AN: Hiiiiiiii soooo it's been a while guys! I'm sorry about that! Dragon Con was huge and took a LOT of my time, I was actually working on cosplay the first Sunday and the con was happening the second Sunday so okay we don't have anymore cons for like 7 days I think so we're all good :) Anyyyyway I'm back!

The chapter title is from Shades of Cool by Lana Del Rey

Thank you guys for waiting and for your support, I actually got to meet some of you guys at DragonCon and that was insane, like having people come up and complement my writing is something I never expected, like god dammit thanks so much you guys are fantastic!

Thanks again to everyone you're amazing!

More questions? My tumblr: oswwinoswald and senpaimatsuoka

The track tag has changed: rinharu fic: alienation

Thanks again!

Chapter 12 – You're Crumbling, Sadly

"Sousuke." Not a question. Nope. A straight up statement.

"Rin, wow it is you."

"Uh…" I was a little shocked to be honest, I hadn't seen Sousuke in a while, since I left to come back to Japan, he was an Australian…shit…he was the swimmer Mirai had mentioned. He was in the Olympics too? "yeah…" I quirked an eyebrow, "The Olympics then?"

"Yeah, and you too, I didn't really expect that."

What did that even mean? "It's always been the plan."

There was a bit of an awkward silence in which the taller male mumbled, "Right," before his eyes narrowed slightly, "You've got a boyfriend too right?"

Ya know that awkward moment when your ex asks if your seeing anyone? This was like that except worse because he wasn't my ex, nope, he was a friend a who I'd blatantly lied to about my sexuality, "Uh…yeah. I do."

"Funny, I remember you telling me you were straight when I said I loved you."

I cringed. I didn't want to think about that, but I knew Sousuke and I knew he wouldn't just let it go. He didn't have a forgetful bone in his body. The bastard. "I was confused then." That wasn't exactly true, I'd known I was gay, I'd always known, but I was head over heels for a boy a hundred miles away and that wasn't going to change because a tall handsome stranger confessed his feelings for me in the school gardens a week before I'd left for Japan. I'd admit Sousuke was the only real friend I'd made in Australia, but apparently he'd thought of us as more than that and Haru was the only person who'd ever been more than that.

"Wow it took two whole months to figure yourself out. Convenient timing Rin."

I bit my lip, "I didn't plan on it Sousuke. And I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said what I did, but I was scared and confused." And some of it was true.

He didn't accept of decline my apology in fact he ignored it, "Why didn't you tell me?" Sousuke who was usually an emotionless wall looked hurt.

"I—"

"I wasn't lying when I said I loved you…I would have waited. I would have tried to help you."

"I wasn't about to ask you to wait for me. Or for help…and it doesn't matter because either way I—"

"I'll still wait. As long as it takes…" there was a slight pause and then something clicked behind Sousuke's turquoise eyes, "He's the person you used to cry about all the time isn't he?" his voice was accusatory, "You let me think it was a girl, but it was him the whole time. The one you were in love with from back home that you could never have? And you still wanted him after all the shit he put you through?"

"He didn't know back then. I was hiding…it wasn't his fault—"

"I could hear you crying Rin. At night. When you thought I was asleep, or not paying attention…You said Haruka, I thought you meant a girl, but…you," he took a deep breath and closed his eyes he was thinking. Collecting his thoughts. "Rin…someone who would let you cry like that…he'll hurt you again and I'll be there when he's finished with you." I'd never been more scared by a sentence in my entire life. When he's finished with you. Like it was some sort of obvious fact that he'd get bored of me, finished, like a race. Quick and clean. Over. I inhaled best I could, reminding myself that Haru wasn't like that.

"You don't know Haru."

"I know what he did to you."

"That was on me." I was raising my voice, "I did that. Not him. I was the reason I was hurt."

"He made you feel that way in the first place."

"So? So? What does it matter? It's not his fault I fell in love with him. He had no clue back then, but I'm with him now and he loves me. He's still just as oblivious as he was back then. He still doesn't know the effect he has on people, but that's okay…because even if he does leave…it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by him." Wow I was going TIFIOS on that shit. Might as well diagnose me with cancer and cheesy metaphor syndrome, but it was true. Haru was that sort of person. He was beautiful without knowing it, he was everything you could want and more, he was a character from a young adult novel in more ways than one, but he was real, and he was shy and he was quiet and he owned twelve different pairs of the same swimsuit, he was an idiot who loved water first and me second and I was okay with it. And god dammit it would be a blessing just to be able to say he broke my heart, because that would mean he'd paid me attention in the first place. I was a fool in love and I always would be, but fool or no fool I didn't regret falling in love with Haru for one second of my life.

