Alright, here is my newest story! It's going to be a multi-chapter, but unlike my others, which are normally around 20 chapters or so, this is only going to be about five chapters long. It's supposed to poke fun at the possibility of a zombie apocalypse obviously. Rated M for suggestive humor, violence, swearing, blowing shit up, and some light smut (no lemons).

It's the Zombie Apocalypse, Bitch!

Chapter 1

"OOOOOHHHH! WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO!?"

"Tobi, don't!"

But it was too late. Tobi had already pressed the large, tempting red button that had been practically calling to him since he had set his eyes on it four seconds ago.

A redhaired man with several piercings gaped at him with horror, which was strange for him since he usually remained expressionless. "Do you realize what you've just done!?"

"Yes! I pushed the big red button!" Tobi announced proudly. "And I thought this job would be boring! No one told me about the big red buttons so that was a pleasant surprise!"

A blue-haired woman who stood by redhead gazed at the masked man with a look that matched her partner's. "What you just did will cause the end of the world as we know it! That's why that button said 'DO NOT TOUCH'! What were you thinking!?"

"Aww, relax. It can't be that bad. You make it sound as though I just unleashed some type of failed government experiment that will cause everyone to turn into zombies. That's what happened in the movie I watched the other night!" Tobi replied in an excited tone. "There was this guy that was accidentally set free and he was like a zombie! Anyway, he went into a city and bit some person, and then that person turned into a zombie, too! And then they both continued to bite people, and so on and so forth until most of the city was infected and turned into zombies! It was so crazy but awesome at the same time! It's a really good movie, you should both definitely watch it at my place this week. And I bought a cotton candy machine! So we can have cotton candy with our movie!" He paused for a moment to breathe, since he had been too excited to take in an adequate amount of air. "So...what did that button do anyway?"

Pein and Konan remained speechless, but exchanged worried glances with each other. Shit just got bad.

In Tokyo

"That'll teach you to steal from me! Motherfucker!" Hidan kicked the man on the floor, whom he'd just finished beating up. "I'll let you live this time, but if you ever pull any of that shit with me, I guarantee that you'll fucking regret it. You'll be wishing I killed you the first time. Got it?"

The man nodded vehemently, curled into a fetal position as he stared up at his attacker, absolutely petrified. He'd made the mistake of breaking into Hidan's house and attempting to steal several things. Unfortunately for him, Hidan had walked in right in the middle of the idiot's robbery. That hadn't sit well with him, and if he hadn't been on parole, Hidan would've murdered the little bastard.

"Now get the fuck out before I rip your eyes out and shove them down your throat," the silver-haired man growled, standing over him threateningly. "You've got three seconds. Go."

The thief scrambled to his feet, crying out in pain from the injuries he'd received. He stumbled out of the house, and headed towards his car, whimpering like a wuss. Hidan watched the dumbass drive away in a panic, a smug smirk on his face. He'd wished that he could've killed the guy, but he was really in no mood to go back to jail so soon.

"Stupid fuck," he muttered to himself.

Just as he was about to close the door, he heard an ear-shattering scream from down the street. Curious, Hidan followed the sound, wondering what the hell was going on. He turned the corner and saw a woman shrieking as she tried to pull away from a strange man. The man had grabbed onto her arm and sank his teeth into her, his movements clumsy and jerky. His skin was pale, and his eyes were vacant, but his hold on the woman was unrelenting as she desperately tried to break free. The woman's boyfriend punched the man in the face, sending him on his back.

"Are you okay?" he asked his girlfriend, and went to go check her arm.

However, before he could do anything, the woman suddenly stiffened, her eyes glazing over. She then lunged and bit him in the shoulder, causing him to yell and try to shove her away. The man who had started it all shakily got to his feet and began to shuffle over to another group of bystanders, managing to catch one person who'd frozen in fear.

"What the fuck...?" Hidan's voice trailed off as he watched with horror. "The hell is this shit?"

Right before his eyes, more people were bitten and infected with whatever the first man had been plagued with. Within the span of a minute or so, a half dozen people had been bitten, as the woman and her boyfriend had begun to attack others as well. It was like some crappy zombie movie, in Hidan's opinion. Even so, he did not want to be out there without some kind of protection. He headed back into his house to grab some supplies.

