While I Wait

I don't own the characters, or their back-story.

Chapter One.

It's been five days, five of the longest days of her life since she ran upon his fiery car on the side of the road on their wedding day. Their wedding day. It was suppose to be the happiest day of her life and when he told her he would be there in 20 minutes and he wasn't, and then 40 minutes passed, and then an hour later she got the call. She thought she had experienced the hardest day of her life, when she found out that her mother was never coming home, but that day, her wedding day, that was the hardest day of her life.

She had spent four years running from him, but he had never given up on her. He had chased, and fought for her, for a chance with her, and when she finally gave in to her own feelings, her life had changed forever. She had decided to accept his love, to accept everything about him, and he had proven himself time and time again.

So here she lay, drowning in one of his oversized shirts, lying in the middle of their bed, numb. She hadn't cried a single tear since she left the crash sight. She hadn't begun to grieve, because she didn't believe that this was happening to her again, she couldn't imagine why she had to deal with losing the most important person in her life… again. So she lay there, almost all day everyday, refusing food, refusing company. Occasionally she would go upstairs and crawl into bed with Alexis and just hold her while she wept, her screams would draw Kate in, she couldn't stand to hear the pain in her screams, and they were something she could relate to. She knew that he was gone, knew that he wasn't coming back, but it still wasn't real.

But today, she just lay still, staring at the black dress hanging on the back of the bathroom door. Today was his funeral, well, his memorial; they weren't burying a body, because his body was ashes already. She couldn't believe that the body that she had spent every night next to for the past two years was dust. The arms that held her tight, the smile that lit up her world. She could only remember him at his best, when she was wrapped around him beneath the sheets. They way he kissed her goodbye, the way he kissed her hello, the way his mouth felt against her neck as he whispered sweet nothings to her while they made love. She never wanted to forget that version of him, the version that she loved, the version that loved her.

She heard a knock as the door creeked open, a sliver of light making its way across the bed, "Kate, can I come in?" Alexis mumbled through the small crack in the door, "I need you to help me pick a dress."

She sat up on the bed, and pulled his shirt down to cover her body as she slid off the bed. "Yeah, come in."

The door opened more and Alexis slid in, taking in Kates appearance. "Kate, you haven't even started getting ready."

She slid her hands down the front of her shirt nervously, making sure that she was covered enough. "I know, I just, I don't really know how he would want me to wear my hair, he always said he loved it up, but I know how much he loved to run his fingers through it when it was down. I just…" She took a deep breath, exhaling and smiling at the redhead standing before her.

She smiled back. "Kate, he loved you, not your hair. He would want you to wear it so that you're happy and comfortable."

"Alexis, I'm not happy, I'm never going to be happy."

"You know that's not what he would want, right?"

"I know, but he is what made me happy, before him I was sad and alone, and now that he's gone, I'm sad, and alone."

"You aren't alone." Alexis reached her hand out to grab Kate's hand, "You have me, and gram, and your dad, and Lanie, and the boys."

"I know, and I love you all, but he… he was my person." She choked back a breath, placing her hands on her hips. She could feel her hipbones pressing through her skin. She had always been thin, but this was getting a bit out of control. She hadn't eaten but a few bites in the past few days and it was already very apparent.

"He was our person." Alexis smiled, "and we were his." She paused looking into Kates sad eyes.

"We were his, weren't we?" Kate laughed, and pulled Alexis into a hug.

"Now get dressed, and I think you should wear your hair up." She winked at her as she crossed the room to pull Kates dress down from the hanger on the door.

Kate nodded, "Then I'll wear it up, and Lex," Kate paused, looking her up and down, "You look beautiful in that dress."

"Yeah? You think he'd like it?"

Kate nodded, and took the dress from Alexis hands, "I'm just gonna go get changed and ready and then we can go."

Xx

The service had lasted longer than expected; turns out a lot of people had amazing stories to tell about him. There was laughter and tears from different people that knew him, but Alexis and Kate sat side by side, hands intertwined, laughing at everyone's stories of him. Afterwards Kate fled to the town car that was waiting out front for them, pulling her head down into her lap and letting it all go for the first time. The tears fell so hard that she couldn't see straight and her heart felt like it was being ripped from her chest. Martha opened the door to the car and slid in next to her, wrapping her arms around her body and holding her tight.

"Let it all out Katherine, let it all out." She said as she rubbed her back softly.

"I cant live without him Martha, I cant do it. I have to leave the loft, I have to leave the city."

"Kate, you don't have to run from this. We are here, we are still your family."

"I know, and I love you all dearly, but Martha, I can't see his things every day, I can't imagine waking up in our bed by myself every morning. He made love to me in that bed the night before we were suppose to get married, and I am never going to be able to forget that. We were going to start our lives together, start a family, and now he's gone, and I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to go back to work just to be reminded of the endless hours we spent in that precinct. That's where we fell in love, it's where we became us. I just…. Cant."

"You can, and you will. If you think for one second that I am going to allow you to run from us, from Alexis, then you're absolutely crazy. You are all she has left of her dad, the only person that he loved as much as he loved her. She needs you, and you need her."

Her sobs were so hard that she could barely breath, and her body was shaking so hard that it was hard for Martha to keep a good hold on her.

"I need to go home Martha, take me home."

"I'll send the car to the loft and he can come back and retrieve Alexis and I." She pressed a kiss to the top of Kates head and released her hold on her, opening the door and climbing out of the car.

Xx

When Alexis walked into their bedroom, Kate was still sobbing into his pillow, her body worn completely, and she was still wearing her dress. She climbed into the bed behind Kate and wrapped her arm over her body, pulling her in close and holding her tight.

"Lex, you don't have to console me, you're the one that needs someone."

She ran her hands over Kates hair, pulling it back out of her face. "Kate, you have held me all week and you were strong for me, let me be strong for you."

"I wasn't strong, I was numb, I was avoiding the truth, I was avoiding reality."

"Kate, he's gone, he isn't coming back, we are both going to have to deal with that now. Its real, and all we have left of him is each other."

"Alexis, I can't be what you need, I cant be what he was to you."

"I'm not asking you to be, I'm asking you to just be here, to just heal with me. You're the only one who understands what I'm going through, and I need you to deal with this…with me."

"Alexis…"

"No Kate, it's not a choice, you're staying here and you and I are going to be a family, we are going to be what he wanted us to be, for him. He would want us to stick together, to be there for one another."

Kate's cries softened at Alexis words, she was right, he would want her to be there for Alexis, and he would want her to accept Alexis' help and love. Kate turned over to face Alexis, sweeping the hair from her face and holding her cheek.

"Just you and I, form now on?"

"Yeah, just you and I."

I don't want to write a synopsis for this story and I don't want to hint towards any of my plans for this story, because the main plot hasn't really started yet. If you like it and want me to continue, leave me a review and let me know.

Also, I would love for someone to make me cover art. I'm not good at that kind of thing. Just message me on here or on tumblr, it's breakingbeckett on there as well.