"No. It would be his privilege to have his heart broken by you." Sousuke's words were bitter. Like coffee without crème. And I thought for a second about how it was possible for other people to feel that way. How someone else could love their partner just as much as I loved Haru and it would be okay, but one thing I hated about that was that yeah people could love what was theirs, but people could also love what wasn't and what never would be theirs. And it would be painful for them as it had been painful for me up until a few weeks ago. I could see it reflected in Sousuke's eyes. The unrequited love. And I hated it. I hated that someone I called a friend was going to have to live like I'd had to live.

I swallowed, "Don't do that to yourself." He was my friend and I didn't want him chasing a fruitless dream. No I wouldn't let him, because chasing me was useless. I knew that. I knew there was no chance for him, not as things currently stood, and maybe that made me a shitty person, because damn taking away someone's hope seemed like a shitty thing to do, but I wouldn't let him get stuck on me. No. I wouldn't let that happen.

"Do what?"

"Don't wait for me. Don't chase after me. I'm not yours to chase. And I'm not gonna lead you on, I won't give you false hope I'm telling you right now because you're my friend and I don't want to see you like that: I love him. And I've been fighting too hard for too long to lose him, okay? I'm not going to let it happen. I'm not going to give him up without a fight."

He swallowed his eyes burning into me, "I'm not going to give you up without one either."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what I said Rin. It means I'll fight for you."

"And I meant what I said: you won't win."

"You don't know that ye—"

"Rin?" the small voice came from behind. Haru. "What's going on?" I shifted around to look at him, he was holding a bottle of water in his hand his eyebrow cocked, he glanced between Sousuke and I a few times, "Is this Sousuke?" his body was ridged, on edge like he was approaching a wild animal.

I nodded slowly, "He was just—"

"Going. I was leaving." Sousuke said. You know liquid nitrogen? That stuff Bill Nye used to instantly freeze ping pong balls? Yeah well Sousuke's voice was colder than that. It was like the temperature of Pluto. And not only was it cold, it was sharp too, like a razor. Hatred. That was all I could define it as. "Goodbye Rin." He said looking down at me momentarily before brushing past Haru, and by brushing past I mean almost knocking him down, I had half a mind to beat his ass for touching my boyfriend, but I decided I'd let it slide just this once, probably because of the look Haru was giving me.

I met his eyes, why did I feel like crying? Shit. I held my breath willing myself not to speak until we were in the car. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Him…what I did to him…everything?"

"What did you do to him?"

I wasn't worried Haru wouldn't understand, I trusted he would, but I still felt awful for how I acted, even if Sousuke was in the wrong too, it didn't change what I said, "He's in love with me." I said quietly.

Haru tensed noticeably, though a few seconds later nodded, "Understandable…"

"He used to be my roommate and basically my only friend…I uh…I screwed up one night and I kissed him…" I closed my eyes, I wanted to make an excuse for it, but I didn't know if I had any, "And everything went to hell because it turns out he was in love with me the whole time and when I kissed him he thought I liked him back, but I just…" I looked at Haru, and counted my lucky stars he existed, "I couldn't. I didn't. And I was so scared…he was the first boy I ever kissed and I was so scared my mom would find out somehow…and god…when he told me it freaked me out so much…I said some terrible things to him."

Haru looked at me. Just looked at me for a while, before unscrewing the cap on the water bottle he was still holding and extending it towards me, "Everyone makes mistakes."

I glanced at it and took a small sip, "Seems like I make more than most."

He shrugged, "We all think that. We're self-loathing idiots sometimes, does he blame you for what you said?"

"He said he still loves me."

Haru froze up. "What did you say?" Frozen, but calm. As always. Fear undetectable to anyone who didn't know him, but I knew him. And I knew he was scared, but I didn't know why.

"Lots of things. That I love you and I'm happy and he should move on."

"But…?"

"But I don't think he will."

Silence.

"I want him to. I want him to move on and be happy, but he won't. I know he won't. He's not like that."

"Were you two—"

"No. For your information I've been pining over a certain blue eyed water-obsessed boy for eight years."

A tiny smile quirked on his lips, "So he's in love with you…do you think he'll do anything about it?"

