Chapter 18 - Chicks vs. Dicks

"Name the manliest thing you've ever done."

Dean grinned from his place between Draco and Harry, facing the three girls. He wasn't sure how, but movie night had turned into some bizarre game of 'Chicks vs Dicks', with challenges being issued and winners taking shots.

"That's gotta be the lamest goddamn one ever," Ginny scoffed, and Harry laughed. Hermione appeared to be thinking furiously.

"Well, we already know Luna's - she had a beard, right?" Dean prompted. Harry scoffed as Luna smiled.

"I had a dick once too, Dean," she offered breezily, causing Draco to burst out laughing as he pounded a choking Dean on the back.

"How long was it for again, Luna love?" Harry hummed. "A month?"

"Six weeks," Luna replied happily. "I was curious to see what it was like."

"I don't think I can top that, but I once beat a whole bar at arm-wrestling," Ginny offered with a smirk. "They were truly pathetic."

"I may have, at some point, challenged a biker gang to an eating contest and won," Hermione hid behind her beer at Harry's laughter. Dean gaped at his petite and sinfully pretty friends in awe - and a touch of pride.

"As awesome as you all are, I think Luna I-Had-A-Dick-For-Over-A-Month Lovegood wins," Draco drawled, to unanimous cheers. Luna did a little curtsy before downing a shot. The boys then sat back as the ladies conferred.

"Seeing as we've proven our manliness; the most feminine thing you've done," Ginny announced.

"And your cross-dressing doesn't count, Harriet," Hermione smirked. Harry gave her a half-hearted two-finger salute, but laughed all the same.

"Dean, you first," Luna ordered, causing Dean to flush slightly, clearing his throat with an awkward cough.

"Well, when I was nineteen a girlfriend of mine made me wear her panties every day for like a week... and I kinda enjoyed it. That girly enough?"

Hermione exchanged glances with the others and announced it to be 'sufficient', and Harry cuffed a guffawing Draco on the back of the head. Draco glared at Harry, who raised an eyebrow in return.

"You can't talk, Princess," he leered, laughing at Draco's affronted look.

"The girliest thing I've done is create and endorse a female perfume line - which is still manlier than Prince Panties over there," Draco huffed. Dean snorted.

"You endorsed ladies' 'Eww Doo Toilet'? Like, in ads and shit?" he snickered, enjoying Draco's huff.

"Yes I did, and it's quite successful, thank you very much."

"All right, all right gentlemen. Rulers down, dicks away, thank you," Ginny sighed, hands up placatingly. Harry just about fell over giggling before Dean caught him with a grin.

"Ok, Harriet, what's your claim to female fame, hm?"

"You mean besides convincing a whole damn country I'm biologically a woman?" Harry smirked at Dean's expression.

"Well, there was that time I won those beauty pageants," Harry pursed his lips in thought. "My bank said it'd be a good idea to do feminine community type stuff -"

"Wait, bank?" Dean interrupted.

"Well yeah, they helped me set up shop here in the US," Harry grinned. "Anyway, they said it'd be a good idea - something to put on a resumé - so I did. Over a year I joined six pageants - three natural beauty, and then three glitz - won five of them and came runner up in the other, then left the pageant parade with half a dozen sworn nemeses and about three dozen numbers. Not bad, eh?"

Dean was still gaping, but the others had all given up on staying upright and were spread-eagled on the ground roaring with laughter. Dean snorted, before he too lost it completely.

"Harry... H-Harry wins!" Ginny gasped out, still giggling helplessly. Harry smirked and toasted his helpless friends before slamming his shot with relish.

"Who's next?" Harry called out over the mess of laughter and trash talk, daintily wiping the corner of his mouth. Dean groaned a little and shifted closer to lick it clean. Harry grinned and kissed his boyfriend, relishing in the teasing from Draco and kissing noises from Ginny.

"Pack it in you two," Hermione shouted, face flushed with laughter and whiskey. "Ever since you swore everlasting booty call rights you've been way too gross!"

"Says the bird with her hand down her girlfriend's pants nine times out of ten," Harry snarked back on behalf of Dean, who was flipping Hermione off as he kissed down Harry's neck.