University of Tokyo

"So, Hinata...how about dinner tonight? My treat."

"Sorry, not tonight, Kiba. I have some work to finish."

"Awww, come on. You're already ahead of the rest of us. Take a break and have some fun for once."

The young woman looked over to her friend and smiled apologetically. "I promised to help Hanabi with her homework, and I want to tidy the house up for my father. He's been working a lot lately, so I at least want to have dinner ready for him when he gets home."

"Well, at least grab some ice cream with me or something," Kiba whined as they headed away from campus. "You need to get out more and learn to have fun."

Hinata sighed. "Alright, I'll go get ice cream with you. But after that, I really need to be heading home."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Kiba slung an arm across his friend's shoulders, not realizing just how uncomfortable it made her as they continued on.

Hinata was about to ask him to stop it when they heard screaming not far from where they were.

"What was that?" Kiba asked, frowning. "Sounds like somebody's getting killed... Let's go check it out!" He dragged the reluctant girl behind with him, determined to see what was happening.

"Kiba, maybe we shouldn't," Hinata murmured with worry. "I have a bad feeling about this..."

They made it to another street, and saw some of their classmates amongst a group of people. Half of them were shouting in panic and trying to run away, while the rest were acting strangely by stumbling and groaning as they attempted to bite anyone who got in their way.

"Did we walk into a movie being filmed?" Kiba asked, shocked at what he was seeing. "Oh, maybe the casting director will let me be an extra!"

"I don't think this is a movie set," Hinata said in almost a whisper. "Let's get out of here."

Just as the words left her mouth, some of the zombie-like people turned their attention to her and Kiba. They began to stumble over to them, blood covering their chins and dribbling onto their clothes.

"Shit, run!" The brown-haired boy hissed, grabbing Hinata by the wrist and pulling her after him as he took off into a sprint.

Meanwhile

Itachi put the last of his paperwork into a filing folder and set it on the corner of his desk with a sigh. It had taken him nearly six hours to complete the work his boss had requested of him. He ran a hand through his hair tiredly, glancing over at the clock in his office. It was two in the afternoon, which meant that he still had three hours to go before he could go home.

He considered ordering some take-out, since he'd worked straight through lunch to get that work done. Danzo really sucked when it came to time management, and if he had mentioned it to Itachi sooner, then the younger man wouldn't have had to rush through it like that. But that seemed to be the highlight of Itachi's job nowadays since his old boss had retired. Danzo would wait until the last minute to inform Itachi that he needed something done, forcing him to have to screw through the work in a ridiculously short amount of time. Itachi was normally a pretty calm guy, but even he fantasized about killing the stupid bastard. How Danzo had weaseled himself into such a high position was beyond the comprehension of anyone in the damn company.

Itachi pulled a menu out of his desk, hiding a porno mag underneath a more professional business management magazine. He would never admit to it in a million years, but he could be quite the closet pervert.

"What do I want?" he muttered to himself as his eyes skimmed over the selections of food choices. "Already had that the other day..."

Itachi's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a loud crash that had come from outside. Quirking an eyebrow, he rose to his feet and strode over to the window. He peered out through the glass from the sixth story window of the building, his eyes scanning over the streets below. A car had crashed into a tree, and now resembled an accordion that had caught on fire. A random person had decided to take the opportunity to steal a single undamaged tire from said burning car, before scurrying away with it.

"How did that happen?" Itachi murmured quietly to himself. "Speeding?"

To his surprise, a group of people suddenly stumbled out of nowhere, crashing into one another and slashing at the bystanders that had gathered around the crash. To Itachi, they looked like a bunch of adults who had decided to go Trick-Or-Treating. Either that or they were shooting yet another low-budget zombie movie.

Actors? He wondered as he continued to watch the site. The next sixty seconds basically confirmed that those 'people' were actual zombies. As much as Itachi was the type who dismissed the idea of such ridiculous things, there was no denying what he was witnessing with his own eyes. The amount of zombies increased in such a short time that it was clear that he wasn't watching a movie being filmed. That, and the fact that there were no cameras.

