Chapter 1

Lily sat at the desk, flicking through the textbook. She felt like banging her head against the table. She knew she'd done the right thing about Severus, but it was still really hard. She couldn't be friends with someone who called her a mudblood, and idolised people like Mulciber. But Sev had been her best friend for years...

"A sickle for your thoughts?"

Lily looked up to see Remus Lupin sitting down opposite her. She sighed and shook her head.

"Ok then, I'll guess. You're feeling guilty about saying what you did to Snape, and wondering if you should forgive him." he saw the look of surprise and recognition on her face and rolled his eyes. "Lils, it doesn't take a genius to work it out." he closed her book and started to put them away. "Come on. Let's take a walk."

She put her transfiguration notes back in her bag and stood up to help Remus put her books away. Before long the two of them were walking down a corridor, deserted because of the nice weather and exams. Remus sat down on a bench and Lily took a seat next to him. She stared at her knees, sitting in silence. She'd never been good at talking about her own feelings. She was better at other peoples'.

"You're so brave." Remus said quietly.

Lily looked at him in surprise. That wasn't what she'd been expecting. "How? How am I brave?" she sighed. "Right now, I just feel foolish.""How are you not? You just stopped talking to your best friend because you stuck up for your principles and you're proud of who you are. I wish I was like you."
Lily shook her head. "No, you don't. I just lost the best friend I ever had, my sister hates me –"

"Hates you? How could anyone ever hate you? You're clever, funny, pretty, nice –"

"I'm a freak!" she burst out, then clamped her mouth shut, looking up to the ceiling. She couldn't cry in front of Remus. It'd get back to James, and she couldn't handle him laughing at her, or worse, pitying her.

Remus shook his head angrily, clenching his fist. "Who the hell told you that?" he demanded furiously. Lily was silent. "If it was James, I'll –"

"No!" Lily said, shocked out of her silence. "No, James may be an insensitive prick sometimes, but he's never called me a freak." she sighed sadly, then looked up to see remus watching her expectantly. She sighed again. "It's true though. I am a freak. I'm a freak at home, and I'm a freak here. I don't belong anywhere." she wiped the traces of tears from her eyes.

"Lily, you're the best in every class. Of course you belong here."

Remus watched in shock as Lily dissolved into tears. She was mumbling something, but he could only catch occasional words like 'mudblood', 'Severus' and 'freak'. He pulled her in for a hug, stroking her long hair. If he ever found out who'd called her a freak, they'd regret it.

"Lils, you are one of the kindest, cleverest, prettiest, bravest girls in our year. In all of Hogwarts. You know who you are, you have no reason to be ashamed of that, and most of the time you're not. Whatever idiot has been calling you a freak obviously doesn't know you." He paused. "And if they can't see how amazing you are, they don't deserve you."

He heard her catch her breath. "But... she's my sister." Lily said in a small voice.

Remus groaned inwardly. He'd been half hoping it had been Snape who'd called her that as it would help her cope with him not being her friend any more. But if her family was disowning her because she was a witch... Well, he could understand why someone calling her a mudblood, particularly someone close to her, would make her react like this. He'd never hated Snape the way James and Sirius did, but seeing Lily like this could change that.

"And she's right. I am a freak. I don't belong with the muggles and I don't belong here."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Merlin's beard, Lily, you're a genius. Forget what other people think of you. What's important is what you think of yourself."

"I'm not brave, Remus. I'm not brave enough to ignore what people say about me."
"You're braver than me." he said quietly.

Lily just shook her head. She didn't deserve to be in Gryffindor. Didn't deserve to be at Hogwarts. And as for Remus saying she was brave, it was total rubbish. Walking away from Severus hadn't been brave. She could have tried to reason with him, make him see that calling people mudblood was wrong. But she'd just run away.

"Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to admit that you've lost someone."

Lily cursed. "Was I saying that out loud?" she saw Remus nod, and swore again.

"Seriously though, admitting to yourself that there are things you can't change, and living with that, if very brave."

A group of sixth years walked past, talking loudly about the results of the last Quidditch match, and what it meant for the house cup. Lily grimaced. Yet another way she didn't fit in. While she could just about cope with flying a broomstick, she was nowhere near good enough for the house team... Unlike James, who could have played any position he wanted with ease. She shook her head slightly to clear away any thoughts of James. All they did was remind her of earlier, out by the lake...

"Come on Lils, cheer up. While it may feel like the end of the world, it isn't."
Lily smiled weakly, then shook her head again. "I just can't believe I've lost him." she said desperately. "I don't know how to not be friends with him"
"You aren't allowed to let him off on this." he said sternly. "I forbid you. You can forgive him, but don't forget how much he hurt and insulted you. He doesn't deserve you, and you don't have to be friends with some idiot who thinks he's better than you."

