what simply writing about it had made her feel, that bloody itch had already reappeared. She squirmed on the spot, feigning it as her being uncomfortable at being branded a pervert.

Oh, the irony.

As for Naruto, he just laughed and came to realise that admitting it was easier.

"Hell yeah", was all he had to say.

Just hearing Naruto's confession in earshot was enough for the timid Hyuuga. Her resistance to Moss' grip waned and she allowed him to lead her back into the room. She looked up to find Naruto smiling at her, which immediately irrigated her previous worries. Anything about her that didn't bother Naruto was good enough for her to keep. Sakura was nervously glancing down at her feet, and Ino had taken up the pink-haired girl's mantle of impatience as she stormed over to the front bench.

"So are you actually going to teach us anything?" The mind walker demanded before taking her seat.

Without warning Moss marched to the desk, grabbed the script and threw it none too lightly at the semi-dazed Sakura. Pages flapped apart mid-flight like the wings of a startled bird before the book splattered on her face akin to a custard pie in a comedy skit.

"Ha! See? I told you she was going to say that!"

The book slid down her frowning visage, an errant twitch in her brow expressing the sheer hate she had for the stranger.

"But I digress", Moss carried on, ignoring the very blatant stare of unbridled harm wished upon him by the medic, "Go ahead, have a seat and we'll get started." He motioned towards the seated Ino.

They did as suggested, trundling over to the Yamanaka and uniformly placing themselves in front of Moss. The lecturer took a moment to observe them. Not as many as he'd hoped, but four was certainly better than none. Only then was his attention drawn to the bald surface of the bench.

"Don't you have anything to write on? You'll need to take note of things."

Three of the shinobi looked at each other blamelessly while Ino had produced her notepad. Although small, it would suffice. Moss liked this one; she appeared to be the most dedicated to bettering her understanding of the hidden art. He sighed resignedly before making for the desk behind him. Producing a large wad of paper from one of the drawers, he briefly locked eyes with Sakura only to smile at her in wilful ignorance of her desires to maim him. Her frown deepened, if anything; she was legitimately trying to scare him. Upon reaching his temporary students, he placed the paper in front of the empty space next to Hinata.

Said Hyuuga's sight was directed downwards as they shared the dried pulp between them. She was sitting next to Naruto-kun! She'd gotten this far, now was no time to start fainting like the old days. She jumped when a loud snap engulfed the room and echoed around them. Everyone looked to the front, finding Moss with his hands embracing one another post-clap.

"Without further ado…" The hands rubbed together, and the shinobi went wide-eyed as they saw the blissfully devious grin adorning their teacher's face. They all leaned back in unison, trying to avoid the bared teeth from which spouted a spine-chilling cackle promising unforgettable embarrassments.

"…Let the smut begin!"

A/N: Just remember that this is all a parody, and while some of the things my self-insert will say are certainly useful tips, you would be an overly-sensitive fool to take anything written in this parody seriously.

But in all seriousness...HOW do people keep fucking up 'led' and 'lead'? This is Basic English 101, for crying out loud...

For those curious about the 'dreams' that Naruto was describing, they're references to some of my other works: The one where he's mad at Sakura and throws her out of his apartment is Shattered Masks and Broken Hearts. When he and Ino are doing 'physical training' is She Made Him Wait (Chapter 2), and the one where he's in the band is obviously Face The Music.

Thanks for reading! Same as usual, folks. Like it? Follow it. Love it? Favourite it. Got anything to say in the forms of praise, criticism or death threats and wise-ass comments? Review it.

But remember: I no longer approve anonymous reviews, be they positive or negative. If you have a problem with what I write or me in person, then you say it to me using an account I can respond to.

So until I finish off the remaining chapters for 5ToS, it's 'See You Later, Folks!'