The raven-haired man sighed. "Looks like I'm skipping lunch today."

He went back over to his desk and pulled out a secret drawer. Taking the handgun he'd concealed there since the first day he'd acquired the desk, he checked its ammo. Finding it fully loaded, just as he had left it, he tucked it inside his blazer and left the office. Hopefully he at least had enough ammunition to sustain him until he could find more.

Elsewhere

"Of course I don't want to go out with Naruto," Sakura hissed over the phone as she continued to speed down the road in her car. "Why would you ask me that!?"

"But Sasuke-kun is never going to ask you out," Ino replied with a laugh that irritated the pinkette. "He's going to ask me out, so you might as well take Naruto up on his offer so that you don't die alone."

Sakura growled. "Shut up, Ino Pig! Just because you're a freaking actress, it doesn't mean that Sasuke-kun will choose you over me. You play a hooker in a television series for the love of God! I wouldn't exactly be boasting about it."

"Aww, no need to be jealous, Sakura," the blond teased. "Just because I'm a gorgeous television star, hooker or not, you shouldn't feel so threatened. Don't worry, some guys are into that whole nurse thing. Maybe you'll find yourself a nice man with a nurse fetish, even though you're technically still just a med student. Why don't you ask Lee?"

"You bitch!" The pink-haired woman snapped, angrily turning the wheel as she rounded a turn. "I swear, when I see you, I'm-"

It was then that a something large and heavy crashed right into the front of her car, rolling up onto the windshield. Sakura screamed and dropped her phone, slamming on the brakes as hard as she could. Whatever she'd hit tumbled right off the hood of the car onto the ground, making it so that she couldn't see what it was.

"Oh, my god...Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod OH MY FREAKING GOD!" Sakura clambered out of the vehicle, the windshield severely cracked and splattered with blood.

There was a man lying on the ground, his plaid button-up soaked with blood. His head was turned at an impossibly bent angle, and it was clear that he was dead.

"Oh, my god..." Sakura sank to her knees, her eyes tearing up as she continued to quietly repeat that phrase. She'd just hit and killed a man with her freaking car. Burying her face in her hands, she let out a choked sob.

"What have I done...?"

The man suddenly groaned and stirred, causing Sakura to scream and fall backwards onto her butt. Her green eyes widened when the man started to claw at the ground, his neck still bent at that awkward angle. Sakura watched in horror as he slowly climbed to his feet, growling and making other guttural noises.

"What the hell is that?" Sakura squeaked, backing away from him with terror.

When he finally regained his footing, he began to stumble over to her with jerky movements. Sakura shrieked and scrambled up, not liking the deliriousness in his otherwise vacant expression. She ran past her car, knowing damn well that there was no way she'd have time to get in, start the car, and drive away. That was not including her usual routine of buckling up, checking her hair and make-up, and then sending a rude text message to respond to Ino's.

The pinkette made a mad dash towards a building, her heart racing as she ran to it. All around her, people were being attacked by others who resembled the man she had just smashed into. She felt like she was in the middle of one of those stupid zombie movies that Naruto always tried to convince her to watch with him. Only in real life, it was about a hundred times scarier especially as she passed a zombie dressed like a clown. That itself was enough to send even the most badass adult hurtling under their own bed with a baseball bat and a German army helmet.

"This can't be freaking happening!" she exclaimed just as she reached the door. "And this is why I hate Thursdays! Something bad always happens on Thursdays!"

She realized too late as a middle-aged lady limped out of nowhere, her bloody mouth wide open to bite Sakura's shoulder. However, before she could sink her teeth into the screaming med student, her head was suddenly blown off in a sickening mess. Sakura remained stuck in her spot, too stunned to do anything for several seconds.

"Um, if you don't want to fucking die, I recommend that you start fucking running," Hidan scoffed as he made his way to her. "I did you a fucking favor, but don't think that I'll become your personal bodyguard just because you want to be fucking stupid."