He hugged her again, not knowing what else to say. There was obviously some serious stuff going on in Lily's life that she'd find difficult to put behind her. While being a werewolf depressed him sometimes, at least he had good friends who didn't care about it, and a family who supported him. He couldn't imagine coping like Lily did – with her family not supporting her and the best friend she'd ever had acting like a prejudiced bigot. But he couldn't explain how she was so much braver than him without admitting to his 'furry little problem'. He sighed. Would it help Lily to know she wasn't the only one struggling? Or would it stress her out even more? Or worse, would she tell everyone?

"What if he is better than me? What if it's true -?"

"Don't let him make you think that!" Remus interrupted loudly. "It's not your fault you're different to him. Different. He's the one who can't deal with the fact that you're amazing. Look at you, top of the class in everything, and you're in Gryffindor –"

"But I shouldn't be! I'm not –"

"Brave? Lily, you have no idea." he looked around reflexively, checking there was no one around. "I can prove you're braver than I am for a start."

"If you're just going to say that James and Sirius protect you, that's rubbish."

He shook his head. "Lily... Oh, bloody hell, how do I say this... I'm" he paused. "I'm a –" he swallowed. "Lily, you know how James is always referring to my 'furry little problem'?"

She frowned, then nodded.

"Well, it's not some badly behaved rabbit, like people seem to think. I'm a w –" he swore. "Come on Moony, just spit it out..." he looked around again. "Ok. I'm a werewolf."

Lily was shocked. "That was...unexpected. But I'm confused. How the hell does this make me braver than you? If you've been living with this all by yourself for five years..."
"Longer than that. But I've had people supporting me. And no one knew, well, hardly anyone. Lily, you've had people calling you names for just as long, for something you can't control either. I've had James, Sirius, Peter and my family helping me cope. You've spent at least the past year knowing your best friend thought of you as inferior, and the past five years with your sister calling you names too." he sighed. "I don't know how you do it."

"But Remus, you've been keeping this secret all this time. Knowing that if it got out –"

"Yes, it's a risk. But here's the thing – if it got out, I'd leave. I couldn't live with everyone staring or calling me names. But you cope with that every day. And even now, you weren't packing your bags. You were doing extra work. If that's not bravery, I don't know what is."

"I suppose..." Lily said reluctantly. She paused, a small smile gradually appearing on her face. "Moony?"

Remus shook his head, rolling his eyes. "Yup. We're all so imaginative..."

"Hang on. Padfoot? Wormtail? Prongs? Where the hell do they come from?"

"Oh no. That's not my secret to tell." he chuckled. "You'll have to ask them."

Lily grinned. "Peter'll tell me if I offer to help him revise for tomorrow. You know he will." she sighed. "Is it bad that this is cheering me up? I mean, just having it to think about." then she gasped. "I don't mean you being a werewolf, though obviously that's nothing to be ashamed of, I just meant, you know, the name thing..." she trailed off.

He smiled sadly. "I know what you meant, don't worry. And unfortunately I think you're probably right about Peter. For one thing, you wanting to know will make him feel important. For another, well, it's been hard enough keeping him quiet. He isn't the best at keeping his mouth shut."

Lily grinned again. She'd always wondered about the weird nicknames they had, but had never been able to get up the courage to ask. Not even while doing prefect duties with Remus this year. Moony made a lot of sense with him being a werewolf. She couldn't believe he'd managed to keep it secret this long, and no wonder he'd skipped class the day they were learning to recognise werewolves...

"You must have loved that question in the exam." she said quietly.

Remus looked at her, confused by the random change of subject.

"Five signs that identify the werewolf?" she said, trying not to laugh. "Do you think you got them all?"
He rolled his eyes. "That's exactly what James said. You two..."

Lily glared and elbowed him in the ribs.

"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, putting his hands up, "it's just the fact that you both asked the same question, in a very similar tone of voice." he hid a smile as Lily kept scowling at him. "Don't worry, Lils. I'm not here to bug you into getting together with James."

It was true, he thought. He wasn't there for that. He was there because he and James had both noticed that Lily was distinctly not ok after what happened by the lake, and James had known that if he followed her she'd just tell him to shove off. As much as it had killed James to admit it, they'd both known Remus would stand a better chance of actually managing to talk to her about it.

"He was worried about you, you know."

"Remus..."

He ignored her warning tone. "He asked me to check you were ok. Knew you wouldn't talk to him about it." he shut up, then took a deep breath before continuing. "Sorry, I just... You should know that it isn't all a front. He does actually care about you." he looked nervously at Lily. "Sorry, I'll shut up."

Lily didn't say anything. She couldn't deal with that, not with everything else going on. James was just too... complicated. While it was nice to know he gave a shit, she couldn't cope with a relationship with anyone. Let alone James... She looked at Remus, who seemed to be about to start banging his head on the wall in frustration at having said anything.

"Don't beat yourself up," she said, putting a hand on his shoulder, "I'm glad you told me. I just... With James, I never know if I want to hug him or slap him! It's not that I particularly object to him, as a person. But I have enough going on right now without James making it even more complicated and difficult."

"Why do you two do that?"

Lily frowned. "Do what?"