Any retaliation was interrupted by a phone ringing abruptly.

The silence was as sudden as it was absolute. Dean sat bolt upright, glancing from face to face, trying to figure out who's phone it was ringing. Luna and Ginny looked confused, but Hermione and Harry looked far too sober and serious. Draco shot to his feet and near sprinted from the room. Dean looked to Hermione for answers.

"That's the hunter ringtone," Hermione answered softly. "If we're getting a call from that phone this late at night, it's not gonna be good."

Draco reappeared before Dean could ask more questions, phone in hand and extended. He pressed a button and the phone cut off, crackling slightly on speaker.

"You've reached the Miss P Hotline, how may we help you?" Draco asked, his voice calm, for all that he looked ready to fall over.

Harry clapped his hand over Dean's mouth before he could make a sound. Dean stared at them all, eyes wide in disbelief. Harry quickly kissed his forehead and made a soft shushing sound, trying to hear the voice on the other end of the line.

"Listen up idjits," Bobby's voice came rumbling through the speakers, short and gruff as ever. "We ain't got much time so I'm gonna make this short and snappy. Old friend of mine, name o' Dennis Taylor, he's got himself in a heap of shit, and you're the only folks't can get to him before he gets dead."

"We're on it, Bobby, just give me the details and Miss P will be on the job within five minutes," Draco promised, glancing to Hermione. She rolled gracefully to her feet and disappeared into the kitchen in a silent stride that had Dean gaping all over again.

No one should be that smooth after that much booze. No one.

"I got the feelin' this is gonna take more than just Miss P, if you catch my drift," Bobby's voice was wry, and Draco couldn't keep in an equally wry laugh.

"Figured you'd catch on right quick, Bobby old bean," he smiled.

"Yeah, well, for all your unicorns'n magical bullshit, I still got more experience," Bobby chuckled. "Now, you're gonna wanna get your asses in gear and get yourselves down to Ebro, Florida. Ol' Dennis seems to have landed neck deep in a blood feud between two vampire clans, each about a dozen strong."

"Fuck," Draco replied succinctly.

"My thoughts exactly," Bobby grunted. "Now I won't waste no more of your time, just... Get Dennis out of there alive if y'can."

"He'll be knocking on your door within a day, Miss P guarantee." Draco swore, "We'll catch up soon, Bobby."

"Make sure none of you idjits get yourselves dead either," Bobby spoke slowly, as if reluctant to even voice the possibility.

"Now, Bobby, when have we ever made you worry about something like that?" Draco teased, grin creeping onto his face.

Bobby grumbled wordlessly before the line went dead.

Dean abruptly realised that Harry no longer had his hand over his mouth, and promptly asked as many questions as he could before someone thought to silence him again.

"What was that? You guys hunt? What did he mean more than Miss P? For that matter, who IS Miss P?"

Harry, Ginny, Luna, and the recently returned Hermione all raised their hands sheepishly. Dean turned to Draco with a look of confused betrayal. Draco raised both of his hands in surrender.

"I'm not Miss P, I'm just the info bitch!" he yelped. Harry snorted, poking Dean's side until his boyfriend turned to face him.

"Miss P is a moniker all of us - except Draco - use when we take the odd hunting job. It helps us stay anonymous and increases potential business with four times the success stories," Harry explained patiently, absently catching two vials as Hermione ditched them at his head. He downed one and passed the other to Dean, who to his credit obediently drank the liquid down in one.

"What the fuck was that?!" he yelped, gagging slightly as his mind ground into focus in a way that was nauseating and disconcerting all in one.

"Sobering Solution," Hermione called over, arms elbow deep in a satchel that looked far too small for such a thing to be possible. "We all need to be on our game if we're going to be playing with vampires."

"Why does it taste like licking a used leather thong?" Dean complained loudly, allowing a laughing Harry to pull him to his feet.

"Got the experience to be making that comparison there, Mister Pretty?" Ginny smirked at him from the other side of the room, which suddenly looked less like an entertainment system and more like a small armoury. Dean ignored her in favour of admiring the various blades and guns on display.