Angry, she whirled around to face him. The man appeared to be in his early twenties, with violet eyes and his silver hair slicked back. He was tall and handsome, though he had a cocky smirk that seemed to piss Sakura off. His black shirt was left open, showing off his muscular chest, and he wore a pair of black pants with several pockets. He was holding a shotgun, and had four handguns in his belt, two in the front and two in the back. Whatever space was empty in between the guns were pouches of ammo. Whoever he was, he definitely came prepared.

"Shut up! I think I have the right to be a little freaked out! I feel like I'm trapped in damn horror movie! I mean, aren't you panicking, too?"

"No, not really," he deadpanned.

"You're an idiot, then!" Sakura snapped.

Hidan frowned. "Hey, I just saved your fucking life. The least you can do is show a bit of gratitude."

"Fine," she hissed through gritted teeth. "Thank you for shooting that bitch in the head so that she didn't bite my throat out. I am grateful because life would suck if I turned into one of those things."

"And I could've saved that bullet for something else," he replied with a roll of his eyes.

"Asshole!" Sakura growled.

It was then that Itachi opened the door, causing Sakura to panic and swing her fist out in panic. It caught Itachi off guard, and he winced when he felt a fist slam into the side of his head.

"Good one," Hidan said with a laugh as Sakura put her hands in front of her mouth in embarrassment. "Maybe there's hope for you yet. Just keep in mind that the zombies are the ones who you should be hitting."

"Shut up," she snapped, then turned her attention to Itachi. "I am so sorry! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he replied, giving the sore spot a small rub. "Can't say I blame you."

Sakura looked at him, her eyes growing wide when she saw just how much he resembled Sasuke. It took her a minute to realize that he was Sasuke's older brother, Itachi, whom she hadn't seen in quite a few years. She had forgotten how handsome he had been when she was twelve years old, and now that she was nineteen, his looks seemed to have only improved in the past seven years. He had to be about twenty-four years old right about now. He wore a dark blue business suit with the blazer left open and his tie removed. It was easy to see why she'd had a crush on him when they were younger, while simultaneously liking Sasuke at the same time.

"Itachi..." she murmured, suddenly even more embarrassed. "I haven't seen you in awhile. But you probably don't remember me..."

The raven-haired man smiled softly. "Sakura, right? Sasuke's friend."

Sakura's eyes widened slightly. "Yeah. I'm surprised you recognize me."

"You haven't changed much," he told her, though it was a flat-out lie.

Itachi had always thought Sakura was a cute kid, and had grown into an attractive adult. She had grown her pink hair down to her shoulders, and her eyes were greener than he'd remembered. It appeared as though she was into nursing, since she was wearing a short-sleeved white dress that went down to her knees, with a red cross stitched across the pocket on her breast. Her chest was smaller than average, but Itachi didn't seem to mind as he unwittingly let himself look her up and down.

"Hey, I don't mean to interrupted your staring contest or anything, but we should probably get the fuck outta here," Hidan snapped at the two of them. "Come on, Itachi. You're not the type of guy to gawk at a woman for that long. You're usually more discreet. But it seems that you know her, so you can stare at her all you want when we get the fuck outta here."

Itachi knows this obnoxious jerk? Sakura thought to herself.

Itachi scowled at the other man, but didn't say anything against it. "It probably would be smart if we stick together. For now at least."

"Well, what should we do?" Sakura asked, looking around. "There's more of those zombies all over the place. My car is damaged and I don't think we can drive through this anyway."

"I know exactly where to go," Hidan told her with a smirk. "We just gotta walk there."

"Great," she replied with an eye roll. "We'll be dead before we make it."

"Not unless we're careful," Itachi told her as he pulled out his gun. "Let's go."

They avoided the stumbling zombies as much as they could, since there were plenty of other bystanders for them to attack. It would only take them about ten minutes to reach the destination, so they would just have to stay alive until then.

"You want a gun?" Hidan asked Sakura as the three of them hurried.

"No, I don't know how to shoot," she responded, sounding insulted.

The silver-haired male snorted. "You're more likely to die then."

"I'll keep an eye on her," Itachi spoke up. "I won't let any of those guys near her."