"Ok. So if I'm talking to him about you, he calls you Lily. If I'm talking to you about him, you call him James. But as soon as you two are together, it's 'Potter' and 'Evans'."

"You talk to him about me?" Lily squeaked, half angry, half nervous. Then she shook her head. "Sorry. Ignore that."

But Remus was already laughing. "It's just a matter of time, Lils..."

She folded her arms. "It's more a matter of him becoming less of a cocky bastard, so that I want to kiss him more than I want to murder him. Well, not murder him. But turn him into something that can't talk and annoy me." Lily looked at Remus, seeing that he seemed to be attempting not to start laughing again. "What?" she elbowed him again. "What, Moony?"

Remus couldn't speak. If Lily knew how close she was to guessing why he was called Prongs... He gritted his teeth in an attempt to stop laughing and get a grip. He couldn't wait until Lily found out. Her response was going to be hilarious. As long as she didn't report them.

"What is so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing. Sorry Lily." he fished around for a change of subject. "You going to the end of exams party tomorrow night?"

"Just Gryffindors, right?"

Remus sighed. "Yeah. Don't worry."

Lily bit her lip. "And you promise James won't try to snog me owing to being drunk on Butterbeer and Firewhiskey?"

"Well, no..." he said hesitantly. "But I do promise I'll distract him if you want me to."
"Thanks, Remus."

"Hey, us prefects gotta stick together."

They both stood up as Professor McGonagall appeared in the corridor. She smiled at them and walked over. "So, Evans, Lupin, how have the exams been so far?"

Lily smiled. "Alright I think. There were a few dates I wasn't sure about in History of Magic, but apart from that they've all gone well."

"And you, Lupin?"

"Similar issue. I messed up Ancient Runes slightly, but I hadn't been well the night before."

McGonagall gave him a shrewd look. She glanced at Lily, who immediately became engrossed in looking for something in her bag.

"It's fine, Professor. I'm just glad you could reschedule Astronomy for me, so it avoided my 'illness'. Thank you."

Lily stood up again, to see the teacher looking sympathetically at Remus. She smiled. "Don't worry. I'm fairly sure you'll still have got O's and E's in everything.2
"As will you, Lily."
McGonagall showed a rare smile. "I very much hope you both get the results you're hoping for. You're bright students. I'll see you in the Transfiguration exam tomorrow." she walked off, heading for the staff room.

They watched as she left, then Lily looked at Remus. "Did they really change the Astronomy exam for you? I thought it was weird that they did that when there wasn't a cloud in the sky..."

"It isn't the clouds you need to watch out for." he said, winking at her.

Lily laughed. "That's right, Moony."

"It's so weird, you knowing..." Remus mused. "James and Sirius worked it out, so of course they told Peter what they thought before asking me. My parents wrote to Dumbledore, so he already knew. He told McGonagall, her being our head of house an' all. So I've never really...told anyone."

"Are you ok with it though?" she asked in a concerned voice. "I just mean, if you ever want to talk about it... I know you've got the guys," she said seriously, "but if you ever want to just talk."

"Thanks, Lils." he smiled. "It means a lot."

Lily couldn't help but smile back. Remus had done a really good job of cheering her up. He'd managed to make her forget for a while that she no longer had a best friend, inside Hogwarts or out. And that she had an exam tomorrow, and should be revising. Transfiguration was important, although she preferred Charms. She picked up her bag, and the two of them started walking, heading out towards the greenhouses, chatting about what might come up in the two halves of the exam the next day.

"Switching spells, definitely." a voice said.

Lily looked up to see James, Sirius and Peter emerging from behind Greenhouse Two. She stopped walking and folded her arms. She might not be friends with Sev any more, but that didn't mean she approved of the way they picked on him. James smiled ruefully at her.

"Hey Evans." he tried.

Lily didn't say anything. It was much more fun seeing him try to work out how mad she was. It definitely hadn't been the best day, but teasing James was continuing to improve it.

"Do us all a favour, Prongs." Sirius said casually. "Give up."

James tried to elbow Sirius in the ribs, but he dodged out of the way, laughing. Remus shook his head patronisingly, and Peter grinned. Lily bit her cheek rather than allow herself to smile, and attempted to continue glaring at James. He took a step towards her.

"I just..." he turned from her, to Sirius, to Remus. "Look, could you guys just give us a sec?"
Sirius snorted, and walked off, followed by Peter. Remus looked at Lily questioningly. She nodded, and shifted position to lean on one leg. Remus followed after the others, leaving Lily staring at James coldly. He flinched, and looked at the ground.

"I'm sorry." he told her regretfully. "I really am sorry about, well, before. I shouldn't have taunted him. If I hadn't, he might not have said... He might not have called you what he did."

Lily clenched her fists, then released them. "It wasn't your fault. I mean, you didn't help. But you can't blame it all on yourself." she gave him a small smile.

"So... Apology accepted?"

Lily nodded, and started walking to find the others. "Come on, Potter." she said teasingly.