"He's a good person. He's not a villain, he's confused right now…about me and you and how he feels, but he's not a bad person." I ran a hand through my hair and sucked in a deep breath, "But Sousuke doesn't give up. He's never been that type of person so I guess I really don't know what he'll do."

There was a short type of silence, in which somehow it was made clear that Haru understood, and that he also wasn't worried about it because the next words out of his mouth were, "You still wanna swim?"

Haru was Haru, maybe he was worried, maybe he was perfectly fine, but either way he didn't show it. There was no sort of identifying emotion on his face, which to be honest, had been a frustrating thing for me in the past, but right now it felt good. It felt normal. It felt like the past wasn't coming back to haunt me. I nodded, "I just want to forget this happened." I said as we walked through the parking lot to my car.

"Is that because you're scared of him or scared of what you said to him?"

"Both? I don't know…I mean…he's just a person. He's a rival teammate sure, but I don't think I'd say I'm scared of him…but I am…I mean…I'm not proud of what I said, but what else was I supposed to say? At the time I was shitting myself about my sexuality, I didn't want to admit I was gay so I basically kissed him and like the closeted homosexual I was shouted 'NO HOMO' right at his face and ran off more or less. It was shitty. It was a mistake, but either way…" I trailed off, "either way…either way that was how it had to end because I could never have had the mental capacity to love him. Too much of me…" Nope. I had to stop. Too cheesy. Way to fucking cheesy. "It just wouldn't have been fair to either of us so even if it was wrong it was initially the right choice."

His hand slipped into mine as we pulled into the training centers lot, "It's okay Rin. I'm not judging you for what you did you don't have to explain yourself to me."

I didn't really know what to say to that.

"Everyone has a past, me, you, Makoto, Nagisa, everyone. But your past isn't what matters to me, your future is what matters to me. You're a good person, you have the tendency to overreact and get angry and you're the most competitive person I know, but you're good. Everyone comes with baggage, everyone is emotionally scarred, you can take them as they are or leave them. I love you. Some stupid fight you had months ago? I could care less. You're sorry and that's all you can be, so please…just come swim with me."

He was usually a man of so few words hearing him now, expressing his opinions; it was like reassurance that I wasn't going to lose him. I took a deep breath, one last thing to calm me down, and looked up at him, letting the fire back into my eyes, a grin lighting my features, "I'll race you."

Haru didn't say anything, he just offered me a tiny smile, and then proceeded to wait impatiently as I changed into my swimsuit, and became more impatient as we made our way to the pool. What has started out as casually holding hands hand turned into Haru basically dragging me towards the pool, but the thing was I wasn't resisting, I wasn't reluctant to get to the pool he was just so damn excited he was going ten times faster than another more averagely excited person.

We'd chosen the outdoor pool again, it was open this time luckily so we didn't have to climb the fence. There was no lifeguard on duty, and no other athletes at the pool (most of them preferred the indoor pools). Haru wasted no time stripping off the swim jacket I'd made him wear for the walk over and diving into the pool. I laughed and followed him.

"I win." Was the only thing Haru said when I swam up to him, he wrapped his arms around my neck.

"Do you really? Because it seems like I'm the one with the hot guy's arms around me."

He grabbed my arms and pulled them around his waist, "Yes."

My mouth hovered over his, "This is where we had our first kiss."

He nodded inching closer.

"Best idea I've ever had."

"Timing could have used a little work."

I shrugged, "When is the timing ever right?"

Haru's lips grazed mine, "Now." He breathed pressing our lips together, his legs encircled my waist, and he deepened the kiss.

I laced my fingers into his hair as his tongue crept into my mouth, his skin was beaded with water droplets, his hair was dripping onto my face, but it was hard to notice when he was kissing me. It was hard to notice anything when he was kissing me. We were alienated from the rest of the world. Just us and our mixing heart beats against the world. Nothing mattered, nothing was on my mind, not Sousuke, not interviews, not the games, just the feeling of Haru's lips on mine. I could breath.

He broke the kiss in the end, reluctantly, I might add.

He hugged me against him.

"Thank you." I whispered, grateful tears were budding in my eyes. What he was doing was obvious. He was trying to distract me from my thoughts, he was trying to comfort me, and it was working beautifully.

"I love you, Rin."

God only knows why.

I tucked my head into the crook of his neck and nodded against his shoulder, "I know."

I'd never understand why. Not in a year, not in ten, but somehow I did know. And it was wonderful.