Just as they reached the halfway point, they saw two college students running away from a small horde. The guy had messy brown hair, and wore black pants and a white short-sleeved button up shirt, as well as a red tie. However, it was the girl who caught Hidan's attention in particular. She had long indigo hair that went all the way down to her waist, and her skin was a light porcelain color. Her uniform consisted of a short, pleated red plaid skirt, and a white short-sleeved button up blouse that fit to her body nicely. Her breasts looked particularly nice as the first few buttons of her top had come undone. White thigh highs and black flats finished her attire, and all at once, Hidan's schoolgirl fetish reared its perverted head.

"Damn..." he muttered, momentarily stunned as he watched her run. "Look at that rack..."

Sakura smacked him upside the head. "Knock it off! We need to help them! Those are my friends!"

"Oh, you know her? Maybe I'll introduce myself," Hidan remarked smugly, earning another smack from her. "Ow! What the fuck!?"

Kiba cursed as he and Hinata continued to run from the infected group, hitching his breath when he saw that they were coming up to a dead end. "Shit! There's nowhere to go!"

"What should we do?" Hinata asked with worry as she looked over her shoulder.

"Climb that tree up ahead," he told her, nodding to it. "It's our only chance. I don't think those guys can climb. Or at least, I hope not..."

They made it to the tree, and Kiba jumped up to grab onto a branch. He pulled himself up, then extended his hand down to Hinata. The girl grabbed onto him and he tugged her up, before reaching up to the next branch. This one was higher up, and he literally had to jump to get hold of it. Once he was up, he reached down to help Hinata up once again.

"I can't reach you!" she exclaimed, noticing how the zombies were gradually closing in on the tree.

"You have to try!" he said.

Hinata swallowed, then jumped as high as her body would allow her. Kiba grabbed her hand and went to pull her up. However, just as he got her up to his branch, he suddenly lost his footing and accidentally let go of her to catch himself so that he wouldn't fall. Hinata gasped and felt herself falling, then landed on the grass below. She whimpered in pain from the impact, and her eyes went wide when she saw that the zombies were only about ten feet away.

"Hinata!" Kiba looked down at her helplessly, not knowing what to do.

The indigo-haired girl stared at them fearfully, unable to move as they stumbled closer. She managed to sit up, but couldn't do anything else after that. Just as the first one was about to lunge at her, a loud shot went off and the guy's head blew completely off. Within a few seconds, a few more shots had gone off, killing the rest of the zombies. Shaking, Hinata looked up to see a silver-haired young man making his way towards her.

"You okay?" Hidan crouched down next to her.

Hinata nodded numbly, unable to respond as she struggled not to burst into tears. Taking advantage of the situation, Hidan slung shotgun over his back and gathered her into his arms. He picked her up bridal style just as Kiba came down from the tree. Hinata held onto Hidan, a light blush staining her cheeks as she gazed up at him. Her eyes were a pale lavender that seemed to captivate him, and he found her blush to be cute.

"Thanks for helping her, but I'll take over from here," the jealous brunette said just as Itachi and Sakura came over to join them.

"No, you fucking won't," Hidan snapped, glaring at the kid. "You fucking dropped her out of a tree. She'll be dead if she keeps following an idiot like you."

"It was an accident," Kiba argued, not liking the fact that Hinata was being held by another guy.

Hidan snorted in contempt, turning away so Kiba couldn't take the girl from him. "Accident or not, you still fucking dropped her. If I wasn't there, she'd be one of them right now. Or dead. Yeah, you're a great fucking friend..."

"Hinata, are you okay?" Sakura asked.

"I-I'm fine," she replied in a soft voice, still freaked out what had just happened.

"You fell from a tree, though," the pinkette replied, casting a death glare at a sheepish Kiba. "I'll take a look at you when we get somewhere safe."

"I'd like to take a look at her," Hidan quipped in a suggestive manner, angering the brunette male even more.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Kiba demanded. "And what is going on around here? What's with all those zombies everywhere?"

The silver-haired man smirked. "Isn't it obvious? It's the zombie apocalypse, bitch."

Hence the title! Okay, I'll calm down, now... Anyway, I hope you guys liked it or found it somewhat amusing/entertaining. If not, then I will just have to huddle under my blanket for the rest of the night. Next chapter will be out within the next week.