"Holy shit," Dean breathed, creeping closer in awe. "This is-"

"I know, right?" Ginny grinned over her shoulder as she hoisted a double-handed axe from the wall, twirling it expertly before checking the sharpness of the blade. Dean whistled lowly, only to yelp when a bony elbow connected with his ribs.

"That kind of googly-eyed boner face is only meant to be aimed at me, Mister," Harry teased, kissing Dean's nose lightly on his way over to Draco, who was pulling several backpacks from a dresser in the hallway. Dean followed, rubbing his side with a wounded expression.

Following Harry into the kitchen, Draco tossed packs to everyone, including Dean who fumbled a moment before clutching it to his chest. Wandering after Draco, Dean found himself forced to stand as close to the wall as possible and simply watch as the Quirky Name Club whirled about in eerily perfect motion. Harry ducked down to tie his shoelace just as Ginny threw a machete underhanded over his head to Luna, who caught it absently as she double checked her pack.

"Here, let me make sure you have everything," a voice came from Dean's left, and he jumped. Hermione rolled her eyes and snatched his bag, opening it and eyeing its contents critically. Dean peered into the backpack, eyes widening at the sheer number of knives, garrotes, and vials of weirdly glowing liquids there were inside.

"Undetectable Extension Charm," Hermione muttered in response to Dean's expression. "Something of a specialty of mine."

"Alrighty, folks, it's go time!" Harry called out over the neatly choreographed chaos. Dean looked up to find the others had all practically snapped to attention the second Harry spoke. Draco, Luna and Ginny were all kitted up with packs and sharp-looking weapons, while Hermione was twirling a pair of butterfly knives in a way that made Dean feel nervous. Harry stood in the doorway, hair pulled into a bun and a serious expression Dean had never seen before adorning his face.

Holy mother of God was it hot.

"I've just made a portkey using coordinates, so the landing's going to be rougher than usual," Harry was saying. "Make sure all sharp-and-pointies are aimed away from eyeballs and other delicates, and make sure your packs are fully stocked. Portkey goes in two minutes."

"Oi, Pretty boy!"

Dean tore his eyes from Harry to see Ginny glaring at him impatiently.

"Hurry up and pick a weapon!" she snapped, jerking her head towards the entertainment-system-turned-armoury. Dean cursed and sprinted over to the wall, eyeing it quickly before grabbing a dully glinting machete and a one-handed axe.

"Good choice," Draco commented as Dean skidded back into the kitchen. "Now, put on your pack and hold onto your butt, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

Dean shrugged on the backpack and shuffled quickly to stand next to Harry. Harry shot him a quick smile as Hermione checked her watch.

"One minute!" She announced.

"Grab on," Harry told Dean, holding up the bowl they had been using for popcorn. Luna and Ginny had already hooked their fingers over the rim of the bowl, while Draco was holding the side opposite Harry. Dean quickly wrapped his hand halfway over Harry's and gripped the bowl tight.

"Why are we holding the popcorn bucket?" he asked, not really expecting an answer.

"Portkey; instantaneous travel, but not very comfortable," Harry whispered back. "Try and lean into it and bend your knees before we land, trust me."

"Twenty seconds!" Hermione announced, grabbing the bowl herself.

Dean looked around at his friends - they all looked so serious. He wasn't sure he liked it.

"Hey," Dean heard himself say. "Chicks vs Dicks?"

Harry snorted, but Ginny looked downright gleeful.

"Team to gank the most vamps wins the night?" Luna suggested.

"You're on!" Draco sneered.

"You're all children!" Hermione rolled her eyes, before glancing one last time at her watch. "One seco-"

Dean suddenly felt like a giant meat-hook snagged him right in the gut, before he was yanked forward into nothingness.

AN -

Behold, another chapter!

I have spent so long trying to finish this damn chapter, so in the end I gave up and have now split it into two chapters. Next update should have the actual fight, before we finally get into some nitty gritty and the beginning of the actual SPN canon timeline.

Apologies once again for my appalling update etiquette. Unfortunately writing has to be my bottom priority at the moment, but I promise I have not forgotten my babies!

Thanks once again, wonderful beautiful readers!

Z

EDIT 20/8/2019: I have changed the town in Florida for reasons. I promise the next chapter will be up soon my lovelies! - Z