Note: Everyone knows that Anakin has a dad...and everyone knows that it's the emperor (who else would it be, after all?). But apart from one point in Episode III where Palpatine calls Anakin "son" the truth never comes out in the movies. The simple explanation is that Luke Skywalker was so traumatized to discover that Darth Vader was his dad that he couldn't handle any more trauma; thus the fact that the emperor is his grandfather has been kept mostly in the dark and the myth of the midi-chlorians perpetuated.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this stuff, so please nobody come after me. That means you, George Lucas. Wait, no NO!

Obi Wan and Anakin stood in the elevator, Obi Wan poised as usual and Anakin with an odd mixture of smugness and nervousness.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Obi Wan, who could be very obtuse about things that didn't immediately concern him.

"Nothing," said Anakin, looking as if the very idea of something being wrong with him was an absurdity. "I'm fine."

He looked away and attempted some jedi mind tricks to calm his nerves.

"I hope you're not worried about meeting Jar Jar again," said Obi Wan. "I wouldn't have brought you along if I'd known how much it would upset you."

"I couldn't let you face him alone," said Anakin, attempting to sound generous. "After all, you're the closest thing I have to a father."

Obi Wan rolled his eyes. He was getting rather tired of the poor orphan thing. Anakin really overdid it sometimes.

"You know," he said, "I think it's time I told you something that maybe I should have told you a long time ago."

"What?" said Anakin.

"That you have a father."

"That's a lie," said Anakin in his usual dead-pan style (rather as if he was reciting a pre-arranged script). "I was born of midi-chlorians. My mother told Qui-Gon so."

"Your mother didn't tell the truth, Anakin," said Obi Wan. "She didn't want you to know. Qui-Gon knew the truth, though…because he was your uncle."

Anakin roused himself from his lethargy enough to turn and look incredulously at Obi Wan.

"He told me before he died," said Obi Wan. "It's a long story, though. Let's see, we have 56,742 levels still to go, so I should have time to tell you."

Obi Wan's story:

A long time ago (about twenty years ago, actually) your mother lived on the planet of Naboo where she fell in love with a rich and powerful politician. But your mother was poor and the politician was afraid that by marrying her he would endanger his career, so they were married secretly. For a short time they were very happy together, until the politician's business took him to Coruscant and things began to change.

First, the politician had less time for your mother. She wanted him to take her out to the many fine nightclubs on the planet, while he was far too busy pursuing his political career to bother with such things. Second, your mother learned a terrible secret: this politician was a sith lord.

This news traumatized your mother, but after she recovered from the shock of it she thought it might prove to be useful. She unwisely tried to blackmail him into making their marriage public, threatening, if he refused, to reveal to the world his true identity.

Her husband took immediate steps to ensure that she would never be able to divulge the truth. He shipped her off as a slave to a remote planet on the outer rim—your home planet of Tatooine. (Now you know why I'm always telling you that politicians are not to be trusted.)

There she gave birth to you. She did not want to tell Qui-Gon Jinn the truth because she was too ashamed of having tried to blackmail a sith lord and then been sold into slavery by him (and I think he got a lot of money for her, too). She could not denounce her husband without denouncing herself, so she merely invented a story, hoping Qui-Gon would take an interest in you and train you as a jedi. She never lost hope that you would one day kill your father and avenge her wrongs.

Obi Wan finished his story and glanced out the window of the elevator.

"So…" said Anakin, "who is my father?"

"Well," said Obi Wan, hesitating. "Well, really, I think I'd better not tell you, Anakin. It might traumatize you too much. Trust your feelings and you will one day discover his identity. I can tell you one thing, however. Yoda is your grandfather."

"That's cool," said Anakin. "And how do you know all this?"

"I've been doing some research lately into our family tree."

"Our family tree?"

"Well…yes. I wasn't supposed to tell you until the end of Episode III, but you're my brother. –Only my half-brother, though. My mother died before you were born and my father remarried. So Qui-Gon's my uncle, too. Our father was kind of irresponsible, so Qui-Gon practically had to raise me. He knew our father was a sith and he hoped by if he trained both of us to be jedi we would someday defeat him."

"That's weird. It's like everyone in the galaxy is related to everyone else."

"Basically," said Obi Wan.

"So are there any wookies on our family tree?"

"I haven't traced our ancestry back that far yet, but I don't think so—unless they're on your side of the family."

"Wait a minute," said Anakin, suddenly looking apprehensive. "Padmé is not my sister, is she?"

"Not as far as I know."

"Phew," said Anakin, relieved.

"What does that matter?" said Obi Wan. "You're a jedi, remember? Which means you're not allowed to get married."

"Yes, master," said Anakin with a smirk.

Twenty years later…

Palpatine: laughing maniacally and shooting out blue force lightning at Luke.

Darth Vader: No!

Picks Palpatine up and hurls him down the bottomless hole.

Palpatine: Vader! I am your fatheeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Darth Vader: What? No! That's impossible!

Sinks to floor, traumatized.

Luke: Father, are you all right?

Darth Vader: Ben! Why didn't you tell me? Dies.

Luke: removing Vader's helmet. Wow, he really does look like the emperor. That's freaky. I hope I don't look like that when I get older.

Suddenly has force vision of Episode VII. Old Luke ambles on screen with a walker and oxygen tank. He looks like Yoda.

Episode VI Luke: EEEEEK!

Faints.

THE END